i choose to love you

yeollie_pop

 

reviewed at ‵ℰxoxo ↻ Graphics // Story Review Shop (ღ )

Title (3/5)

The title of your story is very simple and memorable. It also matches well with the plot and the genre. Readers will be able to predict that your story will revolve around romance, perhaps fluff or angst. However, just by looking at the title, I myself will not want to read further. It isn’t really captivating. The capitalization of the word ‘LOVE YOU’ is not necessary at all. I think it will sound better if you put it as ‘I Choose to Love You’ (with appropriate capitalization). You might want to take a note that I didn’t capitalize the word ‘to’ because it’s a preposition. Prepositions are not capitalized even in titles. Now, if the title of yours is to be put as ‘I Choose to Love You’, don’t you think there’s a huge difference? It still gives off the vibe of simplicity without altering the meaning behind it. As for the Korean words that you included; I am fine with it because I can read hangul, hence I can actually understand what you wrote. However, a lot of readers here in this site aren’t able to comprehend Korean, thus having it in your title will probably lessen their interest. It’s not a big deal, though, I’m not saying that you should discard it. Also, I will have to say that your title is pretty cliché – it’s one out of thousands that I will find here in AFF. Since I’m a picky reader, in my opinion, titles should at least be interesting and captivating, and to make one, here are some suggestions:

-       Use merely one or two words, at least try to keep it short (e.g. ‘Cerulean Eyes’, ‘Distant Stars‘, ‘Mystifying Beauty’).

-       Make sure that your title fits the genre of the story as well as the plot.

-       If the genre is to be angst, romance or something along the lines, poetic titles will be a good start.

-       Try to make a short title with deep meanings.

-       Make the title seems irrelevant to the story but actually holds a lot of relations.

Description/Foreword (7/10)

Simplicity. All readers want is simplicity. Description and foreword are like the most important parts of a story because from there we decide to click or not to click the ‘next’ button. Like I’ve mentioned before, all we want it simplicity. The good point of your description is that you merely put an excerpt of quotes on it. It doesn’t reveal the plot, but it doesn’t pick the readers’ interest as well. When I first read your description, I got distracted by the different colors that you used. I understand that you want to emphasize the quotes that Park Chanyeol and OC had said, but putting their names after the quotes will certainly be enough. You don’t really need to mark it with different fonts and colors because it really distracts the readers. I have nothing to say about the foreword; it’s good that you only put a short author’s notes and credits. The reason why I deduce a lot of points is because of the distracting formats, which I will discuss in the next rubric :)

Appearance (4/10)

Like I said, readers tend to crave for simplicity. I do think it will be more efficient and captivating if the description and foreword of yours aren’t formatted like the current. Avoid different types of fonts and colors. If you want to use red, make it all red. If you want to use blue, make it all blue. I do think black or grey are the most suitable font colors, though. I tend to shut the story off if the fonts aren’t consistent and if they were colored differently. I think most of the readers here in this site think the same way, too. I understand that you want to make your story looks beautiful, but again, simplicity is the most beauteous. :D I will not discuss about the poster because it’s a work of other’s but in the first glance, the poster of yours is very colorful - it matches well with the tone and plot of your story.

Characterizations (5/20)

Characters play a very big role in a story. When the story develops, the characters need to grow as well. It seems to me that the two of your characters aren’t realistic – at least not enough – and they did not develop at all. I will not talk about your characters in details but I will give you some guides about building realistic and believable characters.  

First of all, you have to be in their shoes. In order to make them realistic, you have to be them. When you manage to relate to your characters, you will be able to figure out about how they will feel, act, think, etcetera. If Chanyeol is a fun, dorky-like boy that likes to joke around but is serious at certain occasions, then you should be one, too. If the OC is a sweet, caring and seemingly typical girl to everyone’s likes, then you should be one, as well.

Moreover, you should get to know every aspect about them. Not only that you need to be your characters – you will also need to be an observer. Know every single detail about their physical appearances; height, weight, body, hair, face, even visible scars, or how they looked like in various kinds of clothing, etcetera. Know their life from the beginning until the end. Since the characters are (well, basically) fictional, you can always widen your imagination to build a story about their past, their future, or their current life. You won’t probably need to write every single detail about it in the story, but it’ll help somehow. You can always try to take a note on these so when you’re putting a description of your characters, you can take a look at the note to draw a perfect sketch.

Last but not least, try to describe clearly. Describe how they look like, how they act, how they feel, and how those things affect their surroundings. Writing descriptively is very important as it shows the development of your characters.

