♪ My Brother's Bestfriend by Queensabelle
♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪ | Reviews and Recs [CLOSED for requests & READ CH. 37]EXO || OC Story
romance | school life
Chapter | Ongoing
Reviewed up to Chapter 6
Reviewed by hopexdreams
by JJCC
Title (2/5):
Your title was appropriate, however it is too overused. There are many other stories with the same title and this won't attract many readers to read your story. You could choose some other title which is not that overused, yet it still fits the story.
Appearance (3/5):
Your poster and background are okay since you used a lot of pastel colors in your story.
Foreward/Description (5/10):
You should've included a small content from your first chapter in your foreword, just to let your readers have an insight on what your fanfic is about. It will also create some suspence in your readers if you do that.
This is actually my pet peeve, and probably others' pet peeve too, but character profiles should never be in a story. The readers are supposed to know the personalities of each and every character through the chapters, their actions, and their words, and not by adjectives and description.
There were also several grammar errors in your description.
What it could've been =
"What will happen, if you're stuck with your brother's bestfriend as his fiance?"
Arranged marriage never happened in her life before.
She broke up with her boyfriend a few days ago, and now she's engaged to her brother's best friend?!
To her, her brother's best friend is a boring guy.
He doesn't socialize much and he has the worst manners anyone could ever imagine.
Yet, he's the most popular guy in Woolim High School.
What will happen, if Park Chan Yeol's little sister,
Park Ji Eun, is stuck with Byun Baek Hyun as his fiance?
The bold/underlined words are the words I corrected. Other than that, I love the trailer and the layouts you used.
Plot/Storyline (12/20):
I actually like the idea of arranged marriage, however it seems to be everywhere nowadays. The idea is too cliche and unrealistic, as there were barely any realistic scenes. Although readers and probably you yourself love cute scenes, there should be more realistic scenes. Try adding more twists, to make your story stand out from all those EXOmemberxOC arranged marriage fics. The twist of Baek Hyun being the rude and boring guy was the part that made the story intriguing to me.
However, I think that it is your language that prevented your story from having detailed and interesting descriptions. As an example, you should put write more on Ji Eun and Min Hyuk's relationship, as from the first chapter, it seems as though they were together for some time and just broke up all of a sudden. You should include how Min Hyuk tends to treat her coldly and rudely, as though she is not his girlfriend, yet she treats him so lovingly and forgives him despite everything that he has done to her. This would be of great help for the readers to hate Min Hyuk, and to understand Ji Eun's love for Min Hyuk. Your second chapter was slightly confusing, because you didn't make the readers realise about Ji Eun's undying love for Min Hyuk but you wrote that she defended Min Hyuk when EXO wanted to beat him up.
You also need to work on Baek Hyun and Ji Eun's relationship before they knew that they were engaged to each other. They didn't seem to communicate with each other, yet they hate each other so much.
Other than that, your story has potential. Hwaiting!
Character Development (17/30):
As I have mentioned above, there should be more on Ji Eun and Min Hyuk's relationship before they broke up, and also Ji Eun and Baek Hyun's relationship before they were betrothed. From what I read in the foreword, you stated all the good qualities in her, and she seems to be a down to earth girl in the fic. You should add some bad qualities in her as nobody is perfect, and she seem like a Mary Sue.
Use of Language / Mechanics (13/20):
If you are going to use romanizations, spell it right. This could be a turn off to readers, especially the picky ones.
Boh - > Bwoh Andwe - > Andwae Arraso -> Arraseo Chebal - > Jebal
Here are some of the errors I encountered when I read your story.
Chapter 1 :
Lee Min Hyuk was the vice-captain of basketball team. Under the team name “BTOB”.
Lee Min Hyuk was the vice-captain of the basketball team under the team name “BTOB”.
Chapter 2 :
Min Hyuk turned and walk away.
Min Hyuk turned and walked away.
Chapter 3 :
Your eyes look swallon! - Mispelled swollen.
Chapter 4 :
Stop stampping the ground.. - Mispelled stomping.
Baekhyun angrily came out of his car and pull Ji eun's arm.
Baekhyun angrily came out of his car and pulled Ji Eun's arm.
Chapter 5 :
Mrs. Park laugh softly.
Mrs. Park laughed softly.
Chapter 6 :
missess - Mispelled misses.
I wouldn't be listing out all your mistakes, or you'll never learn that way. Other than that, I love your writing style. You don't need to elaborate on what you are writing about, yet it is easy to understand.
Flow (6/10):
Your flow was really smooth, but you need to elaborate more about Ji Eun and Min Hyuk's relationship, and about Ji Eun and Baekhyun's dislike towards each other.
Reader’s View / Enjoyment:
Although this story and its overall idea is very cliche, I'm sure many readers enjoyed reading your story judging on the number of subscribers. I love Ji Eun's relationship with EXO and Chanyeol. It's really sweet.
Final Score: (58/100)
Additional Comments:
I'm really sorry I listed very few grammar mistakes. I actually listed out like 5 in a chapter but I had to remove a lot cause if I didn't, you wouldn't be able to read after Flow. I think this story doesn't really need a lot of changes, it's interesting already. You should have a beta reader, but it's not that neccessary despite the grammar mistakes because the mistakes are not that much of a turn-off. I'd love to see you someday as a better author!
Review Credit to hopexdreams from ♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪
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