(Ost- When I was by your side by Toy)

They played a song and the microphones were switched off. The member’s eyes were staring at me. “What are you doing?” Chorong unnie whispered.

“Don’t worry,” Eunji unnie interjected which I was relieved for. “Naeun knows what she is doing don’t you?”

I didn’t know how to answer. I’d just said on the radio that my feelings for Taemin haven’t changed. If anyone but the celebrities really knew what this meant… I could be handing myself a lot of trouble.

Trouble came in four words and a popular topic on search engines.

‘Naeun could like Taemin?’

 The other members couldn’t believe it and they gave me no sympathy or comfort. It was one of the very few times where I felt that they let me down.

“Well… Your comment has caused a rise in your anti-café,” Saeeun remarked in a rather positive voice much to my annoyance. “Ten thousand members joined within the past day.”

“You’re supposed to be my dongsaeng yet you’re treating me like this!” I exclaimed wanting to cry. There was a pause on the end of the line.

“Sorry unnie… I guess I wasn’t thinking of your feelings.  Does it make you think back to that time?”

I had no idea what she meant. “What time are you talking about?”

She hesitated with one syllable. “Ah… W-when you and Taemin ended your run on the show. You were in a pretty unhappy state of mind back then as well.”

I wanted to hang up. No one likes the end of their run on a show. We were dreading our end on the show. It came as a complete bolt out of the blue.

Ω
 

January 4 2014

The doorbell ringing interrupted our conversation. “Ah someone is here,” I said as he got to his feet.

“Who could it be?”

Maybe it would tell us what we would be doing today. Surely there would be some fun date planned by the staff. He retrieved the mission card and joined me on the couch. Leaning against the back of the chair I sat there with a smile, wanting to glimpse what was written.

And then my smile faded. He didn’t speak for a moment either. Eventually both of us gave rather awkward smiles as we became animated again.
“First love, first love!” It was amazing what amused my husband.

“It’s a movie ticket,” I pointed out, with the barcode, date, time and the location. We did our best to focus on that. Not what the mission card said.

“What is this, is it a joke?”

“I don’t know.”

He passed it to me. “Is it real? You try reading it.”

“To the youngster couple, today your virtual marriage will end. After taking your stuff from the We Got Married Village have your last date at the movie theatre.”

I tried to make light humour of it. “Was it sent by mistake to us?”

“They said to take our stuff. The lease has ended.” He said it so pitifully that it was funny. But the laughter couldn’t last for long.

“It’s really ending,” Taemin said. “What do we do?”

It was now starting to sink in more with me. “It must really be ending. It feels strange… right.”

He was avoiding my gaze now and chose to look elsewhere. Neither of us knew what to say like we had mentioned before. We had to take up the painful task of separating what we had once shared. It was almost like a slow transition up the final stage. The stage we were looking forward to the least.

Ω

After packing away our things it was time to head the movies where we would have our final moments on camera together.

“What movie is it?”

“First love,” he answered as we slowly entered the screening area. Our eyes opened wide at the plush, red leathered seats in pairs. “Whoa this is my first time seeing something like this.”

“You’ve really never been here?”

Sitting down he gave me a goblet and poured some wine from our time in ‘Spain’. We’d pressed those grapes ourselves! The screen lit up and a sweet melody played. Yellow blossoms appeared floating in a breeze as the story began.

“What is this?” Taemin said in disbelief upon suddenly appearing on screen.

Ah so it was a film about us. I sat there mesmerised, sipping my drink through a straw.

“It was spring,” he remarked merrily. It showed us the part where we greeted each other.

“Oh how awkward,” and when he asked on the screen, “how am I?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. It moved on to our school date, when we cooked in our house, all of which made me smile.

It came to when I had learned to cook his favourite dish for s. “Was it really?” I asked after he said how touched he was. His smile was hidden by his raised forearm.

At our first hug we managed to find it hilarious. “Look at your expression; your expression!” He laughed while I hit him on the arm in embarrassment at my dead pan face. Grabbing my hand oppa then added, “If you hated it you should have told me!”

