to make you smile

screamingmidget

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop (ღ )

Title

Your title matches perfectly well with your story – the bridge of relation can even be seen in the foreword. That’s a good point. However, I do have to say that – to a picky reader like me – I won’t be interested to check the story if I were only to judge from the title. It’s simple, yes, but not excellent either.

Foreword/Description

You wrote a perfect description; simple and short, yet enough to ignite the curiosity of the readers. ‘What kind of tragedy that Hani experienced? What made her father’s company fell apart? Who was Luhan to Hani?’ These thoughts came up and I found myself wanting to read more of the story. I’m giving you thumbs up for that.

In the foreword, you wrote some kind of a prologue that happened 10 years before the current time. It’s about a little girl - whom I believed was Hani - who encountered Luhan in her house and found herself fluttered in anger. Here, you merely showed that Hani didn’t like Luhan and so was the other way around. You didn’t reveal the main plot of the story, which is why I’m giving you another thumb up. However, from the very beginning, I had thought that the story would revolve around a cliché, arranged-marriage conflict with the start of main leads hating each other – and the foreword didn’t seem to catch my attention back. I would probably be more captivated if you put another excerpt, something from the middle or ending of the story, without actually revealing the plot. I believe if you put it like that, also with so many hints that you’ve put in the first few chapters, the foreword would be more gripping and intriguing. But overall, well done!

Appearance

I have nothing to say about this. Simple, compact fonts. Beautiful posters. Neat arrangements and formatting. Full points, if I were to give you a score.

Plot

Despite the fact that there’s an obscure relationship between Luhan and Hani (which I am going to talk about in the Characterization section), the story of yours is getting more and more interesting. There were words behind the lines – you gave us hints about the twists that would happen as more conflicts ascended. It’s just the way I like it. It gets confusing sometimes, but I’m sure when the twists are revealed, readers will realize how you’ve actually put a lot of hints for them. However, I do think that you will need some touch-ups. Let us first break it down to discuss.

In chapter 5, you mentioned that Luhan collapsed for a nap in a rock. I don’t think the scene made any sense. First of all, it’s a public place. It’s in front of the hospital and even though it was explained that Luhan was probably too tired because he watched over Hani the whole day, I don’t think it’s realistic to say that he fell asleep in a rock. I don’t know if you’re putting this as a slice of comedy or something to fresh the readers mind, though. Please do not hesitate to clarify my interpretation.

In chapter 6, during the scene where Luhan was about to hide Hani by pretending to make up with her, you mentioned that Hani cried due to her reminiscence toward her sister. Allow me to quote from your story:

"Haera." She bit out, "I think she woke up."

If you write it that way, it could be interpreted as though Haera did wake up and Hani had this kind of realization out of nowhere - where in fact - she was just certain about her sister. She was just feeling insecure and worried about Haera. Therefore, I think it would sound better if you could re-phrase the quote. Something like; “Haera… What if she wakes up?” or “What will happen to her later?” would fit along the line.

There were other missing parts that I spotted, but I won’t talk about it since I thought it was just a mere way to drop the hints. I could sense some twists coming. While reading this, I found myself wanting to know about a lot of things. What is the reason behind Hani’s family’s disappearances during her birthdays? Who is Mr.Lu exactly? Merely a friend of Hani’s father? Who is Luhan’s mother and what does she has to do with Hani? I found myself questioning a lot of unrevealed scenes so I would like to see how you would reveal layers by layers of it.

Grammar

Your English is excellent. You have a wide range of vocabularies and consistent used of tense. However, some words were just off the place, sounded awkward, and spelled incorrectly. I’ll put some mistakes and correct them for you.

“She was encased in layers of clothing. Even though it was chilly outside, she had opened it.”

Correction: “She was encased in layers of clothing. Even though it was chilly outside, she had opened the window.”

Ø  If you are meaning to say that she had opened the window, ‘it’ won’t be the right substitution because in the first glance it seemed like the ‘it’ refers to her clothing instead.

 

“The eight-year-old scampered up off her bed.”

Correction: “The eight-year-old scampered off her bed.”

 

She felt her heart flutter and she reasoned it to be out of anger.

Correction: “She felt her heart fluttered and she reasoned it to be out of anger.”

 

“…, they remembered her plea not to give away her hiding spot should they find her.”

Correction: “…, they remembered her plea not to give away her hiding spot.”

Ø  The last bit of the sentence makes no sense, you could probably just discard it, unless there’s a missing word or punctuation.

 

““Is…is more.” Hani fanned herself, “There’s two more in the cupboards,…””

Correction: “”Are…Are more.” Hani fanned herself, “there are two more in the cupbaords,…””

 

“The bowed to each other and Hani spoke first.”

Correction: “They bowed to each other and Hani spoke first.”

 

“Mr. Lu and Luhan, you two have to get settled in the guest house, right? You luggage must have arrived there already.”

Correction: ““Mr. Lu and Luhan, you two have to get settled in the guest house, right? Your luggage must have arrived there already.””

 

“Noona, Eomma, Appa and I’ll (I will) give you some time alone to get ready.”

Correction: ““Noona, Eomma, Appa and I will give you some time alone to get ready.””

Ø  To put an ‘I’ and ‘will’ together as ‘I’ll’ shows that the verb ‘will’ is to be followed by the latter subject only. In your sentence, ‘will’ was meant for four people, therefore connecting it with “I’ won’t be suitable.

 

Luhan just stared blankly up the stairs, where the girl had disappeared up.

