unveiling the assassin

Amalya

reviewed at ‵ℰxoxo ↻ Graphics // Story Review Shop (ღ )

Title (4/5)

The title is, needless to say, related to the plot. It draws the readers’ interest as of what the story is going to be about. However, to a picky reader like I am, the title doesn’t captivate my whole interest – I doubt I’d click on the story if I were to judge merely from the title.

Description/Foreword (7/10)

In my opinion, both description and foreword of yours were too revealing. You basically summarized the whole plot in the description, and the ending was shown in the foreword. The conflicts that would ascend, the twists that would blow the readers away – they were basically outlined in these two sections. To me, it’s such a big waste. The statement about their relationship might be okay to be written in the description, but the fact that Changmin was actually the assassin who killed or was involved in Jae’s parents’ deaths was supposed to be an unexpected twist. If you didn’t put that excerpt in the foreword, later when the story reached the ending, I’m quite sure I’d be surprised – so would the other readers. It’s fine to put an excerpt in the foreword, but in my personal opinion, you chose the wrong one. It gave off almost everything. The twist should’ve been kept until the story marked its end, but despite so, both of the description and foreword were really intriguing (that’s why I only deducted a few points). What left questioning me were: who pulled the trigger first? Was it Jae or was it Changmin? For what reason did Changmin kill Jae’s parents? Through these wonders I hope you’ll manage to blow me off with more plot twists throughout. Very well done, though, overall.

Appearance (10/10)

I’m going to state this over and over again in my reviews, really, but I’m very fond to simplicity of appearances. Your font style, size and color ticked the right box of that ‘simplicity’ of mine. The poster was nice, too. It’s a work of other’s so I won’t be talking about it, but overall, it matches well with the tone of your story.

Characterizations (19/20)

With many characters being mentioned, I was actually worried about how you’ll turn them ‘alive’. I do believe that, in any circumstances, characters still play very important and essential roles in a story. Even when they’re merely minors, they still need spaces to be developed as much as the main leads. Writers tend to overwork on the main leads and forget the juxtaposing minor characters, but you successfully brought every of your character into the state of realistic and believable.

I found myself liking the role of Kyuhyun the most. He was initially stated as a difficult person – at least it was what Jungsu told Jae – so the quick relationship development between him and Jaejoong put me off a bit. However, Kyuhyun’s character, to me, was very clear and I liked his personality although his inner thoughts, feelings, past life, etcetera weren’t revealed as much. It would’ve been great if you could tell more about Kyuhyun’s life - after all, he held an important role. Out of others, I found myself wanting to know about him more.

Jaejoong was too cute for his own good. Main leads like him, in other stories, tend to be described as a man with less word who acts all cold and so forth. Jaejoong, though, was peculiar. I personally like the way he slowly realized his interest toward Changmin and how he occasionally talked to himself. His character is the one that developed the most, too. He’s a good person, that - we could place as obvious.  His affection toward the Lee neighbors told me pretty much about his real personality, hidden beneath his eager and serious side. My only advice is to keep your consistency in developing Jaejoong’s character. Do not stop exploring more about him because although I said he was the most developed character, there are still a lot of underlying layers that haven’t been revealed.

In the other side, Changmin still lingered as a blurry image to me. Maybe it’s because you haven’t spilled much about him; his past and current life, his job, etcetera. He’s well-developed, sure, but not enough to make me relate to him. You did well, though, on describing his feelings that grew for Jae. I’d like to see how you’ll manage to develop Changmin’s character as much as you’ve developed Jaejoong’s. Like said, be consistent and dig more about him. Revealing them bit by bit won’t be a problem as long as it keeps the flow steady.

You also have a lot of minor characters. So far, they’re pretty good. I couldn’t relate to any as much but it’s fine since they don’t hold that much of important roles, but like I’ve stated, they still deserve some spaces to be developed. I personally want to know more about the assassins, though. Yunho, especially, since it seemed like his role is more important than the others. For the upcoming chapters, I’d like to see how you’ll reveal the background stories of these minor characters. Also, a side note; in the story, the Lee brothers had one person named Jinki. In chapter three, though, he was referred as ‘Onew’, followed with no explanation at all that Onew and Jinki were actually the same person. It’ll confuse the readers especially those who don’t know who Jinki/Onew was, so you probably would want to change that.

Storyline (18/20)

As I read throughout the chapters, I could see that the plot of yours holds the most important point of the whole story itself. In most cases, characterization is the key because the plot doesn’t seem to be complicated, but in your case, I do think that you need to pay more attention to the story line.

