sweetest vengeance 

khaireenhilda

reviewed at WORLD OF LITERATURE (ღ)

 

1) Grammar: 3/ 5        

As much as I want to say that you have taken a full grasp on English language, I, too, have to be a little strict so that you’ll be able to improve yourself in the future. I have a few things to discuss in regard to your grammatical skill so please hold on a little longer.

On 18th April, Jessica was gifted with the worst present imaginable;

her first heartbreak.

Now, what’s incorrect about this sentence is the use of ‘imaginable’. The adjective that you chose, unfortunately, doesn’t suit the sentence at all. If you really want to use the word imagine, try to re-phrase it as shown below:

On 18th April, Jessica was gifted with the worst present imaginable she could ever imagine;

her first heartbreak.

Or to make it more efficient:

On 18th April, Jessica was gifted with the worst present imaginable ever;

her first heartbreak.

 

Jessica glared at her dangerously. Her eyes seems to shot poisonous daggers.

Correction: Jessica glared at her dangerously. Her eyes seemed to shot poisonous daggers.

Please take note that the sentence above is not the only mistake that I found in terms of verb inconsistency. Since you are using past tense from the very beginning, the rest of the passage should be written in past tense as well. Your tense kept on going back and forth from past to present. Proofread, my dear, and revise your sentences. I’ll spot and correct a few for you.

Physically, Heechul is the still the same, but Jessica could sense something different in him, […]

Correction: Physically, Heechul was the still the same, but Jessica could sense something different in him, […]

His expression hardened as he tighten his jaw, the cynical smile wore off.

Correction: His expression hardened as he tightened his jaw, the cynical smile wore off.

That was the first time she cried as she now recognize herself as a sinner.

Correction: That was the first time she cried as she now recognized herself as a sinner.

She now understand how Kibum felt all this while; and yet Kibum is in a worser case than hers.

Correction:  She now understood how Kibum felt all this while; and yet Kibum was in a worse case than hers.

And some more basic grammatical mistakes that you made:

Jessica's sobs grew stonger as she crumpled into the comfort of her best friend's arms.

Correction: Jessica's sobs grew stronger as she crumpled into the comfort of her best friend's arms.

Jessica sighed. Heechul really did changed her. She couldn't bear to sit.

Correction: Jessica sighed. Heechul really did change her. She couldn't bear to sit.

But they was none, and she knew that.

Correction:  But there was none, and she knew that.

Jessica saw it. And she couldn't even breath. Her eyes shot up in suprise.

Correction: Jessica saw it. And she couldn't even breathe. Her eyes shot up in surprise.

Tiffany silented for a while, considering whether to answer that question.

Correction: Tiffany became silent for a while, considering whether to answer that question.

Correction #2: Tiffany fell into a room of silence for a while, considering whether to answer that question.

Despite the fact that you have a beta-reader to revise your chapters, there are still quite a few mistakes that would definitely bother the readers. We hate typos and you have a dozen of it, so make sure to check over and over again before marking the work final. Pay attention to your verb consistency, too.

2) Diversity of Conversational Structure: 4/ 5    

I honestly think there’s a good and proper balance when it comes to your conversational structure. Dialogues are important, yes, but the overused of it would have irked the readers in so many ways. You, though, managed to create a balance between your direct and indirect speeches. You know when and where do you have to place dialogues as much as when and where do you have to write descriptions. Very well done.

I took off one point, though, for Jess’ diary entry and Kibum’s letter. These two parts were not efficiently done; they almost appeared too speculative. Not only did they affect your conversational structure, they also affected the flow of your story. Kibum’s letter was too long. He wrote too much. Since you put his letter near the end of the story, the most effective and efficient way to write it is to make it short. I know you want to reveal a lot of information through his letter (how the video was recorded, Heechul’s exact motives) but some things are just not important to be said. I honestly skipped some parts of his letter. If you attempted to strengthen his characterization from the background stories being revealed in that very letter, I must say that you failed it.

3) Typographical errors and Layout: 3/ 5 

You are aware that your typographical errors were all over the place; I have spotted some in the previous section but I highly recommend you to look through the chapters again and revise every typo that you have made. With the help of your beta, I’m sure it won’t be that much of a bothersome task to complete. As for the layout, well, I don’t have anything against it. Truth be told, I read your story from mobile and nothing had bothered me so I’m completely fine with whatever you have there. I badly want to look at it from desktop but I don’t have any internet connection at the moment so for that (and for the lack of my professionalism) I’d like to apologize. 

That aside; high points for the formatting. You sure know which words are okay to be emphasized and which aren’t. The italic formatting that you applied to some words in attempt to emphasize it just make the story even more pleasurable to read.

