i love my geges

pkimkeymint

reviewed at ‵ℰxoxo ↻ Graphics // Story Review Shop (ღ )

Title (2/5)

Although it fits well to the end of the plot, it doesn’t match with the overall tone which - judging from the title - I had expected to be fluffy. Moreover, you didn’t capitalize the title properly. Instead of ‘I love my Geges’, you should replace it as ‘I Love My Geges’ and I probably will give a better score for this rubric.

Description/Foreword (8/10)

Let me just get everything straight. The words written in italic were supposed to be Tao’s thoughts, were not they? Tao didn’t say it out loud, therefore you put ‘’ instead of “” as the quote punctuation. My suggestion: leave it without quotation marks. Of course, you should put quotation marks for direct speeches that the Gege said, but when Tao was just talking in his mind, leave it without the quotation. It will just confuse the readers because it did confuse me.

The good thing about your description and foreword is that they don’t reveal the story that much. It was enough to ignite the readers’ curiosities and interests, though, the term ‘Gege’ used in the description (which after I read the story was referring to Lee Wei) and the same term used in the foreword (which referred to EXO-M members) confused me a lot. I thought the one speaking as ‘Gege’ in the description was one of EXO-M members but I was totally wrong.

Overall, aside from the grammatical errors, I think both of your description and foreword were very well written.

Appearance (7/10)

Beautiful posters right there; they match perfectly well to the story. You chose the right font types and size for the description/foreword, too. It would actually be better if you put the same font size for the chapters (because I just don’t like big fonts, but perhaps it is just me). Also, please, please avoid using different font colors. It distracts the readers even though you’re intending to indicate text messages/letters from those red-colored fonts.

Characterizations (10/20)

Here’s one thing that you need to know about characterization: it’s difficult. I’m not going to brag about my skill in developing characters because no, I don’t have that sort of skill, really. In my personal opinion, characterization is the most difficult aspect to get a full grasp on. There are just a lot of things that you need to accomplish. First, you need to make sure that your characters are realistic. Not only based on their physical appearances but also based on how they act and perform. Your characters also need to be believable. Most importantly, they need to be relatable. What I mean by relatable, here, is that we, readers, should be able to feel what they feel, experience what they experience, see what they see. It’s not easy to attain this (heck, it’s not at all easy for me), but if you try, who knows that you will be able to relate the readers to your characters?

Okay, enough with the basic theories. Allow me to write my views about your characters.

Tao – first of all, I think it was a good decision to make Tao as the main character instead of Sehun. Why? Basically it’s because I can see the real Tao in your story. In reality, I see Tao as a timid, youngest member who holds too much to the others, not only to the ones in M but also to the ones in K. His role in your story matched perfectly well to how I see him in real life, and if it had been Sehun instead, I don’t think I would enjoy the story as much (just because Sehun doesn’t seem to be like that, and Tao’s personality is what you need to keep the plot on the right track). Onto his development: I can’t say that his character was well-developed, mostly because you didn’t put a lot of descriptions about his feelings. I can totally imagine him being scared and all, but I couldn’t relate to how he felt exactly. It would be great if you could convey more of his emotions. When he gave in to Lei Wei, when he rested on the latter’s lap, when Kris and the others found him, when he came back from the trauma – I think those scenes need more touches and that means you need to show more of his feelings. It’s difficult to write in one’s point of view, especially when he/she suffers from traumas and psychological illness, so won’t it be great to take this as a challenge? I even found myself wanting to write from Tao’s point of view. The events that occurred to him, moreover the level of his fragility, made me want to see everything from his perspective. It’s such a waste to know that you didn’t manage to convey that.

Kris ­– When I often encountered Kris described as that cold, typical, antagonist-like character in other stories, his role in yours hurt my feelings.Seriously. I’m not into , not at all, but the relationship between Kris and Tao was sane enough to be considered as bromance, and it ached me. The fact that Kris broke into pieces the moment he realized he had failed as a good leader just marked everything that’s needed to make him believable and realistic. Kris, here, was not perfect – and that’s a good thing. Even so, his development wasn’t entirely conveyed. My suggestion would be the same with what I’ve told you about Tao.

