♪ Michael by Moony_Kat
♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪ | Reviews and Recs [CLOSED for requests & READ CH. 37]
by Moony_Kat
MULTIPLE || OC
Angst | Romance | AU
Chaptered | Completed
Reviewed up to Chapter 22
Reviewed by kintoun
MULTIPLE || OC
Angst | Romance | AU
Chaptered | Completed
Reviewed up to Chapter 22
Reviewed by kintoun
♪ STAR STAR STAR
by GIRLS' GENERATION
by GIRLS' GENERATION
Title (4/5):
The title does not necessarily attract audiences, but I personally think that it is a great title, seeing as how it is heavily related to the story itself. The readers are not told about the meaning until the last two chapters, but once they found out, it hits them with great impact. It is like you finally solved a puzzle; I personally think this is a great thing.
Appearance (5/5):
You have both a poster and a background, which is great. I am not going to evaluate them because I am no professional in that area. I have to say that your story is really neat in format and appearance both. Usually I am not a big fan of using layouts and colors, no matter how miniscule, in a story. The thing is that the layout you use is kept neat, so it does not serve as an eyesore. I really appreciate the constant font throughout the story; I think both the font and size are easy to read and this is a great quality to have.
Foreword/Description (9/10):
In my opinion both the foreword and the description in your story is nice—I feel that you are using both sections the way they are supposed to be used. Neither are too long nor too short, and you gave a good amount of detail without revealing everything inside the story. It is a great introduction to your story and if I did click on your story accidentally and end up reading it, I might consider reading the whole thing as well. I do, however, have just a little problem with the writing style there, but that will be elaborated down in its respective section.
Plot/Storyline (16/20):
First of all, I would like to say that it is a great plot to work with, although I find it very confusing at times. It is an original plot; nothing I have not seen before, but still pretty original if I do say so myself. I just feel that some things are left in the dark and needs more elaboration, considering the fact that I had to reread multiple times because I just cannot grasp what you mean sometimes. Things just keep on happening one after another here, and there are quite a lot of unrealistic things going on here and there. There is that one scene where they had to share tents? I know that this happens a lot in dramas, but it just makes me cringe because the idea is pretty overused. Also, the development of feelings between the three. It may have to do with the fact that they had some sort of a 'past' between each other that they find themselves liking each other so fast, but it is just really weird that Ahyeong could simply get over her crush for Jaejoong and like Gunwoo afterwards. To me, it kind of feels as if Ahyeong is taking advantage of Gunwoo or something and I hated her at one point.
Towards the end, it gets rather confusing. Did Ahyeong 'die' because she accepted Gunwoo's confession (Chapter 18)? Why did her heart suddenly hurt (Chapter 18)? How did Ahyeong change completely; is it because she awakened her past self (Chapter 21)? Or is it that she was just pretending (Chapter 21)? How did she turn into a baby; is it her plan (Chapter 21)? There are a lot of things that I have to go back and reread before I can comprehend it. I think you progress a little too fast in the parts where you actually need to be slow. Jaejoong's 'death', as an example. I could have easily missed it if I were to skim that part because his death was literally written in just a few sentences. These all aside, I actually really liked the ending. I think it is the perfect ending to such a story, although it kind of feels like you wrapped it up in a bit of a haste. Overall, it is a pretty solid idea—it is a great story.
Character Development (21/30):
I honestly do not know where to start in this part. Even now, I still could not grasp any of the characters well enough. In my opinion, everyone is confusing. It is as if everyone has two sides to them and it just leaves me frustrated at times. As for Ahyeong, she seems like your typical heroine. She has this very slight Mary Sue impression at first, although upon further read this is proved to be false. Gunwoo, on the other hand, acts differently when around her for some reason. Jaejoong is the one with literally two personalities, while Insoo... I do not know what to say about him. He seems pretty cute until you mentioned him being a betrayer. Everything is like a jumble of traits and I have to say that I am confused.