Storyline (6/20)

The plot is rather simple. You did not put any twists nor unexpected events in between, which, to me, is such a big waste. Your story is very common especially in this site, thus in order to make it different, I think it will be better if you can put a plot twist. It doesn’t need to be necessarily a big twist that you have to think hard of – it can be made as simple as possible, as long as it gives a conflict to your storyline. Conflict is a very important aspect, too. You need to have an arising conflict before it drops to the ending. I can’t really spot where the conflict of your story was. It’s lacking of complexity. The good point of the storyline is that it’s an easy-reading with a slight of comedy and a whole bucket of romance that will make your readers squeal due to the fluffiness. I’m giving you points for that :)

Originality (4/10)

When I say all readers want is simplicity – I was referring to appearances. Storylines need to be complex and immersing. Yours, like said, is lacking of complexity as well as originality. To put it in words, the story is rather cliché because hundreds of people must have already written something along the line.

Plot total (10/30)

The English (4/15)

I understand that English isn’t your first language and I do really respect your will and confidence to write in a language that you haven’t embraced fully. You have a lot of grammatical mistakes and you are lacking of vocabularies, but I believe you’ll be fine if you keep on writing.

First thing that you need to take note of is about the consistency of tenses used. If you want to write it in present tense, then the whole story should also be written in present tense. If there is a scene of flashback, then you should use the tense below it which is past tense. If you’re using past tense from the beginning, the flashbacks should be written using past perfect tense. The cycle goes on like that. Remember: be consistent. Do not use present tense in one sentence and then change it into past tense in the next. :) Now, I’ll spot some mistakes for you.

"Eventhough we far a part, doesn't mean that our LOVE, far like our distance"

Corrrection: “Even though we are far apart, it doesn’t mean that our love is far like our distance.”

-       “even though” is two different words so you have to separate them.

-       “a part” means partially, while “apart” means separated.

-       Preposition “it” is needed before continuing the sentence. As well as the ‘is’ before the other. The sentence that you wrote doesn’t make sense at all, so you need to put the prepositions correctly.

“The bell rang about a minutes ago and that mean the end of the school”

Correction: “The bell rang about a minute ago and that means it’s the end of school.”

“We went to exit the gates,we take a walk for awhile and it's awkward between us”

Correction: “We went to the exit gates. We took a walk for a while and it was awkward between us.”

-       “awhile” is an adverb. “a while” is a preposition followed by a noun. In your sentence, “a while” should be used instead because it described how they took a walk for a short length of period. If you want to use “awhile”, the sentence should be placed as: “we took a walk awhile and it was awkward between us.

“When we arrived at the bridge,we're look so happy.”

Correction: “When we arrived at the bridge, we looked so happy.”

Now, I will have to tell you about the importance of punctuation. Make sure that after a sentence, you put a period (.) or a comma, if you want to follow it up with another sentence that is related. Give a space after those punctuations. For instance, the incorrect sentence is: ““When we arrived at the bridge,we're look so happy.” The correct one is: “When we arrived at the bridge, we looked so happy.” – See the difference?

Capitalization is also important. First alphabet of a paragraph should be capitalized. After period (.), exclamation (!) and question (?) marks, the first alphabet should be capitalized as well.

Avoid using symbols like ‘~’ or excessive use of marks (e.g. “Chanyeol-ssi!!!”, “Why are you here???”). If you want to emphasize the tone, try to make a description about it :).

““Ah~, we’ve arrived,” my dad told us as we’ve arrived. Yeah, it’s Mapo Sutbul Galbi (A/N: Does this restaurant exist?)”

I don’t see the need of putting A/N in between the sentence. Truth be told, it turned a lot of readers off. I think it will sound okay if you discard the A/N and put no question about whether or not the restaurant exists. It’s a work of fiction, isn’t it? :)

I cannot give you the entire mistakes but they’re very similar to the ones I’ve mentioned. I am sure you can improve your skills as time goes by. Keep on writing and that itself will do! I hope you can use the notes I’ve stated to guide you along :D

Flow (3/5)

A story needs to be paced in a constant speed. Don’t make it too long to reach the conflict but don’t make it too fast, either. The pace of your story is rather quick. The transition from where she arrives at the airport until she meets Chanyeol and so forth - it all happens to fast. The development of their relationship is also too quick. The only thing that helps the flow to become steady is the flashbacks, although I can’t say it helps enough.

Overall Enjoyment (2/5)

I don’t mean to sound harsh or judgmental, but I can’t say that I enjoy the story. You might want to keep in mind that I’m a very picky reader, so ;) If you want to make your story more gripping, you might want to brush off your grammatical skills. Work more on your characterizations and try to develop a complexity within your next stories :) Like I’ve said, keep on writing and that itself will improve your skills n_n

Writing Style (3/10)

The good point about your writing style is that it matches well with the story. It’s not heavy at all. In fact, it’s very light and it suits stories that are meant to be easy-readings. I will not be bored to tell you to keep on writing because I am sure you will find a distinctive flair of your writing style sooner. I have to admit that it’s quite common here in AFF.

Total (41/110) 

I am sorry if I sounded too harsh. Please don’t mind the score. Having a low score doesn’t mean you’re a bad writer :) Please take my critics with a happy mind. I really hope it helps!

 

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