♪ Chocolate Love by xWafflebunniiboo
♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪ | Reviews and Recs [CLOSED for requests & READ CH. 37]
by xWafflebunniiboo
EXO || OC
Fluff | Romance | School Life
Oneshot | Completed
Reviewed up to Chapter 1
Reviewed by kintoun
EXO || OC
Fluff | Romance | School Life
Oneshot | Completed
Reviewed up to Chapter 1
Reviewed by kintoun
♪ KISSING YOU
by GIRLS' GENERATION
by GIRLS' GENERATION
Title (2/5):
I am personally not a fan of the title. I can see how it relates to the story, but I feel that it is both too common and straightforward. It is understandable since it is a oneshot and there is not much title you can choose from really. Personally, this is not a title I would click on if I happen to stumble across the story somewhere. If you just go to the search bar up there and type the title out, there are a whole lot of stories with the exact same title. I think it does not have that appeal that makes people wonder what it is about and want to read it.
Appearance (3/5):
You do not have any poster nor background, which is okay since this is just a oneshot, so I will exclude that from the grading. As for the appearance of your story itself though, the lack of spacing between each paragraph makes it a little harder to read. To some readers (including me), this may turn them off and make them want to stop reading. Since I noticed that you wrote from mobile, I would suggest to enter twice instead of once with each and every paragraph—thrice or four times to change scenes. Keep it a constant number and please refrain from inconsistent enters as it may serve as a confusion for the readers. They might end up thinking that you are changing scenes, when you are actually just putting emphasis. I would also advice against using indents if you are not confident that it will be neat. I am aware of how hard it is, and you might have noticed, but there are a lot of stories that do not use indents too. This might be a better option instead of having it looking crooked and uneven as shown in the picture below (red line).
Foreword/Description (8/10):
I feel that the description has an impact, but I also think that it is awkwardly phrased for some reason. This is what I would suggest: 'White Day: a holiday full of disappointments, annoying couples, loneliness, and most of all... Chocolates.' In a series of objects, it would be better for all to have the same form; say, plural. 'The damn chocolates' is not exactly wrong grammatically, but I think it sounds weird. Removing the first two words makes it sound better in my opinion. That aside, I actually really liked the content of it.
Plot/Storyline (12/20):
The plot is not exactly uncommon, although I have to say that the edible chocolate lipstick bit is unique. The thing is that, having a hot, new transfer student and being interested in each other too quickly is a very overused plot. Kissing each other when they barely know is another thing that I find highly unrealistic and also clichéd. I think that instead of a oneshot, it is more of a scenario, judging from the length and the barely-there background information itself. It is a really cute idea—if you were to develop it just a little further, it would have been a great short story. I feel that I should stress realism here. No one really kisses someone they just met (unless the setting is a club or something) and although many stories adopt this idea where in hot, cute guys are idolized, it actually does not apply in real life. Chanyeol is a fairly new student, everyone would be curious of him and check him out, but I doubt that they would throw themselves all over him. Also, it makes me wonder why Chanyeol would transfer in the middle of a school year.
Character Development (20/30):
Not much things to talk about here considering the length. I am glad that the main character is not a Mary Sue. Usually in the stories where a hot, new guy is introduced in front of the class, the main character is the only one unaffected in the class. Here in your story, though, you did state that she blushes and thinks that Chanyeol is a great catch. Her relationship with Sora is pretty cute too; considering that this is fiction, I can actually play their conversation in my head. The thing is that I feel Chanyeol is way too perfect here. Again, it may have to do with the short length, but he seems like he has no particular flaws or anything. He is way too swift in the last scene—I assure you that no one in real life would be able to act so cool and execute that move. It is fiction, though, so it is pretty understandable. I would suggest to be more realistic in your future writings. I think it is nicer to be able to relate to a story than to just sigh because when will that ever happen to me. Elaborate more about their traits, appearance and background all in all.