More shame came as they showed me performing for him. “Why is this coming out? Block your ears hurry! Block your ears, block your ears!” I turned my head. “I don’t want you to see this.”

“Get a grip Naeun,” he told me completely amused by the scene. This was the guy I had been set up in a television marriage with!

Ω

A lot of it brought us down memory road. We couldn’t speak as we watched the Heyri scene, his written proposal, our traditional wedding attended by our close friends and finally the firework display. When the final words had left we were left in a dim lit room, the final moments starting to tick by.

He turned to me. “I think that it has really hit me that it has finished…” I nodded, my eyes blurring.

“I think I know why people say they saw their first love… It really is that feeling.”

I felt it too. Looking back I was able to reflect positively on the Heyri incident, a scene that had been negatively etched in my mind like red crosses on a school quiz. We stayed seated, standing would have ended it.

“What?” He saw my face.

“Just… It’s a shame…” I had more to say, but getting me to express it now was proving hard.

Taemin took his chance to speak. “You’ve been through a lot. I dunno. I could have done better… I think my methods were clumsy too… Hold on.” His voice had gotten softer and sounded as though he was carrying a lot of burdens. “I’m thinking, ‘Oh I should do better,’ I wanted to be better but… Like I told you, I really can’t say things like, ‘I missed you.’ But when I resolved myself to say those things to you, I couldn’t. Those kinds of things I regret… That I was so clumsy.”

I had to turn away; my vision was starting to blur more. Eventually when I did look back I stared at the floor. The tears started falling
“Why are you crying?”

Sniffing I made myself lift my head. “Huh, I’m not crying. It’s because I’m happy.”

He held my hand, comforting me “Hey… We said we’d smile when we’d part.”

“I’m sorry,” I responded using my fingers to dab my eyes. “I really meant not to cry.”  It was true; I had wanted to remain happy and joyous. However my heart had something else in mind.

We sat silently for a while stuck in the dread and sadness. He waited for me to calm down before speaking. “Is there anything you want from me?” He asked, his voice changing due to a nasal issue. “Since it is the last time?”

I had a lot to ask. All of them would have been easy for him to achieve. However I didn’t want to choose something I wouldn’t remember well. Something stood out to me, something I had been treated to before.

“Sing for me.”

He was shy to do it and nervous but he sang for me still.

Can you remember that just for me?
That I lived by your side for a while?
Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll run into you on the street.
So I make myself up in my sad mirror

It made me tear up again! He sang it with sad conviction while on the verge of breaking down. The conviction was strong as an inner mirror showing pain, grief and their crushed heart all at once.

You’re not sick are you? I worry about you so much.
You’re probably happy. But I’ll pray for you anyways.
Remember, even if you’re with someone else.
That I lived by your side for a while

I never expected him to struggle with the last parts. He choked up before he even finished, his eyes shrinking sadly. “The lyrics are sad,” he said with a small voice. I clapped alone, glad he had given it a shot. Before we finished I suggested taking a picture and him discovering the hideous part in his hair brightened the atmosphere.

“Shall I grant you one of your wishes?” I asked him, remembering that I had not given him the same courtesy.

“You’re going to grant me a wish?” He seemed to be in disbelief, with a voice sounding as though it had been on the verge of tears. “Then my wish is… Don’t be sick.”

“Oppa don’t be sick either.”

“Be healthy.”

“You too oppa,” my words felt lacking. He had given so much to me and I… I had not given much to him at all. I really regretted it then and even now.

It was time. Taking courage I held out my hand for a shake. He took it in mine and we shook.
“You’ve had a hard time.” I could only murmur something back to him, emotions strangling my voice.

I watched as his eyes filled, lips moving in and out, teeth biting down on his bottom lip. “Thank you,” he said at last and I wanted to cry.

We couldn’t let go. As we still shook our hands he held out his other one and I knew exactly what he wanted and what I needed. Reaching back I placed my arms around him, my cheek nestling against his jacket.

It wasn’t meant to be goodbye.

End Flashback

Ω

Ok I probably spent a bit too much time on their ending of We Got Married. Did anyone else cry in their last episode? (I sure did when I watched it again).