Now, the reason why I deducted more points than I should have is due to your punctuation. I haven’t read the reviews that other reviewers gave you but if they happen to be a neat freak like I am, they must have pointed this out for you.

Punctuation. It’s just as simple as it is. When you end a dialogue and there’s a verb tag following it (she asked, she said, he repeated, he remarked), the dialogue should be ended with a comma. If you want to end the dialogue with exclamation or question mark, the comma should just be discarded.

"First question; have you ever fell in love with anybody else before Leeteuk?,"

Correction: "First question; have you ever fell in love with anybody else before Leeteuk?"

Pay attention to that because some readers might get annoyed with even the slightest punctuation mistake a write makes.

4) Story Title: 3/ 5 

Sweetest Vengeance. Not the best choice. When I first saw the list of pending reviews, I must say that none of the titles managed to grip my interest. Yours, too, did not. You changed your title from ‘Sweetest Avenge’ to ‘Vengeance’ and although it gives a more glamorous kind of feeling, it doesn’t manage to enhance the appeal of it. I cannot say that Sweetest Vengeance is up to what we call unique and fresh either. Try to search for your own title in this site, how many do you think you would find?

Past that, I do have to praise you for choosing a title that is fairly related to your plotline. The contradictive words that you juxtaposed surely give a certain effect to the readers and it made us wondering as to what the vengeance is and how exactly it is sweet when revenges are supposed to be unpleasing. Still, the lack of originality and attractiveness of it failed to get me (and probably a lot more readers out there).

5) Description: 3.5/ 5 

Okay, positives first. The only thing that I like from your description is the simplicity of it. You phrased the whole sentence with the proper length and wording. Its short and blunt content reveals the main idea of the story without spilling the twist; that is just why I’d like to give you my two thumbs up.

However, just like your title, your description is not entirely captivating. The impression that it gives (and I am referring to the punch line “her first heartbreak”) fails to grip my interest. By the time you said that Jessica was given a heartbreak experience, I was thrown off the window right off the bat because honey, how cliché do you think the story would be?

It surprises me that the plot holds a lot more than that, so if we see it from different perspective, your description could be considered effective and efficient. Still, first impressions are important. If I am not to review this story in the first place, your description definitely won’t keep me going. Also, take note on the grammatical mistake that I’ve revised in the Grammar section. You don’t want to give a bad impression to your readers from the very beginning, do you?

6) Foreword or Prologue: 5/ 5 

The quoted speech in your foreword is such a brilliant idea. If your description didn’t manage to pull me in, your foreword managed to take the role over. A foreword is supposed to support your description and while many writers don’t really take the advantage of it, you did a great job in pulling off the strings hence the full mark for this aspect. It makes me think of a lot of things in regard to the story; how would it amaze me, how would it surprise me, how would it develop and all. Props to you for the entire foreword and the neat formatting down there (you might want to separate the review credits in different paragraph though. It looks kinda messy in my eyes).

 7) Story Plot: 

The presentation of Characters: 3.5/5   

The portrayal of Jessica’s character was very, very well done. You sure have a knack for creating such an angsty field with your words. Some things are missing, though; some things need a few more touches on top. Firstly, you clearly stated that Jessica fell for Heechul since the very first time she saw him. She fell in love with Heechul whose face looked exactly the same as her ceased brother. To me, the mention of Jessica’s brother – moreover to be referred as one of the reasons why she fell in love with Hee – is not at all necessary. Sure, it gives a lot of things about Jess, and you did put a tiny bit of the sibling’s story in the end, but it is just not necessary and totally off the track. Second, Donghae’s appearance. I hate to say this but he’s not, at all, needed. Say that he weren’t there, I think it’ll make a huge difference and in a good way too. The role of his as Jessica’s best friend just … ruins everything.

Onwards with Heechul. He has the potential to be the most favorable character in this story. His strong motives, his façade, his fake treatments toward Jessica – all of them just make a total sense. The sad thing is, you didn’t develop his character as much as you did to Jessica. The revelation of everything in the end of part two – yes, Heechul’s super long speech that is – is also such a big, loose hole to start with. Now, when I say that Hee was not entirely developed, that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t relatable. In some ways, he was. Kudos to you for that.

We also have our poor little Kim Kibum. I honestly think he needs more spotlight in the story. The letter did reveal some things about him (although most of them aren’t necessary),  but to know that he’s one of the reasons why Jess killed herself in the end and why Heechul planned the revenge in the first place, his character, I conclude, lacks of development. He needs more spaces, more spotlights.

Overall, keep up the way you convey your characters’ emotions. Like said, you have a knack for it. You just need to make sure that your characters appear realistic. Strengthen the motives behind their actions and give the proper amount of development for everyone; minor characters need to be relatable too.