Lee Wei – oh well. I don’t know how to put this in words. The idea of building an OC like Lee Wei is amazing. The fact that he was obsessed to Tao and even thought of something that isn’t true – like how he assumed that EXO members were giving pressure to Tao, that they didn’t love him, etcetera – was simply amazing to me. It was pretty much explained that he suffered from a psychological problem and I do have to praise you for not developing his role plainly. I think Lee Wei’s character is great, amazingly great, although it would be better if you could reveal more of his background story like what’s the reason behind his obsession toward Tao. On top of that, the uniqueness of his role makes me like his character the most. Though he wasn’t entirely developed, I think it would be fair to tell you that you did a brilliant job in planning and writing the character of Lee Wei.

EXO-M – I’m going to put them in one just because they didn’t get as much spotlight as Kris got (which is a pity, really, I think even the minor characters need more spaces too, moreover each of the EXO-M members were said to be the main leads as well). As the story went on, I don’t think I could actually relate to Xiumin, Chen, Luhan, or Lay. They just appeared like blurry images to me. The turning point of their characters was found after Tao was captured – when they insisted to bring the old Tao back. It was heartbreaking, really, though it wasn’t heartbreaking enough just because you put very little descriptions, but I think I could still imagine each of them acting like that toward Tao. It would be better if you could write more about these four men like how you did to Kris. There weren’t any outstanding personalities that could differ one from another. I could only conclude that these four members loved Tao and would do anything to protect the youngest, and that’s it.  

In the future, please try to dig more about your characters; each of them. Do not only state the obvious but also work more on their background and perspective. The most important thing is to reveal their emotions. Keep writing and I’m sure it will help you to improve.

Storyline (16/20)

The plot is surprisingly good! When I first saw the title I had expected to see some fluffs that revolve around Tao and the rest of EXO-M members, so it amazed me to know that the plot does not, at all, fit to my first impression. The only thing that puts me off is, of course, the grammars, but above them all I find myself fairly liking the story.

There weren’t that much of loose parts, mainly because you didn’t put a lot of descriptions and just kept the plot going. It’s a good thing to not to lose the grip of the plot (which you amazingly did), but the lack of descriptions caused the story to be less captivating. I think it would be just great if you could put more descriptions, especially on several scenes like when Tao was kidnapped and stuck with that creepy stalker for days, or when Kris broke into tears when he realized that he failed as a leader. Descriptions can also be used to give more dramatic effect, which is just what the story needs. Like I said in the previous rubric, you need to portray not only the actions but also the emotions of characters. That is basically why your story isn’t entirely perfect. To sum it up: you did a good job in keeping the plot on track, but you need to put more effort in describing and portraying the situations.

Originality (9/10)

Like I said, the plot is surprisingly good. I didn’t see that coming, really. Stories about hardcore fans and people with psychological illness might have been pretty common already (which is why I deducted one point – the story isn’t entirely fresh), but the overall plot is amazing. When your characters didn’t develop as much, I think you did a brilliant job in developing the plotline without making it cliché. Fairly original, I must say. Good job!

Plot total (25/30)

The English (3/15)

I understand that English is not your first language and I do really have to praise you for having the confidence and will to write in a language that you are not completely fluent at. I am sure that other reviewers who had worked on your story must have spotted some grammatical mistakes for you. I’m going to correct some mistakes from chapter two and four. I’ll explain everything afterwards.

Chapter 2

After, Luhan told to them about message he read at Tao's weibo just now. Kris snorted annoyance while the others fall in deep silence. Tao's stalker now like give warning for other members to not touch his lovely 'Didi-er'.

Correction: Afterwards, Luhan told them about the message that he read in Tao's Weibo just now. Kris snorted in annoyance, while the others fell into a deep silence. Tao's stalker was warning the other members to not to touch his lovely Didi-er.