Use of Language / Mechanics (17/20):
You have both a great grammar and a great way with words. The only thing I have to say is to minimize the use of the word 'pabo' because I think using 'fool' or 'idiot' would be better. Honestly, using a Korean term aside from the common honorifics disrupts the whole thing for me; especially since you overused it. You should also try to use variety of styles when it comes to the dialogues. What I mean is that, instead of simply having an action follow a speech, do it the other way around. As an example, instead of: '"What are you doing here?" He asked me.' try 'He gave me a weird look. "What are you doing here?"' There are a lot of structures you can experiment with. Try a variety of them and alternate as to not make the whole thing seem plain. Also, try to minimize dialogues and use sentences to express a thought instead. Those are just suggestions, however, I have to repeat once again that you are a great writer already overall!
Flow (5/10):
As I have mentioned above, I feel that you are going way too fast with the whole thing. It is something that I personally think will not happen in real life. If you want to keep it as a oneshot, then just lengthen it; there is no word limit to a oneshot. I have read one that reaches up to 20k words. I do not know how to help in making the flow better—there is nothing you can do aside from elaborating more, which leads to the second option of revamping the whole story. The idea is pretty unrealistic from the start, so I would advice you to slow it down.
Reader's View/Enjoyment:
Personally, I am not exactly a fan of the story. I do find it cute, but the fact that it is so, so, so unrealistic kind of kills it for me. To be honest, I cringed at some parts because I just cannot take how cheesy it is. Another thing is that I am pretty much a neat freak and I really dislike messy formats (you are uploading from mobile, but this can still be prevented). I have mentioned it above how some people might just stop halfway while reading because of frustration when trying to read it, and I am one of those people. You have a great grammar, and not everyone is blessed with that. I think you should take better advantage of it by simply elaborating and basically writing more instead of just being straightforward. It is a unique idea to begin with (I mean, who thinks of chocolate lipstick?). If you do make these changes, I am sure your story will be more appealing and much more easier to read!
Final Score: (67/100)
Additional Comments:
i'm sorry for the delay in reviewing ; u ; i have to apologize if you find the review too harsh or if anything i said offended you o n o i'll repeat that you have great writing and i will be looking forward to more from you! make sure to elaborate, write more than just obvious details, make sure your characters have noticeable flaws. it is a cute idea and i like it! i hope this review helps you one way or another <33 if you think it is, please do give this shop a little upvote! that'd be much appreciated ;;; remember to comment and credit the shop after picking up! we hope to see you around o u o
Review Credit to kintoun from ♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪
I am personally not a fan of the title. I can see how it relates to the story, but I feel that it is both too common and straightforward. It is understandable since it is a oneshot and there is not much title you can choose from really. Personally, this is not a title I would click on if I happen to stumble across the story somewhere. If you just go to the search bar up there and type the title out, there are a whole lot of stories with the exact same title. I think it does not have that appeal that makes people wonder what it is about and want to read it.
Appearance (3/5):
You do not have any poster nor background, which is okay since this is just a oneshot, so I will exclude that from the grading. As for the appearance of your story itself though, the lack of spacing between each paragraph makes it a little harder to read. To some readers (including me), this may turn them off and make them want to stop reading. Since I noticed that you wrote from mobile, I would suggest to enter twice instead of once with each and every paragraph—thrice or four times to change scenes. Keep it a constant number and please refrain from inconsistent enters as it may serve as a confusion for the readers. They might end up thinking that you are changing scenes, when you are actually just putting emphasis. I would also advice against using indents if you are not confident that it will be neat. I am aware of how hard it is, and you might have noticed, but there are a lot of stories that do not use indents too. This might be a better option instead of having it looking crooked and uneven as shown in the picture below (red line).
Foreword/Description (8/10):
I feel that the description has an impact, but I also think that it is awkwardly phrased for some reason. This is what I would suggest: 'White Day: a holiday full of disappointments, annoying couples, loneliness, and most of all... Chocolates.' In a series of objects, it would be better for all to have the same form; say, plural. 'The damn chocolates' is not exactly wrong grammatically, but I think it sounds weird. Removing the first two words makes it sound better in my opinion. That aside, I actually really liked the content of it.
