012: Definition of Blind

felix-

reviewed at Cloudy Day, Clear Day (batch 3 - removed)

Title

Although not entirely, the title of your story is quite captivating. A thought that the story will be giving some slices of angst in between the suspense (also judging from the tags) came in mind, though, I’m still uncertain whether or not I was right. One thing that puts me off is the fact that you have already reached the eleventh chapter, yet I still see no connection at all. There’s no bridge of relations that tie the title with the story. I can see, though, that you have everything well planned and organized, therefore I can’t wait to see how you’ll open up layers by layers to show the relation between the title and the plot.

Foreword/Description

That sole paragraph in the description utterly gripped my interest. Why is the world blind to Sungjong? Why is he actually the one who’s blind? What is this story about? I found myself wanting to quickly start with the first chapter upon reading the description. It was actually really good. The way you repeated some sentences and threw endless statements about what’s it like to be blind gave off a very dramatic effect in a pleasant way. However, again, it doesn’t relate to the plot – not yet, at least. I think I have to wait until the story ends to get a better view of the bridge. Also, I see no flaw aside from one:

“…, he's the one that's blind.”

Correction: “…, he’s the one who’s blind.”

Other than that and the fact that it has no relation just yet, your description and foreword are perfect with the right amount of colors and formatting.

Originality

Survival game stories are pretty common already, not to mention that there were also Battle Royale and The Hunger Games. You still got my interest though. There is something behind the plot that is not cliché, not expectable and is original. I’d like to see how you’d widen your imaginations and blow the readers with the twists.

Characterization

You have the tendency to mention new characters without telling the readers who they were beforehand. When I first read the story, I have to admit that it was actually quite confusing. When you first mentioned Kai, Jieun, Hoya, Woohyun, Sunggyu, etcetera – everyone seemed to come without warning, without an introduction, or if they have, the introductions were solely in a sentence and didn’t at all reveal any background. To have many characters playing in one story is actually quite difficult to maintain, because I do believe that even though the characters are merely minors, they still deserve some spaces to be built as realistic and as believable as the mains. Now, let us first break it down and talk about them.

Lee Sungjong - In the first two chapters, I still saw him as the Sungjong who authors nowadays always write as a feminine, helpless, little young boy. I still saw him as a weak boy with an empty bucket of courage – even Krystal was more fearless than him – but my view towards him changed when the occurrence of Soju’s death happened. I could understand why he suddenly underwent changes. Afterward, I found myself liking his personality even more. The use of dialogues in your chapters supported the development of the characters, especially Sungjong. I really liked the interactions between him and Krystal, him and Kai, him and Sehun. It’s the typical friendship of teenagers around his age, and I found it really realistic and at times, funny (you have a knock on igniting humors through dialogues – or is it just me?) Throughout the chapters, Sungjong to me was pretty consistent (in term of acts, way of thinking, perspectives) and it’s a good thing. There are some things I would like to clarify, though. Please feel free to correct me if my interpretations are far from what you are trying to deliver.

In the end of the fourth chapter, there was a scene where Sungjong suddenly experienced something – in this case, I’d like to place it as – eerie. He saw someone from his future, he saw himself falling and remembered nothing about touching the ground. And then in the fifth chapter, it was told that he saw these memories of his life from time to time, and then the next thing he knew he was being him again – as a fifteen years old boy, although it was said in fourth chapter that he was fourteen. My honest interpretations would be a) it’s just the peculiar way of yours to describe the flashbacks and trains of Sungjong’s life from time to time; putting him in one age then drifting him into another by describing that abstract, unusual state where he saw his life in the big screen beneath the darkness – or b) Sungjong was special and that specialness is related to the scene, though it hasn’t been revealed yet. I’m sticking to the first interpretation, although I’m not sure myself. Don’t take it to heart, though, it’s not confusing. It’s just that I’m the type who likes to read between the lines and that one scene actually made me wondered a lot. Please do not hesitate to correct me if I’m taking it too far.

Krystal – Aside from Sungjong, Krystal appeared as the most developed character in the story. Like said, you have a great deal with dialogues as it supported the characters development and everything about Krystal was basically conveyed through the way she spoke. I could totally draw her in my head. She appeared to me as a careless, strong girl who feared nothing in particular. I saw her loving her friends - especially Sungjong - more than anything else except maybe Jessica. She could be sarcastic at times, and that spark of relationship she had with Sungyeol actually grabbed my attention. I would like to see how you’ll reveal Krystal’s and Sungyeol’s relationship because you managed to make the readers wonder what was there between them. So far, Krystal is my favorite character. She’s well-built, well-developed, and is realistic. Thumbs up.

Myungsoo – To me, Myungsoo is a completely, blurred figure. His name appeared suddenly somewhere in the beginning, without an introduction or the likes. Obviously, Sungjong was interested in him, although he kept on denying the fact and assured himself that he liked Sungyeol better – but that was enough to tell that something’s going to happen between Myungsoo and Sungjong. However, Myungsoo was yet to be developed, his character was still bleary and unclear. Aside from the obvious, I could see nothing from Myungsoo and I couldn’t tell what kind of person he actually was. However, I do understand that you’re going to spill it off bit by bit, and I’m fine with it as long as you can develop Myungsoo’s character as good as how you’ve developed Krystal and Sungjong.

I’d like to talk about the rest of the characters, but it will take me dozens of pages and I’m sure you don’t really want to see me blabbing around my point of views about them. Briefly saying, though, your characters are very realistic. They are realistic and believable, but their underlying moods were nowhere to be found. You have the tendency to focus more on their acts and dialogues without conveying the emotions. Like said, I do believe that even though they’re minors, they still deserve some spaces. After Jieun – who I assumed would hold a rather important role in the end of the story - you mentioned some more names; Hoya, Jiyeon, Woohyun, Sunggyu. You mentioned them like you’ve wrote a description about them before, albeit you haven’t. It’s quite confusing at first, to suddenly have some new names being introduced with so little descriptions. You also mentioned Lay – you called him Zhang Yixing without telling that it was actually Lay’s real name, so for readers who don’t know EXO I think it would be quite confusing.