"Damn it! How far he wants going on?! Now, he threating us?!" snapped Kris angry.

Correction: "Damn it! How far does he want to go on? Is he threating us now?!" snapped Kris angrily.

"Calm down.. Manager-ge just now ordered all bodyguard to tighten security and be more caution with surroundings.." interrupt Luhan.

Correction: "Calm down ... Manager-ge just ordered all bodyguards to tighten the security and be more caution with the surroundings," interrupted Luhan.

Acting anger cannot solve problem. Kris just sighed, he know Luhan don't want he acting out of control. After get a message from Tao's weibo, they all get another letter from that stalker. In that letter just have one picture of Xiumin, but what most shocking them and also Chen who first opened a letter. The picture are be doodled with crossing thing in red ink at Xiumin's neck and other part of Xiumin's body. The red ink, must means a warning for Xiumin. Situation just getting worse when Tao also see that picture, and after that the maknae be pulled out by Lay for calming him down.

Correction: Being angry wouldn't solve the problem. Kris just sighed, he knew Luhan didn't want him to act out of control. After receiving the message that was sent to Tao's Weibo, they all got another letter from that stalker. There was only one picture of Xiumin in that letter, but what shocked them the most - especially Chen who was the first to open the letter - was the doodles of crosses found on Xiumin's neck and other parts of his body. The red ink that was used must have indicated a warning for Xiumin. The situation just got worse when Tao saw that picture. Lay pulled the maknae away to calm him down.
 

"Kris, yesterday.. Before go to sleep, I try to look out from windows if see something.. And, actually.. I did. I saw someone is stalking our room.. I know, that someone must be who stalking Tao. But, I can't see his face clearly.."

Correction: "Kris, yesterday ... before I go to sleep, I tried to look out from the windows. And ... actually, I saw someone was stalking our room. I know that he must be the one who's stalking Tao. But I couldn't see his face clearly."

"Why hyung didn't tell Manager-hyung about that then?" asking Chen. Xiumin sighed.

Correction: "Why didn't you tell manager hyung about this, then?" asked Chen. Xiumin sighed.

" I don't want give trouble to Manager-hyung. He look so tired and don't get enough sleep lately. Because of that, I asked Tao to sleeping beside me.. Im afraid if something happen to him, at least Tao by my side.. so I can avoid bad thing happen. But I don't know it just make situation become worse.. Im sorry, Kris." said Xiumin lower his head, he feel guilty for what happen. Kris just tapped his hyung shoulder.

Correction: "I didn't want to give trouble to manager hyung. He looked so tired and didn't get enough sleep lately. Because of that, I asked Tao to sleep beside me. I was afraid. If something happened to him, at least I was by his side, so I could avoid bad things from happening. But I didn't know it would just make the situation worse. I'm sorry, Kris," said Xiumin as he lowered his head. He felt guilty for what had happened. Kris just tapped his hyung's shoulder.
 

"Its not your fault, hyung. You do the best for Tao. Its a fault that ing men.."

Correction: "It's not your fault, hyung. You did the best for Tao. It's the fault of that ing man."

 

Chapter 4

Now, its been 2 days Tao's missing. After Exo-M been full interrogated about Tao's stalker who now suspect in this case. Police still cannot trail the suspect well, without no details information about him and no one even seen his clearly face, make this investigation become hard as well. Luhan try give Iphone's Tao, for tracking the number 'Gege' make a calls few days ago, but the connection is failed. The line is unavailable. His message from Weibo's Tao also cannot helping anything because the details profile in there is a fake. 

Correction: It had been 2 days since Tao was missing. EXO-M had been fully interrogated about Tao's stalker who was now the suspect of this case. Police still couldn't trail the suspect without any detailed information about him and no one had seen his face clearly, thus this investigation became difficult as well. Luhan tried to give Tao's iPhone to track the Gege's number who made calls a few days ago, but the connection failed. The line was unavailable. His messages that were sent to Tao's Weibo couldn't help anything as well, because the profile details were fakes.