Plot/Storyline (12/20):
The plot is not exactly uncommon, although I have to say that the edible chocolate lipstick bit is unique. The thing is that, having a hot, new transfer student and being interested in each other too quickly is a very overused plot. Kissing each other when they barely know is another thing that I find highly unrealistic and also clichéd. I think that instead of a oneshot, it is more of a scenario, judging from the length and the barely-there background information itself. It is a really cute idea—if you were to develop it just a little further, it would have been a great short story. I feel that I should stress realism here. No one really kisses someone they just met (unless the setting is a club or something) and although many stories adopt this idea where in hot, cute guys are idolized, it actually does not apply in real life. Chanyeol is a fairly new student, everyone would be curious of him and check him out, but I doubt that they would throw themselves all over him. Also, it makes me wonder why Chanyeol would transfer in the middle of a school year.
Character Development (20/30):
Not much things to talk about here considering the length. I am glad that the main character is not a Mary Sue. Usually in the stories where a hot, new guy is introduced in front of the class, the main character is the only one unaffected in the class. Here in your story, though, you did state that she blushes and thinks that Chanyeol is a great catch. Her relationship with Sora is pretty cute too; considering that this is fiction, I can actually play their conversation in my head. The thing is that I feel Chanyeol is way too perfect here. Again, it may have to do with the short length, but he seems like he has no particular flaws or anything. He is way too swift in the last scene—I assure you that no one in real life would be able to act so cool and execute that move. It is fiction, though, so it is pretty understandable. I would suggest to be more realistic in your future writings. I think it is nicer to be able to relate to a story than to just sigh because when will that ever happen to me. Elaborate more about their traits, appearance and background all in all.
Use of Language / Mechanics (17/20):
You have both a great grammar and a great way with words. The only thing I have to say is to minimize the use of the word 'pabo' because I think using 'fool' or 'idiot' would be better. Honestly, using a Korean term aside from the common honorifics disrupts the whole thing for me; especially since you overused it. You should also try to use variety of styles when it comes to the dialogues. What I mean is that, instead of simply having an action follow a speech, do it the other way around. As an example, instead of: '"What are you doing here?" He asked me.' try 'He gave me a weird look. "What are you doing here?"' There are a lot of structures you can experiment with. Try a variety of them and alternate as to not make the whole thing seem plain. Also, try to minimize dialogues and use sentences to express a thought instead. Those are just suggestions, however, I have to repeat once again that you are a great writer already overall!
Flow (5/10):
As I have mentioned above, I feel that you are going way too fast with the whole thing. It is something that I personally think will not happen in real life. If you want to keep it as a oneshot, then just lengthen it; there is no word limit to a oneshot. I have read one that reaches up to 20k words. I do not know how to help in making the flow better—there is nothing you can do aside from elaborating more, which leads to the second option of revamping the whole story. The idea is pretty unrealistic from the start, so I would advice you to slow it down.
Reader's View/Enjoyment:
Personally, I am not exactly a fan of the story. I do find it cute, but the fact that it is so, so, so unrealistic kind of kills it for me. To be honest, I cringed at some parts because I just cannot take how cheesy it is. Another thing is that I am pretty much a neat freak and I really dislike messy formats (you are uploading from mobile, but this can still be prevented). I have mentioned it above how some people might just stop halfway while reading because of frustration when trying to read it, and I am one of those people. You have a great grammar, and not everyone is blessed with that. I think you should take better advantage of it by simply elaborating and basically writing more instead of just being straightforward. It is a unique idea to begin with (I mean, who thinks of chocolate lipstick?). If you do make these changes, I am sure your story will be more appealing and much more easier to read!
Final Score: (67/100)
Additional Comments:
i'm sorry for the delay in reviewing ; u ; i have to apologize if you find the review too harsh or if anything i said offended you o n o i'll repeat that you have great writing and i will be looking forward to more from you! make sure to elaborate, write more than just obvious details, make sure your characters have noticeable flaws. it is a cute idea and i like it! i hope this review helps you one way or another <33 if you think it is, please do give this shop a little upvote! that'd be much appreciated ;;; remember to comment and credit the shop after picking up! we hope to see you around o u o
Review Credit to kintoun from ♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪
im sorry for the delay. school is just ughh. I can't make any promises, but I will aim to finish the two reviews in progress by the end of the month x.x
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