020: Melody of the Wild Dance

raichulove

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop 2 (ღ )

Title

I certainly have nothing against your title. Firstly, it relates completely to the plot. The relation is obviously there so good job. Moreover, your title has this … glamorous kind of feeling. Try to slip the words out of your mouth. Melody of the Wild Dance. How enchanting is that? Melody of the Wild Dance. No matter how much I repeat your title, it doesn’t sound weird or strange at all. In fact, it is very appealing, very alluring. Your title appears sophisticated and God knows how we people love sophisticated things. I would definitely give the story a try if I were to browse around and find it by accident. In term of its originality, well, I’d probably rant over how this very enchanting title was taken from an existing song but I will just let that off since I bet there are only a few people who would think of that certain song upon seeing your title (I personally haven’t heard of that song before, or is it just me?)

Foreword/Description

A very effective and efficient description you have there. A single line to describe the entire passage; I personally like it. Although I cannot say that it completely keeps me going, the simplicity of your description manages to discard the bad points that I had thought of. Your foreword is no less intriguing, too. I think you have written an excellent foreword as it supports the short description and reveals only the proper amount of the story. Very well done, honey, very well done.

Appearance

Simple layout, nice choosing of font types and sizes. I basically have nothing against it. The formatting is simply done, too. I suggest you to request a poster somewhere, though. Although it’s only a three-chaptered story, a poster would help you in grabbing your readers’ interest. Not a mandatory task to do though (I sometimes get lazy to request a poster too lol).

Plot

There are quite a few things that I want to discuss with you under this section. As much as I love the plotline, I, too, feel like this aspect is where you’re lacking at the most. In other words, I think that your plot happens to be your biggest flaw but at the same time it happens to be your strongest point too. That might sounds strange, therefore please allow me to break this down into several sub-sections so that I can elaborate on my opinions properly.

Originality – I assume you are aware that stories like yours aren’t up to what we call new and unique, nor if it’s fresh and remarkably distinctive. Some scenes in this story can even be considered as cliché and that – I have to point this out – is such a waste. You have a decent and thorough plotline which I think could have been expanded in a more peculiar way. If I were to judge this with a score, I won’t give you a full mark in term of originality but do keep in mind that I won’t take off a lot of points either. The singing, for example, is what makes your story different in some ways. It reminds me of sirens, sure it does, but since your story is in no way related to those, the uniqueness remains. The love affair between Ryeowook and Kyungsoo, too, is an exception. If you have dug further into that certain conflict, I am sure I would even be more impressed. Sadly, you did not. You kept yourself from going deeper into Ryeowook and Kyungsoo’s story which, in this case, lessen not only your plot development but also your characterization. Now, in the beginning I have told you that your story is not entirely new and fresh. You do have to keep that in mind when you work on your next projects despite the compliments that I gave you. The originality of your story also depends on the techniques that you use. If you have taken a full grasp on the proper writing techniques, you would be able to turn cliché plots not cliché. This, in another word, is what I call a different approach. Let’s now discuss about the techniques of your writing to support my previous statement.

Techniques – Different writers have different ways of approaching a story. Some of them go right towards the center, which is no other than the morals and messages. Some, though, have the tendency to play around some corresponding events (sometimes unrelated ones too) for the sake of it. In terms of conversational structure, some writers think that indirect speeches are relatively more efficient than the direct ones. As oppose to that, I believe that dialogues are something writers should not put behind. You, too, must have put the same theory in mind. There’s an obvious style, an obvious technique that you used in Melody of the Wild Dance. It’s your dialogues. When I say that dialogues are something not to put behind, I am saying that they are very, very important. In fact, if you choose to turn your story alive with dialogues, you should make them your best friends. Here’s what you did wrong: you overused them. A lot of times I think you should have replaced your dialogues with indirect speeches and perhaps a little cherry on top – a description, I mean – to complete the paragraph. A lot of times I think you were not creating proper dialogues. The way your characters converse with one another happens to lessen the tension of the story. Let me give you an example:

"Alright, so I helped kill him, but he deserved it! He was being that creepy ex-boyfriend!" Ryeowook shouted as he began pacing around the room. Jongin stayed oddly calm and silent, listening and absorbing in everything Ryeowook said. "He sent me letters and threats even though I broke up with him and started dating Jongwoon! It wasn't my fault! Kyungsoo really pushed it when he attacked us when we were hiking! We didn't mean to, but pushed him off a cliff! Sure, we went to check, but by the time we reached where his body was, it was already beyond recognizable!"

In the first glance, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the paragraph. When I first reached that part, however, it struck me that from then on the tension of the story had drastically decreased. Why? It’s hard to explain this in words; it’s just that I, as a reader, came to think that it was not the best way to confess a sin. If I were him, I would not dare to blurt the truth out just like that. Sure, Ryeowook was under a lot of pressure, knowing that his brother had met the supposedly dead Do Kyungsoo, but he’s the one who killed the latter. He had done a sin, something you yourself would not dare to admit. In my opinion, Ryeowook needs a process. The scene needs a transition, a properly built tension. That could have been the peak of all. It could have been a very mindblowing twist, but the way the truth was revealed, failed it. If you have written it in indirect speeches and added some descriptions to make it more dramatic, I am sure the effect on me and the readers would be a lot different and in a good way too.

