abhor

jjang017

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop  (ღ )

Title

If I were to judge with a score, I'll definitely give your title five out of five. It's brilliant, rare, unique, and - most importantly - it has the appeal to captivate the readers' interests. Since I personally favor short and peculiar titles, yours just ticked all the right boxes for me. Excellent job!

Foreword/Description

I don't have anything against these two sections in general, but I think it would be better if you switch the position. Why? Because defining a sole word in the description won't do any good. When you scroll through the tags/categories, what comes along your title, chapter numbers, upvotes and comments is only the description. It's basically one aspect that may or may not attract people to click on your story (aside from the title of course). You, though, filled up your description with only the definition of Abhor, which is not interesting enough for me to read further. Granted, you have an intriguing foreword which, I think, would've suited the description better. But that's technical, so don't take it to heart. Just giving you my two cents.

Onto the contents itself. I think I've made this clear earlier: your description isn't as interesting as your foreword. The word Abhor is strong, but not strong enough to lure the readers in (but maybe it is just me who's too picky for my own good). However, you wrote a foreword that makes me wonder about many things. In what way does Sojung look at the world differently? How is she pessimistic yet intellectual at the same time? What kind of barriers does she put for specific people - who? - and why does it crumble? The foreword assures me that your story is going to be different from the mainstream stories AFF has nowadays; I do have to praise you for that.

Appearance

Beautiful poster you have there, props to your graphic designer. I love the idea of giving Augustine a spotlight on the poster since she holds such an important role (as a doll that is). The layout's really pretty and neat, too. Just a quick question: will Sojung falls in love with somebody? You displayed some graphics that say, "I hate you but I love you," and it makes me think that the story will involves romance. If it doesn't, I suggest you to remove or change the gifs unless it has any certain relations with the overall plotline.

Plot

Tell me, where is the plot going? Wait, no. Keep your answer, don't spoil me anything. Very interesting, the story is! I like the idea of emphasizing the story on Sojung's point of view. It's amazing, how she actually suffers from a mental disorder but her character is portrayed as if she's normal (I'll talk about this in the Characterization section). Psychological stories aren't rare but yours is very, how do I say this, fresh? Moreover it's fairly original and it seems like you have planned everything thoroughly. Unfortunately, you have only posted the first two chapters so I can't give you a more in-depth discussion in regard to the plot. I'm still at lost as to where the story is going. I did spot some hints that you've dropped but still, I am not in a place to predict anything yet, so I'll refrain myself from doing so. Just a few reminders: keep the plot on track. Don't go overboard, don't overwhelm it with dramas and don't ever put any event that is not correspondent to the main conflict(s); it'll just slow the pace down and eventually break the entire plot off. Also, make sure you research about the mental disorders Sojung and Hayi are suffering from. It will strengthen their roles and make the plot seem accurate too. You're safe and good so far!

Grammar

Excellent English, really. You have taken a good grasp on the language despite it not being your mother tongue (forgive my rudeness, but I'm assuming that you're not a native speaker. Please do correct me if I'm wrong). There are a few things that I want to discuss regarding your English though. Hold on a little longer, alright?

Consistency of Verb Tense

Here comes the most difficult part of writing in English. To start off, I am pretty sure that you already have some basic knowledge about verb tense. You must have known that it should be written consistently all the way throughout. However, I noticed that your tense was going back and forth from present to past. Keep in mind that once you used past tense, you should use it for the rest of the story. For examples:

She writes her words and thoughts and hides them every now and then, but sadly, in therapy, talking is what patients do most of the time.

Correction: She wrote her words and thoughts and hid them every now and then, but sadly, in therapy, talking was what patients did most of the time.

Note: I would be lying if I say I have no trouble in correcting that paragraph. First of all, I know you were trying to say that until now; today; this very second; what patients do in therapy is talking, hence the original sentence you have made. However, like I said, tenses are supposed to be consistent. Once you use past tense, use it for the whole.

 

"What do you think this is..?" Her psychiatrist, Kim Wonshik, clad in a gray suit questioned her, holding up a picture of what seems to be a snake feasting on his prey. 