The thing about the way you write your conversations is that it does not seem realistic at all. They talk as if it is scripted, and I have to say that most of the dialogues they have and the words they use to speak to each other are not those that can be easily seen in real life. You did not enable the text selection, which you are supposed to do, so I cannot put the excerpt here, but I am talking about Junhyun and Ahyeong's conversation from the first chapter. It is not a conversation that will happen between brothers and sisters in real life, in my opinion. You used words that sounds way too formal and detached for siblings. "Why won't you let me take you away from this Hell? It consumes you. You're so tired, sister. Please, please let me take you to some other place!" It does not sound like something a brother would say to a sister at all—although that may have to do with your writing style in general. What I have to say here is that you should test the words in your tongue, say it in your mind and wonder if it is something that someone will say in this kind of situation. If I were to revise it, this is how I would write it: "Come on, I'll take you away from this Hell. Look at you. I know you're tired, so let me take you to another place, hmm?" But then again, that may be just me, and I might be the one misunderstanding the whole thing, so I will apologize if any of this does not apply to you.
Use of Language / Mechanics (17/20):
Your writing style is like that of a book's. It is nice although it also seems rather flat, plain and boring depending on the reader's preferences. I do not find anything particularly wrong in this section, as your writing style is your writing style, and I do not have much to complain about. There are a few things that I think can be served as an advice for you, though.
First, I noticed this in your foreword, but you used the word 'And' repetitively to start sentences. 'And' is not supposed to start a sentence, although there are exceptions if you want to create emphasis. It is okay if you use it once in a scene, but to use it thrice is a bit too much, it just ends up sounding like: "And she is born. And she lives. And she dies." This makes the whole thing seem rather choppy and I would advise you to pay attention to repetitions. The repetitive use of words, when noticeable, gives off a rather bad impression. You could try to search the dictionary for synonyms or simply rephrase it to solve the case. This also applies to your use of exclamation mark (!). The use of exclamation mark automatically makes the reader raise their voice towards the end and this is okay in conversations, especially if it is about fighting. The thing is you used it in the writing itself, like 'The university is a crowded place for sure!' I find the use of it unnecessary here. It would be better off ended with a simple period.
The next thing I would like to talk about is the shift of point of views in the story. I am not a fan of shifts in POVs, especially since you are writing in third person, and you can easily use it as an advantage to talk about different characters instead of switching to first person for each characters. Try to keep it constant when it comes to this point. If you are going with the third person, go all the way with it. If you want to go with first person, choose one character and do not shift from one character to another. It just serves as a confusion that way. There are not much things to talk about here because you are already a great writer to begin with. It is nice to see that you elaborate on a lot of things, although at some points it may lack more descriptions. You have a great style in writing—a book-style, as I have mentioned above. It has its own appeals, as it sounds formal and all instead of the usual light-hearted way of writing we adopt here. Be sure to not carry it to the conversations itself to keep it real, though!
Flow (7/10):
I feel that sometimes you move too fast but most of the time the flow is just right. It feels a little rushed in the last few chapters. It is supposed to be a climatic moment, with the 'awakening' of Ahyeong and all, and it would be better to have it in at least a few more paragraphs to explain the background and her relationship with Jaejoong and her other self instead of just talking about it in a few paragraphs and getting it over with. It would have been much better if you gave more descriptions here instead of just brushing past it and going ahead with the ending. That aside, the flow is great.
Reader's View/Enjoyment:
I found myself stopping at some parts and groaning because I just do not get what you were talking about and I had to fight the urge to just stop reading. I think that your story lacks the appeal to keep a reader's attention, although that may only apply to me; personally, I find it rather boring in some parts. It is just that it causes a lot of questions and confusions in my part, although I am not sure if it is because of my lack of comprehension skills or because of the lack of elaboration in the story itself. It really is great; perhaps readers who are into these kind of stories would appreciate it more.
Final Score: (79/100)
Additional Comments:
i'm really sorry for the delay in reviewing ; u ; i'll have to tell you that the story is an enjoyable read, just that it's confusing in some parts (i'm getting repetitive here aren't i). again, that may have to do with me personally and the fact that my brain's limited comprehension skills. for some reason, however, i really, really liked the ending. there's this distinct something in it that somehow just ties everything up together. and i think it's really sweet and cute—the last line hit me so hard, btw ;;;; i hope i didn't offend you or anything and that this review is a little helpful at least. if you think it is, please do give this shop a little upvote! c; remember to comment and credit the shop after picking up! ; u ; we hope to see you again soon <33
Review Credit to kintoun from ♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪
The title does not necessarily attract audiences, but I personally think that it is a great title, seeing as how it is heavily related to the story itself. The readers are not told about the meaning until the last two chapters, but once they found out, it hits them with great impact. It is like you finally solved a puzzle; I personally think this is a great thing.
