019: A conversation about love.
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Title
First impressions are always important. Whether or not your title attracts me, whether or not it seems appealing to me – you need to put those thoughts in your consideration before deciding a decent title for your work. Now, throw me questions. Does your title attract me? I’m sorry but I’d say no. Does your title seem appealing to me? Well, no. Does your title relate well to the plot? Yes, indeed, that’s what the thumbs up for. Does your title make me want to click on the story if I were to find it accidentally on the site? No, totally no. What impression does your title give? Uhm, let’s just say I thought of a very plain and cliché oneshot by judging only from the title. Is it grammatically and technically correct? Grammar-wise, yes. Technically, no. You should’ve capitalized your title properly: ‘A Conversation about Love’. Or if you really want to discard the formality of capitalization, set it as ‘a conversation about love.’ instead of capitalizing the A.
Title is a very important aspect because some people are judgmental and we do judge your title first and foremost. If your title doesn’t pull us in, don’t you find it pointless to read the entire story? You might want to keep in mind that some readers are picky and to picky readers (like I am), your title is not what we’re looking for. Try to make more outstanding and appealing titles for your future projects, but make sure you still connect them with the plot.
Foreword/Description
Again, first impression. Let’s assume that your title manages to pull me in and here I am now in your description. What happens here?
“A conversation about love between a man and woman in a coffee shop. “
Okay, big time. I totally thought of a cliché and empty story line when I reached that sentence. At the same time I was thrown off the window, too. Just like your title, it was not captivating. It did not grab me. It did not make me want to read further. It did not keep me going. I know it’s not easy to write a proper description (it could actually take me days to write one) but description is no less important than titles. Your description is the other selling point of your story. You need to convince your readers with that. You can write it poetically, you can include metaphors or you can make it as simple but with a more powerful appeal. I suggest you to read more romance fanfictions as references and try new things out. I’m quite sure you’ll be able to prove me wrong in the future.
As for the excerpt that you included in your description, well, I do think that it’s efficient to pick that particular conversation to describe your story (although it is too long) but technically, excerpts are to be put in the foreword. This is very technical and some might think that foreword is a space only for authors to leave a short note but many of us actually use foreword to support the description, in this case by putting excerpts on it. Don’t really mind it though.
Appearance
Here’s a confession: I’m a graduating high school student. Here’s another confession: I barely have time to finish the pending reviews I put on hold. And another: I had a few days off so I decided to work on yours, and since I stole time in between doing my assignments, I read your story from my phone. The only thing that I could see from my mobile is the text of your story, so God knows how your poster looks like. I don’t even know if you really have a poster, lol. I sincerely apologize for the lack of my professionalism, but I am going to judge the appearance only based on what I saw from mobile:
The fonts aren’t distracting (only the punctuation does) and the size itself is already suitable for your readers’ eyes. The simple formatting is what I favor the most so I really have nothing to rant about in here. Good job! (Once again I apologize for not judging this properly *bows*)
Plot
Here’s where the praises will flow to fill you. I personally love the idea of your story. I love the idea of building up a very simple plotline in order to deliver such big messages. There are a lot of things that you actually say in your story, and I must say that I am pretty much impressed by the way those things are delivered. You chose to create a simple, yet meaningful story to tell people what you think about love, and although it is not the best choice, the simplicity of this oneshot still impresses me.
However – as a reviewer I do have to state this - there is a sort of after effect that I experienced upon reading this oneshot. I had a single minute of thinking: “why did she choose to place such meaningful morals in such plain plot? Why didn’t she create a story with complicatedness and mind blowing twists, or perhaps a touching love story to prove what she wanted to prove about love itself?”
What I’m trying to say is that the overall idea of this piece could actually be widened so that the final outcome doesn’t seem so simple and less interesting. It could be written in a more thoughtful way. You could make a total masterpiece out of it. Stories about the true meaning of love are not rare, cliché even, but there are always some ways to turn cliché plots not cliché.
Well, that was the temporary after effect that I experienced. Let’s just put that aside for now. I totally discarded that off my judging. Firstly, I intended to be objective on your work and by putting that particular view, I can tell you that I like the story. Again, the simplicity. Some stories managed to throw me off the window due to the lack of complicatedness and yours would do the same, too, if you didn’t include such powerful messages within the lines.