The only suggestion that I can give you is to try to describe more about the characters’ emotions and not only their acts. Also, when you mention new characters, make sure you put enough descriptions about their backgrounds and their relations with the juxtaposing main leads. It will lessen the confusion and give a good effect toward the flow. You have a peculiar way of bringing the characters into the story, and with this style of writing I do think you have a great potential to draw their sketches perfectly. I’m anticipating a lot more from you in the upcoming chapters.

Grammar/Vocabulary

You have an editor, and I don’t think I can walk around saying that my English is better than yours, therefore I’m not going to correct your grammar. It’s basically perfect. Inconsistent verb tense were used in several parts, but it’s very hard to spot and I’m sure you and your editor will manage to discard it. One thing that I want to underline is the punctuation.

You tend to put words in brackets when there are actually many other punctuations that you can use: semicolon (;) and dash (-) are one of them.

Semicolons are used to connect two main clauses. For example:

“He went to Sunggyu with emotional and family issues (and occasionally a "convince me to do homework"). “

Suggested revision: “He went to Sunggyu with emotional and family issues; occasionally a “convince me to do homework.””

Dashes are used to put a short summary after one, complete clause. For example:

“Kai recorded the events for him a week afterwards in a list (Kai has always liked lists).”

Suggested revision: “Kai recorded the events for him a week afterwards in a list – Kai has always liked lists.”

Dashes can also be used to replace commas to set off words and phrases that interrupt one sentence. For example:

“He went to Woohyun for pick-me-ups if he had a bad day (or more naturally, Woohyun was the one that came to Sungjong), or for an extra opinion that would always escalate into a heated argument. “

Suggested revision: “He went to Woohyun for pick-me-ups if he had a bad day – or more naturally, Woohyun was the one that came to Sungjong – or for an extra opinion that would always escalate into a heated argument.”

I’m quite sure that the uses of semicolons, dashes, and commas will make your writing even more beautiful. You have a wide range of vocabularies, too. With a few more touches, I do believe your grammars will be flawless.

Enjoyment

The first few chapters were confounding, but as I scrolled down more, the story is actually intriguing. There’s always something behind some words – just the way I like it. Your writing style is sometimes out of the reach, like it’s just you and your own without pulling the readers along – but it doesn’t matter because you’ll eventually go back to drag us with you. It’s captivating. I enjoyed the story and I’d like to know how you’ll end it. Good job!

Writing Style

Distinctive. Your writing style is very distinctive and peculiar, different from the ones I have seen in this site. Nice choosing of vocabularies, perfect word-placing, vivid descriptions in term of acts and what’s happening. However, like I’ve mentioned before, you don’t really convey the emotions of the characters, which to me is such a waste. Emotion is an important aspect that I believe will make your story even more gripping if it could be shown throughout. For example, in chapter eleven, you mentioned that Luna and Sulli were killed. There were no emotions evinced from the other characters – how Sehun felt about the loss, how Kai felt about the disappearances of his two friends, how Victoria felt considering she’s the mother, how Sungjong felt about the cruel reality. There were no emotions at all and I thought it’d be just perfect if you could brush it off. I know it’s not an angst fanfiction nor it is a drama, but describing acts concurrently with emotions will make your story even more gripping.

Other than that, you have the tendency to go back and forth from one subject to another. You didn’t rush, but at times it resulted in merely confusion. If you want me to be honest, I have to re-read some chapters to finally understand entirely, but perhaps it is just me. It’s my personal opinion though. Oh, have I mentioned that you have a knock in delivering humors through dialogues? There were even times when the plot felt so tense but it all melted in a brief second because one of the characters uttered a word – breaking all the suspense into a short scene of comedy. I don’t know if it’s merely my weak sense of humor, but still, it’s a fresh and good thing for me personally.

Another thing that captivates my interest is the fact that you wrote another story within your story (I hope I put this correctly). I didn’t realize it at first, but when I re-read the chapters, I was very stunned to know that you actually put those hints in between the lines. The sentences embedded in new paragraphs, written in italics – the ones that told about Myungsoo – for now, I’m going to comprehend them as another story that will be revealed somewhere in the ending, and you spilled them off right there as hints. At first, I found it very confusing. But when I got the point, I found it really amusing and that actually marked your flair in term of writing style. I’d like to know how the story will end. My predictions: The game ended; Sungjong lay unconscious in the bed, Myungsoo by his side. His friends died in the battle, except one or two, maybe. Myungsoo felt sorry to Sungjong because maybe he killed one of the latter’s friends. Or maybe it was him who hurt Sungjong. Jieun came along – she wanted to know how Sungjong was doing but Myungsoo was the one who answered the call. Sungjong would wake up in ten days – and in the eleventh chapter: merely three days. And so far that’s all I could predict. I’m not sure myself, though. You always managed to put plot twists so I’m sure there’ll be a lot of it in the upcoming chapters. Nevertheless, I think it’s amusing – you should keep it up. Some readers might get confounded, even I did – but looking through it again, it’s just simply well-written. Very well done!

Bonus/Reviewer’s Comments

You requested to be reviewed by redocean-, but apparently she doesn’t read so the task was given to me instead. I hope you don’t mind. I’m not sure if the review helps, but I certainly hope it does! For the next chapters, I can only suggest you to deepen your characters – even the minor ones – and convey more emotions from them. You’re a very good writer, keep it up!