beloved

raichulove

reviewed at Cloudy Day, Clear Day (ღ)

(Reviewer's note: reviewed with 16 chapters)

Presentation (title + foreword/description)

Title – Too simple, way too simple. I have a thought in mind that your title was inspired by a song you included in your foreword; I really have nothing against its originality but I sure do have to say that your title, Beloved, doesn’t have the appeal to grab anyone’s interest. Not at all. Remember, a title is what sells your story in the first place, so if it is not appealing, what do you expect? Picky readers to come across your story? No, that’s not going to work. I’m not saying that you have to find a better title but keep this in mind for your future projects. Title = selling point. If you can sell your title, you have already sold your story.

Foreword/Description – Just like Melody of the Wild Dance, your description is very thorough and well-written. Only with that one, sole sentence you managed to make me wonder about a lot of things. First and foremost I wondered if the word confined, here, referred to its literal meaning. I highly doubted that it did; all I thought was that the word referred to the confined soul of the subject you’re talking about. That was until I scrolled down to your foreword.

Many authors don’t take the advantage of forewords to support their descriptions. You, though, aren’t one of them. Your foreword is written in a very thoughtful way as it appears to me as a supporting aspect to your short and blunt description. By the time I reached your foreword, I knew that the word 'confined' we were talking about was referring to its literal meaning, and as I read throughout the entire chapters, I knew the word holds a lot more than that too. The lyric is especially a good addition. While your foreword and description describe about the main idea of the story, the lyrics from the song you were inspired by tell your readers about the underlying messages and things you actually want to deliver through this story.

Theme (plot + overall message)

Plot – In the previous review that I gave you, I have talked about your writing techniques. I will still talk about that but only until we reach the Writing Style section. Now, if you allow me, let’s just talk about your plot in general.

The idea of Beloved is actually very simple. We have a guy falling for another guy in between the terrible problems that came across his life. We have a family that goes under a total mess due to the bankrupt; we have brothers who survive and a protagonist who doesn’t. I would rant over the originality and uniqueness of this story if you haven’t added that bit of Junhong’s depression in between the chapters. A lot of authors tend to forget the most important thing a character should have: a flaw. And Junhong, he has that flaw. He has that psychological thing going on his mind. He has trauma, fear. (I will elaborate more on this in the Characterization section).

What I’m trying to say is that making Junhong cuts himself is the best decision you have ever made in this story. If he didn’t do that, I would thought that Beloved is nothing but the same with the other stories out there. Kudos to you for that.

If you ask me about plot holes, I actually did spot some. There is an obvious development that your story shows, yes, but it appears far too weak. Many times I think you wrote the chapters rather in a rushed pace. When Yong Guk found Junhong five years after their last meeting, for instance. How could it be so quick? I know his manager had this connection and all but if Yong Guk could find him that quick, why hadn’t Minho or Siwon found him before the former did? I mean, in a few hours they managed to find Junhong’s data and that was over 100 documents. It’s like a miracle; it doesn’t really make sense. You had obviously rushed on that part.

Overall Messages – You have only reached chapter sixteen, so the main messages that you’re trying to imply might not be there yet. However, you have written enough about Junhong and his parents. In the beginning I thought it was too common. The conflict that Junhong had with his parents was way too ordinary and it didn’t get me. But then you turned the plot over. By the time Junhong’s mother brought him to the park, left him there all night and went to kill herself with her husband, I was … touched. There’s nothing bigger that a mother’s love. Junhong’s mother followed that rule. The harsh treatment that she had done prior to her death was a tad bit overdone (I mean if it’s just a mere façade, an act, an idea to save her child, she wouldn’t turn into that kind of monster), but the confession and the letter were enough to make it up. And then there was Junhong and all the things that he had done to himself. He, here, is the main point of all. The disturbances that slightly hit his psychological states are like, the cherry (tomatoes) on top. Intentionally or not, this single message (love among family, among brothers) is very well-delivered and I hope you keep this up until the end without forgetting to deliver what’s in Yong Guk’s case too.

Characterization

I have told you before that you did an excellent job in building Junhong’s character. He has what every character in a story needs: a flaw. His flaw, here in Beloved, happens to be his insecurity; his traumas; his instable psychological state.

The idea of making Junhong cuts himself, again, is very brilliant. For a nineteen year old who sees the world rather in a dark way since he was born, Junhong appears very realistic when he blames and even cuts himself to relax. Since the very beginning it was told that his parents saw him as a disgrace, and although he had three, loving brothers, he couldn’t help but to feel alone – to feel left out. That brings up the realism within his character.

One thing that Junhong still lacks is his development. From the descriptions and his psychological state, it is clear that Junhong is an introvert, a person who can’t easily trust someone to lean onto. The sudden change he had toward Yong Guk was rather surprising. During their first meeting, Junhong had already thrown Yong Guk some personal questions that he, I believe, hadn’t asked to anyone else before. And then he waited for Yong Guk to come back, in which he didn’t, and felt all depressed and betrayed. And then in the recent chapters he started to open up with the latter.

You tried to convey the development, to write through a particular progress, but I do have to say that they appear too weak. Junghong’s development and the progress he undergoes are not clear enough that I couldn’t really relate to him. You might want to try and strengthen it in the upcoming chapters.

Onto Yong Guk. To me, at least, he is the most favorable character in the story. Your decision in writing chapters from Yong Guk’s POV needs to be praised and while that isn’t the reason why I like Yong Guk, I still have to give you my thumbs up. Now, what do I like about him?

Firstly, he has this … aura, if that’s even possible. His personality was shown through the daily conversations that he had with his friends and his inner feelings were conveyed through his bluntness and the descriptions upon his backgrounds. He has the potential to be that main character anyone would love so keep up the good work.

