...and then i met you

conchobar

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop (ღ )

Title

Not that bad, the title was, but it wasn’t that excellent either. It completely relates to the plot and it matches well with the light tone that you wrote with, but it’s lacking of the appeal for someone who’s passing through the wave of AFF stories to click on yours. I’m the type who judge stories by their titles, and if I were to browse the fluff category and find this oneshot, I don’t think I would be interested enough to check the story out. Though, I must admit that the use of ellipsis gave your title a good effect of emphasis.

Foreword/Description

Many authors have difficulty in writing foreword and descriptions, especially in one/two/three-shots, and I’m not an exception so I can totally relate to you (hopefully) when you wrote yours.

The good thing about your description and foreword is that you kept it simple and short without blabbing around things that doesn’t resemble the story. Yet these two sections, the foreword mostly, seemed to be written just to summarize the whole plot. I mean, okay, Kyungsoo didn’t do love. He had school and choir to think about. Girls, to him, were immature beings. At least that’s what he thought until one day Kim Jongdae appeared, and then of course, he’d change his perceptions about love, then he’d find himself falling for the said girl.

By all means, the foreword and description were too revealing that I don’t think I would be interested to scroll to the next chapter because the foreword had just basically told me about how the plot would go.

Also, you might want to fix your sentence.

“At least that’s what he thought until he had met Kim Jongdae.”

You’re using two verb tense in here; one being past tense and another one being past perfect. When past perfect tense is supposed to be placed under past tense (when writing flashbacks, etc), it is not correct to use it in your original sentence, so it should be revised as:

“At least that’s what he thought until he met Kim Jongdae.”

On a side note, ‘nuissance’ is supposed to be spelled as ‘nuisance’.

Appearance

You keep the appearance of your story simple and it’s just how I like it. The purple background matches completely well to the tone and the light plot. You also chose the compact font type and size, good job!

Plot

Before we start discussing about this section, I just want you to know that a few weeks ago I happened to read Quicksand’s story, ‘Drowning Lessons’, which then led me to another story that she said she was inspired by. It was called ‘the taste of iron is starvation’ written by no other than you. I was genuinely excited when Cindy gave me a notice about your request because I loved that story for the plot and writing style; so I found myself looking forward to read and review this other piece of yours.

I know it’s so unprofessional to compare one piece with another, moreover when the genres lie in the completely, different opposites, but it’s impossible for me to forget my first impression about ‘the taste of iron is starvation’ when I read this story. Pica is a topic that you don’t often find in this site, and you did an excellent job in digging the story until its core, so I was somewhat disappointed with ‘…And Then I Met You’ because this story basically says everything that many authors here in AFF had already said. You’re typically revolving around someone who doesn’t believe in love at the first sight (or love itself, that is) until he meets this one certain woman and eventually alters his notion.

What I’m trying to say here is that the story is lacking of originality and complex that I had actually expected from you. I noticed, though, that you’re attempting to write a light, cute and fluffy story instead of doing another angsty and dark one, which I honestly don’t have anything against, but then again; the complex, the conflict, the twist aren’t there at all. I do think that putting more dramas and/or conflicts will make your story more gripping. But writing short stories is not an easy thing to do (it is a lot more difficult than writing long-chaptered ones, in my opinion) so it amazed me to know that you managed to compress the plot perfectly without going overboard or loosening the grip.  I’m usually the type of reader who gets sensitive with just the tiny bit of plot holes and if the story includes some events that do not resemble the overall plot, but this story of yours didn’t seem to irk me either way. Aside from being too simple and lacking of complex, I have to praise you for doing an excellent job in plotting this oneshot.

Grammar

Your grammar isn’t something that you should be worried about. I don’t even have the confidence to say that my English is any better than yours, since it is not my first language after all (speaking of which, is English your first language?) but there are just some sentences that I believe could’ve been worded more properly without having it sounded awkward or weird. Here, I’ll give you some examples.

“The action being something that didn’t necessarily hurt him, but if he had been slighter and a lot more fragile than he was, he could have easily been injured as Chanyeol’s weight was no joke and just having Baekhyun adding to it wouldn’t have helped.”

Doesn’t the first few words of this sentence sound weird to you? Because when I first read it I almost felt so lost in my own thoughts trying to comprehend what you’re trying to say. You used the word ‘being’ to explain that the action wasn’t something that hurt him, and then you have the preposition ‘but’ to start the next clause. I don’t think the usage of ‘being’ here is appropriate to be followed with ‘but’, so if you want to use that verb, the sentence could’ve been written as:

“The action being something that didn’t necessarily hurt him annoyed Kyungsoo even more, because if he had been slighter and a lot more fragile than he was, he could have easily been injured as Chanyeol’s weight was no joke and just having Baekhyun adding to it wouldn’t have helped.”

See the difference? The verb ‘being’ in your sentence needs an after phrase to explain its effect to the subject, which, in this case, is the annoyance that Kyungsoo (the subject) gains. But if I were you, I wouldn’t use the verb ‘being’ because it’ll complicates the overall sentence and results in merely confusion, so to place it better, I’d probably write:

“The action was something that didn’t necessarily hurt him, but if he had been slighter and a lot more fragile than he was, he could have easily been injured as Chanyeol’s weight was no joke and just having Baekhyun adding to it wouldn’t have helped.”

