baby don't cry

exoblast

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop (ღ )

Title

It’s a beautiful title, really. Baby Don’t Cry is one of my favorite songs and it certainly has the angst vibes in between the melodies and lyrics. Needless to say, it matches well with your story. However, to a picky reader like I am, the title didn’t seem to captivate my interest. It’s very common here in this site (especially because it was taken from a song) so if I were to judge solely from the title, I wouldn’t want to read further.

Foreword/Description

The good thing about your description is that it sort of built a tense situation and it successfully made the readers questioning: what happened to the OC and Kyungsoo? What kind of tragedy crashed them? It was placed in just the right amount – it didn’t reveal the whole plot, it merely gave out what’s needed to be given out. You might want to revise the grammar, though:

You and your boyfriend D.O, also known as Kyungsoo, has been together for quite a long time.

Correction: You and your boyfriend D.O, also known as Kyungsoo, have been together for quite a long time.

Other than that, the description was close to perfect. You merely put credits in the foreword and I have nothing against it so good job!

Appearance

Two words: beautiful posters. I have to praise the designers for making such beautiful graphics for you. You used the perfect fonts and formatting, too. Well done!

Plot

The plot isn’t entirely original nor fresh, but you’ve only wrote up to the fifth chapter and the twist were yet to be found. Up until now, the plot still lingered in my head as a cliché, love triangle story. I found myself wanting to know what sort of twists that you would put for us, though. Please surprise me. Kai’s character came out as the biggest aspect that you could use for a plot twist, so you might want to take more grasps on him. I’m sure you’ve also planned this story beforehand, so - keep up the good work - don’t lose the grip on the plot, and surprise the readers with the plot twists. I can’t say much about it unfortunately, since the story just reached the door to its conflict. I can only suggest you to provide unexpected occurrences because if you don’t, the story of yours would make no difference with the others.

Grammar

Your English is really, really good. However, there are some things I want you to take note of. I’ll expand it down below.

Inconsistent Verb Tense

Since you were using past tense from the very beginning, the whole story must be written in past tense as well. For example:

Who does he think he is?

Correction: Who did he think he was?

Repetition

It’s not a lot, but some of your juxtaposing sentences were using the same words repeatedly. It would have been better if you could expand your vocabularies and use synonyms (or use my method: look up to thesaurus lol). For example:

I stared at the cold scenery through the cold glass of the window.

‘cold’ was used twice. If I were you, I would place the sentence as:

I stared at the glacial scenery through the cold glass of the window.

Word Usage

The mistakes are commonly found in your chapter. Here, I’ll spot some for you:

 

I know I doing something wrong…

Correction: I knew I was doing something wrong…

 

The other two options was totally out off…

Correction: The other two options were totally out off…

 

I layed in bed again, too lazy to get up without D.O’s smiling face next to me.

Correction: I lay in bed again, too lazy to get up without D.O’s smiling face next to me.

First of all, the word ‘layed’ doesn’t exist. There are two, seemingly similar words – lie and lay. ‘Lie’ means “to be repositioned”, while ‘lay’ means “to place”. In your sentence, ‘lie’ is the suitable verb. Its second verb is ‘lay’ with the third being ‘lain’.

 

Also, on a side note, you used the word ‘you’ when you were actually referring to ‘I’.

You softened at his cute, innocent face.

Correction: I softened at his cute, innocent face.

Incorrect Spelling

I came across a lot of misspelled words, I’ll spot some and correct them for you. I recommend you to type your story in Microsoft Word if you haven’t. Since Asianfanfics doesn’t do spelling/grammar check, using Microsoft Word will give you a lot of help.

I heared bubble sounds on the room…

Correction: I heard bubble sounds on the room…

Occasionaly

Correction: Occasionally

Eventhough you were with him…

Correction: Even though you were with him…

I sat a the edge of the bad and stared at her angelic face.

Correction: I sat at the edge of the bed and stared at her angelic face.

It’s an article about pimples and ect.

Correction: It’s an article about pimples and etc. | It’s an article about pimples and etcetera.

I tear escaped and rolled down his cheeks…

Correction: A tear escaped and rolled down his cheeks…

I stared at the white door in front of me before pressing the door bell continuously.

Correction: I stared at the white door in front of me before pressing the doorbell continuously.

I pressed the bell again and knocked the door simultaeniously.

Correction: I pressed the bell again and knocked the door simultaneously.

Wearing a versity jacket and jeans.

Correction: Wearing a varsity jacket and jeans.

…before touching his forhead against mine.

Correction: …before touching his forehead against mine.

Punctuation

There are some rules that you have to note in term of punctuation. If you want to start a dialogue, make sure to embed it in a new line/different paragraph. Moreover, if the dialogue is to be followed with a phrase, the dialogue should be ended with a comma (,) and the phrase following it isn’t capitalized. For example:

“Is there something I can’t see? What are you drawing, anyway? Let me see or else.” He said with a slight playful tone.

Correction: “Is there something I can’t see? What are you drawing, anyway? Let me see or else,” he said with a slight playful tone.

