Things change
SHINee's American Dongseng
Tuesday, August 26
I didn't write yesterday because I was pretty much exhausted. I had to be my normal bouncy self despite all the things that have been going on recently.
Minho, Key, and Jonghyun were a huge blessing to me yesterday. They kept the day lively and tried to act as normal as possible. Taemin and Jinki both stayed pretty quiet.
But I think things are getting a little better. Today was my one-on-one training with Taemin day. Of course, this would happen right after all the drama that's been going on.
I really hate drama.
Anyway, before I left this morning, Minho pulled me aside and asked me "are you gonna be okay today?"
I wasn't exactly sure how to respond. A whole day with just me and Taemin certainly no longer seemed like a pleasant experience. But I didn't really have much of a choice.
In the end, it wasn't totally unpleasant. Taemin and I both managed to not get angry and we successfully pretended that everything was okay.
At one point, I noticed something in Taemins eyes. He was looking at me and explaining a dance move (we danced a lot) when I swear I could see in his eyes anger towards me, but also some sadness. I don't think he's any happier about this than I am.
However, I don't think we'll ever be able to go back to the way things were. Even if he forgives me for messing up, and I forgive him for being a baby, it won't change the fact that both of us feel betrayed by the other.
All the trust that we had spent so much time building was totally blown away in just five minutes. Relationships are a very fragile thing.
But we managed to get through the day and even had a pleasant conversation during our lunch break. It was a little awkward, but it's obvious that neither of us want to stay upset for the rest of our lives.
I think we'll make it through this, but things will be different.
Wednesday, August 27
Today was our day out and I was really afraid that it would be horrible, but it was actually very good.
Today we went out and played paintball! I'd never actually played paintball before, but my team won! I'm pretty good at that sort of thing. I kick at laser tag!
We were divided onto three teams, each with their own colors.
Here were all the teams:
Green: Jonghyun and I
Blue: Minho and Key
Red: Taemin and Jinki
We played in a big arena outside, just the six of us. Jonghyun and I came up with some great strategies.
We pretty much snuck around the arena, trying to keep our base in sight, while trying to get to the others.
The point was to steal the other teams flags without losing your own. As soon as your flag was taken, you were out of the game.
Jinki and Taemin were the first team out, which kinda surprised me. I later found out why.
We played 5 or 6 games, without changing teams. At one point, I saw Minho aiming for me from pretty far away. I tried to run, but he was too fast for me. However, as we were really close to Jinki and Taemins base, Jonghyun jumped in front of me and took the shot for me. I ran as fast as I could and grabbed Jinki and Taemin's flag, knocking them both out of the game.
After that, the only people left in the game were me and Key, Minho had been taken out by Taemin while I was stealing his flag.
I snuck quietly around the arena, gun at the ready should I see Key. I wandered around for 5 minutes, keeping my back to the buildings in the arena the whole time. I couldn't find him.
I guessed that he was probably hiding and wasn't planning on coming out.
I closed my eyes and just listened. Silence.
Suddenly, I heard a twig snap not far from me.
Classic.
I crouched down and ran silently towards the sound (I've always had really quiet feet)
I poked my head out from behind a corner, searching. I didn't see him. I stepped out, gun raised.
He jumped out at me and took a shot. I ducked back behind the wall. He missed. I ran out and fired several shots his way. More than a few met their mark.
I'm telling you, I'm really good at that kind of game.
Jonghyun and I ended up wining 3 games out of 6, making us the champions for the day.
After the game, we all got together and laughed about the game. I noticed Jinki had a strange expression on his face.
The boys all turned around to go change. I glanced at Jinki once more and saw a thick red line across his back.
Red paint.
Red paint could only have come from two places: Jinki's gun or Taemin's gun.
I know Jinki is a klutz, but he'd have to mess up REALLY bad in order to do that to himself. That only left one option: Taemin shot him. From the look of it, he must have been pretty close too. All the dots were really close to each other. That could only happen if he's a REALLY good shot or if he was at point-blank range.
After we all changed, I pulled Taemin away from the others and the cameras.
"Are you happy now that you've shot Jinki?" I asked him angrily.
He looked down at the ground. "Yes."
