022: Not So Far Apart on the Color Spectrum

vonpika

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop (ღ )

Title

When I first saw your request, I must admit that I was expecting a good read by judging only from the title. It’s not something you often encounter, moreover it made me curious as to what the story’s going to be about. Unfortunately, you didn’t seem to connect your title with the overall plotline.

I can see the connection between Not So Far Apart on the Color Spectrum with your chapter title ‘from an invidious shade of green to a hazy shade of red.’ I mean, the relation is obvious. However, I can’t seem to draw the line that connects it with the plot. A title needs to be captivating – yes, you did a great job on this aspect – but it also needs to be fairly related to the story. Assuming that you’ve put the connection in between the lines, I tried to connect it in some ways but didn’t manage to find anything. It is a very good title, but it needs an alteration in order to be related to the plot. This is an important aspect, so make sure to keep an eye on it for your future projects.

Foreword/Description

You do have a knock on writing a description. Similar to Drip, Drip, Drop, you managed to enhance my curiosity and interest by writing merely a single line. Who was always better than who? Who hated him for that? Who’s ‘I’? The excerpt in your foreword also supports the description in a good way. I was wondering who ‘I’ is; what sort of problem he/she had with Kai that he/she faded when Kai raised his confidence. However, you included a warning afterward, saying that there would be violence, character death and suicide, which brought me instantly to a conclusion that the ‘I’, here, is Kai’s inner self. That is, in another word, Kim Jongin.

I’m not saying that the warnings aren’t supposed to be included (although if I were you I would just write ‘violence’ because honey, you don’t want to spoil anything), but the fact that you warned us about suicide made it easy for me to draw the overall plot. I knew by then that the ascending conflict would revolve around Kai and someone inside him, so the ending was not something that would make my jaw drop in surprise. It is brilliant to have a short yet resembling description and foreword, but if it gives away too much, it’ll turn some readers off.

Appearance

Don’t you want to request a poster somewhere? The story is very beautiful and the appearance is very simple (nice choosing of font you got there) so it’d be great if you can include a poster or some sort. This is not mandatory though (you know what – don’t even mind it). The appearance doesn’t bother me at all so good job!

Plot

If we’re here to talk about the originality of your story, I will have to say that it isn’t entirely fresh. There are a lot of stories that feature one main character who fights with their inner selves (and Kai/Jongin is the most common one after Krystal/Soojung). The plot, like you said, is pretty much predictable, but making a cliché plot interesting is not an impossible thing to do.

I personally like how you ended the story by telling it from Krystal’s point of view (though you should pay more attention to the transitions). It gives a certain effect that make the story even more pleasurable to read. Another thing that I like from the story is how you described the way Jongin killed himself. Instead of writing it as if Jongin hurt his own body, you described it by telling that he hurt Kai, and that is all you need to make the plot stands with stability. Since the very beginning, Jongin and Kai – in some ways - are told as two different persons. The way you wrote how Jongin stabbed Kai resembles the barriers that separate them. It’s a brilliant idea. In addition, props to you for having Kai begging Jongin to stop. I don’t know if it was intentional, but to me it means that Kai is not a mere façade after all; that Kai is another part of Jongin who’s alive but stands on a different stage. It somewhat represents a mental disorder of a person having two different personalities or something. The fact that Jongin stabbed himself but there was Kai who told him to stop is a way to portray ‘their’ selfishness and ego and denials and self-restraints.

Although I think it would have been better if you end it differently, the plot is still very intriguing and the style of your writing just keeps me reading all the way through. Well done!

Grammar

It’s too bad to know that there are a lot of grammatical mistakes found on this story, knowing that your grammar on Drip, Drip, Drop was near to flawless, but it’s okay because we make mistakes and we learn from it so please don’t be discouraged! I’ll expand some corrections for you; if you happen to have different opinions, feel free to have your say (because English is not my first language so it is possible if I’m the one who’s wrong).

Consistency of Verb Tense

First of all, decide the tense that you want to use. If you’re using past tense, the whole story is supposed to be written in past tense, so is if you choose to write in present tense. I’m going to assume that you pick past tense, hence these corrections:

I hate him. The very thought of his existence drives me over the edge. He seemed to make up for everything I lacked and I can never forget it.

Correction: I hated him. The very thought of his existence drove me over the edge. He seemed to make up for everything I lacked and I couldnever forget it.

His face is plastered on television daily.

Correction: His face was plastered on the television daily.

Once again, he strikes harshly with that brilliant smile of his, letting the venom burn everything in its wake.

Correction: Once again, he struck harshly with that brilliant smile of his, letting the venom burn everything in its wake.

I don’t know what came through their minds, […]

Correction: I didn’t know what came through their minds, […]

Incorrect Spelling

[…], but SM though it was a brilliant idea to sell Kai’s tan skin off as appeal.

Correction: […], but SM thought it was a brilliant idea to sell Kai’s tan skin off as appeal.

On a side note, is ‘monochromaticity’ an existing word? I haven’t heard of such noun and tried to look for it in a portable dictionary but found nothing. You might want to change it but please do not hesitate to correct me if I’m wrong.

