the elementalists.

expiration_date

reviewed at ‵ℰxoxo ↻ Graphics // Story Review Shop (ღ )

Title (4/5)

I do have to admit that the title is simply intriguing. It sounds sophisticated without actually revealing the whole plot. It also relates well to the story. However, I do believe that placing ‘The Elementalists’ instead of ‘the elementalists.’ will give more effects and tension to the story. I understand that authors nowadays don’t really pay attention to capitalizations but I personally thought it’d be better to have it properly capitalized. You stated that you will add a sub-title since this is just the first part of the series, and I think it’s a brilliant idea. Unfortunately, I’m not good at titles so I can recommend you nothing. Since I do not know what will be the main conflict of this part yet, I can’t really find a good and resembling idea.

Description/Foreword (9/10)

Amazing. I really, really love it. In the description, you wrote solely one paragraph, explaining about the situations and an overview of the ascending conflict. “All in the hands of five young Elementalists.” From this sentence, I was drawn wondering: who are these Elementalists? What are Elementalists actually? What sort of cursed kingdom? And how were the people oppressed? I was wondering about a lot of things. You successfully captivated my interest. You also put a tiny bit of prologue in the foreword. I think you picked just the right part. What will she find in the hill? If it’s hope, what kind of hope? She also mentioned ‘the last one’, the last one as of what? Some of these wonders, though, were answered in the first chapter. I was expecting the story to start off from a different settings or introduction, so my questions could be left unanswered until I reached the middle of the story. I do believe that foreword – in your case, a prologue – holds the readers’ first impression and curiosity. You do not want to overcome our curiosities in the very first chapter. However, you haven’t revealed what you it meant by ‘hope’ and who ‘the last one’ actually was, so I’d like to see how you’ll answer it throughout the plot. Overall, excellent job!

Appearance (9/10)

As a person who is fond to simplicity, the appearance of your story fits perfectly well to my liking. Simple and compact fonts; matching well with the tone. The poster is pretty, too. ‘A cursed kingdom…’ it said. It doesn’t have a title or author or anything else that a poster needs. Maybe you can make another poster or request from a shop. I suggest you to put five figures resembling the five Elementalists because that would match perfectly with the story. The colorings and pictures matched already, though.

Characterizations (18/20)

I do have to say that characterization is eminently difficult. To build realistic, believable and relatable characters is not easy at all. What makes me like your writing is how you managed to describe their physical appearance perfectly, and this referred to all characters being mentioned, even the minor ones. I could totally draw them in my head. Your characters are mostly OCs – not idols or some sort – so it’s amazing to know that I could imagine them just by reading the descriptions. However, physical appearance is only one aspect of characterization that you should take note of. I’ll expand my views about your characters so we can discuss about them.

Yoon Hyun Su – In my personal opinion, Hyun Su was the one who stood up the highest. He’s the most developed character so far. Among others, I could relate to Hyun Su the most. Perhaps, it is due to the story that revolved a lot around Hyun Su. He appeared to me as a determined prince of the Earth Kingdom who always takes things seriously. He’s well-developed, like I have just said, but I found myself wanting to see more of his ‘inside’. Hyun Su’s emotions were pretty well conveyed. Although it wasn’t entirely, I could somehow relate to him. In the upcoming chapters, I suggest you to convey more of his emotions and reveal more backgrounds as a form of hints to the ascending conflicts. I do believe something was not right about Hyun Su himself as the heir of the Earth Kingdom, but this is only my prediction. I’d love to see what kind of twist and conflict would actually come around Hyun Su’s character.

Yamir – I really like his childish side. His character brought a lighter mood to the story, and it’s a good thing. Complicated plotline like this needs a bright and lively character, which Yamir had took the role of. To me, he’s the complete opposite of Hyun Su. Like, he knew he had the powers that marked himself as the Water Guardian, yet he took his powers easily without considering too much about it. His limited understanding about languages and general knowledge also strike away the perfection a character should not have. Yamir was simply believable. He’s well developed, too. Again, it was probably due to the plot line that talked a lot about his and Hyun Su’s point of views.