I can, and would like to elaborate on my views about love (which in some cases similar to you but in some cases don’t – people call me cynical at times), but I am quite sure that you don’t want to waste anymore time reading my review - no, scratch that – my pointless arguments so I’m going to stop right here. I just want to say that I totally agree with you when it comes to the presence of love, how love surrounds us now and then, how such feelings could comfort one person and make them feel less lonely. I do believe that love exists although during those heartbreaks (separations, jealousy, distrustfulness) I have the tendency to hope, to pray, to believe that love is a mere delusion. I mean, maybe it’s just me who allows fear to eat me up, but if someone asks what scares me the most, I’d say: separation. I don’t want to separate from whom I shared my love with. I don’t want to be away from them and I don’t want them to be away from me. I might seem melancholic right now but that’s the truth, and it frightens me because love has such big impact on me. It frightens me because I believe in love and because love itself is beautiful, I keep getting myself hurt.
Anyway, you do know that sometimes the most important things are the hardest ones to say, and if I were you I don’t think I can write my particular thoughts on love, but you just did, so great job. Brilliant, even.
Okay. Enough with that. We’re done discussing about your story; the overall contents and the effects it got me, now let’s move on to the technical stuffs.
I’m sure you are aware that the point of this oneshot is the dialogues. Here’s what I want to tell you: if this is how you usually write – having your thoughts and messages ONLY on dialogues – you should try something bigger next time. If this is your first time merging things into dialogues, then you have some things to improve.
Firstly, dialogues are important. It makes the characters alive as it is in pulling your readers in; it creates an effect so that your readers understand and feel what your characters are thinking and feeling. However, it is risky to have such large numbers of dialogues because (a) it could lessen the tension of the entire story, (b) it could ruin the appearance in term of neatness and professionalism and (c) it bores people. Some readers get tired of lively dialogues. We want descriptions, we want your writings to make us think. We want a space to build our personal thoughts about the messages that you’re delivering. You did not give us that space. You left it all behind by endlessly stating your opinions through those dialogues. The scene where Jieun drew the stick men to explain her theory to Geunseuk is good, but it’s not strong enough to make me think that your dialogues aren’t too overwhelming. Moreover, your dialogues are completely messy. They are okay grammar-wise, but your punctuations are not on the right line so it really irks me. I’ll discuss about this on the Grammar section later.
To sum it up, the idea that you have is brilliant and impressing; I’m sure you have changed your readers’ perceptions on love and perhaps gave them a more understandable theory about it, but technically you need to give your writings a few touches so that your readers can enjoy reading while consuming the messages you’re delivering. Keep up the good work, though!
Grammar
When I told you that your punctuations are messy, I really mean it. They’re all over the place. There are some basic rules that you need to keep in mind in regard to punctuations and I’ll list it down for you.
1. When you end a dialogue with a tag verb following it (she said, he asked, she remarked), the dialogue is supposed to be ended with a comma (,) for example:
"They are you're parents." she remarked drawing the dress of the stickman on the right.
Correction: “They are your parents,” she remarked as she drew a dress for the stickman on the right.
Take note that I corrected the grammatical mistakes, too.
2. If you have a corresponding sentence before a dialogue, end it with a comma and the first alphabet of the speech is should be capitalized (this doesn’t apply if the sentence before the dialogue is not a support), for example:
He began "You know, don't bother I mean what's the use??" He sighed once again and slumping his face further down to the surface of the table.
Correction: He began, "You know, don't mind it. I mean, what's the use?" he sighed once again before slumpinghis face further down to the surface of the table.
Notes: Never double your question marks. Moreover, your verbs have to be consistent. You can use ‘he sighed once again and slumped his face…’ too if you want.
Here’s an example when your sentence does not support the dialogue following it:
She leaned towards him slightly tilting her head in wonder " Hey Friend", she asked.
Correction: She leaned toward him slightly and tilted her head in wonder. “Hey, friend,” she said.
Notes: your verb must be consistent. As far as I know, the past tense of ‘towards’ is ‘toward’, and since you decided to use ‘leaned’, the next verb, which is ‘tilt’, is supposed to be written in the same tense. Replace ‘asked’ with ‘said’ or ‘greeted’ because what she said was not at all a question.
Now that you know about dialogue punctuations, I want you to keep in mind that commas, too, are important. As for your grammatical skill, I must say that you are pretty much excellent. There weren’t a lot of mistakes that I found (maybe because I’m not that much of a grammar nazi) and if there were, they’re basically mistaken due to the lack of verb consistency and misspelling. I’ll correct some that I’ve spotted:
"Well I just wanted to know what other people think about love. I'm not currently on a relationship though. But I do certainly believe in love" she smiled.
Correction: "Well, I just wanted to know what other people think about love. I'm not currently in a relationship though. But I do certainly believe in love," she smiled.
"We learn to live as human beings and overcome our mistakes and difficulties." she remarked.
Correction: "We learn to live as human beings and overcome our mistakes and difficulties," she remarked.
"It's me that is surronded with nothing." he continued trying to come up with a longer answer "And that I am alone by myself in the center of the page."