Phrasing and Word Usage

I know you are clearly aware that you have a genuinely wide range of vocabularies, and these vocabs didn’t seem to bother me on its usage, by means you managed to word and place them properly. Some sentences didn’t make sense to me, though. Here’s one example:

I pulled out a real beauty. The handle felt smooth in my hands and it felt as though, I was meant to hold it all my life.

The sentence is fairly correct, but the first part of it bothers me a little. A real beauty? I understand that you attempted to write a figurative right there, but apparently, it doesn’t really fit. You need more words to support the sentence. Moreover, you should remove the comma after ‘though’. Just a punctuation problem.

His smug demeanor always encouraged by the chanting of those wretched fans of his.

Correction: His smug demeanor was always encouraged by the chanting of those wretched fans of his.

I remember the day that he was accepted in SM Entertainment.

Correction: I remembered the day when he was accepted in SM Entertainment.

Your English is excellent; the mistakes found are the common mistakes almost everyone do, so you don’t really have to worry about that. You only need to spare some time to proofread your story and revise it as best as you can. Keep up the good work!

Flow

One thing that I found lacking is the way you changed point of views from Jongin’s to Krystal’s at the very end. You could’ve written it in a clearer way, but as a reader (and not a reviewer) it didn’t really irk me, so next time I can only suggest you to be careful on this aspect. The rest of the transitions are pretty much flawless, and the pace itself is steady as you did not include any unrelated events in between.

Characterization

You do know that my scoring/judging for this rubric is always lowered when it comes to short stories, but like I’ve said before, it is still possible – even with such kind of chapter limit - to build realistic, believable and relatable characters. Let me first elaborate on my views about Jongin and Kai.

Jongin – Brilliant. Really, it’s perfect. I told you it’s not impossible to make an outstanding character in a mere oneshot, and you just proved me right. The way you portrayed Jongin is very impressive. I can see his hatred towards Kai; I can feel his emotions, his abhorrence. I understand him to the core, to the inside. All the reasons why he hated Kai was there, described flawlessly without any sort of holes. The fact that he loves Soojung is a bit cliché though (seriously you break all my feels by the time you said Jongin loves Soojung but the latter loves Kai because you could’ve wrote it in a peculiar way instead), but I must say it supports more of Jongin’s characterization. You have taken a full grasp on both Jongin’s inner feelings and personality, so once again, good job.

Kai – I’m giving you two thumbs up for differing Kai and Jongin in a way that the readers might think they are two different persons for real. Like I said, I really adore the way you described the ending, making it seem like Jongin’s killing Kai albeit in reality he’s killing himself. Kai, here, is another part of Jongin who deserves more in-depth description, which he didn’t receive for almost at all. What I’m trying to say here is that you did not manage to portray Kai’s character that well. I agree that Jongin is the one who needs the spotlight, but the question is, why not give some to Kai? Giving Kai a space to be developed will support the overall plotline - although it will of course affect your flow, making it longer in length and you will need to alter a few things in order to make it balance - but I won’t be bothered to read more from you. I mean, I love the style of your writing, so it’d be okay to make the story longer. I understand that you want to keep it short and symbolic and meaningful, and it really is a good thing, but as a reviewer, I do have to point this out. I want to know more of Kai, more of his personality, more of his inner thoughts when Jongin’s not there. Why he left Jongin out or why he forgot the latter the entire time; you could have included the answers to these questions in between the lines. Once again, I know that adding more of Kai will affect your flow, but if you can manage to make steady and proper changes in terms of characterization and pace, then why not?

I’m going to refrain myself from talking about Krystal because to me she seemed like a mere minor character who was there to support the ending. She did not hold any important role or some sort, so yeah. Props to you for writing in her point of view to tell that Jongin killed himself, I personally think that’s a very good idea.

Comments/Enjoyment

When I said I was expecting a very good read, I really was. In all honesty, you did not disappoint me. The wide ranges of vocabularies that you’re using make this work of yours even more beautiful and outstanding, so don’t ever lower the range. Some readers might think that the vocabs are overwhelming, but let’s just assume that those readers are not your targets. Just like you, I tend to write with a high range of vocabularies (although I depend mostly on thesaurus lol) and I’ve been told by a fellow reviewer that it’s fine to do that because there are a lot of people who actually understand and favor that sort of style, so once again, don’t let the range down.

Setting this aspect aside, the story – despite its flaws on the plot turns and twists – is really you. It represents your writing style and character; it resembles you as the writer so make sure to never lose the grip. Not So Far Apart on the Color Spectrum is very beautiful in many ways. You only need to give some things a few touches and you’ll be great by then. I remembered that I’ve told you you’ll do well in psychological stories and this oneshot managed to prove my statement. Also, never stop to try new things out!

Last but not least, I really am sorry for the long wait; I hope this review can make it up for you. School’s been keeping me busy and I couldn’t really spare a time to write this but I hope you don’t mind. Feel free to drop any feedback or question and don’t forget to credit the shop on your foreword. Have a nice day!