Replacing the verb ‘being’ with ‘was’ is fairly efficient because you don’t have to add another clause in between this long sentence and it basically explains everything that you’re intending to say. Here’s another example:

“The sound being light and airy and something he could have easily listened to all day if he had wanted, and realizing that, it was a little bit unnerving.”

Similar to the previous mistake, I think this sentence needs a few more touches in order to become efficient and understandable. The sentence is not wrong, but the interruption that says, “and realizing that” breaks the overall message you’re trying to imply. Let’s see the difference if you pull those words off:

“The sound being light and airy and something he could have easily listened to all day if he had wanted was a little bit unnerving.”

But it still sounds weird, right?  Punctuation is supposed to be put in between the sentence. A comma will do, but I personally prefer dash:

“The sound being light and airy – something he could have easily listened to all day if he had wanted – was a little bit unnerving.”

But then again, why don’t we just use ‘was’?

The sound was light and airy and something he could have easily listened to all day if he had wanted, and realizing that, it was a little bit unnerving.

I think the usage of ‘being’ in these sentences isn’t suitable; it only makes the whole clause seem off. Like I said, the said verb is supposed to be followed with an explanatory sentence that includes the effects and such. The literal meanings of your sentences can be interpreted as: it was a little bit unnerving because the sound was light and airy; he was even more annoyed because the action wasn’t something that would necessarily hurt him. It’s somewhat similar to: “With that being said, he went out of the room.” = because that was said, he went out of the room. Or, “With the trigger being pulled, he ducked off” = because the trigger was pulled, he ducked off.

Alright, enough with that. I’m not going to confuse you (and moreover myself) by blabbing around things that even I am not completely sure of, so I’ll move on to the next phrases that sounded off to me.

 

Slowly gathering his notes (neat, organized, and highlighted), he leisurely walked to his locker to deposit his things and grab some money before he made his way to the cafeteria, only for Chanyeol and Baekhyun (who seemed to always be attached to Chanyeol’s side) to jump on him and cause him to crash to the floor from their enthusiasm.

What seemed off about this sentence is the fact that you have two subjects being said at once but then in between the parentheses, you’re only referring to one of them. Cutting off the first few words, your sentence says “… only for Chanyeol and Baekhyun (who seemed to always be attached to Chanyeol’s side), …” If you juxtapose the two names like that, they’re supposed to be considered as the subjects in the sentence following it, which you did not seem to place correctly because the next sentence is only referring to Baekhyun and this results a slight confusion. The sentence can instead be written as:

Slowly gathering his notes (neat, organized, and highlighted), he leisurely walked to his locker to deposit his things and grab some money before he made his way to the cafeteria, only for Chanyeol and Baekhyun - who seemed to always be attached to each other - to jump on him and cause him to crash to the floor from their enthusiasm.

Or if you really want to tell that it was Baekhyun who seemed to always be attached to the other male:

Slowly gathering his notes (neat, organized, and highlighted), he leisurely walked to his locker to deposit his things and grab some money before he made his way to the cafeteria, only for Chanyeol to jump on him and Baekhyun – who seemed to always be attached to Chanyeol’s side – to add his weight on top of the latter and cause Kyungsoo to crash to the floor from their enthusiasm.

Note that I changed the parentheses to dashes, too (mind me for being biased to em dashes), which reminds me that you have the tendency to separate your sentences using commas and I think it will be better if you can vary your punctuation. The use of dashes and semicolons will make your phrases more pleasurable to read, I guess. For example:

Staring up at her and taking in her wide smile and beauty for a moment, time pausing around him like he was in a damn chick flick, he quickly looked down and blushed.

It can instead be placed as:

Staring up at her and taking in her wide smile and beauty for a moment – time pausing around him like he was in a damn chick flick – he quickly looked down and blushed.

 

And these are the few common and simple mistakes that I found. They basically revolve around prepositions and word usage and some incorrect spellings, so I’m not going to write long (and confusing) explanations because I’m sure you already have the proper knowledge about these.

 

✰✰✰

 

Looking up to see a girl with long dark hair, high cheekbones, and a kitten-like smile that was doing her best to hide a giggle into her small hands, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but feel as if the laugh was infectious and beyond adorable.

Correction:

Looking up to see a girl with long dark hair, high cheekbones, and a kitten-like smile who was doing her best to hide a giggle behind her small hands, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but feel as if the laugh was infectious and beyond adorable.

 

✰✰✰

 

However, before he could even scold them (hyungs, be damned), he started at the sound of a soft adorable giggle coming a few steps away from them.

Correction:

However, before he could even scold them (hyungs, be damned), he startled at the sound of a soft, adorable giggle coming a few steps away from them.

 

✰✰✰

 

But seeing shy, goofy, and sometimes awkward Jongin act the way he was acting was strange, but Kyungsoo being Kyungsoo, had better things to worry about then Jongin’s supposed girlfriend.

