Saturday, June 21

I woke up at noon today. I was so tired from yesterday and… well… I might have cried myself to sleep last night. I really didn’t know what I was going to do.

I really didn’t know how to fix this problem that I made for the guys.

I probably would have stayed in my room all day, except I heard whispering coming from the living room. I sighed, put on some day clothes, and opened my door.

The boys stopped talking when I showed up. Taemin, Onew, Minho, Jonghyun, and Key were all there, along with their manager. “Annyeonghasaeyo” I said quietly.

Taemin looked at me with a little sad smile. “Come eat” he said.

I went and sat down. After a very awkward silence where we were all eating, I asked “so, what’s the plan?”

The guys all looked around at each other. The manager spoke up. “Well, we have three options. One: you could continue dating Taemin, but you’d have to keep it a secret forever. Neither of you could tell anyone and you probably wouldn’t see much of each other.”

Well that didn’t sound like something I wanted at all. I kept listening.

“Two:” he said “you could disappear back to America and just stay friends with all the guys here. You’d see each other even less, but it wouldn’t be a strain on your relationship.”

I liked the sound of that even less. “What’s the third option?” I asked.

Taemin was the one who answered. “You could become part of our company.”

“What?” I asked, shocked.

“People inside the company are allowed to date one another.” The manager explained. “It wouldn’t be easy, but you’d be able to see SHINee much more often.”

“But I have no experience or training or anything!”

“Well,” Onew commented “we’ve heard you sing, and you’re really quite good. As for dancing…” He smiled, probably remembering my little Dream Girl performance. “We’ve talked it over and we think that if you had some proper training, you could be good enough.”

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“We’re totally serious.” Replied the manager. “We think this is the best option for both you and Taemin and we’re willing to put in the effort to help you learn how to be a star if you are.” He smiled.

A star? I’ve always dreamt of being a star. I’ve watched people performing on stage and felt my heart ache, because I wanted to do what they were doing. But this was so sudden! I have a life! I have a family! Am I just supposed to leave them to come train in South Korea? What about my college education? I was on my way to getting a degree in physics. I was going to be a teacher.

But, my dream has always been to be on stage, doing what I love most.

I took a deep breath. “I… I don’t know.”

“Why not?” asked Taemin.

“BECAUSE” I yelled. “You can’t expect me to make a decision like this in five minutes! I’m going to need some time! What about my family and my parents? Should I just LEAVE them?”

Taemin looked at me, eyes wide. “Sorry” he said.

I looked in his eyes and sighed. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have flown off the handle like that. But you have to give me more time. I don’t know what to do.”

“Well you’ve got to make some kind of decision.” The manager said.

I took a deep breath. “I’m going to disappear.”

The guys looked at me sadly.

“My flight is scheduled for tomorrow anyway. I need to go home and talk to my parents about this. And I want to have some time away from all of you to clear my head.”

Taemin grabbed my hand. “I understand. But I hope you’ll decide to come back.”

I avoided his gaze. Slowly, I stood up and headed back to my room. “I’m going to go pack.”

“But you didn’t eat anything!” Key complained.

“I don’t really have much of an appetite.”

So here I am. Sitting in my room. I’m really not sure what to do. I really think that going back to America is the right decision for the time being. I really

Later

Sorry. Taemin came into my room as I was writing. He just smiled at me writing and said “is this what you call packing?”

“No.” I stood up from my bed and started packing. Taemin took the spot on my bed and just watched me pack. Neither of us said a word. When I was done, I sat on my bed next to him and put my head on his chest.

“I made a big mess of things, didn’t I?”

He sighed and put his arms around me. I feel so safe and warm when he holds me. I can’t imagine having to never see him again. He kissed the top of my head. Eventually, the steady rhythm of his chest rising and falling as he breathed lulled me to sleep.

We didn’t wake up until Onew came into the room. “Taemin, what are you doing? We have to get going!”

Taemin woke with a start. I’m a very light sleeper, I was awake as soon as Jonghyun opened the door. “Oh. Right. Yeah, I’m getting up.” Taemin replied.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“We have a concert in just a couple of hours!” Jonghyun exclaimed.

“A concert?” I asked.

Taemin grabbed both of my hands. “You’re coming right? I know you have to go to the airport in the morning, but can’t we have just one more fun time together?”

I smiled. “Definitely.”

So now I’m sitting backstage at a SHINee concert. All complications aside, this is a dream come true! I actually get to watch a SHINee concert. I can’t wait to see them perform!

Oh! I think it’s about to start!