While, Exo-K get order from Kim Jungmin to continue their next schedule, the reason just one. That CEO's don't want getting suspicious from media about suddenly Exo's absence. 

Correction: Meanwhile, EXO-K was ordered by Kim Jungmin to continue their next schedule with one reason. The CEO didn't want the media to be suspicious about EXO's sudden absence.

 

"They all not love Didi-er right? They all love teasing Didi-er so much right?"

Correction: "They do not love Didi-er, right? They like to tease Didi-er so much, right?"

"They all scolding Didi-er right? Because..Didi-er not talking much in the show.."

Correction: "They all scold Didi-er, right? Because Didi-er doesn't talk much in shows."

'No..Gege not even scolding me..'

Correction: No ... Gege doesn't even scold me.

"They all not helping Didi-er when Didi-er hurt before this..right?"

Correction: "They didn't help Didi-er when Didi-er got hurt before, right?"

'No.. Xiumin-ge help me..'

Correction: No ... Xiumin-ge helped me.
 

"They all forget to celebrate your birthday right, Didi-er?"

Correction: "They all forgot to celebrate your birthday, right, Didi-er?"

'But.. Gege still celebrate it even late... Gege still remember..'

Correction: But ... Gege still celebrated it even though it was late. Gege still remember.

"They all not comfort Didi-er when Didi-er feel down or sad.."

Correction: "They don't comfort Didi-er when Didi-er is feeling down or sad."

'No.. Kris-ge always comfort me..'

Correction: No ... Kris-ge always comforts me.'

"They all don't know sometimes Didi-er.. don't like being teasing like that always do..right?"

Correction: "They don't know that sometimes, Didi-er doesn't like to be teased like that, right?"

'But.. I love Gege.. Gege always helping me..'

Correction:  But ... I love Gege. Gege always help me.

"Gege always love Didi-er.."

Correction: “Gege always love Didi-er."

'No.. I don't want hear it..’

Correction: No … I don’t want to hear it.

"Gege will sad, if Didi-er sad too.."

Correction: “Gege will be sad if Didi-er is sad, too.”

'Why you doing to me like this?'

Correction: Why are you doing this to me?

"Didi-er.. Dont cry anymore.. Gege always with Didi-er.."
Correction: “Didi-er … Don’t cry anymore. Gege will always be with Didi-er.”

"Gege will always by your side Didi-er.. Gege cannot live without Didi-er.."
Correction: “Gege will always be by your side, Didi-er. Gege cannot live without Didi-er.”

 

"Didi-er love Gege right?"

Correction: “Didi-er loves Gege, right?”

'I want go home..'
Correction: I want to go home.

Blank. Dim light, just a dimp light above Tao's head still open. It already 2 days, Tao unconscious because of the dehydration. His eyes now puffy because crying a lot, and his tears is dried, also the blood at his both wrist. Just a red deep wound is visible. This is fifth days Tao be locked in that room. In 3 days ago, Tao always crying, begging, asking non-stop from his 'Gege' to let him out. But his 'Gege' will hushing him with sweet and lovely word to his 'Didi-er'.

Correction: Blank. Dimmed light, only a dimmed light above Tao's head was still on. It had been 2 days since Tao fell unconscious due to dehydration. His eyes were now puffy because he cried a lot, and his tears were dry. There were bloods on both of his wrists. A red, deep wound was visible. This was the fifth day since Tao was locked in that room. 3 days ago, Tao was always crying, begging, and asking his 'Gege' to let him out. But his 'Gege' would only hush him with sweet and lovely words.

 

I'll discuss a few things about the revisions that I've made. I'm just going to tell you the basics and I hope you can learn something from this. Though my explanation won't contribute anything much, I do hope you can put more effort to understand everything that I'm going to say.

First of all, there's no such punctuation like ".......", but we have a thing called ellipsis. Ellipsis is often used to indicate omission or hesitation in a sentence, and can be simply formed by putting three periods (...) each with a space on both sides. As you can see, it is not correct to write: 'No..Gege not even scolding me..'. You have to write it with an ellipsis as seen below:

'No ... Gege doesn't even scold me.'

