drip, drip, drop

vonpika

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop (ღ )

Title

I'm not going to lie to you, but - at first - I couldn't seem to understand what you were trying to say with your title. Why did you repeat the word 'Drip' and why did you put 'Drop' behind it? Were these words nouns? Verbs? These thoughts came up in my mind when I first saw your title, but I know and understand that authors have the authority to use, merge and/or build any words according to their will, so I'm not going to talk about its correctness and efficiency as well as if it makes any sense (because perhaps it is just me who couldn't understand, lol). Putting these aside, I can't say that the title is entirely captivating, but if I were to browse through AFF stories and found yours, I'd probably give it a second thought.

I also noticed that you connected the title with the setting of your story (in this case; rain, isn't it?) I certainly have no problem with that - truthfully, I adore authors who can make titles according to the settings because it's not as easy as it seems - but it would've been better if you show more of the relations. I believe, instead of mentioning the rain only in the introduction, ending the story with another touch of it would have shown the resemblance more. Here's a quick example (just in case I'm not explaining it clearly): a story was entitled 'Upon Our Crescent' (whereas crescent is referring to the moon). The opening sentence of this story was, "You might want to scrutinize the moon." and the sentence written near the ending was, "If you miss me, try to scrutinize the moon; like we always did."

What I'm trying to say here is that there should be a clear bridge between your title and your story. You did write something about the rain on the ending, but you didn't emphasize it as much, so it almost felt like you lost the grip of the title. Good job, though, overall.

Foreword/Description

I always have a thing for authors who could write merely one sentence on their description and pull the readers' interests with it. You, too, did an excellent job. "Silver lining differentiating reality and falsity", well, it made me wonder what the story was going to be about. I was certainly captivated by this line, though, it would probably make a big difference if you have included an excerpt or preview on the foreword. The description itself was good, but with an excerpt, I personally think it would've been better. Don't worry, it's not a crime to put something other than author's note on your foreword (since a lot of people think that the foreword section was only a place for the authors to have their say. This statement is not wrong, but putting a little preview isn't either) so you might want to readjust your foreword or keep this in mind for your future stories.

Appearance

You don't have any poster or background but judging from the fonts, I personally like it! Since I'm very fond of simplicity, the appearance of your story surely fit to my likings.

Plot

What I could comprehend from the story was that the main character (left unnamed, apparently) had been very lonely during the time of her life. It was said that her grandmother had left her; her parents weren't there for her; her friends at school had tormented her; and she had also encountered heartbreak. For these reasons, she decided to attempt suicide, although when she was about to jump, Kim Jongdae came to stop her. Up to this point, I'm sure I have gripped the plotline properly. However, when she said that Jongdae wasn't real, I found myself wondering if the male was a part of her past, too. I thought Jongdae used to be someone special for her, and just like the rest, he left her all alone. That was what I thought on the first place, until I saw a comment and read your reply. You said that Jongdae's appearance was supposed to be "a reflection of her hesitation that she refuses to face", well, it made sense, but there were some sparks of love that you put between Jongdae and the female character, expanded from the sentences: 'she expected to feel comfort' 'to feel unconditional love' and 'harsh reality that Kim Jongdae simply didn't exist'. There was also a line that said ‘she expected to feel the warmth from her distant childhood’; this line - to me, at least - has some sort of ambiguity because it could be interpreted as either (a) Jongdae was a part of her childhood or (b) she wanted to feel what she felt when her parents and family were still around. Why did I come up with option (a)? Because you were currently talking about Jongdae. You also wrote, "But what greeted her were an evanescent nostalgia and [...]".The interpretations could be either (a) she was being nostalgic about Jongdae in her past or (b) the 'nostalgia' was referring to a few seconds prior to the moment she “lunged” into Jongdae’s arms.

The choosing of words, especially in oneshots and short stories, is really important because you're supposed to deliver what you want to deliver by putting it in between the lines. With the words that you chose, the readers' interpretations would vary in any possible way. It's basically similar to poems. There this one, certain concept that I've been leaning onto. This saying was found on a local forum discussion, if I'm not mistaken, and it says, "When a poem is done, the poet dies." It means: when you finish a piece of writing, it marks your end (as the author). What's left is that piece of yours and how the readers will interpret it. In order for the readers to interpret the piece properly and for them to embrace the exact message that you're trying to deliver, you have to emphasize on the choosing of words, phrasings, as well as the characters' development. Keep on writing and I'm sure you'll be able to brush this aspect off! Don't worry, it's one thing that I've been trying to improve, too. It's very difficult but at this point I'm very certain that you will be able to make a big improvement. Also, originality wise, this story was excellent. You can come across suicide-attempts-fictions every time you scroll through the categories of this site, but having such twist that the male stopping her didn't even exist and was a mere imagination of hers is, of course, something fresh and new.

