023: Once

shixotic

reviewed at ✰ Wishing Star ✰ Request Shop (ღ )

Title

The title of your fiction relates perfectly well to the plot. It represents the entire story and this is a very important aspect so I’m giving you my thumbs up for that. However, a title needs to be captivating as well. Frankly saying, if I were to browse through the stories and accidentally found yours, I wouldn’t even consider to give the shot a try. Having a single word to build your title is a brilliant thing, but if the word isn’t intriguing, don’t. Just – don’t. I am not in any way interested to read the story by judging only from the title, so you might want to pay attention on that in the future.

Foreword/Description

To start off, let’s discuss about your description. The thing that bothers me the most is the first line that said, “One-shot, One word, Once.” Since you have commas right there, the first alphabets of the words following them aren’t supposed to be capitalized. Moreover, I think it would be a lot – and I mean a lot – better if you remove this line. I don’t think it gives any effect that could support the description. Perhaps you intended to make it seem dramatic and beautiful, but in my personal opinion, it only makes it seem like the entire effect you were trying to portray is – how do I say this – forced? Now, the content itself is not something that would grip my interest. I have one reason, my dear: it’s too revealing. A description is supposed to give an overview of the story without spoiling anything. However, you just gave everything away by writing those very description and foreword. By the time I reached the last line of the prologue, I knew that the main character would commit suicide and experience an afterlife, regretting everything right at the instance. This would also lead me to an assumption that your story is going to be indifferent, which would eventually turn me off as a reader. Take note that I am very picky, though, so please don’t be offended.

The prologue that you put in your foreword is beautiful, but then again, it gives away too much. The overall plotline is right there, so why would I bother myself to read the entire story? I mean, I can predict the ending and all. That’s one problem. Next time, try to enhance the readers’ curiosity by writing a more intriguing foreword and description without revealing anything. Write something that resembles the plot, but remember: you should never spoil. I suggest you to just paste an excerpt on your foreword, but this is my personal opinion, so you don’t really have to take this into your consideration. There are also a lot of grammatical errors found but I will only talk about it once we reach the Grammar section.

Appearance

Nice choosing of fonts! I can’t really say much about this section because the appearance is basically very simple (and simple is the new trend) but if I were you I would have requested a poster somewhere. Just a suggestion, though!

Plot

I will divide this section into three main points that I want to discuss with you, so please hold on a little longer.

Originality – like I said in the Description/Foreword section, I have expected this oneshot to be indifferent and cliché. It is. There are countless amounts of stories that revolve around suicide and afterlife and depressions and regrets, so yours didn’t manage to tick my judging boxes. I want you to underline that a cliché plot is not something you should avoid. It is even recommended to write a cliché plot as long as you can do it with a different approach. I’ve said this in my other reviews that it’s not impossible to make a cliché plot interesting, so next time, think of something peculiar to support your storyline. I’m not only talking about the overall plotline but also about the conflicts that you have. It would have been better if the problems between Susie and her parents, Ally, and Suho aren’t such common problems (you really turned me off by the time you said Suho was kissing Ally after having some liquor). You could have spent more time to think of other conflicts that could explain Susie’s depressions. This is one of the ways to make a cliché plot interesting with an uncommon approach.

Plot holes – as I read throughout the story, I feel like a lot of things are missing. I will just expand my views about one that seemed off to me: the final sentence. “Once, you were my guardian angel. Now, let me be yours.” The problem about this sentence is how it doesn’t resemble the story at all. How was Suho (or Ally or her parents) her guardian angel? You never mentioned about them being her guardian angel on the story, so why were they now? Also, I get that you want to use the word ‘guardian’ because it happens to be Suho’s role in EXO, but a guardian is someone who protects; who cares and is responsible for another person, which doesn’t really fit to Susie in this case. I understand that she became a ghost (although it lacks of a reason), but how is she a guardian angel? It doesn’t really make sense to me. Moreover, you didn’t relate it to the storyline, so my suggestion would be: change the final sentence or add some things that resemble ‘guardian angel’ on the story. Connect one word with another, my dear; it will make a difference.

Overall message – now this is where I am going to praise you. Instead of attempting to put the morals in between the lines, you decided to state it out loud. Your story is beautiful for it reflects on life and you manage to deliver what you wanted to deliver perfectly. You manage to picture the meaning of life very well. You're trying to make the readers realize that life is not something to be seen from solely one perspective but from every corner you can reach. This is where the good point of the plot lies. It’s a sensitive topic but you manage to keep it simple yet beautiful at the same time; excellent job!

Grammar

Before we jump into the discussion part, let me first give you the revised version of your foreword:

It was dim in my room, the only illumination was from the porch light shining through the gaps of the windows. Even though it was dark, my eyes were still able to perceive the outline of the wooden chair in front of me and the lone rope hanging from the bare ceiling. Everything felt so cold and distant. It felt like every single object out there hated me; like they hoped that I would vanish from the face of the world this instance. At this moment, the chair and the rope seemed to be the only things that welcomed me with open arms. They seemed to be calling out to me.

There were voices in my head. They sounded like children fighting over a candy, arguing and making incoherent noises at the same time. I couldmake out bits and pieces of them shouting, “Step on to the chair and you'll end all the sufferings”, which would be responded right away by another voice saying, “No! There is always a solution to these problems!”