Correction: "What do you think is this?" her psychiatrist, Kim Wonshik, clad in a gray suit questioned her, holding up a picture of what seemed to be a snake feasting on his prey.

Note: I know, I know. I should’ve correct the first sentence in the phrasings section, but yeah, while we’re at it lol.

 

"The Beauty of Death." Sojung said while she glances back over her shoulder, combing Augustine's hair.

Correction: "The Beauty of Death." Sojung said while she glanced back over her shoulder, combing Augustine's hair.

 

It seemed as if Augustine was talking back to everything she says, the way her topics drift off to another, as if nothing was wrong at all. 

Correction: It seemed as if Augustine was talking back to everything she said, the way her topics drifted off to another, as if nothing was wrong at all. 
 

Incorrect Spelling

Proofread, sweetie, or write in Microsoft Word to spot the misspelled words automatically.

[…] he didn't want to aggreviate the younger.

Correction: […] he didn't want to aggravate the younger.

 

[…] tilting his head out of curiousity.

Correction: […] tilting his head out of curiosity.

 

Wonshik's expression changed into as surprised face.

Correction: Wonshik's expression changed into a surprised face.

Phrasing

There were quite a few phrasings that sounded awkward and odd, mostly due to the sentence structures. For examples:

She had the typical, anti-social attitude. She kept her words hidden, she hated talking. She writes her words and thoughts and hides them every now and then, but sadly, in therapy, talking is what the patients do most of the time.

Correction: She had the typical, anti-social attitude. She kept her words hidden, she hated talking. Ever so often, she wrote her words and thoughts down but sadly, in therapy, talking was the way of communication for most patients.

Notes: So the first thing that bothers me when I first saw the sentences was the inconsistent tense. But we’ve fixed that earlier so let’s move on to the phrasings. The correction was made by a friend of mine, flamzfox, who was kind enough to help me out. The sentences sounded really confusing to me so I asked for her help, and there goes the correction! If you’re still wondering why, here, let me quote her explanations:

“I get that the author wants to add the fact that 'she' hides the notes that she writes but then the entire sentence falls apart. Because the whole point of saying she sometimes writes the notes down is to provide a venue of contradiction so that the character shows that sometimes she does share thoughts hence why you can then say it doesn't matter since the other patients only talk. However, if she hides the notes then it doesn't matter if the patients only talk or not because they never see the notes in the first place regardless. “

All clear? Yes? (Lila is amazing I can’t thank her enough for helping me out. )

Onto the next! Giving out two corrections so you can choose either one of them.

Sojung flipped to different pages, reading various paragraphs while at it. Augustine suggested that she did so, to pass the time.

Correction: Sojung flipped to different pages, reading various paragraphs while at it. It was Augustine’s idea to pass the time.

Correction #2: Sojung flipped to different pages, reading various paragraphs while at it. Augustine had suggested it would pass the time.

 

There were only three times where in he had grown frustrated or annoyed while talking to Sojung.

Correction: There were only three times wherein he had grown frustrated or annoyed while talking to Sojung.

Correction #2: He had grown frustrated or annoyed while talking to Sojung for only three times.

 

"I'll tell you if you put the paper and pen away." She gave him a blank gaze, Wonshik was intimidated.

Correction: “I'll tell you if you put the paper and pen away." She gave him a blank gaze, making Wonshik feel intimidated.

 

"And how do you feel about that?" Wonshik questioned. He didn't need to, he could see that she was pissed about it but it was necessary.

Correction: "And how do you feel about that?" Wonshik questioned. He wasn’t supposed to, realizing that she was pissed about it, but it was still necessary.

 

He didn't want to pressure the girl, instead he tried to comfort her.

Correction: He didn't want to pressure the girl; he, instead, wanted to comfort her.

 

"God, this sentences don't even make sense."

Correction: "God, these sentences don't even make sense."

 

Her hair was curled down, her lips were bloody red, a small shudder traveled up her spine, seeing the woman's disgusting smile.

Correction: Her hair was curled down, her lips were bloody red. A small shudder reached Sojung’s spine as she saw the woman's disgusting smile.