You put an ellipsis to indicate hesitation or to make it sound like it was trailing, but you should end it with a period (it goes for the other dialogues as well). Note that I revised the grammatical errors, too.

Also, when you write a dialogue and there's a phrase following it, make sure that the dialogue ends with a comma (,) and the first alphabet of the phrase isn't capitalized. For example:

"Calm down.. Manager-ge just now ordered all bodyguard to tighten security and be more caution with surroundings.." interrupt Luhan.

Correction (excluding grammatical error): "Calm down.. Manager-ge just now ordered all bodyguard to tighten security and be more caution with surroundings," interrupt Luhan.
 

Those are the few basic knowledge about punctuation, which I'm sure you'll be able to understand in a short time since it's not that complicated after all. The next thing that I want to discuss about is in regard of verb tense.

So there's this thing called verb tense, which, in a story, should be written consistently all the way throughout. I can clearly see that your tense is going back and forth from present to past. Please keep in mind that once you used past tense, you should use it for the whole story. You can read the revisions to understand what I'm saying. Quick examples: can, in past tense, should be written as could. Will is to be written as would. Regular verbs like ask, look, happen should be followed with –ed, resulting in asked, looked, happened. Irregular ones, such as give, run, say should be written as gave, ran, said.

I'm not going to talk about this anymore because my mere explanations won't instantly guide you to perfection, but keep in mind that you need to explore more about English. You're a good writer and I believe you have many potentials, so improving your English would be the right choice to take. I know I'm not explaining this clearly so if you have any questions, feel free to leave it in the comment.

Flow (3/5)

The story was running at the right pace, though the plot development wasn’t completely shown due to the lack of descriptions. Putting descriptions of events and emotions will affect your flow in a good way, so in the future, please try to describe more. Overall, I think the pace was kept steady and you didn’t miss a lot of important parts. You wrote just the right amount of events but then again, they weren’t significant due to the fact that you didn’t describe them as much.

Overall Enjoyment (3/5)

You might have noticed why I didn’t enjoy your story that much. Yes, grammars. I’m not a Grammar Nazi and English is not even my first language, but I’m a very picky reader and the grammatical mistakes really put me off. However, the plot is really unique and interesting so I do have to admit that I did enjoy it. Putting the flaws aside, I think it’s a very touchy and heartbreaking story. Still, take note on everything that I’ve said and put more efforts to improve in order to write an entirely gripping story.

Writing Style (6/10)

You used a lot of Korean and Chinese terms. Even though they were just the basics, I’m sure not everyone in this site has a full understanding about those foreign languages. I recommend you to avoid using those terms, or you can just put brief definitions about words like Didi, Gege, hyung, aish, etc. in the end of the chapters. Also, ‘Gege’ is a Chinese word, isn’t it? I don’t have any understanding about Chinese but is it correct to put ‘s’ in order to mark it plural? Moreover, the Chinese Romanization that you wrote for the song was somehow annoying. I think it would be better to discard that and just put the English lyrics.

I’m going to say this over and over again, but please underline that you will have to describe more. You will need to have more description of events, description of characters, description of emotions. Describe. By describing, you will be able to develop the plot, characters and the flow. Spend more time to think about the situations, surrounding air and tension in a happening event. Dig more of the depth of characters in order to convey their personalities. This isn’t an easy thing to do, so take your time to understand and just write. I’m serious. Just keep on writing. It’ll help you to make any sort of improvement.

Total (67/110)

First of all I apologize if I sounded too harsh or if I was being too strict. You’re a good writer and, stating this again, you have a lot of potentials so please don’t get offended. Don’t think too much about the score, too. I’m just going to sum a few things that you should keep in mind: improve your grammar, convey your characters’ emotions, and describe more. Thank you for requesting and I hope I’ve somehow helped! Don’t forget to leave a comment and credit us in your foreword!

 

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