Title (4.5/5):
The title was cute and enticing! It did grab my attention as it is a funny-sounding title so I think I would have checked it out if it was in the sea of stories on AFF. Very unique and it did have its relevance to the story. It was super cute how she got the name Panko-chan, because she was so oblivious and called herself Panko-chan when Baekhyun’s mom asked who she was. It was super funny and I couldn’t help but smile. And how you incorporated it in the ending was just a really fluffy, comedical feeling stirring in my stomach. Haha. Great job overall with the title ^^
 

Appearance (3.5/5):
This is just my opinion but I just feel like the poster is a bit too big. I would like to suggest that you resize the poster but that’s all up to you. Usually poster sizes are around dimension of 400-500 x 600-750. I feel like anything more than that kind of becomes a nuisance. The poster itself is simple, and a little on the messier end. This is just my suggestion but when I saw the title, I was thinking PINK for some reason LOL. Perhaps changing even the color scheme might boost up the visuals for your story but again, this is just my opinion so please don’t take it personally. The background fit the story overall. I liked the blend of dark pink to light pink. Your font stayed fairly consistent and I thought it was a good appearance overall.

Foreward/Description (6.5/10):
Regardless of the grammatical errors, I did like the poem. It followed a rhyme scheme and I found it fun to read ^^ And I liked how you incorporated Hayao Miyazaki’s quote. I am a big fan of his works as well. I thought it was really creative and you did really well in writing such short poem. Maybe you can try single spacing the lines in between each stanza, though. It looks a little messy and long so people may not be enticed to read it. Your forward just seemed like an author’s note, which is fine. However, I would like to suggest that it might look better if you leave the definition of Panko-chan and Hayao Miyazaki’s quote in the Description, and the poem in the forward section. For any further author’s notes, you could simply add the horizontal line and add your notes as well. But yeah, again, this is just my opinion ^^

Plot/Storyline (15/20):
I would say the story line isn’t the most original, but for a oneshot I thought it was rather cute and you kept it to your style. For example, you showed how Menchu had her own character which added to the story and you added little details like her repeating her mom’s advice on crossing the white lines and whatnot. The chain of events was a bit disorganized, though. Using a similar, or exact same, scenario at different time points isn’t new, but you definitely added to it. The tone you set for your story was definitely very carefree and simple. It kind of reminded me of those kid TV shows where everything is filled with such levity. It was pretty great. Baekhyun saving her as a ten year old and getting ice cream for her with his charms could be plausible, but at the same time it seems a bit exaggerated. Maybe if you added a bit more details as to the way he charmed the other girl to give him her ice cream, it would be more visual. Also, I just couldn’t see how Baekhyun would just steal a random passerby’s keychain. It was a bit hard to picture this in my head. However, it was a big component to the overall story as it was a gift from a random boy that Menchu met, it was a symbol that basically represented herself as a character, and it was a foreshadowing element that gave us something to anticipate for. Overall, I feel like there were a bit vague moments but it was a rather simple and cute story line.

Character Development (17/30):
Your one shot focuses on two specific characters: Menchu and Baekhyun. I do understand that it is a one-shot but it doesn’t hurt to give a bit more details on the characters. I also get that this story is supposed to carry that light and carefree tone, which you did amazing on, but when reading the story and trying to grasp Menchu and Baekhyun, they sound a bit 2-dimensional. Young Menchu is very fixated on what she wants that she doesn’t really care about her surroundings until it is too late. Even after Baekhyun saved her, she only seemed so focused on her mission to get ice cream. She’s a very sweet and cute character, but at the same time, a bit bland. As she grows up and faces the same situation, I feel her levity carried over from her childhood years to now. She’s just older, aha. Also, instead of giving a well-rounded characterization of Menchu (and even Baekhyun), you tend to just be direct and straightforward. This is fine, but it also makes the story and the characters VERY predictable. I did like the ending where she admitted that she really is a Panko-chan for not even realizing her savior is Baekhyun and that her mom ended the story by telling her to close . That was creative and rather funny, haha ^^