Correction:

But seeing the shy, goofy, and sometimes awkward Jongin acted the way he was acting was strange, but Kyungsoo being Kyungsoo, had better things to worry aboutthan Jongin’s supposed girlfriend.

 

✰✰✰

 

Which seemed impossible because Jongin was a goof when it came to girls and the only people worse than him was Chanyeol, who was too much of a ert for his own good, and Tao, who didn’t even like girls in the first place. The latter even having one of the hottest boys in school as his significant other, a boy going by the name of Kris Wu, who had the features of a Ken doll, and the personality of that dorky, big brother you always wanted.

Correction:

Which seemed impossible because Jongin was a goof when it came to girls and the only people worse than him were Chanyeol, who was too much of a ert for his own good, and Tao, who didn’t even like girls in the first place. The latter even had one of the hottest boys in school as his significant other, a boy going by the name of Kris Wu, who had the features of a Ken doll, and the personality of that dorky, big brother you always wanted.

 

✰✰✰

 

When Kyungsoo first hears of her, he doesn’t know what to think, except that he knows that the girl is the second new student within days, coming to school ten days after the term had started.

Correction:

When Kyungsoo first heard of her, he didn't know what to think, except that he knew that the girl was the second new student within days, coming to school ten days after the term had started.

 

Like I’ve mentioned before, your grammar isn’t something that you should be worried about, though in some cases I think you need to re-read your sentences and confirm their efficiency and correctness. I don’t know if English is your first language (because it’s already excellent that I have to admit that my level is way below yours), and if it is, please do not hesitate to tell me if you have anything against my previous statements. I’m always open to feedbacks!

Characterization

If the cliché plot throws my interest away, you have to feel proud because your story captivates me by the characters, and you have to note that I could never go lenient in term of characterizations. Since it’s just a oneshot I understand that you don’t have that much of spaces to develop your characters, but I found myself being able to relate to some so it was remarkably amazing.

Kyungsoo was, needless to say, the most developed character in the story. I could relate to him and understand him the most, except when he asked Jongdae if she would marry him. I mean, well, I know it’s out of reflex but I think stating something else other than “marry me?” would be somewhat better.

Now, I do really have to praise you for building the female lead differently. When the typical fluff stories tend to give me the typical, weak, shy, and faint women, you definitely gripped my interest by building Jongdae’s character in a way that I could relate to her even though the story didn’t really talk about her and was revolving more around Kyungsoo’s point of view. It’s totally believable to know that she’s confident and easy going yet fragile at the same time. Her personality made the story less cliché; instead of having the male making the move, you decided to build Jongdae as a girl who has a lot of confidence and all and that’s just why I’m praising you. Placing Jongin as her brother was the right choice that you took because not only did it help the development of Jongdae’s character, which I had expected to be blurry, it also revealed a little bit of background that Jongdae didn’t seem have all along.

You also mentioned a lot of minor characters, and when it came to minor characters I usually rant about the need of giving them more spaces and all. I could somewhat cope up with them until the middle part, though as the story reached the end, I noticed that you mentioned a lot of names without giving any sort of details so it kinda irk me. But then again, I understand that this is only a oneshot and that it’s okay to not develop the minor characters as much.  Though, in a way, you managed to describe the outer layers of your minor characters and allowed me to understand them and that was impressive. Diva!tao omg I don’t think I can stop spazzing about that (finally someone who can describe Tao not as a dark or emo guy but as a sparkling diva yeay).  Also the sweet and romantic Yixing, ert Chanyeol, protective Jongin. The brief introductions that you wrote about them were enough for me to draw them in my head.

Characterization is one aspect that many authors, including myself, find difficult, especially when it’s to be written in one/two-shots, but overall you managed to tick the right boxes. The background stories of your characters were also efficiently written because it didn’t affect your plot badly, so again, good job!

Comments/Enjoyment

Like I said, I was genuinely excited to review this story because ‘the taste of iron is starvation’ happens to be one out of a few stories that left me an impression. Also, just a slice of information, I kinda give a slight change to my reviewing style, positively, I hope, so I would be delighted to know if this review helps you. I wanted to be more opened and honest but if I appeared too harsh, I apologize. Also, if you have anything against the statements/opinions that I stated, please feel free to tell me. I’m open to feedbacks and all.

On a side note, I enjoyed reading the story although the genre doesn’t seem to suit me (I’m more into dark and angst fics so you might now understand why I am so biased toward ‘the taste of iron is starvation’ lol). Jongdae being a girl is amusing, too! And seriously I can’t get enough of diva!tao lol you should write a side story about Tao and Kris for real.

It was a good read after all, keep up the good work! I'm also looking forward to read your next stories. Thank you very much for requesting and don’t forget to credit the shop (link required) once you pick this review up. Come again anytime you want!

 

AUTHOR'S NOTES; So I planned to alter some aspects of my reviewing style and applied it in this story. Wanted to be more opened, honest, and in-depth, too. I think I should be more communicative and friendly as well (less formal, you see). 

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