pride & prejudice

kpopimagination

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop (ღ )

Title

One thing that came in mind was, of course, the famous Jane Austen’s novel Pride & Prejudice. I personally haven’t read the book yet, but I was once given the task to analyze and make a creative writing out of an excerpt from the novel. Therefore, when I first read your title, I was wondering if the story would revolve around the original plot of Jane Austen’s. But you did underline that the story was merely inspired, therefore I was hoping to see a plot turn. Now, what I like from the title is that it sounds sophisticated and elegant (my total weakness). But then, since you based it off from an existing novel, it didn’t captivate my interest entirely. Not to mention that there has been a lot of fanfictions under the same title, too.

Foreword/Description

The description has several parts on it. The first part was beautifully written, despite the grammatical errors that could be spotted. However, it reminded me of a cliché love story between two juxtaposing man and woman from different social status. What I could outline from the first part were a) Jieun wasn’t rich. She’s a scholarship student stuck in a prideful school, with people not wanting to be around her due to her lower status, b) she met this particular someone who went back from Japan, c) this particular someone was rich and owned an esteem of high social status and Jieun, as time went by, was drawn into him and d) they both fell in love and fought the discrimination of the status level. Those, though, were merely my first impressions. You still have a lot of chapters to write to prove me that the story of yours isn’t as cliché as I thought it would. I don’t have anything against the second part. Onto the third, you put an excerpt from the story. In my opinion, it would’ve been better if you could put an excerpt that revolves around Jieun and L only, since the story is mainly talking about these two leads. The mention of Zelo, B.A.P, noona and hyung gave off an impression that these persons held important roles, probably because you decided to make this part as the preview. Preview, especially when it’s written in the description, could alter the impressions of the readers. That’s why I think it would be better if you could put another excerpt that talks mainly about Jieun and L, without exposing the plot too much. As for the foreword, you only put author’s note and credits and that’s the right section to place them all so good job!

Appearance

I’m praising the designers for making you such beautiful graphics. It matches well with your story and are really, really beautiful. Plus point for the background, too! You also managed to format the writings in the compact, simple font and pretty colors. I have nothing against this so I won’t talk further. Overall, excellent job!

Plot

I could see how the story was inspired by the original Pride & Prejudice. I found myself liking the main conflict: discrimination of social status. It’s complicated when we expand it more, but you kept your story simple yet still sophisticated. I’d like to spot a few loose parts, though.

In the fourth chapter, it was said that L didn’t bring his phone so he couldn’t contact anyone to pick him up. In the seventh chapter, though, it was said that in the car’s backseat, he kept on fiddling with his phone. It didn’t make sense since he was staying over the countryside that night, wasn’t he?

Moreover, in regard of your writing style. You like to use a lot of Korean terminologies. Honestly, it puts me off as a reader. Although I do understand the terms, some people in this site might not have a complete understanding about those. Ani, aegyo, aish, ahjumma, annyeonghaseyo, -imnida, neh, yah, bwoh, byuntae. If you really want to use those terms, I suggest you to put explanations and descriptions about what they meant by the end of each chapter. You also like to use pictures to describe clothing and scenery. I don’t really favor authors who describe things through pictures because it discards the art of writing itself. You already have a good grasp of describing, therefore, the use of pictures wasn’t necessary at all. You could just delete them but then again, this is my mere opinion.

Overall, the plot is developing well. I’d like to see some twists later in the upcoming chapters, too.

Grammar

You stated that English isn’t your first language, so I would like to praise you for having the confidence and will to write in a language that you’re not completely fluent at. A lot of mistakes were found here and there, but you have a beta reader, so I’ll refrain myself from correcting. I hope, with the help of the beta reader, you’ll manage to discard the grammatical flaws. There are some things I want you to keep in mind, though. First of all, about the consistency of verb tense. Aside from the first part of the description, you were using past tense from the beginning of the story. Please note that when you write in past tense, the whole story must be written in past tense as well. You have the tendency to return to present tense so you might want to brush this part off.

