wolf, the top gang

deardeerhan

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop (ღ )

Note:  reviewed with 36 chapters.

Title

To be honest, the title is not really alluring nor did it captivate my interest. I do believe that it is always better to have a corresponding title instead of one with the appeal yet is unrelated to the story. However, I personally prefer something that is not straight to the point but is built upon some underlying connections. You, though, decided to use a direct title which I don't think will convince me to read further if I were to find the story by accident.

Foreword/Description

 I don’t have anything against these two sections. You introduced your readers to the Dark Era, pulling them away from confusion as they start reading the story. It doesn’t reveal the overall plotline, too. Instead, the last paragraph ignites the curiosities and wonders: will they get through it alive and happy?

You might want to add a foreword though. An excerpt or a short preview. It will make a difference.

Appearance

Nothing much to say about this rubric. Love the posters, the fonts, and the layout itself. Props to your graphic designers!

Plot

You have an amazing way in keeping the plot on its track. There isn’t any plot hole that irked me so I do really have to praise you for that. I don't think you need to improve anything in regard to the plot development for everything seems perfectly fine already. I am very certain that you have planned everything beforehand, hence the neat storyline. I do, though, want to remind you that your story will even be more intriguing if you have unexpected conflicts incoming. I noticed, through the hints that you've put in between the lines, that some things are going to happen to Jinah, basing it off from the past of Wolf's. It is pretty obvious that the conflict will revolve around Wolf's previous Prix - yes? - which I believe will complicate her relationship with Luhan (which is slowly developing as of now). Moreover, Fang seemed to be planning something disastrous for Jinah too. 

Now, these very predictions of mine may appear completely different from your initial plans (if so, brilliant job!) but if they have been correct, fully or partially, I can only suggest you to give more depth onto it. Frankly saying, I've read this particular fiction written by another author in this site, with the female lead being stuck in the army of twelve boys (granted, their roles were vampires, not gangsters), and she found herself falling for Luhan; so was the other way around. Luhan, though, had this overflowing guilt in regard to a woman of his past. He did not love her particularly, but to him, she was one of a kind - was special. She was dead, long story short, and Luhan had blamed himself for her decease. His past had also damaged and complicated his relationship with the woman she was now in love with. Why am I telling you this? Well, it is because I feel greedy to stumble upon something new. Something different, something fresh. I don't know if Luhan in your story has a bitter past with their previous Prix, of if the guilty feelings Yixing has mentioned about was regarding her, or if the thing that Jinah is going to find out today, a few hours after that night she asked Luhan, is something in regard to that certain past, but if all of them were true, then I cannot say that the plotline is entirely astounding or surprising. Once again, I do not know what you're planning so don't take this as a criticism. Let's just say, right now, I am only assuming. Overall, make a plot turn. You need to keep solely that in mind. Turn the plot, come across something no one would ever think about, and leave your readers in awe.

Truthfully, I don't think giving this rubric a judgment will give you any justice, since the story itself is still incomplete. Like I said, you have an amazing way in lining the plot and you managed to throw a lot of hints too (I totally saw Kai, Tao, Lay, Luhan, Baekhyun and Suho's supernatural powers. Not sure if I missed the others' though). You even ended your chapters with cliffhangers. You should keep these techniques up. Don't lose the grip and try to keep everything steady. Excellent job!

Grammar

Your grammatical skill is brilliant! You have a wide range of vocabularies and there weren't many noticeable mistakes, too. In fact, as I read throughout the chapters, I wasn't really paying attention to the grammars because the plot had entirely pulled me in. The mistakes that I found were merely the basics so I'm sure you'll be able to brush it off by proofreading your chapters.

She tried her hair with yet another white towel and got dressed into clean, pre-clothes.

I believe it was supposed to be 'dried', not 'tried'.

She expecting disappointed jeers and awkward silences.

Missing verb. Place 'was' after 'she'.

Luhan was luck the cut was shallow, early, and that the poison was weak.

Since 'luck' is a noun, the correct word is supposed to be 'lucky'. I'm sure this was misspelled, though.

She groaned - she had slept four last night, which meant she only had seven hours of sleep.

Missing preposition. Add ‘at’ after ‘slept’.

The boy that pointed at a girl stood up, [...]

You should re-phrase it as:

The boy who pointed at a girl stood up, [...]

Since the subject 'boy' refers to a person, the pronoun following it is supposed to be 'who'. You may use 'that', for instance, when you're referring to the type or kind of persons, just like what you did to this sentence:

Jinah was the type of girl that had natural beauty whatsoever so she didn't look ugly.

Also, as far as I know, blonde is how you refer to a female with the said hair color. When referring to a male, you should use the spelling 'blond'. The latter is masculine while 'blonde' is feminine (it is somehow similar to masculine 'brunet' and feminine 'brunette'), so you might want to change that. I don't know if it applies in every version of the English language, though, but I Google-ed this beforehand and most sites agreed with the said rule.

