the last petal

lissamary

reviewed at WORLD OF LITERATURE (ღ)

Characters: 12/20

I’ve never really talked about characters in the beginning of a review but oh well, let’s discuss about our female lead to start with.

       Sera – she’s your strongest point. When Sera is (technically) not even there, not alive and not even in the current setting, you managed to make me relate to her all the way throughout. That, I must say, is amazing. Firstly, I totally understand why she refused to share her feelings with Lay (or anyone else) and decided to write it in her diary instead (I do that too, only not in form of diary, more into poetries and some sort). I think a lot of people are just introvert like that. The way Sera did that is totally realistic and that is a plus point for you. Past that, you do have to know that the effort that you used to portray her character is very risky. A character that is not alive, a character that is described in the past and not in the current setting or time of the story has the tendency to appear blurry and indistinct. You, though, you took the risk to portray Sera by using diary entries. That’s a very risky challenge but you just, you know, you just turned the table over so I do have to give my two thumbs up for you.

       One thing that Sera lacks is the description of her physical traits. How does she look like? What’s her hair color? Is her hair long or short? Does she have a large pair of eyes or a small one? Is she tall? Is she cute? How does she dress? Is she girly? Does she like to wear 90s clothing or those pinky, glittery kinds of dresses?

       When you build a new character, you have to make sure that you provide enough description in order for your readers to sketch them perfectly in their heads. I do understand how Sera feels but if I can’t draw her in my head, my sketch of her wouldn’t be perfect.

       Lay - COWARD. Really. That’s the only word I would use if someone ask me how’s Lay's caracter in The Last Petal. I would just say: “He’s a goddamn coward boyfriend.” True, in the end, everything does relate to his psychological state. I mean, what would you do if you love your mom THAT much and then before she died she left you a message; a wish that you want to complete for the sake of paying for her death or to be that child she would always be proud of? You wouldn’t just go with the flow and see if you could grant that wish would you? Lay, to follow his mother’s last words, decided to run away, to prepare himself so he could plan everything, so he could make her mother proud, so he could take back what – who – he loved the most. He decided to hide before he’s sure he’s ready to do it but seriously, doesn’t that make him a coward?                    

Hold on there, don’t be offended. The way you built Lay’s character actually make me feel like he’s very realistic. How many coward men do you know in real life? I can actually list down more than five names right now.

You do have to take note on his physical traits too, though. Some people here in AFF might not be a big fan of EXO so they might not know which one is Lay. I do know Yixing but in your story I do not know how he looks like. Is his hair black or brunet? How does he dress? You know, that kind of things.

Now, if Sera’s your strongest point, your male lead here appears to be your biggest flaw. Why is that, when I have written that much of compliments for you?

Conveyance. Your conveyance and the way you delivered everything is very, very weak. The technique that you decided to use is simply giving out Sera’s diary entries and then wrote the clarification in Lay’s point of view so that the readers could merge two different POVs into one in the end, so that the readers could know that everything does relate to one another. But the conveyance, again, is very weak. When I was pulled into Sera’s life through those diary entries, you failed to pull me into Lay’s past. You might have explained how Lay felt back then before he found out about Sera’s death but it was very weak. The depth was not too deep, for the lack of vocabulary. For instance, when Sera found Lay in the company, I couldn’t understand Lay’s reason as to why he did not chase the former. If it’s because he’s not ready and because he’s sure that they’re destined, the big question is still: why? The reason that you stated is not strong enough to make me feel him, to make me relate to his decision. This is what I meant by the lack of conveyance.

Setting (10/20)

The Last Petal happens to describe less vividly when it comes to settings. The only thing that I noticed was the description of scent you wrote in the first paragraph of the shot. The lack of visualizations (not only of the settings but also of the characters) weakened the bridge between your story and your readers.

I do have to say that you have done a great job in creating such corresponding atmospheres. The tone used was gloomy when the mood was gloomy; bright when the mood was bright. The choosing of words was very well done to the point that it managed to build the atmospheres properly. Keep that up. Oh, plus points for the dates stated in Sera’s diary entries. I believe it supports your setting description more than anything else.

I took off a lot of points for not paying attention to visualizations, though. Describe your setting: place, time, weather. Make it easy for your readers to draw your story in their heads. The current setting description you have is very weak. Do note that description of settings happens to be one of the important aspects that you should pay attention on when writing a story.

Plot (12/20)

With no intention of being rude, I must say that The Last Petal is not something new and different; I am sure you are quite aware of that fact. The plot of The Last Petal holds nothing more than a boyfriend who was left by his dead girlfriend before he mourned and blamed himself for not doing what he should have done prior to such tragedy. The overall story line is actually very plain and simple, cliché even, which is why I deducted some points off this section. Now, let’s break the plot down.

In the beginning of the story, you introduced your readers to Lay who was preparing his mind and heart to read the someone’s – named Sera, apparently – diary. What you did great is how you managed to pull off a beginning by writing from the end (if that makes sense…). You did not tell the story from how the couple first met, how they ended up falling in love with each other, how the girl died and all; you started it from the end, and chose to reveal those backgrounds in form of flashbacks. I admit that it’s a very good attempt to start a oneshot.