I sighed and softened my expression. "I don't know if this will help anything, but for the record, I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
He looked at me sadly an gave me a hug, resting his chin on top of my head. "I forgive you. I know it was a mistake. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have reacted that way."
I decided to hug him back. "I forgive you."
We just stood there for a second.
"So what does this mean for us?" I asked him, pulling away.
He held my hands. "Well I don't think things can go back to the way they were before. I don't think we can be together anymore."
"No. But we can still be friends, right? We can put all this behind us?"
He smiled and pulled me in for another hug. "Yeah."
We went to join the others. It was very freeing. We're not going to date anymore, but we're still on good terms. I think our relationship will be better this way.
So that was all good, but the day wasn't over yet. We went and practiced after paintball.
After everything that happened, we were all really tired and nobody wanted to cook. As soon as we got back to our dorm, Key, Jonghyun, and Taemin headed out to get us some dinner.
Minho and Jinki both went to their rooms. Minho said he was going to take a quick nap, and I didn't have anything to do, so I went into Jinki's room.
I probably should have knocked... My bad.
I walked in to find him sitting on his bed with his back to the door. He was struggling to apply some kind of ointment to his skin.
I stood watching him unnoticed for some time. For some reason, I thought of our kiss and smiled.
He looked really ridiculous trying to put whatever that paste was on his back. I couldn't help but laugh.
He turned around surprised. "Oh, Hannah!"
I chuckled and walked over to him. "What are you doing?"
"Oh I was just trying to..."
He quickly screwed the lid of the ointment back on. I stopped him.
"Let me." I grabbed the cream from him. He stared at me as I took a large blob of the stuff on my fingers and situated myself behind him on the bed.
"Take off your shirt." I instructed him.
"What?" He looked surprised.
"Your shirt. Take it off."
He slowly lifted his shirt up a bit.
I sighed. "All the way, come on."
He looked at me briefly before taking off his shirt. I guess he was trying to hide something from me.
As soon as he took of his shirt, I saw a line of welts across his back, in the same pattern as the red paint that was on his paintball outfit.
"Oh my gosh." My jaw dropped.
"Is it that bad?" He asked.
"How bad does it hurt?"
"It's okay."
I started to apply the cream to his welts. He air in through his teeth at my contact.
"I thought you said it didn't hurt that much."
"It doesn't." He lied.
I placed my free hand on his shoulder while continuing to spread the ointment.
I felt the muscles in his back and shoulder tense when I touched his welts. That's when I realized it.
Holy crap, muscles. I first noticed his nicely muscled arms. Then I noticed his back. It looked so strong and broad.
I couldn't help but take a glance at his front too. He's got a freaking six pack! My jaw dropped again.
"What are you looking at?" He asked.
"NOTHING!" I blushed and returned my attention to his back.
About five minutes later, he commented "um... I'm not hurt there."
I snapped back to my senses after zoning out. "What?"
"I don't have any problems with my arm."
I looked down at my hands. They were both on his arm muscles. I snapped my hands back. "I was just checking."
After that, I managed to stay focused. (Mostly) I spread ointment across the rest of his welts as he just dealt with the pain.
"I'm sorry." I said, slowly rubbing the giant red bumps across his strong back.
"What?"
"This is all my fault. If I had better control of myself, Taemin and I would still be together and you wouldn't have all these welts across your back." I rested one of my hands on his shoulder and the other on his back.
"No I'm sorry." He stopped me. "I'm older than you. I was responsible for you that night. I should have paid closer attention to how much you were drinking. I'm so sorry." He placed his right hand on top of my left, on his shoulder.
I hugged him from the back, placing my head on his other shoulder. "I think we're both to blame. We both could have made it so this never happened. But it did, and there's nothing we can do about it now."
"Yeah."
We sat there silently for a long time. He was so warm, I would have been happy to stay there all day and night. But I heard the front door open. "That would be our dinner." I stood up and headed to the door.
"Hannah." Jinki called me. I turned around. He got up from the bed, walked over to me, and wrapped his muscular arms around my shoulders.
I couldn't really stop thinking about the fact that I was hugging a good looking, muscular, shirtless man.
"Thank you." He said.
"For what?"
He laughed. "I don't know. Everything I guess."
"You're welcome."
He laughed again and kissed my forehead.
I left him to put a shirt on. We ate dinner and then went to bed.
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