You have also taken a full grasp on dialogue punctuation; it was excellent. The only thing that you should take note of is regarding ellipsis. An ellipsis is often used to indicate omission or hesitation in a sentence, and can simply be formed by putting three periods (...) each with a space on both sides. So instead of:

"I don't know...Thursday?"

It should be:

"I don't know ... Thursday?"

On a side note, please try to avoid symbols in your writings. I noticed that you occasionally used tilde symbols (~) in your direct speeches. This might be my personal opinion but the use of the said symbol, somehow, makes the writing look less professional. I believe, with the description skill that you have, you will be able to describe the speaking tone by using words.

Other than these basic mistakes, your grammar, like said, is brilliant. You just need to pay more attention when you proofread your chapters to make sure there are no typos and whatnot.

Flow

I know that you want this story to run in a slow pace. Are you planning to end it with more than fifty chapters? If you do, then the current pace is already fine. Just remember that any event or backgrounds that you want to include in your chapters are supposed to be correspondent to the ascending conflicts.

Characterization

Let me start this by saying that characterization is one of your strong points.

It is obvious that you have put a lot of thoughts and efforts to build your characters, hence the well-developed portrayal. In all honestly, when I knew that the story was going to involve countless amounts of characters, I did not, at all, expect any sort of developments to be shown throughout. But really, you managed to prove me wrong. I love the depth and the realism of your characters. You even gave the minor ones enough spaces that they deserve, so again, good job.

Shin Jinah, the female lead, is undoubtedly the most relatable character in the story. Thank you for not setting her as a weak and faint woman (I don’t really favor them, mostly because ones with the said personalities are cliché and not outstanding). You’ve brilliantly conveyed her personalities and feelings so I don’t have any difficulty in understanding her. The moment you described her worries and concerns regarding Minjung and the dwelling, I came to realization that she was, too, very realistic. Her relationship with Wolf grew too fast, though, since it’s not even a week yet but probably it is just me. Just giving you my two cents.

Onto Luhan. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he owned two different personalities, doesn’t he? Not only that he acted differently on several scenes, he also kept on going back and forth in regard to his feelings toward Jinah. He was, at some points, curious about her, but his past was haunting him so he always ended up denying himself. I personally think that Luhan has the most potential to be the most likable character so you shouldn’t lose the grip of his role. Giving a person two different personalities is not an easy thing, therefore, when writing about him, make sure that you’re on the line.

You also have many minor characters, say, Jinah’s friends and/or enemies in the dwellings and the rest of Wolf, not to mention Fang, Thorn, and other Prixes Jinah had bumped onto. What can I say? You gave them the proper amount of descriptions, you allow your readers to sketch not only the leads but also them – the minor characters. That is why I told you characterization is one of your strong points. Some mentions of new names were overwhelming, though – Miyu, for instance, who did not have any descriptions before/after she was mentioned - but it didn’t really bug me. I personally like how Minjung had the thought of being jealous over Jinah. That was just realistic, you know? It doesn’t make the friendship perfect, albeit the jealousy was hidden.

Sehun, I suppose, is one character that I find intriguing. I am rather curious to know more about him. Keep smiling, he said. Why? Why did he open up to Jinah so quickly? You surely have something more than just that. I am very curious about Xiumin, too. His behavior toward Jinah is something that the group needs. I mean, twelve men, one woman, all agreeing? No, that will be surreal. I just love how you develop Xiumin’s character that way, moreover he also has his own reasons to dislike the female.

I’m not lying if I say I can see through the rest of Wolf. However, something is missing about Tao and Kris. Perhaps it is because they have fewer parts than the others. The two seemed to appear like blurry images to me, different from the rest of the members who develop concurrently with the plot flow. Kai used to be indistinct, too, but his layers were slowly pulled off on the late chapters. Tao, though, I don’t really know. Aside from him being on Xiumin’s side and that he knew about time more than anyone else, I don’t know him at all. But then again, the story is incomplete so it will be unfair for me to say that some of your characters are not developed. Take your time, draw their sketches, and don’t worry too much about this aspect. You just need to keep it up.

Comments/Enjoyment

I’ve said this in the previous review I gave for another author, that “when a poem is done, the poet dies.” It doesn’t necessarily refer to poetries only, but to other kinds of literatures as well. By all means, please be confident with what you have. Let your readers comprehend the story themselves. You don’t have to explain it for them. Honestly, it did irk me the way you explain things at the end of the updates, so yeah, just leave it off.  Don’t feel insecure.

Second of all, I enjoyed reading the story. I did not even skip any chapters even though you have three dozens of it lol. Keep it up, alright? And feel free to have your say. I am always open to feedbacks. I hope the review helps. Good luck with the rest of the story!

 

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