Punctuation

I noticed that you have the tendency to put a comma when it’s not needed. There are also some rules of dialogue punctuation that you have to take note of.

Firstly, if you want to start a dialogue, make sure it is embedded in a new line/different paragraph. Moreover, if the dialogue is to be followed with a tag line (he said, she said, he mumbled, she stuttered), the dialogue should be ended with a comma (,) and the first alphabet of the tag line isn’t capitalized (unless it’s a name). Here’s one example that include all the three things I’ve mentioned:

"Go on, spill." Wonshik said, as he looked at Sojung. "She wants to stay—I told her we can't. I have to get well soon and take care of my sister." Sojung grumbled, obviously trying to calm herself down.

Correction:  "Go on, spill," Wonshik said as he looked at Sojung.

"She wants to stay—I told her we can't. I have to get well soon and take care of my sister," Sojung grumbled, obviously trying to calm herself down.

Notes: You should discard the coma after ‘said’ because it’s not necessary. Pay attention to the changes I made upon the dialogues, too.

 

Since the age of eighteen, Lee Sojung, was known for her choice of words, her pessimism and of course, her little doll, Augustine.

Correction: Since the age of eighteen, Lee Sojung was known for her choice of words, her pessimism and of course, her little doll, Augustine.

 

"The Beauty of Death." Sojung said while she glances back over her shoulder, combing Augustine's hair.

Correction: "The Beauty of Death," Sojung said while she glances back over her shoulder, combing Augustine's hair.

 

"I feel—nothing." The girl mumbled under her breath, almost soundless.

Correction: "I feel—nothing," the girl mumbled under her breath, almost soundless.

 

"That's a bad habit. I told you not to mumble to yourself. " He warned her.

Correction:  "That's a bad habit. I told you not to mumble to yourself,” he warned her.

 

"If you would, please leave. Augustine doesn't like company." The girl chimed once more before Wonshik finally fled off.

Correction: "If you would, please leave. Augustine doesn't like company," the girl chimed once more before Wonshik finally fled off.

 

In addition, there's no such punctuation like ".......", but we have a thing called ellipsis. Ellipsis is often used to indicate omission or hesitation in a sentence, and can simply be formed by putting three periods (...) each with a space on both sides. I noticed that you often put ellipsis in the middle of a sentence or to end a direct speech. Those ellipses, I believe, could’ve been replaced with a single period instead. For examples:

"Ah, Augustine.. you're so pretty.." Sojung exclaimed in awe.

Correction: "Ah, Augustine ... you're so pretty," Sojung exclaimed in awe.

 

"Augustine and I argued... she's such a little sometimes."

Correction: "Augustine and I argued. She's such a little sometimes."
 

Like I said, you already have such excellent English. You just need to brush a few things off, be more careful when you proofread your chapters and try to arrange the structure of your sentences more efficiently. Feel free to drop a question if you think I’m not explaining things clearly or if you have any different opinions. I’m open to feedbacks so if anything, do not hesitate to say it in your comment, alright?

Flow

How do I judge this if you only have two introduction chapters? lol but in chapter two, alongside the mention of Go Hyunjoong, it seems like the conflict's starting to arise (nice decision of putting cliffhanger right there). I'm guessing that you want to make the story short? Ranging from 10-20 chapters, 30 at the least. If so, the pace is already suitable. Just make sure not to put unnecessary events. Be careful with your transitions too. Changes of settings will require you to put a better transition, for example:
 

She couldn't even remember the last time she was happy with having them reign over their lives, they walked through the door that one night, all dressed nicely with large grins stapled on their faces.. If she only knew they were as said so, she wouldn't have agreed heading off and only stayed at the orphanage with her sister.

The door opened slightly, eyes of a young girl in the age of seventeen popped her head through the door. The girl had her hair up in a ponytail, she had large, pretty eyes, complimented by her long eyelashes. She slid her hand in and gave a small wave as she flashed a large smile at the older girl.