Also, in regard of punctuation. If you want to start a dialogue, make sure to embed it in a new line/different paragraph. Moreover, if the dialogue is to be followed with a phrase, the dialogue should be ended with a comma (,) and the phrase following it isn’t capitalized, unless the dialogue ends with exclamation (!) or question (?) marks. For example:

“Fantastic.” Hyuna answered and began to look at me up and down.

Correction: “Fantastic,” Hyuna answered and began to look at me up and down.

 

“That’s Suho’s twin sister.” she whispered in my ear.

Correction: “That’s Suho’s twin sister,” she whispered in my ear.

 

All in all, you have a good grasp of English, but the mistakes were still commonly found and like I said, since you have a beta and that you disallow text selection, I will refrain myself from correcting.

Flow

The overall pace was good, but the changes of feelings of the main leads were somehow too quick (I’ll talk more about this in the upcoming section). Aside from that, I have no problem with the plot pace. Well done!

Characterization

Last night I came up to a conclusion that I could never go lenient in term of Characterization. The truth is; characterization is eminently difficult. As a writer myself I do have to admit that I have a lot of difficulties in building realistic, believable and relatable characters. Despite so, I still linger to the assumption that characters play very important and essential roles, even the minor ones. Minor characters also deserve some spaces to be developed, therefore I would like to see how you’ll manage to develop the minor characters too. Now, let us first discuss about your characters.

Park Jieun - she appeared as the most developed character, although the development wasn’t entirely shown yet. To me, she had two different personalities. She behaved differently toward the rich surroundings and the ones within her comfort zone. The good thing is; her background was clearly explained throughout the storyline. However, her attitude toward L somewhat confounded me. I understand that you wanted to highlight the change of feelings she had for L, but it was somehow too quick to follow. One moment she wanted to avoid the guy, the next moment she invited him to her house (although she still acted cold and rude). Her feelings toward L kept on going back and forth, so you might want to brush it off. Nevertheless - you did a good job in describing her - you just need to alter a few things. Remember to make her consistent – in term of personality and perspective – too!

L – on the other side, L appeared somewhat like a blurry image to me. His personality wasn’t completely shown. I found myself questioning: was L the type who held pride in the highest place or was he not? Was L the type who’s friendly to everyone but people in the lower status – or was he not? L’s background wasn’t exposed and it’s such a waste because he’s the main lead. You still have a long way to go, though, therefore I would like to see how you’ll manage to develop L’s character. As of now, he still seemed inconsistent in term of personality and attitude. His background and perspectives weren’t revealed too. I couldn’t relate to him as much as I wanted to.

Now, onto your minor characters. Their relationships with the main leads weren’t exposed as much. I found myself questioning the relationship between Hana and L. In the second chapter, L kissed Hana on the forehead when he greeted her – from that – I assume that the two has a very close relationship but as of what, I don’t know. His relationship with Suho was also bleary as it wasn’t described throughout. Jieun’s relationship with B.A.P members, too, wasn’t revealed. Who were they to the Park siblings? Why were they living in the same house? And why were they called B.A.P? I mean, they’re not a dance group or sort of, were they? In the next chapters, I suggest you to put more background stories about these minor characters, don’t forget to expose more about J.B, Jiyeon, and the missing brother, too. The development of minor characters would support the development of the main leads.

On a side note, in the second chapter, Suho’s twin sister was mentioned as two names: Hyuna and Hyebin. You might want to revise that.

Comments/Enjoyment

The story is very well-written but then again, I’m a very picky reader so I can’t say that I enjoy the story as much. The use of Korean terminologies, pictures and grammatical mistakes were some factors that put me off. That’s my personal opinion, though. Please don’t get offended. I apologize if I sounded too harsh, I really hope my review helps! Please do not hesitate to ask if you have any question. Don’t forget to leave a comment and credit the shop. Thank you for requesting I hope you’re satisfied with your granted wish!

 

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