the jerk that i loved

helloim_fz

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Title (2/5)

The good point of your title is that it relates well to the plot of the story. However, it’s too common and cliché. Title is actually very important because it’s the first thing that readers see and whether or not we’re interested to read – it depends: is the title captivating? Your title didn’t attract me by bit (you might want to note that I’m a very picky reader, so). Moreover, the capitalization of the word ‘JERK’ is not necessary at all, so you can simply put it as ‘The Jerk that I Loved’. I don’t think the emphasis of the word ‘jerk’ is needed because without capitalizing it, the word itself already holds a lot of interpretations and questions. But still, points for relating it to the plot :]

Description/Foreword (6/10)

The short paragraph that you put in your description is actually quite efficient. It doesn’t reveal the whole plot since you merely put rhetorical questions, so the readers are left wondering whether the characters will end up marrying or divorcing. The grammatical mistakes put me off by much, though. I’ll talk about it in The English rubric. Now, although the description doesn’t seem to reveal the plot, this kind of story is very common already and it’s quite predictable that the two characters will end up loving each other. That’s pretty much what you said in your description. The foreword is okay since you merely put author’s note and credits so I won’t discuss about it.

Appearance (8/10)

The font you used is very simple, compact, and isn’t distracting – simplicity is always a plus point. However, there are some formats in the chapters that distracted me. For example, you bold some sentences to emphasize them (it’s the sentence that you put as preview). I don’t think you should bold them, moreover when it’s a direct quote. That sort of emphasis isn’t needed because it distracted the readers. I can’t say much about the poster since it’s a work of other’s but it’s really colorful and cute, matching well with the plot and tone of your writing.

Characterizations (5/20)

Characters always play essential roles in a story. As the story goes on, they need to develop and at the same time, be consistent. I don’t see the consistency of your characters and they don’t seem to develop at all. They’re believable – typical high school students, but they’re too far from being real.

Taehyung was said to dislike Minhae and that he always liked to . However, there was a scene where Taehyung actually asked about Minhae’s weird behavior and the next thing I knew, he was acting all cold toward her again. I understand that you want to give that sparks of their relationship development, but it merely shows how inconsistent your characters were.

In the beginning of the chapters, Minhae seemed like she’s interested to Taehyung – the fact that she was nervous around him supported the statement. However, when she moved in to his house, that nervousness didn’t appear. Again, I know you’re trying to hint us about their feelings toward each other, but it would be better to build the characters as consistent as possible during the beginning. As the conflict arises, you may start to change the characters’ behavior and way of thinking, so they can develop.

You also mentioned some minor characters. Yoona was fine – you showed her traits and the background of her relationship with Minhae. You also mentioned Luhan and Jongkuk, but I couldn’t really draw them in my head. I know Luhan was Minhae’s foster brother and Jongkuk was her little one – but the backgrounds of their relationships weren’t disclosed. You might want to put more details about them in the next chapters. Also, show the background of Taehyung’s relationship with Jongkuk – why were they friends albeit they’re from different grades? Not to mention that Jongkuk’s sister was Taehyung’s (in this case) biggest enemy, etcetera.

Despite so, the characters of your story were very bright and not complicated. I think you’ll be fine if you can work more on their consistency and development.

Storyline (7/20)

The plot was not interesting – I have to tell you that this kind of plot is very, very common already. Arranged marriage of high school students and so on. If you stick to this plain plot, your story will not be different from the others. Think of something peculiar and use it as a plot twist – something unpredictable, something unexpected. If you manage to do so, whether it is in the middle of the chapters or in the ending of the story, then you’ll be able to captivate more readers.

Originality (3/10)

One word: cliché. It’s one out of hundreds arranged-marriage-fanfictions that I can find in this site. To write something different is always a plus point, and I believe a story needs to be complex and have that sort of unexpected conflicts. So, like I’ve said before, try to think of a plot twist that can differentiate your story from the others.

Plot total (10/30)

The English (5/15)

First of all, I know English isn’t your first language and I really appreciate your courage to write in a language that you’re not completely fluent at. However, I do still have to spot some grammatical mistakes for you. They’re very similar to each other so I’ll just correct a few from the description and chapter 1.

“What if suddenly the school’s most popular enemies were forced to get married ? What will happen ? Did their relationship suceed? Or did they end up divorcing ?”