Twist is what I expected to have, and sure, I’ve came across some although none had got me surprised (because they were already revealed in the foreword). It still made me wondered though, what will happen next? Can I expect more twists? I do believe that you have planned this story beforehand so I’d like to see how you’ll place these twists for us, because if you don’t plan to, your story won’t be as captivating. Now, the plot itself is already complicated in its own way, therefore I suggest you to not to lose control of the storyline. Make sure the twists do not alter the plot in a negative way and don’t let things trail. The plot is basically the stand of the whole story, and it’s basically already strong enough, you just have to make sure to develop it further. Excellent job!

Originality (9/10)

Stories about assassin and the likes aren’t new in this site, and I can’t say that the plot of yours is fresh, but the originality remained still. I can’t say much about this, though, but if you can provide more unexpected twists I’m sure your story will be a lot different from the others.

Plot total (27/30)

The English (13/15)

Your English is really, really good and I don’t have the confidence to walk around announcing that my English is any better than yours, so I’ll refrain myself from correcting your mistakes – grammar wise. There are some things I’d like to spot for you, though.

Substitutions:

The subject substitutions that you used confuse me a lot. For example;

“The gun shook in his hands as he pointed it at him,…”

‘him’, in this case, was referring to Changmin – but the sentence was confusing at the first glance. You could’ve used Changmin’s name instead, since it won’t be repetitive at all. Another example;

“He should have expected him to be in the area and even more,…”

I understand that ‘he’ referred to Changmin and ‘him’ to Yunho, but the use of substation wasn’t necessary because you could’ve actually used the name. It’ll confuse the readers and I do believe these weren’t the only sentences with similar problem. You might want to proofread your chapters.

Punctuation:

Dialogue wise, you have embraced the correct punctuation rules. The mistakes that I found basically revolve around commas, though.

“Despite, the wound, he was incredibly quick on his feet, bolting as soon as he was hit.”

Correction: “Despite the wound, he was incredibly quick on his feet, bolting as soon as he was hit.”

 

Also, take note that you should put a comma in between juxtaposing adjectives, for example:

“…, messy dirty blonde hair.”

Correction: “…, messy, dirty, blonde hair.”

 

“…,the one with short black spiky hair smiled.”

Correction: “…,the one with short, black, spiky hair smiled.”

Incorrect spelling:

“If B was in town, there was absolutely no time to waist,…”

Correction: “If B was in town, there was absolutely no time to waste,”

 

Other than these basic mistakes, your grammar is nothing you should be aware of. Proofreading would eventually discard the flaw, though. Very well done!

Flow (4/5)

Honestly, I’ve somewhat hoped that the story will develop faster, but I eventually got used to the pace because you’ve managed to draw me into the plot. Keep up to this pace, but don’t make the readers wait too long. Remember that random events aren’t necessary if they don’t hold any hint to the ascending conflicts - they’ll merely slow down your flow. Good transitions, overall.

Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

If this is a het and not , I’m sure I’ll give you full points (after all, this section is my personal enjoyment). I don’t really read so the story put me off by much, but the plot is really interesting. It’d be better to revolve more onto the main problem, though, since it’s what intrigued me the most. Jae and Changmin’s relationship surely developed, but the main conflict hasn’t – at least, not as much – so I’d like to see how you’ll spill more layers of it in the next chapters.

Writing Style (8/10)

The only thing that I don’t like from your writing style is the fact that you used basic Korean terms such as ‘neh’, ‘pabo’, ‘yah’, ‘aish’, etcetera. This might be a mere personal opinion, but I do believe that not all readers in this site actually have good understanding about those terms. Moreover, although they were only a form of responses and short terminologies, they loosened the tension somehow. I’m not saying that you should discard it, though, and if you’re going to let them be, I suggest you to format them in italics and put an explanation under chapters as of what the Korean terms meant.

Other than that, I found myself liking your writing style. It’s simple yet sophisticated at the same time. Occasionally confusing but I believe you’d be able to discard the confusions by re-reading and revising your chapters. It matches well with the plot, too. The way you write made the story even more intriguing.

Total (96/110)

First of all, we apologize for the long wait. I wasn’t the one responsible for your review originally, but things happened on the way so I was asked to do it instead. The story is excellent that I thought I won’t be good enough to make a review out of it, but I certainly hope it helps! Once again, sorry to make you wait this long. I hope the review doesn’t disappoint you somehow. Good luck!

 

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