The distinctiveness of the conflict: 10/ 15

Although the resolution appears to me as a solid and brilliant idea, I can’t say that your story is up to what we call new and original. I have come across stories like yours before so in all honesty, I was not that blown. Back again to what I’ve said before: the lack of logic in your characters’ motives and the unnecessary events that you included would be some out of a few reasons why. I still have to praise you for the well-planned conflict though.

The flow of the Events: 4/ 10 

Previously I have told you that Kibum’s letter happened to affect your flow in a bad way. It really did. The unnecessary background stories that Kibum himself revealed didn’t do you any good. Some things are meant to be left unsaid, honey, some things aren’t supposed to be written. You may let your readers imagine it by our own; we can create and imagine Kibum’s life/background by assumptions taken from Heechul’s development or by the figments of our own imaginations. The main idea of Kibum’s role, here in Sweetest Vengeance, is his unconditional love towards Jessica. No other than that. If you want to include more backgrounds about Kibum, it should only revolve around his love for Jessica. Not about his parents, not about the teacher who had Parkinson.

Same thing goes to Donghae. His existence just drove me over the edge. Like I said before, he’s not needed. I do understand that Jessica’s character needs a tiny bit of happiness – which, in this case, is her friend Donghae – but if in the end Donghae did not hold that much of a role, why bother including him in the first place? He was just there to slow your pace down.

If you have discarded some events that are not entirely corresponding to the main idea, I’m sure the pace of this story would get steady and the effect to the readers would change for the better.

The quality of the description of the setting and its appropriateness: 4/ 5 

Deducting one single point because you’re focusing too much on the conveyance of the characters’ emotions that you forget the importance of setting description. I’m not saying that it’s entirely a bad thing. Conveying the characters’ inner feelings is as important as describing scenes and settings, therefore, you have to make sure that you do well on both aspects. There’s always a room for improvement so keep writing! I’m sure you’ll do a lot better than you already are. 

The fitness of the twist in the story: 13/ 15 

Resolution. That’s the most vital part of the entire story. The twist in the end is very magnificent. You have the potential to leave me in a mess of awe with that certain plot turn. Now, when I say that you have the potential, it basically means you didn’t manage to win me over. The idea is brilliant, but the way it was delivered isn’t. Again, Kibum’s letter. It was just, the most inexpedient decision to have it written in the first place. I’ve explained why.

And then there’s Jessica’s decision to kill herself. There’s nothing wrong with it, sure there isn’t. I honestly think it’s a good idea to have Jessica lying dead in her bed to mark the ending of the story. However, her motive… her motive doesn’t really make sense. You leave me up to two interpretations: (a) she was all depressed because unfortunately Heechul didn’t love her at all (and it took her only a second to fall in love it him; two months to be all dependant on him), she felt guilty toward Kibum, she thought there’s no need to live no more; nothing to fight for, so she ended up killing herself. Or, (b), which is literally the same with the previous idea: Jessica wanted to be happy. Reality brought her grief. Death brought her happiness. So why not drink all those pills and loose her last breath in her sleep then go find Kibum in the afterlife?

Her feeling development for Heechul would be one of the strongest reasons as to why her motives make no sense. Other than that, I think you focused too much on conveying Jessica’s grief so the motives that might just be right there aren’t built as strong as it could have been. High points for the idea, though. It really is magnificent.

The consistency of the content: 5/ 5 

You have done a very great job in this aspect. Although Kibum’s letter, Donghae’s appearance and the rest of the unnecessary events had messed the outer layer of your plot consistency, I still have to give you a full mark for this. Everything was just on track. Points for having how the videos were recorded explained.

The taste of the story: 12/15

For a reader whose weakness is no other than angsty, dark fanfiction, I must say that I have expected a lot from the story, that’s why I decided to review it before anyone takes the task over. In some ways, it did not disappoint me. The psychological pressure that Jessica had undergone was very realistic. It could’ve been the main point of all. However, you failed to grasp it entirely hence the weak portrayal.

The unnecessary event hat slowed your pace down is another thing that you need to work on. Past that, you do have to put more effort in regard to your grammatical skills. Props to you for the angst tone, though. It surely gives your story a particular effect that not all writers could make.  Kudos for the emphasis, too.

Overall score:  73/100 POINTS

Reviewer’s note: Despite all the criticism that I gave you, it would be a lie if I say I did not have a good read. You have done a great job; you just need to strengthen a few aspects that you’re lacking at. I hope you find this review helping and not as an insult or some sort. Do not hesitate to drop any feedbacks, too. Keep writing!

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