Suggested revision: Sojung reverted herself back from the bitter reminiscence as she heard the door creaked opened. She titled her head to see a young girl in the age of seventeen popping her head through the gap of the door. The girl had her hair up in a ponytail, she had large, pretty eyes, complimented by her long eyelashes. She slid her hand in and gave a small wave as she flashed a large smile at the older girl.

 

Characterization

Like I previously said, you only have two chapters so the story itself is still raw. I'll elaborate on my views in regard to your characters, but please keep in mind that I'm judging only from the first two chapters. I'll try to be as objective as possible though.

Lee Sojung - I am in no way a fan of Ladies Code nor do I have any knowledge about them but the portrayal of Sojung is shown very clearly that I found no difficulty to imagine her (the pictures help too, of course). Now what do I like from Sojung? First and foremost: her psychological state. I believe she does have some kind of mental illness (depression or something along the line, is it?) but the way you expanded her thoughts make it seems like she's just a normal girl. It's a good thing. Writing from the point of view of someone who's mentally deranged is not easy so props to you for that. The idea of having her not realizing her own illness is brilliant; how she's tired and offended and thought that people were stupid for labeling her as crazy; it's - mind the lack of my vocabulary - brilliant. What I like the most is, of course, the presence of Augustine. If you hadn't put Augustine, Sojung would be just as indifferent. But you did so good job. It's very realistic; the fact that Sojung talked to Augustine and refused to expose herself to people except, maybe, Hayi and - sooner or later - Wonshik. Since the story is Sojung-centric, it should be clear that she needs to have the spotlight and she has to be the most developed character. I can only say that you've done a great job. Just make sure your readers can relate to Sojung as the story develops by digging deeper into her thoughts and feelings.

Kim Wonshik - Just a quick question before we start: is he an original character or is he Ravi from VIXX? (no I'm not a fan of VIXX but I tried googling his name and there came Ravi). The reason why I asked is because I can't draw him in my head. The lack of descriptions would be the reason. When you introduced Wonshik, you only told your readers that he's a psychiatrist clad in a gray suit. Alright, that's enough of a description, but how does a psychiatrist look like? Wonshik, specifically, how does he look like? Is his hair brown, black, white or red? Is he short or tall? Does he wear glasses? Does he have a pair of beautiful eyes? What I'm trying to say here is: describe. You described Hayi but you didn't describe Wonshik, hence the confusion. I know he's a minor character, but minor characters also deserve some spotlights. That's one thing. Second: his development. Assuming that he holds an important role, his development, just like Sojung's, needs to be shown as the story goes on. I can already feel his underlying aura - if that's even possible - but he still appears like a blurry image to me. That's fine of course since your story is still raw. Just keep in mind not to lose the grip of his role and keep the consistency of his personality. Explore his inner thoughts and feelings too. Show some background only if necessary.

Hayi - Lee Hayi, yes? And she's suffering from Schizophrenia? Wew. A lot of authors have actually attempted to write in the point of view of schizo-diagnosed person, but only a few of them succeeded in portraying it well. I know that your story is centering Sojung, but I would love to see more of Hayi on the scenes. She holds an important role too, right? If so, she needs to be introduced and developed further. Her illness is a challenge you can choose to take. Describing Hayi's madness from Sojung's perspectives would be great, moreover if you compare it from the eyes of 'normal' people like Wonshik. Just like the latter, though, Hayi is still blurry. The only thing I know about her is that she's cheerful despite having Schizophrenia disorder so I can only suggest you to expose more of her in the upcoming chapters.

All in all, you're doing well with your characters so far. Ah and Go Hyunjoong? Is she Sojung's mother? ... Or maybe not. lol make sure she receives the spotlights too! You're doing just fine, keep it up!

Comments/Enjoyment

Sorry it takes me awhile to finish this review! You know, real life and all. So in all honesty I personally think it's still too early to ask for a review, but hey, there goes my opinions. My apologies if it sounds too harsh. The story's really interesting and I enjoyed reading it (psychological fics have been my total weaknesses lately). Feel free to have your say, okay? Don't forget to credit the shop in your foreword too. I really hope the review helps!

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