However, you ignored the technique of foreshadowing. Your effort in starting a story with some hints of flashbacks is highly appreciated, but the fact that I knew Sera was dead from the very beginning irks me. You could have foreshadowed that bit of twist until the last diary entry of Sera’s, but you did not. Sera’s death could have been a big plot turn if it was not revealed that early. Take a note on that: foreshadowing. It’s a technique you can adapt in order to make your readers relate to the entire plotline and make them go “oh why hadn’t I see that coming” when you turn the plot over.

Past that, I do have to praise you for all the connections between Sera’s diary entry and how she was in others’ – in this case, Lay’s – eyes. As an introvert, Sera must have had a hard time expressing herself even to Lay, hence the confusions and, sometimes, judgments that Lay had when she was still around. I love the way you reasoned Sera’s attitudes through her diary entries. Once again, the attempt is highly appreciated.

You started throwing more hints of complications through Sera’s diary in the middle of the story. I was quite thrown off the window by the time you talked about Lay’s mother’s cold behavior toward Sera. I was expecting something rather off the usual track. I thought Lay’s mother’s disapproval could bring me to a conclusion that The Last Petal isn’t that plain after all. But heck I was wrong. Lay’s mother’s reasons were cliché enough to be put as the cherry on top. Although at some points it strengthened the motives behind Lay’s sudden disappearance, I still think there could have been better ways to develop that certain conflict.

The last word of the story is especially beautiful. “As the last petal fell he knew it was over.” (I suggest you to add a comma after the word ‘fell’ just for the sake of it). I think it wraps everything in a very proper way. I do have to rant over the flower, though. As much as I love the way you based this story off ‘Slay’, their flower, seeing how you entitled it ‘The Last Petal’, I am pretty much disappointed due to the lack of description of the flower. It would be a lot better if you have described its color, its scent, its shape. What type of flower is Slay? A rose, perhaps? A lily, maybe? Specify the flower and I’m sure it’ll give The Last Petal more glamorous touches.

That aside, what about Agaphantus? I am absolutely clueless about that. Why Agaphantus? What’s the relation with the story? I know it means forever, but why Agaphantus? If you have mentioned about that word somewhere before the story ended, I’m sure I won’t call you for such question, but apparently you did not, so why Agaphantus?

Once again, please know that there are things that you did great and things you’re still lacking at. You have undergone such a great attempt: writing flashbacks through diary entries, linking one fact to another. You just need to keep that up and improve things you need to improve, one of them being foreshadowing and describing.

Conflict (15/20)

The main problem of The Last Petal lies on the regrets that Lay had upon losing his girlfriend.  It’s not something big. Once again, it’s pretty much ordinary and overused. I have nothing against such conflict because you attempted to approach it differently (which is brilliant and you should be proud of that) and because lost (with additions of regrets) is practically realistic for which everyone in this world must have – would have – experienced such feeling. Good thing about realistic, cliché-like stories is how readers can relate to it without troubles. Bad thing is how not many people favor such kind of stories and prefer something rather peculiar (and if I were to classify myself I would have been in this type of reader). You may, of course, mark your targets. If you attempt to pull readers who like reading cliché stories as long as it makes them cry and all, then you’re up for it. If you attempt to make picky readers go head over heels upon your shot, then there’s a lot more to improve. You have the potential, though, so I’m sure it won’t be that much of a difficult work to do.

The side conflicts did not really irk me. In fact, they actually supported your characterization as they acted as your characters’ background stories. I have stated my opinion in regard to Lay’s mother’s disapproval in the previous section – past that, there really is nothing that bothers me. Well done!

Theme (18/20)

Past the criticism that I wrote for you, please know that your story is very meaningful in so many ways. For those who haven’t experienced lost, it might have meant nothing. I have not experienced lost in such way, but I sure do know what it’s like to be separated from your loved ones. It kills, for the lack of vocabulary. Ask me a question – what’s your biggest fear? I will most likely answer ‘separation’. I might sound very melancholic right now but it’s the truth. I am scared of being separated from my parents, my friends, people whom I care for. I have experienced it once and I hated the feeling. That is probably why I could relate to Lay when he lost Sera with those overflowing regrets he had inside.

Now there go the regrets. Right. You’ll never know what you have until they’re gone. It’s pretty much what you want to say through The Last Petal, isn’t it? I think it was conveyed perfectly. Great job.

I took off two points for the originality of the theme. Again, it’s overused and plain and simple. Heartbreaking and touching, but still cliché and indifferent.

OVERALL POINTS: 67/100

Reviewer’s Notes:  There are actually quite a few notes that I took in regard to your grammars. Since you chose to be reviewed with Class C rubric and grammar isn’t what it judges, I can’t elaborate more on it here. You are free, of course, to PM me if you’d like to see what I took note of. It’s just some basic and minor mistakes though. Moreover I apologize for the lateness of this review. I hope the contents can make it up. Keep up the good work!

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