Title (4/5):

Your title is perfect. It relates to the story, it's rare, and it summarizes the story well.

Appearance (3/5):

Foreword/Description (4/10):

Plot/Storyline (15/20):

The plot was nice as it was an uncommon, yet it wasn't a bad plot. However, it wasn't that original to me.

Character Development (17/30):

There wasn't much characterizations in your characters although your oneshot is pretty long. From what I can see, Luhan is the type of guy who jokes around a lot and is rarely serious. I can't see anything distinct in your OC, she seems like a pretty normal girl, except she seems to be a little too flawless. Any girl would have their heart beating really fast, blush and get embarrassed easily in front of someone they fancy.

Use of Language / Mechanics (11/20):

I found several grammar errors, but they were nothing much.

Jia had finished her 5 days of campus field trip. (I don't think the use of 'had' is correct in that sentence.)

Jia just finished her 5 days of campus field trip. (It sounds better than the sentence above in my opinion.)

...because she had to visit her relatives in there as her mom requested. (Wrong usage of prepositions.)

...because she had to visit her relatives there as her mom requested.

Chanyeol then took Jia inside the station, and had their farewell there. (The sentence doesn't sound right.)

Chanyeol then took Jia into the station, and bid their farewells there.

"Ow come here, baby. (Ow is an expression to show pain, and the usage of 'ow' doesn't suit the sentence.)

"Aww,  come here, baby.

Oh God, no. Thank’s canceled. I’m taking it back! Why suddenly now –all of these times? And why he has to be sit in front of me all of the seats in the train? (These sentences barely make any sense.)

Oh God, why?! I’m taking my thanks back! Why  now – out of all these times? And why does he have to be sitting in front of me, and not any other seats in the train?

Why I even said that? (Grammar error.)

Why did I even say that?!

Yeah, I miss you Jia.  (I changed the entire sentence to let the readers know a little more of Luhan's feelings for Jia.)

If only you knew how much I missed you, Jia.

"How come I know you would sit here. I bought the tickets few weeks ago, even before we go field trip." (Grammar errors.)

"How would I know you'll be sitting here? I bought the tickets several weeks ago, even before we went on the field trip."

Then same here. (I don't think there's a need to use the word 'then' in this sentence.)

Same here.

I'm surprised he's still remember me. (Grammar errors.)

I'm surprised he still remembers me.

Other than that, your use of language is okay.

Flow (4/10):

Your oneshot was too slow. Your descriptions are too descriptive and that is a major killer for your flow.

Reader’s View / Enjoyment:

Not being offensive, but I found your story really, boring and I didn't enjoy it although I somewhat like your plot. Like what I said above, your oneshot is too slow for my tastes and you took a long time to get to the point about Luhan and Jia's relationship. Half of the Chanyeol part can be shortened, and the part where you explained about the seat arrangements in the train can be removed as well. There was too much filler in this story and I skipped a big portion of the story until the Baekhyun part.

Final Score: (58/100)

Additional Comments:

Hi there! I'm actually one of the participants in Beyond Fiction, haha. I was entry #17. I hope you'll continue writing more oneshots as your plots seem interesting! You just need to cut down on the over descriptive descriptions, and you'll be good! As for your grammar, getting a beta reader is recommended, but not compulsory. It's for the best in order for readers to fully enjoy your story. I hope you like this review, and I'm sorry if I sounded too mean or harsh! I just want to help you to improve although we are (( pretty much )) competitors in the writing contest. Hwaiting! ^^ Oh, and if you liked this review, please upvote our shop!

Review Credit to hopexdreams from ♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