Appearance (5/5):
You have both a poster and a background, which is great. I am not going to evaluate them because I am no professional in that area. I have to say that your story is really neat in format and appearance both. Usually I am not a big fan of using layouts and colors, no matter how miniscule, in a story. The thing is that the layout you use is kept neat, so it does not serve as an eyesore. I really appreciate the constant font throughout the story; I think both the font and size are easy to read and this is a great quality to have.
Foreword/Description (9/10):
In my opinion both the foreword and the description in your story is nice—I feel that you are using both sections the way they are supposed to be used. Neither are too long nor too short, and you gave a good amount of detail without revealing everything inside the story. It is a great introduction to your story and if I did click on your story accidentally and end up reading it, I might consider reading the whole thing as well. I do, however, have just a little problem with the writing style there, but that will be elaborated down in its respective section.
Plot/Storyline (16/20):
First of all, I would like to say that it is a great plot to work with, although I find it very confusing at times. It is an original plot; nothing I have not seen before, but still pretty original if I do say so myself. I just feel that some things are left in the dark and needs more elaboration, considering the fact that I had to reread multiple times because I just cannot grasp what you mean sometimes. Things just keep on happening one after another here, and there are quite a lot of unrealistic things going on here and there. There is that one scene where they had to share tents? I know that this happens a lot in dramas, but it just makes me cringe because the idea is pretty overused. Also, the development of feelings between the three. It may have to do with the fact that they had some sort of a 'past' between each other that they find themselves liking each other so fast, but it is just really weird that Ahyeong could simply get over her crush for Jaejoong and like Gunwoo afterwards. To me, it kind of feels as if Ahyeong is taking advantage of Gunwoo or something and I hated her at one point.
Towards the end, it gets rather confusing. Did Ahyeong 'die' because she accepted Gunwoo's confession (Chapter 18)? Why did her heart suddenly hurt (Chapter 18)? How did Ahyeong change completely; is it because she awakened her past self (Chapter 21)? Or is it that she was just pretending (Chapter 21)? How did she turn into a baby; is it her plan (Chapter 21)? There are a lot of things that I have to go back and reread before I can comprehend it. I think you progress a little too fast in the parts where you actually need to be slow. Jaejoong's 'death', as an example. I could have easily missed it if I were to skim that part because his death was literally written in just a few sentences. These all aside, I actually really liked the ending. I think it is the perfect ending to such a story, although it kind of feels like you wrapped it up in a bit of a haste. Overall, it is a pretty solid idea—it is a great story.
Character Development (21/30):
I honestly do not know where to start in this part. Even now, I still could not grasp any of the characters well enough. In my opinion, everyone is confusing. It is as if everyone has two sides to them and it just leaves me frustrated at times. As for Ahyeong, she seems like your typical heroine. She has this very slight Mary Sue impression at first, although upon further read this is proved to be false. Gunwoo, on the other hand, acts differently when around her for some reason. Jaejoong is the one with literally two personalities, while Insoo... I do not know what to say about him. He seems pretty cute until you mentioned him being a betrayer. Everything is like a jumble of traits and I have to say that I am confused.
The thing about the way you write your conversations is that it does not seem realistic at all. They talk as if it is scripted, and I have to say that most of the dialogues they have and the words they use to speak to each other are not those that can be easily seen in real life. You did not enable the text selection, which you are supposed to do, so I cannot put the excerpt here, but I am talking about Junhyun and Ahyeong's conversation from the first chapter. It is not a conversation that will happen between brothers and sisters in real life, in my opinion. You used words that sounds way too formal and detached for siblings. "Why won't you let me take you away from this Hell? It consumes you. You're so tired, sister. Please, please let me take you to some other place!" It does not sound like something a brother would say to a sister at all—although that may have to do with your writing style in general. What I have to say here is that you should test the words in your tongue, say it in your mind and wonder if it is something that someone will say in this kind of situation. If I were to revise it, this is how I would write it: "Come on, I'll take you away from this Hell. Look at you. I know you're tired, so let me take you to another place, hmm?" But then again, that may be just me, and I might be the one misunderstanding the whole thing, so I will apologize if any of this does not apply to you.