Yoon Hyun Ae – What I could take from Hyun Ae is that she’s a well-educated woman, well-mannered, down to earth, and not that type of typical, spoiled princess. I like her character because you didn’t make her seem weak despite the soft-hearted personality that she owned. However, Hyun Ae still appeared like a blurry image to me. Sure, her background was shown and explained clearly, but emotion wise, she was rather empty. The chapters do not talk a lot about her. Her parts would not grab the readers’ attentions because you seemed to be focusing more on Hyun Su and Yamir’s journey. I understand, though, that you have merely reached the fourth chapter, so I’d patiently wait until the story revealed more about Hyun Ae. Dig more about her background and mostly her emotions. Show us her true personality, too.

Fukunishi Kaida – Personality and appearance wise, Kai was perfectly described. I could totally imagine him being the typical prince who held pride on the highest place. There was a spark of love that Kai conveyed to his sister, too, which I would love to see more on the upcoming chapters. Also, Kai somehow seemed to me like an antagonist. He would do anything to protect his family – moreover, to keep the status of his kingdom – wouldn’t he? He was also said to have heard rumors about Prince Hyun Su being an illegitimate child of the Earth Kingdom’s Kings and Queens, therefore he tried to get information from Princess Hyun Ae. I was actually wondering what his motives were. Solely out of curiosity? Or more into a form of revenge, or perhaps, something out of hatred that he had kept toward the other prince? Moreover he had also called the two as ‘Dirty Guardians’. I’d like to see what’s behind this in the upcoming chapters. Other than that, Kai’s emotions weren’t entirely conveyed yet. His background was shown, but it wasn’t enough for me to relate to him completely. I would love to see more of his development.

There were also a lot of minor characters being mentioned. One main lead, the Air Guardian, was yet to be introduced. As of now, I’m assuming that the Air Guardian was Lu Xa, the one that Hyun Ae saw in her visions. Lu Xa and her brother Jin Hai appeared in the fourth chapter, therefore I can’t really talk a lot about them. I would love to see their developments, too, because I believe the two of them – or at least Lu Xa – held important roles in the story. Also, I do have to praise you for giving the minor characters a lot of spaces to be described. I could even imagined Alok-baba and Chén who appeared in such mere, short scenes. Minor characters also deserved the spaces to be developed – not only described. Kai’s sister and uncle, for example, seemed to be having important roles, but they were mentioned solely in the first chapter without any depth. It would be great if you can explore more about these minor characters in the upcoming chapters. Overall, your characterization is brilliant. Their personalities were perfectly exposed, so furthermore, it would be wise to convey more of their emotions. On a side note, there are five main leads in this story, yes? The five Elementalists. I suggest you to give a fair focus on each of them. Writing chapters that talk mainly about each main lead – either revolving on the plot or some sort of background explanations – would develop them more.

Storyline (19/20)

First things first: I love it. Not only that you developed the characters very well, you also managed to develop the plot. It’s running in the right pace; the right track. It started off with the vision that Hyun Ae saw, which you beautifully wrote in the foreword. Hyun Ae was the Princess of the Earth Kingdom, an Elementalist herself. She - along with her brother, Prince Hyun Su and the Prince of Fire Empire, Kai – was supposed to find the rest of The Elementalists and discussed the plan. Afterwards, when they separated, Hyun Su found Yamir, the Water Guardian. Hyun Ae’s vision told that ‘the last one’ should be found in a hill, and Hyun Su met Lu Xa and Jin Hai over there, with Lu Xa being assumed as the Air Guardian. You stopped there, though, leaving me wondering: what’s happening next? When I looked back to the description, it said something about The Great War. What is the reason behind the sudden realization of these Elementalists that they suddenly wanted to find the missing members and gather to a form a force? What happened after The Great War actually? The main conflict had yet to ascend. Up until the fourth chapter, the plot merely talked about the introduction which is how The Elementalists gathered and completed the group. The main conflict had yet to arise, therefore the questions remained lingering in the heads of the readers. That is just why I love the story. However, if I have to be honest, the story gets confusing at times. I acknowledge your description skill, especially when you talked about the history of the Gods, the background of the kingdoms, etcetera. It was perfect. But like I said, it sometimes gets us confused. You might want to brush it off because some readers would just stop reading when they were confounded about how the plot actually goes. This is a complicated story and I do believe you’ve planned everything beforehand, so I can only suggest you to not to lose the grip. The plot holds very important role of the whole story itself. Do put unexpected occurrences and conflicts that can surprise the readers. You can also put some side genre; romance, perhaps, because I could somehow see that spark of developing romance between Kai and Hyun Ae (or is it just me?). But don’t take the last suggestion too seriously. It was just me wanting to have a light occurrence of other genre (and heck I’m a er for fantasy and supernatural being mixed with romance). Excellent work, really.