Correction: "It's me who is surrounded with nothing,” he paused for a second, trying to come up with a longer answer. "And that I am alone by myself in the center of the page,” he finally said.
He was speechless, he wasn't surprised at what she was saying but it struck him what love truly means and that it actually exist. Love always existed. He finally realiased that those people who complained about being 'Forever alone' only saw one layer of love when as a matter of fact love exists in different levels.
Correction: He was speechless. He wasn’t surprised at what she was saying but it struck him what love trulymeant and that it actually existed. Love always existed. He finally realized that those people who complained about being ‘forever alone’ only saw one layer of love when – as a matter of fact – love existed in different levels.
He looked at his watch again and realiased the time. His eyes widen and quickly got up from his sit "Look at the time!" he swang his sidebag on his shoulder "I have to get home soon my mom told me to come home early."
Correction: He looked at his watch again and noticed the time. His eyes widened and he quickly got up from his sit. "Look at the time!" he swung his bag on his shoulder."I have to get home soon, my mom told me to come home early."
She sighed and sat down on the coach
Correction: She sighed and sat down on the couch
It’s ‘surrounded’, not surronded. It’s ‘realized’ not realised. I found them too often in the story so you might want to brush it off. Don’t forget to look through your punctuations and tidy them up. Good job, overall!
Flow
Like I said before, you are holding onto a very plain and simple plotline, which, of course, affects your flow. It almost seems like there really is nothing within this story. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, but it makes your story looks like it does not develop. There aren’t a lot of events that you put into the plot, which is just why the oneshot appears that way. Unnecessary events are to be avoided, but a few, corresponding ones are always needed to support your fiction.
As for the pace, I do think that it’s fairly steady. You did not go over the line and run just on the right track with the right pace, so good job. In the future, make sure you have enough liquid to make your story flow from you to your readers’ mug. We want you to hand your story over, but if it’s empty - no development, no interesting events – why should we bother? In other words, we want the development to be seen smoothly. What you have now is still rough. I understand that you’re aiming for a simple yet meaningful short story, but nowadays people don’t really look forward to it. We want to read a plot with proper transitions and developments in which, for now, you’re not giving us.
Characterization
I do get strict when it comes to characterization (I just don’t understand why some review shops give a maximum of 5 in their graded rubric for this criteria – I mean, really, 5 out of 100?) but my standard would always be lowered for stories with only one to three chapters. I know it’s not easy to develop your characters in a mere oneshot but I want you to underline that even with such limit, you are always able to make your characters alive.
Alright, so here in A conversation about love, you only have 2 main characters whose names were not revealed until it reached the ending. No, that’s not a bad thing. It did not really affect the story. What bothers me, though, is their relationship inconsistent portrayal.
Firstly, in the beginning of the story, you completely showed how close they were to each other. You don’t ask such deep questions to strangers, you don’t call a stranger ert and you don’t slap them frequently on the shoulder. That’s what Jieun did to Geunseuk, so it was quite obvious that they have been friends for some time. However, by the end of the day when Geunseuk called Jieun, it appeared to me like they were strangers. The term ‘-shi’ in Korean, as far as I know, is to be said when you address a person formally. If they were friends, why haven’t they dropped the honorifics? That certain scene did not fully resemble the whole passage, which of course turned me off. That is also why I always suggest authors to avoid using Korean terminologies for it would enhance confusion to readers who do not have a full grasp on it.
That aside, your characters as individuals actually have a quite impressing development. In a mere oneshot, you managed to sketch Geunseuk and Jieun in a way that I could relate to them most of the time. I could understand Jieun’s way of thinking as much as I could to Geunseuk’s. I could imagine their personalities and that itself already tells that you have done a great job. The key point of your story is the dialogues and although they are lacking in some ways, they manage to make your characters realistic and alive. Take note on the relationship development, though. You don’t want to put a hole on that. Keep up the good work!
Comments/Enjoyment
I did not enjoy reading the story as much as I did consuming the message. I do like your thoughts about love and it’s especially nice to see it written in a short story. The messy formatting and punctuation, however, irked me so much that I almost skimmed through the entire passage, but that’s my personal opinion so you don’t really have to take it seriously (oh, kill me, I’m such a neat freak when it comes to formatting).
Make sure to deepen your plot development, tidy your punctuations, and take a full grasp on your characterization when you work on your next project. I’m sure you’ll do better than you already are. I sincerely hope you’re not discouraged or offended by my review (and I apologize for taking too long to finish this). If you happen to have your own opinions, feel free to say it in your comment, I’m open to any kind of feedbacks so yeah. Don’t forget to credit the shop in your foreword, have a nice day!
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