Plot Holes – let’s just go straight to the point, yes? I’m sure you’re already getting tired of reading this review of mine lol. So, plot holes. There are many times when I think that your events do not agree. Firstly, Ryeowook’s confession was too plain. We have talked about that in the previous subsection so let’s just skip that for now. The next scene I think was not thoroughly plotted is the ending of part two:

"Jongin, wake up, please!" a familiar voice pleaded. Jongin's eye twitched as a small whimper escaped past his lips.

"Jongin, are you awake?" another familiar voice asked. Jongin let out another whimper as he tried to open his eyes.

"He's waking up! Go get the doctor or nurse!" the first voice shouted. Jongin furrowed his eyebrows as his eyes fluttered open. He blinked several times to clear the blurriness from his eyes. He turned his head and managed to crack a grin when he saw Sehun staring at him, face full of worry.

Alright. When I reached that part, I concluded that the boys found Jongin in the woods, unconscious, hence the panic reactions, when in fact he was found three days prior and had been taken under the care of nurses and doctor. If Jongin was safe enough already, Sehun and Taemin weren’t supposed to react like that. Sure, they could if you have described that Jongin was showing a sign of getting conscious and whatnot, but you didn’t. I had a moment of thinking because the beginning of the paragraph had most-likely told the readers that Jongin was found just now albeit he was not (am I explaining this clearly? *sigh*).

Past that, there’s another scene that in my opinion needs a few more touches; it’s the resolution when Jongin was following Kyungsoo’s voice to God knows where. It relates to the flow and transitions of the story so I will expand more about this in the Flow section instead.

Twist/Resolution – Two thumbs up for you, dear, for making such an ending. The twist is something I have not expected and to that I’d like to applaud you. Before the story ended, I had thought that Jongin would try to break free from Kyungsoo and that Ryeowook would apologize to clear things. That’s how cliché things end, isn’t it? But you proved me wrong and sure it impressed me very much. It’s a brilliant idea to have Jongin killing Ryeowook as a form of revenge toward Kyungsoo, moreover to have him reaching for the latter at the very end. However, there’s a lack of balance between what you want to imply with how you implemented it. There was almost no emotion involved at all. I could have stated that your ending is perfect if you have written it more…strongly. Some things are missing, some things are not there that I almost felt completely detach with the ending. You can say that it’s due to the lack of dramatic fields and whatnot. You can also say that your conversational structure needs some improvements to support the resolution. Once again, the idea is very, very magnificent and you could have blown me away if you have gone through a different approach – if you have built a high level of tension, which you did not.

I’m sure I have, in some ways, confused you with my opinions in regard to your plot. I admit that I have a mixed feeling about this. At times I feel like your plot is extremely splendid, but the way you wrote it makes the entire story seem very weak. That’s I mean with the plot being your biggest flaw as well as your strongest point. In the future, try to enhance the dramatic fields in certain scenes and make sure to blow your readers mind by building a high tension for your resolution. You have a great potential so keep up the good work and never stop trying to improve!

Grammar

I have to admit that in terms of language, there was almost nothing that bothered me. The English is remarkably flawless. You have taken a full grasp on the use of the language as well as the punctuations so props to you. The least I can do is to spot and correct the typos that I, apparently, often encountered.

Jongin asked his best friend, Sehun, as he stopped walking and tried to listen to the sound coming from sonewhere deep inside the forest.

Correction: Jongin asked his best friend, Sehun, as he stopped walking and tried to listen to the sound coming from somewhere deep inside the forest.

Whe he was close enough, he could see that the male on the branch was breathtakingly beautiful.

Correction: When he was close enough, he could see that the male on the branch was breathtakingly beautiful.

"Word I shouldn't have heard / My pohne which I should've just forgotten to bring

Correction:"Word I shouldn't have heard / My phone which I should've just forgotten to bring

"Dissapating the smell of smoke / Drowning it with music

Correction: "Dissipating the smell of smoke / Drowning it with music

"Then do you konw a Byun Baekhyun?" Jongin asked, earning raised eyebrows from Sehun and Taemin.

Correction: "Then do you know a Byun Baekhyun?" Jongin asked, earning raised eyebrows from Sehun and Taemin.

"I realy want to know more about this," Jongin sighed as he twirled his thumbs around each other.

Correction: "I really want to know more about this," Jongin sighed as he twirled his thumbs around each other.

"Jongin, what happpened?" Taemin asked as a few tears made their way down his cheeks.

Correction: "Jongin, what happened?" Taemin asked as a few tears made their way down his cheeks.

"I heared Kyungsoo singing," Jongin blurted out as he stared at his older brother to see how he would react.