Originality (9/10)

Although it isn’t fresh – I mean, how many times have I encountered supernatural stories that talked about Gods and humans with supernatural powers? – but the story of yours is fairly original. It is complicated in its own way and it is my total weakness – I love complicated stories – and it’s totally different with the others I have come across to. Well done.

Plot total (28/30)

The English (14/15)

Perfect English, really. I barely saw any mistakes. However, I do want you to note some rules in regard of punctuation.

When you want to put a dialogue, make sure to embed it in a new paragraph. You don’t want to confuse the readers by putting hundreds of dialogues in solely one paragraph, do you? I’d love to give examples but then you disallowed text selection so I couldn’t copy the story. But it’s very simple you just have to place dialogues in different paragraph unless they are continuations.

The placing of commas, too. These mistakes were commonly found in direct speeches. When a dialogue stops or starts with a subject being called, you should put a comma before or after that subject. For examples:

“Wāng wasn’t the name on the inn, was it Yamir?”

Correction: “Wāng wasn’t the name on the inn, was it, Yamir?”

“Gēgē is a hyung Yamir,”

Correction: “Gēgē is a hyung, Yamir,”

Now, I could see that you like to use a lot of commas when you can actually use other punctuations such like dashes (-) and semicolons (;).

Dashes are used to replace commas to set off words and phrases that interrupt one sentence. For example:

After a long, but not uncomfortable pause, Hyun Su heard a tiny voice call out softly, “Not always.”

Suggested revision: After a long – but not uncomfortable – pause, Hyun Su heard a tiny voice call out softly, “Not always.”

Dashes can also be used to put a short summary after one, complete clause, while semicolons are used to connect two main clauses. It felt like, when reading the story, you put so many commas that I thought it’d be better to put other punctuations that fit the line.

You also have a misspelled word, found on the fourth chapter:

“I’m too tired to walk any more Hyun-nim!”

Correction: “I’m too tired to walk any more, Hyung-nim!”

Your grammar isn’t something you should be bothered about. It is most-likely perfect – like I said – I could barely find any mistakes.

Flow (3/5)

Like I’ve stated in the Storyline section, the main conflict of this story had yet to ascend. It’s leading to the conclusion that the pace is somehow too slow, but if you’re planning to make this as a long-chaptered fic, then you may keep this pace up. Still, do not make the readers wait too long and drop hints as of what the conflicts are going to be about in the beginning chapters, too.

Overall Enjoyment (5/5)

You have a good grasp of English and the story is very complicated which is why I enjoyed it. The reasons why this story gets less attention are probably because a) the tags. You merely put ‘fantasy’ and ‘supernatural’ without giving the tag of the characters, b) you don’t actually use the name of an idol. I don’t even know if Kai, here, was referring to Kai of EXO. Truth be told, most people in this site are truly biased that they only want to read fanfictions with the name of their idols being used. Your characters are mostly (or entirely) OCs, that is probably why people don’t pay your story a notice. I do not have any problem with that, though. Beautiful story, I love it.

Writing Style (8/10)

Honestly, the use of foreign languages confused me a lot. You did put the keys as of what the words meant by the end of each chapter, but it took me a lot of paragraphs until I reached them to understand what the characters were saying; what you were saying. It’s annoying sometimes but on the other side, I found it really cool. You did a research before writing and that’s just what every author needs to do. Your writing style is sophisticated and again it is my total weakness so I really, really like it.

Total (98/110)

You requested for a constructive criticism, but I couldn’t really spot the flaws aside from what I’ve mentioned. Still, I do hope my review helps. Please do not hesitate to drop me questions or clarifications if I stated something wrong about your story. This is the highest score I’ve given out in this shop so far. You did a brilliant job. Keep up the good work and thank you for requesting, I hope I’ve somehow helped!

 

AUTHOR'S NOTES; The owner of the shop, blueconfetti, helped me in revising the minor grammatical errors that I have in this review. This is the original version, though, not revised.

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