Your minor characters. First of all, if you ever want to revise your chapters, I want you to give a few more touches on Jiyong and Kibum. When they were first introduced, I couldn’t draw them in my head - not at all. It happened when you mentioned Seunghyun, too. You did not describe them physically therefore I was completely lost in my own figments of imagination. Even up until now I do not know which Seunghyun you are talking about. It’s either TOP or Seungri, isn’t it? I don’t know which one of them goes by the name Choi (but assuming from the deep voice it must be TOP) so please describe more about him. Onto Jiyoung. Only later I found out that he is G-Dragon although I still can’t get a better idea as to how he pretended as a woman.

And then there is Kibum. When you first mentioned his name, I couldn’t help but to think of three faces in my head: Super Junior’s Kibum, SHINee’s Kibum, and UKISS’ Kibum. Since he’s Siwon’s lover I assume it’s SJ’s Kibum but then again, descriptions are always important. You have to let your readers know what your characters look like. Don’t let us assume; don’t let us imagine them as stick men; don’t let us imagine them as a tall guy with blond hair when in fact he wasn’t.

Also, the mention of new names followed with no description will result in only confusion. You might want to describe more about Soojung and the rest of the minor characters even if it’s only their psychical traits.

Flow

Your pace is fairly steady. I have nothing against it although sometimes it feels like you rush a few things (one of them being the scene when Yong Guk tried to search for Junhong). However, you have done a good job in deciding which events are corresponding to the main idea and which aren’t.

You need to work more on your transitions, though. I’ll give you one example:

“Mother, let’s go calm down somewhere else,” Seunghyun said as he dragged his mother away.

“Where are you going?” Jessica asked when Yong Guk started walking in the direction Seunghyun went.

“I’m his best friend,” Yong Guk said as he left. He opened the door to the master bedroom and was immediately engulfed into a hug.

“I called the ambulance. They should be here soon. I think he suffered a panic attack,” Seunghyun said as he pulled away.

Try to re-read that part again. Don’t you think you need a better transition? It surprises me that you changed the setting from Seunghyun’s position to Jess and Yong Guk’s, and then back to Seunghyun again without giving enough words to describe it.

“Mother, let’s go calm down somewhere else,” Seunghyun said as he dragged his mother away.

As Yong Guk noticed his friend going somewhere away from the crowd, he quickly tried to follow behind with unfeigned worries and concerns filling his eyes. His sudden move, however, made the woman he was talking with ask in wonder, “Where are you going?”

“I’m his best friend,” was all he said before he walked away, leaving Jessica all alone in the hall. He followed where Seunghyun had run into and opened the door of the master bedroom.

He was greeted by the sight of Seunghyun’s mother lying unconscious on the tiled floor. The former was just right beside her, holding onto her hands with yet another deferred tear in the corners of his eyes. When he saw Yong Guk, he quickly ran to engulf the latter into a hug.

“I called the ambulance. They should be here soon. I think she suffered a panic attack,” Seunghyun said as he pulled away.

See the difference? I know it’s not the best example/suggested revision but I hope it’s enough to help you imagine what better transitions I was talking about.

Writing Style

You have this one, particular writing technique that I’ve noticed since the first time I reviewed your work: dialogues. Prior to this I’ve told you that you have the tendency to overuse your dialogues, hence the weak technique portrayal and the lack of tension created concurrently. This time, you went through the same mistake too.

I admit that there is a certain effect that your dialogues created. They make your characters appear lively. They put realism into your characters, basing off from the daily conversations normal people would have that your characters have too. However, the phrasings of them and the diversity of tag verbs just … failed it.

My suggestion is to find more tag verbs other than “he said” or “she said”. The way you used that sole word to follow after each of your dialogues makes your writing style seems rigid. Of course it also affects your readers (and not in a good way too).

On a lighter note, do not capitalize your sentence. Never. Even if it’s direct speeches, do not capitalize them. If you want to tell the readers that the person is shouting, describe it with your words. Capitalizing one whole sentence will just make your writing looks less professional. Also, the word gay that was used when Junghong’s mother found out about Siwon and Kibum’s relationship (yes, I am referring to her exclamation, “NO SON OF MINE IS GAY!”) is kind of not suitable, especially if to be said by a woman who has a respectable degree. You may just use homoual or something along the line.

Grammar and Vocabulary

I have told you in the review for Melody of the Wild Dance that you have taken a full grasp on English language so really, you have less to worry about. I will just correct a few basic mistakes that I encountered:

He then let his travel to his bandaged arms.

Correction: He then let his fingers travel to his bandaged arms.

“Is it really my fault that mom and dad did what they did? […]”

Correction: “Is it really my fault that mom and dad did what they do? […]”

Father was with his male lover in the study when Mother walked in on them.

Correction: Father was with his male lover in the study room when Mother walked in and found them.

He bit his bottom lip as he watched the homeless wake and leave the park.

Correction: He bit his bottom lip as he watched the homeless man leaving the park.

Enjoyment

The lack of diversity in your tag verbs makes the story less pleasurable to read, but I do have to admit that you have done a great job. I commend you for the well-planned story so keep up the good work. To say that I enjoyed it, well, I sort of did. is just not my cup of tea so it sure lessens the overall enjoyment but past that, this is a story with potentials and enough quality. Keep up the good work!

Reviewer’s Comments

Firstly, I’d like to apologize for the lateness of this review. I hope it helps in any way possible and please do not hesitate to drop me any feedbacks if you have one. You’re an amazing writer and I hope you’ll never lose that spirit to improve and be even better. Wishing you the best of luck for Beloved and the rest of your story!

» layout credit