Correction: “Luhan just stared blankly up the stairs, where the girl had disappeared to.”

 

“When was he not blabbering away?”

Correction: “Why was he not blabbering away?” | “Since when did he stop blabbering away?”

 

“He crouched next to Mr. Lu, grasping his face to check it, eyes wide in worry.”

Correction:  “He crouched next to Mr. Lu, grasping his face to check it, eyes widened in worry.”

 

“Tch. For what?”

Correction: “Tch. What for?”

 

““No, that’s fine. Don’t worry her.””

Correction: “”“No, that’s fine. Don’t worry about her.””

Like said; you merely have basic grammatical and spelling mistakes. Make sure to proofread your chapters and I’m sure you’ll be able to discard the flaw. Also, you used a lot of Korean terminologies: Appa, Eomma, Eonni, Oppa, Ahjussi, Ahjumma – even some verbs and sentences: yoboseo, eotokkae, arasso. First of all, it puts me off because I don’t really favor stories that include Korean terminologies in dialogues or paragraphs. Moreover, I don’t think everyone here in this site have a good and proper understanding about the terms. Sure, you put the explanations in the end of the chapters – although you didn’t tell what are ‘yoboseo’ and ‘eotokkae’ - but some readers might get confounded. I’m not saying that you should discard it, though. I believe it affects your story in some ways. However, it’d be better if you can format them into italics and put explanations for all Korean terms, not only the subjects but also the verbs and nouns.

Flow

The overall pace of the story was pretty alright for me. The hints that you’ve put were probably the ones that made the flow seemed alright, albeit it was actually a bit too slow. If you’re planning to make this into a lengthy fic, then you should keep to this pace. The hints were such nuisances, really (in a good way, of course), so keep that up too.

Characterization

Like I said before, there’s an obscure relationship between Hani and Luhan in this story. Going down to the beginning; it was said that Luhan and Hani hated each other. They were friends since young. You even said that Luhan knew Hani since she was born. They were once good friends –it was stated in the later chapter - but something came into an occurrence, causing Luhan to owe Hani a debt. At the same time, it left the two into a far distance and eventually; hates grew between them. I don’t know if I put this right, but if I do, then why were Luhan so eager to see Hani when he knew her parents died in the accident? It seemed to me that he worried about her with his entire heart – not solely due to a debt that he owed. Luhan’s reaction when he jumped out of the room and searched for Hani in the mansion - to me - wasn’t at all realistic. If he disliked her, he wouldn’t have done that. He owed her a debt, sure, but the reaction was written as if it was a reflex, therefore I thought it made no sense.

Also, about them hating each other; I could see why Luhan disliked Hani. There’s something going on with his father and the girl, albeit you haven’t revealed what it was. To know that Hani, too, hated Luhan that much, I found myself wondering what her reason was. I hope there’ll be some hints and realistic explanations about this in the upcoming chapters.

As for the characters individually – to be honest – I couldn’t seem to draw the full sketches of them in my head. Their descriptions were lacking of emotions. You merely wrote about their acts and tend to focus more on the situations without describing about the characters’ feeling and way of thinking.  Allow me to break it down so we can discuss about it again?

Hani – she appeared to me as a childish, spoiled yet rich seventeen years old girl who acted as herself only in front of her family. Her sarcasm was the only thing that I liked from her. Aside from that, I wondered from time to time: who was she exactly? I couldn’t relate to her almost at all, like, did she recover from the loss that quickly? Did she hate Luhan that much? Did she has to hide from her Mother and the servants and tried to run away from the house? Aside from the obvious, I really couldn’t get a grip of her true personality and perspective. Maybe it was due to your writing style that tends to describe situations and actions more rather than the characters’ inner thoughts and emotions.

Luhan – same goes with him. Up until the ninth chapter, he’s still a blurred image to me. His behavior toward Hani confounded me even more. There’s something about his past that must’ve hurt him in some ways but I couldn’t feel the pain. There’s something about his friends (mentioned as Bomi and a group of males who went for practices) that brought him up to the ‘bright side’ of his life but I couldn’t feel the happiness. Luhan appeared – most of the time – to complete the concurrent scenes without actually showing his emotions and way of thinking. That must’ve been the reason of why I could not relate to him. Therefore, I think you’d need to give more touches upon the two main leads. Having readers inside your characters’ shoes would ease them to understand the story completely – in order to do so, draw the sketch of your characters without a gap or missing colors – that way, readers would eventually be able to relate to them.

There are a lot of minor characters but the problem about their characterizations was exactly the same as Luhan’s and Hani’s, so I won’t be talking about them. Although they’re merely minor characters, you need to note that they still deserve some space to be developed, therefore it’d be great if you could sketch them more clearly. The fact that Kris was said to be the main lead and was put in every poster but was only mentioned in the end of chapter seven puts me off a bit, too. However, I understand that you want to reveal his existence a bit later, so I’ll let it off. Overall, for the next chapters, try to deepen your characters more and take note on the relationship between Luhan and Hani.

Comments/Enjoyment

I can’t say that I enjoy the story that much but you have to note that I’m a very picky reader and drama is just not one of the genres that I preferred. However, your story is intriguing in some aspects, perhaps due to the twists that I myself had wanted to know about. So keep up the good work! I don’t know if this review helps you. I hope it does, though! Do not hesitate to drop me a clarification if I stated the wrong facts about your story. I apologize for sounding too harsh, and thank you for requesting to the shop. Have a good day and good luck!

 

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