A comma should also be placed after a tag verb, unless the sentence/action stands for itself. For examples:

He chuckled and answered. “You’re quite heavy.”

Correction: He chuckled and answered, “You’re quite heavy.”

I cuddled next to him, hugging his body when three meaningful words slipped from my mouth. “I love you.”

Correction: I cuddled next to him, hugging his body when three meaningful words slipped from my mouth, “I love you.”

Correct example: I fanned my face with hand as D.O did the same with a magazine. “It’s hot, isn’t it?”

Like said, your English is not bad at all. You just need to proofread your chapters again and again; revising again and again. You can also apply for a beta to work on the grammars but in my personal opinion, it wouldn’t satisfy you – would it – to have others work on your writings? Anyhow, just try to proofread and revise your chapters. Take note on what I’ve stated before. Keep on writing and that itself would help you to improve!

Flow

You stated that you’re planning to make this a short chaptered story, didn’t you? Then the pace was good enough already. Keep up to this pace. I have nothing to say about the flow, actually. The transitions were also good enough so excellent job!

Characterization

I do believe that characters play very essential and important roles in a story. You need to build believable and realistic characters – at the same time – create a bridge between them and the readers. To start off, allow me to expand my views about your characters so we can discuss about them.

Kim Hyeseuk – I understand that this is a ‘you’ fanfic, but you actually gave the OC a name. Most of the ‘you’ fanfics I bumped into had no name for the OC. You, though, you gave her a name. It’s such a waste to know that you’re using ‘___’. It would’ve been a lot better if you could just use her name – Hyeseuk/Joo. The ‘___’ really puts me off. Moreover, the name was used in some parts. When Kyungsoo confessed, he mentioned ‘Kim Hyeseuk’. When they first met and she introduced herself, she mentioned ‘Kim Hyeseuk’. I didn’t get why you wanted to put the underscores in place. My suggestion – this is my mere, personal suggestion – change the ‘___’ to her name. It would build more tension and make the story more pleasurable to read. Now, onto her personality. Hyeseuk appeared to me as a soft-hearted woman, but at the same time, she appeared so weak. I don’t like her personality as much because I don’t really favor faint women. But the way you built her was good enough for me to understand what you’re trying to imply through her character. Still, I couldn’t relate to her as much as I wanted to. She had yet to develop but I understand that you’ve only reached the fifth chapter, so I would like to see how you’ll manage to keep her development in track.

Do Kyungsoo – Again, in regard of the name. I don’t know if it’s just me but using two names for one person is not really a good idea. First of all, it would confuse the readers who don’t know EXO in a whole. It’s fine to explain that D.O = Kyungsoo, but constantly changing the use of his name in the story would result in confusion. It’d be better to use one sole name. I personally would prefer Kyungsoo. Anyway, Kyungsoo’s character fit him perfectly well. I could totally imagine him being all fluffy and sweet and romantic and caring and any other adjectives you could mention of. However, just like Hyeseuk’s character, the development of Kyungsoo was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t relate to him as much (although in the fifth chapter, his emotion was shown quite perfectly). He’s also lacking of background stories and perspective. I’m sure though you’ll be able to develop his character, for you’ve only reached the fifth chapter. Make a plan and draft something out of his and Hyeseuk’s characters – as well as Kai’s and the minors’ – it would ease you when you need to write about them in the story.

Kai – He’s creepy. If you intentionally tried to build his character as creepy as he already was, then you successfully made it. He’s like mentally deranged. He was obsessed to Hyeseuk – that’s most likely all I could convey. He didn’t develop – almost at all – but he’s the character that I wanted to get to know of the most. It would be great if you could spill layers by layers about him in the next chapters. I want to know his background stories, his life during the past few years when Hyeseuk was away from him. I want to know if he’s mentally unhinged (if he really was, it would be a great deal of plot twist, really). Take a good grasp of Kai’s character. Build something different and develop him more. As of now, I couldn’t relate to him just like I couldn’t relate to Kyungsoo and Hyeseuk. Again, the lack of background stories and convey of emotions.

On a side note, I would like to see the relationship between Kai and Kyungsoo. You mentioned that they were best friends – like brothers. If you could write something like a flashback revolving around their relationship, I’m sure it’d help you in creating their characters development. For the upcoming chapters, make sure to convey more of the emotions (without leaving the description of actions behind, of course) and develop your characters further. Reveal their background stories and make sure to keep in track in the plot too. Overall, good job!

Comments/Enjoyment

I couldn’t say that I enjoyed the story that much but you have to note that I’m a very picky reader, so please don’t get offended. The story gave off angst and fluff vibes at the same time (I cringed a lot upon reading Kyungsoo’s and the OC’s interactions), and it’s a good thing! You did an excellent job. I apologize for sounding too harsh and I hope my review doesn’t discourage you. You’re a good writer you just need to brush off a few things and keep on writing. Oh and thank you for requesting me, I really appreciate it. Hope you're satisfied with your granted wish! Don’t forget to leave a comment and credit the shop, thank you!

                       

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