infatuation

che0nji

reviewed at ‵ℰxoxo ↻ Graphics // Story Review Shop (ღ )

Title (5/5)

The title of your story is simply beautiful. That one word actually holds a lot of questions: what is this story about? A temporary love of two adolescents? A love story that doesn’t manage to last forever? Or is it the other way around? I think, solely putting ‘INFATUATION’ as the title is a good idea. The fact that you have words standing for each alphabet makes it even more intriguing, beautiful, and meaningful. I’d like to know what the other alphabets stand for, and also what relations do they have with the chapters. I can still relate Ignite and Numb to the first and second chapters – though, it’s not significantly shown, if we can widen our imagination, the bridge eventually gets clearer. Just make sure the other words standing for each alphabet relate well to the chapters they’re representing :-)

Description/Foreword (10/10)

You merely put a short excerpt from the story in your description – just the way I like it. The excerpt that you decided to use is pretty much perfect. It doesn’t reveal the whole plot, it brings the readers into another pool of wonders: what makes the words unforgettable to Youngjae? What kind of ‘something’ starts to happen in his life? Is it the start of a blossoming love story? Or is it the start of a cruel, fading memory? I actually wondered, after reading the excerpt, if the story will end with a happy or sad ending. You manage to get my interest, and as a reader, I’d like to press the ‘next’ button to scroll myself onto the first chapter. As for the foreword, you merely put credits, and I don’t have any problem with that. Well done!

Appearance (10/10)

I’m one of those people who like simplicity the most, and the appearance of your story just ticked the right box for me. The poster; the color, the pictures – it’s simply beautiful and matches well with the tone of our story. The simple and compact font types and colors. I don’t have anything against it.

Characterizations (15/20)

I do believe that characters play very important and essential roles in a story. I cannot say that your characters are well-developed, but I understand that you’ve merely wrote two chapters, therefore, the development of the characters are not established yet. Sure, they’re realistic. But realistic and believable characters aren’t enough, especially in a chaptered story. I’d like to see how you’ll manage to build your characters in the upcoming chapters. Now, let us first talk about them.

What I can see from Youngjae is that – he’s that kind of typical, young music teacher who likes to spend his weekend in the café – having quality time all by himself, without the companion of any acquaintance – at least, until Himchan approached him that one certain day. If you want me to tell you more about how I see Youngjae, I will have to say: I don’t know. Aside from the obvious, I can’t tell what kind of person Youngjae is. You put an excellent description about his physical appearances, but there wasn’t enough description about his perspectives and way of thinking, hence, I am not able to relate to him that much.

Same goes for Himchan. He has the face – that kind of person who captivates others’ interest just at the first sight. He’s interested in Youngjae, and he’s brave enough – by means, he has the confidence – to approach the other male. In their relationship, I can see that Himchan is the one taking control. Youngjae, here, is the feminine – he waits, he doesn’t make the move. And Himchan is the one who decides whether or not the relationship will go on. But then again, aside from the obvious, I don’t know him.

You also mentioned another character, although minor: Kim Hyeri. Although her appearance might have been a mere way to show how Himchan’s interest toward Youngjae started to grow, I think it’d be better if she has more space in the chapter. Who is she exactly? Youngjae’s old friend? An acquaintance he met somewhere? If she’s going to appear in the next chapters, you will need to describe her more. If you’re not planning to give her more scenes, then add more description about her. Just a short, background story about Hyeri’s relationship with Youngjae. I believe it will affect the flow in a good way.

In the next chapters, my only suggestion is that you need to deepen your characters more. Let us know what kind of person Youngjae and Himchan are, and don’t only state the obvious. Let us know them to their deepest core. Their background stories, their perspectives about life and the surroundings. I know the story is mainly focusing on the romance, but I think it’d be more perfect if you can draw the sketches of your characters even more. You have a long way to go before the story ends, so I do believe you’ll be able to build them even more.

Storyline (16/20)

The story is revolving around these two juxtaposing characters; Youngjae and Himchan. I can’t tell much about the plot since you’ve only posted the first two chapters. However, I find myself wanting to know what kind of conflict will ascend. Since this kind of love story is pretty common already, I’d like to know what kind of ideas you will use to surprise us. I’m anticipating a lot of plot twists – if you manage or is planning to do so, then the story will be just perfect. I’m not able to score this accordingly, because up until now I can’t see where the story is exactly going, and I’m deducting some points because (so far) the story is just that typical romance of two strangers falling in love, Again, I’m anticipating twists and unexpected ending – by using those, I’m sure your story will stand out and be different from the others with similar plot line.

Originality (5/10)

Like I’ve said before, this kind of love story is quite common already. If I were to score just by reading the first two chapters, I will have to say that it’s pretty cliché. Typical romance story of two strangers that met in that one certain place and butterflies start to fly then love eventually grows. However, you haven’t even reached the conflict, so I can’t judge. I’m anticipating what kind of events the two characters will have to face.

Plot total (21/30)

The English (12/15)

There are some mistakes and I’ll break it down for you by putting examples from the first chapter.

Inconsistent verb tense:     

Since you’re using past tense, the whole story should also be written in past tense. You have the tendency to use present tense for several verbs; I’ve spotted some mistakes and correct them for you. 