Grammar

There's nothing much to say in this rubric. It was amazing; the grammar, the phrasings, the vocabularies. Is English your first language? If it isn't, then I must admit that your fluency is completely higher than mine since I am not a native speaker. I could barely spot any mistakes, so you don't really have to worry about this aspect. There was this one sentence that seemed off to me, though. It was found on your description:

"[...] have never had been fine in the first place."

I've never really seen this kind of sentence structure. It should've been:

"[...] have never been fine in the first place."

or:

"[...] had never been fine in the first place."

The use of have or had can be decided according to the tense that you want to use. I'm saying this because I've never seen a sentence with double usage of 'have', but I'm not really sure so feel free to correct me!

Flow

I don’t have much to say in this rubric either. For a oneshot, the flow was completely fine. The story was short (I would love to see more of your writings so it’s fine to make it longer) therefore there seemed to be a lack of characters’ emphasis (I’ll talk more about this in the upcoming rubric). It didn’t affect the flow negatively, though. Good job!

Characterization

First and foremost, I'd like to let you know that the standard of my scoring/judging for this rubric is always lowered when the story is a mere one, two or three-shot. Why? Because the difficulty level of developing characters in such short stories is completely different from developing ones in a long-chaptered plot. However, even with such kind of chapter limit, it is still possible to build realistic, believable and relatable characters. You, though, didn't manage to bring your characters up to that point. I clearly noticed that you were trying to emphasize on the plot without deepening the characterizations, so it was such a big waste. I couldn't even draw the personality of the main character in my head. I took a grip of her feelings (since you occasionally emphasized on that, too) but I couldn't relate to her. I didn't find myself sympathizing her, I didn't feel sorry for her.

Your story, like said, was relatively short; there was barely any space for you to develop the characters. You could actually make it longer and give your characters some touches of development. In my opinion, writing more backgrounds about her past, her family, her friends, etc. is completely fine, as long as it still connects to the plot. Disclosing more about her would help you in developing Jongdae's role, too. Jongdae, here, seemed to appear like a shadow; a blurry image that I couldn't get a hold of. I understand that you must have had some difficulties to describe and build Jongdae because in this story he was not even real, but if you have put a little bit of background about Jongdae's relationship with the female lead without revealing the twist, I'm sure Jongdae's appearance would be somewhat clearer. Here's an example:
 

""What do you think you are doing?"

It was not a surprise for her to hear him again. His voice was occulted with unfeigned worries and concerns. She knew it had been awhile since she first met him - it was on the night she quarreled with her parents - yet she could still vividly remember the feeling of his embrace; she remembered the serenity that she always felt whenever he was around. He was a good friend. They often encountered different opinions, but it helped her to decide what was right and what was not."

 

It was not the best example (looking at it again, it was the worst, I apologize) but there were some backgrounds being revealed, weren't there? I tried to tell the readers about how and when she 'met' Jongdae and how did it feel to be with him. Also, from the sentence "encountered different opinions" I was actually trying to connect it to the message that you're delivering. They have different opinions because Jongdae was a form of her hesitation, her worries, and her denials. He was the personification of the clash she had with her own self. It's understandable, though, if Jongdae wasn't entirely relatable because he was not real after all.

I think you have a great potential to develop both characters concurrently with the plot flow. Like I've said, keep on writing and that itself would do. Good luck!

Comments/Enjoyment

The story was very well-written. You have beautiful words decorating the plot and it's my total weakness so if you ask me if I enjoyed reading it; of course I did. You just have to deepen your characters and make sure that everything you put in between the lines resembles your story and the message you're implying.

You stated that this is your first attempt to write something like this, so I was wondering, have you ever wrote a psychological story? You have a knock for angst, I believe, so writing psychological stories wouldn't be something difficult for you (except maybe the plot development). I haven't read your other stories, though, but I'll make sure to read some when I can spare a time! Let me know if you already have a psychological piece or if you decided to challenge for one in the future. I personally think you'll do great with that genre.

On a side note, I just noticed that you're a oneshot writer in this shop? Awesome! I might as well start with the wishes that you have granted lol. Please don't worry about the criticism that I've said, they're basically the flaws that could be discarded as time goes by, so keep up the good work! Feel free to give me some feedbacks, too. I'm open to any of your opinions and I hope this review helps.

 

» layout credit