Then we have Baekhyun. Cute little Baekhyun saves little Menchu’s life and befriends her this way, only to “die” in front of her eyes a few minutes later. This part just wasn’t plausible and was definitely hard to grasp. And the fact that he miraculously survived and ended up saving Menchu again was just a little bit out of hand. On Baekhyun’s part, I feel like a lot more development could have occurred. How did he just miraculously appear out of nowhere? There must have been news that Baekhyun was alive in the past events if he was such a famous artist, but in your story, it just makes it sound like Baekhyun resurrected that day and became a famous artist. MAYBE it could help if you made some changes to the headline of the article. Something like, Famous artist, Byun Baekhyun, saves a random passerby. And then maybe provide like a little insight into the article reminding the public that he was the one who survived the accident a decade ago. Then having it dawn on Menchu after she put two and two together….do you see where I am going? It’s like a chain event rather than have random successeions…Anyways, other than that, I thought your characters were really humourous to incorporate into your story and you did a fair job at it :)

Use of Language / Mechanics (13/20):
Your use of language was rather plain and straightforward. It was legible and acutally it was quite good overall. It was just a bit elementary. Regardless, I would like to point out that there were times when you have verb tense inconsistencies as you switch from past tense to present tense sporadically throughout the story. You did a great job with comma and the basic punctuation. There were a couple misplaced commas, but in the overall sense you did quite well with your punctuation placements. The periods that end a quotation should be replaced with a comma though when they have something that follows after the quotes. For example:

What is written:

“Uuugggh~ what’s your name? I’m Baekhyun.” The boy, named Baekhyun tried changing the topic…

What it should be:

“Uuugggh~ what’s your name? I’m Baekhyun,” The boy, named Baekhyun, tried changing the topic…

The grammatical errors may require some tweaking but in the overall sense, you did a fine job :)

Flow (4/10):
The flow was a bit too rushed. It seemed like you had trouble linking one event after another since the story appeared to be choppy. There were particular moments in the story that may not happen in real life so I feel like a lot more detail would be necessary to back up the situation to make it occur. For example, the part where Baekhyun tried to get free ice-cream from a random girl who already bought her ice cream. As much as charm is his power, I highly doubt that just by saying please and showing some aegyo, he will get his way. Unless the girl he was asking was a lot older than him. Again, providing some details would give more perspective, which will allow the story to flow a lot smoother.

Reader's View/Enjoyment:
I actually liked this little snippet. There wasn’t any love or romance, but rather a cute and carefree moment between two people. Disregarding the tweaks I mentioned above, I feel like this story definitely has a lot of potential if you decide to add a little more details. Readers in general might find this story cute, but the grammar and simple word usages may drive them away, so if you fix up on that, this story is rather awesome ^^
 

Final Score: (63.5/100)

Additional Comments:
I will just summarize things that I have said up there. Just remember that to add a few more details here and there, especially in parts where you think may not occur as easily in real life. Girl getting saved by a guy is so cliché that it may not be real…thus with some little additions, you need to make it real. Guy getting free ice cream by simply begging may not occur in real life either, and it depends on the perspective as well. Someone the same age as Baekhyun may not be willing to give up her icecream so easily as someone who is maybe a couple years older than Baekhyun. The moment of truth where Baekhyun comes back alive is also something to look out for as well. These are just instances that I have pointed out earlier, but there are more scenarios where more details could make the story more plausible and a lot more amusing to read. It could most definitely also help out with the flow as well. Oh, I almost forgot. Remember that your poster is a bit too big for the reader’s liking…or my liking. I don’t know how you feel about large posters, but when a poster fills up a lot of the story, I just can’t help but be driven away, so maybe try resizing it down to a smaller size? Yeah…other than that, your story is great. I really hope this review helped you. I apologize for the extreme lateness. I have been crazy busy with exams, but I am back! Please help me out and upvote if you feel like I have done a good job. Be sure to comment after you have seen your review and CREDIT the shop. Thank you for requesting at Midnight Sonata Café!

Review Credit to momodays09 from ♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