“-but they seemed soft when he sinks his teeth into them, almost like a pillow.”

Correction: “-but they seemed soft when he sank his teeth into them, almost like a pillow.”

“Inhaling sharply, Youngjae shifts his gaze.”

Correction: “Inhaling sharply, Youngjae shifted his gaze.”

“Casually, he picks up the smoothie in his hands.”

Correction: “Casually, he picked up the smoothie in his hands.”

“Youngjae chews on his straw, a bad habit of his so he makes sure to bring two straws whenever he’s drinking out of one.”

Correction:  “Youngjae chews chewed his straw, a bad habit of his so he always made sure to bring two straws whenever he’s drinking out of one.”

Ø  Preposition ‘on’ isn’t necessary after the verb ‘chew’ – and the verb is supposed to be written in past tense, so does the verb ‘make’.

“…, he throws the old straw away.”

Correction:  “…, he threw the old straw away.”

“Breath hitched, Youngjae’s cheeks flushes into carmine at the sight of him.”

Correction:  “Breath hitched, Youngjae’s cheeks flushed into carmine at the sight of him.”

These aren’t the only mistakes that I found (in term of inconsistent verb tense), so I suggest you to proofread and revise your chapters.

Double negatives:

“It was the moment he wasn’t hoping not to happen.”

Correction: “It was the moment he wasn’t hoping to happen.”

Ø  The sentence is confusing because of the double negatives that you used. If you mean to tell that Youngjae didn’t hope the moment to happen, then it should be written as stated in the correction.

Placing of prepositions

“…, he came up to Youngjae’s table, …”

Correction: “…, he came to Youngjae’s table, …”

“…, which explained the stacks of papers that he brought in from time to time.”

Correction: “…, which explained the stacks of papers that he brought from time to time.”

“Her eyes turn to glance over at Himchan before looking back at Youngjae.”

Correction: “Her eyes turned to glance at Himchan before looking back at Youngjae.”

Punctuations

There are some rules that you have to note in term of punctuation. If you want to start a dialogue, make sure to embed it in a new line/different paragraph. Moreover, if the dialogue is to be followed with a phrase, the dialogue should be ended with a comma (,) and the phrase following it isn’t capitalized, unless the dialogue ends with exclamation (!) or question (?) marks.

“Himchan watched her movements. She bounced on the balls of her feet as her auburn straight, waist length hair flowing softly when the air conditioner blew on her. “Youngjae? Yoo Youngjae, what are you doing here?””

Correction:

“Himchan watched her movements. She bounced on the balls of her feet as her auburn straight, waist length hair flowing softly when the air conditioner blew on her.

“Youngjae? Yoo Youngjae, what are you doing here?””

 

“I’m just grading some papers.” He chuckles softly, fingers running through his hair.

Correction:

“I’m just grading some papers,” he chuckled softly, fingers running through his hair.                      

Choosing of words:

“They weren’t mysteries, they weren’t soft…”

Correction: “They weren’t mysterious, they weren’t soft…”

Ø  ‘mysteries’ is the plural tense of ‘mystery’, which is a noun. In your sentence, you’re supposed to use the adjective, which is ‘mysterious’.

 

Aside from these basic grammatical mistakes, your English is almost perfect. Try to re-read your chapters and take notes on what I’ve mentioned to spot similar flaws.

Flow (4/5)

You started the story by letting us know that Youngjae and Himchan have this spark of interest toward each other, despite the fact that they were initially strangers - and in the second chapter, they were already close friends. Now that we look at it, it’s quite fast, isn’t it? The flow, I mean. However, with the style of your writing, you manage to convince us that their relationship grows ever so slowly, and I’m giving you thumbs up for that. Though, I think it’d be better to start the story with more backgrounds of both Youngjae and Himchan - not only that it will affect the flow, it will also affect the characterization in a good way. However, I understand that it depends on the length of the story. If you’re planning to make this into a short, chaptered story, then the way you’ve started it is just perfect. Overall, keep going with this pace and make sure to not to run in a rush!

Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

I enjoyed the story, I really did. In fact, I will give you full score if you can revise those basic grammatical mistakes and if the story isn’t . I am not a reader, not at all. But when I saw your request and peeked at your description, I was like, heck, I’m going to give this story a try. And I don’t regret my decision. It’s simply beautiful. I can’t wait to know what will happen next and how the story will end. Good job!

Writing Style (8/10)

Simple – that’s what I can say about your writing style. And like I said, I love simplicity the most. Your writing style isn’t at all confusing, and at the same time, you manage to describe the scenes with the right amount of adjectives and nouns. You also have a good vocabulary skill, although I’m sure you’ll be able to widen the range even more. You don’t really use dialogues in your writings, though, and I do think dialogues play an important role. It’d be better if you can put more dialogues so the story will become more alive and real. But overall, you have a very captivating writing style – it draws me completely to the story.

Total (89/110)

I’m sorry if I sounded too harsh! For the next chapters, try to work more on the characterizations and also put more attention on the grammars. Don’t forget to surprise the readers with some plot twists :) Your story is really beautifully-written and I’d like to see how it will end. I hope my review helps, somehow :) Good luck!

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