Correction: “What if suddenly two enemies were forced to get married? What would happen? Would their relationship succeed? Or would they end up divorcing?”

Ø  The first sentence doesn’t make sense – you can just simplify it as stated

Ø  ‘Did’ isn’t the right word, it doesn’t make sense at all. You should replace it with ‘will’, but since you’re using past tense, the correct verb is ‘would’.

Ø  ‘Succeed’ is not incorrect, but it sounded awkward – however, I get the point, so I think it’s fine. You misspelled it, though.

Ø  You don’t need to give a space before putting question (?), exclamation (!) or period (.)

 

“There was a silent during the way to school because I can’t stop thinking about the dream. Yoona breaking the silence as she asked me “So, Minnie-ah. What actually happened on your dream ?”

Correction: “There was a period of silence when we walked to school because I couldn’t stop thinking about the dream. Yoona broke the silence as she asked me, “So, Minnie-ah. What actually happened in your dream?”

Ø  ‘silent’ is an adjective, you should’ve used noun in your sentence, which is ‘silence’

Ø  ‘can’t’ is present tense. The past tense is ‘couldn’t’

Ø  Missing comma before dialogue (will talk about this further)

“I opened my eyes just to found out that I am at a spacious green field with some flowers.”

Correction: “I opened my eyes just to find out that I was standing on a spacious green field with some flowers.”

Ø  Although you’re using past tense, the verb after preposition ‘to’ is to be written in present tense (because it is intended to/have not happened)

Ø  Wrong preposition used. ‘at’ should’ve been replaced with ‘on’

Ø  I added the word ‘standing’ to emphasize and to describe. You can replace it with ‘sitting’ or ‘lying’, though. I think it’s more efficient because the original sentence doesn’t make sense in the first glance.

Now, in regard of punctuation; you’re using a lot of dialogues, like, a lot. I want you to take note that there are also rules in regard of putting direct quotes in a story.

1.    If a dialogue is to be followed with a phrase or sentence, the first alphabet of the phrase following it isn’t capitalized - unless the dialogue ends with exclamation (!) or question (?) mark.

Example:  “You already awake, Minnie-ah?” suddenly a male voice…

Correction: “You’re already awake, Minnie-ah?” Suddenly, a male voice…

Correct example (not taken from your story): “You’re awake,” the male said.

2.    Sentence before the dialogue should be followed with coma (,) and the first alphabet of the quote should be capitalized.

Example: I turned around facing the guy. “T-taehyung? What did we do here ?” I asked completely…

Correction: I turned around facing the guy, “T-taehyung? What did we do here?” I asked, completely…

I hope it doesn’t sound too complicated. If you have anything to ask, don’t hesitate to drop a comment and I’ll try to expand it more :)

Flow (3/5)

The pace of the flow was too fast, it almost seemed like you’re rushing too much. I understand that you want to give readers some hints about the two characters’ feelings that seemed to dislike each other but gave that sparks of interest. However, some scenes came too early when it’s actually better to put them somewhere in the middle of the story. The lack of description and too many dialogues also affect the flow, so you might want to write more descriptive paragraphs instead of expressing it through dialogues. For the next chapters, try to slow down the pace to make your story more gripping.

Overall Enjoyment (2/5)

The genre isn’t suitable for me, so is the writing style. I didn’t find myself enjoying the story, but you might want to note that I’m a very picky reader. Still, try to work more on your characterization and put some twists in your story. Slow down your pace and improve your grammatical skills, then you’ll be fine. Keep on writing! :]

Writing Style (4/10)

You have the tendency to write a lot of dialogues without considering the importance of descriptive paragraph. It affects the flow and characterizations of your story, hence, it’d better to lessen the dialogues and describe more instead. As for the POV – it’s okay to change point of views from one character to another, however, I don’t think the idea of putting author’s POV in between is necessary. If you want to use author’s POV, use it for the whole. The changes of POV that you used merely result in confusion and lack of tension.

Total (45/110)

I’m sorry for sounding too harsh, I hope it doesn’t discourage you! It’s your first time writing a fanfiction, so it’s okay to be lacking in some aspects – besides, we learn from mistakes, don’t we? I hope this review helps! Keep on writing and don’t mind the score, you’re a good writer after all. Good luck! :]

 

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