They were ringing in my ear so loudly that I felt like my brain was going to explode any time. Deciding to end all of these, I stepped on to the object in front of me and grabbed the rough, thickset rope. Suddenly, the voices ceased. Complete silence enwrapped the entire room. Then, I heard a firm voice. "You are all ready to go. Do it."

And I did it.

I wished I had chosen other alternative methods instead of this. A less painful way to die.

I struggled for a few horrifying minutes; my body was struggling to fight against the pain searing through my throat and the compressing of my lungs. It's like someone was squeezing all the air out of my body. The pain finally subsided when my soul left my body, which was an empty casing now.

Staring at my own body, I thought, "I'm free! My suffering has finally come to an end!"

Little did I know, the truth was quite the opposite of what I had thought.

Alright, so let’s discuss about the revisions. First of all: tense consistency. Be consistent on the usage of tense. If you want to use past tense, you should use it for the whole story. You have the tendency to go back and forth from present to past tense, hence the revisions. It is found not only found on your foreword but also on the entire chapter, so either request for a beta or just proofread it yourself to correct the mistakes.

Secondly: phrasings. You might have noticed that I added some sentences on some parts, like the one I added after ‘complete silence’. The problem about the original one is that it’s not a proper sentence. You need a supporting description like the one I wrote in order to make it proper, because saying merely ‘complete silence’ is not, at all, efficient.

Also, refrain yourself from separating dialogues or thoughts in different quotation marks. Make sure to add tag lines, too. It will make the sentences clearer and the transitions better. Many times you misplaced commas and periods, so pay more attention on that in the future. In addition, end your foreword with a single period, not three. I understand that you want to make it trail, but it’d be a lot better if you have stopped the sentence right there and then. It’ll alter the effects it has. On the other side, the word ‘I’ is supposed to be capitalized anywhere anytime, so make sure to revise it, alright?

Here’s a few basic mistakes found on the final chapter:

Who knows, everything actually changes when I saw things from a third person’s view…

Correction: Who knew, everything actually changed when I saw things from the third person’s view.

Notes: tense inconsistency and punctuation problem. Don’t trail your sentence, it will make a difference.

Afterall, it did not matter.

Correction: After all, it did not matter.

What pained me the most was that the only two people on Earth, that I trusted, actually betrayed me and broke my trust.

Correction: What pained me the most was that the only two people on Earth that I relied on actually betrayed me and broke my trust.

Notes: repetition of the word ‘trust’.

Ally, who cried with me whenver I’m upset; […]

Correction: Ally, who cried with me whenever I’m upset; […]

Ally tried to speak. “I.. I did not do it on purpose! I… was wrong… Susie… Please come back…” No response.

Correction: Ally tried to speak although her voice was trembling hard, “I did not do it on purpose! I … I was wrong. Susie, please, come back.”

No one responded. My mother just sat there as still as a statue, like she was in a video on a pause mode.

Notes: Try not to use too many ellipsis; describe the tone by using words. Start the next sentence after dialogue under a new paragraph too.

The corner of his mouth were sagging, like a lopsided alphabet C.

Correction: The corners of his mouth were sagging like a lopsided alphabet C.

Things are different, now that I look at it from a different prospective.

Correction: Things were different, now that I looked at it from a different perspective.

I just want to let you know that your English is fairly excellent. You just have to proofread your story over and over again in order to make it perfect. Here are some things that you will have to take note of: consistency of your tense, descriptions to support your sentences and phrasings, incorrect spellings, and a tad bit of punctuation issue. English is not my first language as well, and these mistakes are the common mistakes many authors – including me - would do, so please don’t be discouraged. We learn from mistakes so never stop writing to improve yourself, alright?

Flow

The transitions and changes of settings don’t really seem to irk me so you don’t have to worry about that. The pace is steady the entire time, and the backgrounds stories written to support your characters are fairly related to the plotline, so it doesn’t affect the flow badly. Very well done!

Characterization

I promised myself not to rant over the characters’ names because it is such an unprofessional thing to do so-okay, let me stop here. Now let’s discuss about Susie.

The portrayal of her character is pretty much conveyed perfectly. Her background stories are there to balance things out so props to you for that. I can actually feel how she feels, but I don’t find myself pitying her. Her thoughts don’t make me feel sorry for her. I don’t know, I guess you missed something out hence the less connection between Susie and the readers. Once again, the portrayal of her feelings is written flawlessly, but the lines that are supposed to connect it with the readers are not there for almost at all. I think it’s because Susie is indifferent. Susie, here, is that one female character you would often encounter in other stories. She doesn’t have any peculiar trait that could differentiate her from the others, hence the less attraction. There really is nothing much to talk about her, but in the future, it’d be great if you can build a character with distinctive personalities and traits. I like the way you portray her feelings though, so keep it up!

Comments/Enjoyment

Despite the critics that I gave you, the story, in some ways, is very pleasurable to read. I adore the way you convey the main messages you’re trying to deliver, I mean, come on, you won me over with that. However, you do need a few improvements (no one’s perfect anyway, and let me just repeat this: we learn from mistakes, don’t we?). Work more on your grammars and plot ideas, but keep up the way you deepen the underlying morals and messages. Enhance your characterization, too. I will be looking forward to your future stories if you’re planning to write one!

On a side note, I really am sorry for the long wait. I just managed to read the story last night and wrote this today. I apologize if I come out too harsh, but I really am trying to be honest here; not to offend you and whatnot. Do not hesitate to leave me any feedback and drop in your opinions if too! Make sure to credit the shop on your foreword and have a nice day ahead!