Correction: "I heard Kyungsoo singing," Jongin blurted out as he stared at his older brother to see how he would react.

"I'm fine," Jongin said as he tried tot push Taemin away.

Correction: "I'm fine," Jongin said as he tried to push Taemin away.

"What else?" Ryeowook asked, crossing his arms and tappig his foot impatiently on the floor.

Correction: "What else?" Ryeowook asked, crossing his arms and tapping his foot impatiently on the floor.

Sehun sighed as he dragged Taemin put of the room.

Correction: Sehun sighed as he dragged Taemin out of the room.

And here are some sentences I’d like to revise for the sake of making it sounds right:

"He separated from the group," Taemin said before quickly covered his mouth.

Correction: "He separated from the group," Taemin said before quickly covering his mouth.

He ignored Jongin silently begging for him to not say anything.

Correction: He ignored Jongin who was silently begging for him to not say anything.

Overall, your grammatical skill is not something you should be worried about. Misspellings do bother the readers, though, so make sure to proofread your chapter again and again before marking the work final. Keep up the good work!

Flow

Jumping right off from the Plot section, I’d like to discuss about this very one scene found in the ending of part three.

Prior to his unconsciousness, Jongin, who was driven away by Kyungsoo’s voice, was screaming as if he was begging for help. That was the impression that the direct speeches made. The way you wrote it makes it seem like Jongin wanted to break free from Kyungsoo’s grip. I was taken aback, though, by the time Jongin held that knife, killed Ryeowook and went to wherever Kyungsoo’s voice led him.

I am talking about your transitions. I don’t know if it was intentional – making Jongin appears like he hated being controlled by Kyungsoo’s voice, I mean – but that’s apparently how it ended up like. I don’t think there is enough description to support your transitions, that’s why I was quite taken aback. I do have to admit, though, that the lyrics you included in between the paragraphs were very helping. Say that they weren’t there at all, I’m sure there would be a lot more transitions that you’d fail to grasp. The lyrics were there to create this particular effect so I’m praising you on that.

As for the pace, I think it’s pretty much steady already. The divisions of the parts are also very well-planned. The events that you put into the story are all corresponding and none of it had irk me, as a reader, in any way, so good job.

Characterization

Relationship development. I’m sure you knew I would talk about this in the first place. Jongin and Kyungsoo’s relationship development appears very … surreal, very unrealistic. It’s too quick, yes, of course, that’s the main reason of all, but other than that I can just say that their relationship is very speculatively written. Honestly, you have the potential to go back and forth with my feelings if you have properly developed Jongin and Kyungsoo’s relationship. Come on, how excellent is the idea? Jongin was lured by Kyungsoo’s seductive voice, fell in love with him forthwith, found the truth that his brother was the one who killed his crush hence the murder. In the other side, Kyungsoo could be up to many interpretations. I personally think that he was a lost soul, murdered by his past lover and friends, and never got his place in neither hell nor heaven. And then he met Jongin. He found out that Jongin was Ryeowook’s little brother, so he used the chance to revenge on the latter. He never loved Jongin in the first place; he just wanted a company, someone to dance to his singing, someone to love him like Ryeowook did. That’s simply a psychological thing anyone could experience.

However, back again to my point, the relationship development was written with such a loose grip. The pace was too quick. The believability of it was affected not in a good way too. The interpretations that you left us were there, hanging on the ceiling but it’s too far so we couldn’t grab it. By all means, due to their inefficient relationship development, many things were not perfectly portrayed. The individualities of the characters weren’t completely conveyed either. Jongin was quite relatable, but Kyungsoo was totally out of the reach. I couldn’t relate to him at all.

That aside, I have one question for you: who is Byun Baekhyun? The mention of his name made me wonder all the way through: who is he and what does he have to do with Kyungsoo and Wook? Sadly, though, his background was not revealed. Not even a tiny bit. The only thing that you told about him was the fact that Kyungsoo brought him to insanity, which I’m sure have been expanded in a different work of yours. However, mentioning his existence as if he’s an important person to support the story but revealing nothing about him would do you no good. Write a few backgrounds about him, it would make a difference.

Comments/Enjoyment

Despite all the criticism that I gave you, I admit that the story is very pleasurable to read. The song lyrics I had thought would annoy me ended up being a very effective approach to clear your failed transitions. The twist at the end was a very nice touch, too. Take note on the things that I have pinpointed for you and keep writing; you’re a writer with great potentials and I sure do have high expectations on you.

I really hope my review helps and not, at all, offended or discouraged you. Past that, I apologize for taking too long to hand you this. I hope the contents of it could make it up! Oh, anyway, apparently I am the one who was assigned to review your story, ‘Beloved’, that you have requested in another shop. Just wanted to tell you that I have a few things in hand before I could work on it so I hope you don’t mind waiting (again). Last but not least, thank you for requesting and don’t forget to credit the shop in your foreword. Feel free to give me any feedbacks and whatnot, have a nice day!