Use of Language / Mechanics (17/20):
Your writing style is like that of a book's. It is nice although it also seems rather flat, plain and boring depending on the reader's preferences. I do not find anything particularly wrong in this section, as your writing style is your writing style, and I do not have much to complain about. There are a few things that I think can be served as an advice for you, though.
First, I noticed this in your foreword, but you used the word 'And' repetitively to start sentences. 'And' is not supposed to start a sentence, although there are exceptions if you want to create emphasis. It is okay if you use it once in a scene, but to use it thrice is a bit too much, it just ends up sounding like: "And she is born. And she lives. And she dies." This makes the whole thing seem rather choppy and I would advise you to pay attention to repetitions. The repetitive use of words, when noticeable, gives off a rather bad impression. You could try to search the dictionary for synonyms or simply rephrase it to solve the case. This also applies to your use of exclamation mark (!). The use of exclamation mark automatically makes the reader raise their voice towards the end and this is okay in conversations, especially if it is about fighting. The thing is you used it in the writing itself, like 'The university is a crowded place for sure!' I find the use of it unnecessary here. It would be better off ended with a simple period.
The next thing I would like to talk about is the shift of point of views in the story. I am not a fan of shifts in POVs, especially since you are writing in third person, and you can easily use it as an advantage to talk about different characters instead of switching to first person for each characters. Try to keep it constant when it comes to this point. If you are going with the third person, go all the way with it. If you want to go with first person, choose one character and do not shift from one character to another. It just serves as a confusion that way. There are not much things to talk about here because you are already a great writer to begin with. It is nice to see that you elaborate on a lot of things, although at some points it may lack more descriptions. You have a great style in writing—a book-style, as I have mentioned above. It has its own appeals, as it sounds formal and all instead of the usual light-hearted way of writing we adopt here. Be sure to not carry it to the conversations itself to keep it real, though!
Flow (7/10):
I feel that sometimes you move too fast but most of the time the flow is just right. It feels a little rushed in the last few chapters. It is supposed to be a climatic moment, with the 'awakening' of Ahyeong and all, and it would be better to have it in at least a few more paragraphs to explain the background and her relationship with Jaejoong and her other self instead of just talking about it in a few paragraphs and getting it over with. It would have been much better if you gave more descriptions here instead of just brushing past it and going ahead with the ending. That aside, the flow is great.
Reader's View/Enjoyment:
I found myself stopping at some parts and groaning because I just do not get what you were talking about and I had to fight the urge to just stop reading. I think that your story lacks the appeal to keep a reader's attention, although that may only apply to me; personally, I find it rather boring in some parts. It is just that it causes a lot of questions and confusions in my part, although I am not sure if it is because of my lack of comprehension skills or because of the lack of elaboration in the story itself. It really is great; perhaps readers who are into these kind of stories would appreciate it more.
Final Score: (79/100)
Additional Comments:
i'm really sorry for the delay in reviewing ; u ; i'll have to tell you that the story is an enjoyable read, just that it's confusing in some parts (i'm getting repetitive here aren't i). again, that may have to do with me personally and the fact that my brain's limited comprehension skills. for some reason, however, i really, really liked the ending. there's this distinct something in it that somehow just ties everything up together. and i think it's really sweet and cute—the last line hit me so hard, btw ;;;; i hope i didn't offend you or anything and that this review is a little helpful at least. if you think it is, please do give this shop a little upvote! c; remember to comment and credit the shop after picking up! ; u ; we hope to see you again soon <33
Review Credit to kintoun from ♪♫ Midnight Sonata Café ♫♪
im sorry for the delay. school is just ughh. I can't make any promises, but I will aim to finish the two reviews in progress by the end of the month x.x
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