Minhyun’s POV

I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like I’m being treated different. I know I’m just being paranoid though. Coming out to Minki had been the best thing I’ve ever did. These feelings for Jonghyun had been eating at me for some time now. The other was such a goofy person. He was so pleasant to be around and I have so much fun. It was only natural I had deeper feelings wasn’t it?

Well I guess it’s not, because they’re feelings for another man, but that I just can’t control. It’s who I am. Minki had been so sweet and kind towards me, accepting me for who I am and giving me advice. Of course his advice was so simple it made me feel so stupid for not thinking of it earlier.

But even though I came out and he was accepting, I feel like he was treating me different. It wasn’t like he was treating me like I had a disease, but more like he was scrutinizing every little thing that I did. I don’t know if he was looking for what gay looked like or what, but it was starting to get annoying. Not mention, I’m very afraid his sudden change in character may alert the others and that’s not something I want the other’s to find out.

But how does one even look for something that is gay? I think what’s considered ‘gay’ is how someone perceives it. After all, Minki can do skinship with Baekho all day long, and it wasn’t considered gay. And Minki said he never even thought I was gay and I know there were times where I wasn’t very careful in keeping my feelings hidden. I guess a person can only be gay, or something can only be gay when someone is aware of it. Now that Minki was aware of it, I’m sure he’s searching hard and finding it everywhere. Hopefully, he can keep a secret.

“Minnie.” Lifting my head, I turned to the voice that called to me.

“Yeah?” I waited for a moment and soon Jonghyun appeared looking confused.

“Where are the other’s?” he asked. I shrugged. To be honest, I had no idea where the others went. Minki said something about going to beat Baekho’s at basketball. Maybe they took Aron-hyung as well. Minki was on a manly kick again. He wanted to prove his manliness to everyone. I think he was trying to prove it to himself really. I think he was manly just the way he was. Manliness was kind of like being gay, its applied differently depending on how people perceive it and many people already think he’s manly. Femininity can be manly; it shows versatility I think.

“Out. Something about basketball and beating Dongho’s .” Jonghyun stared at me before laughing, though it was a sad laugh. He had a kicked puppy look. Guess he wouldn’t have minded going. “Sorry they didn’t tell you. Where were you anyway?”

“Napping.” He said, blushing as he took a seat next to me on the couch. I don’t blame him. We’ve been so busy lately. Being an idol was work, it was a 9-5 job and sometimes it was more like a 6-4 in the morning job. It could be stressful too, that’s why days like today were always welcomed. Where there wasn’t anything to do, everyone could just relax, take naps, chill with the others. It was wonderful. “What are you reading?” he asked as he reached over, taking my book. He looked over the front cover while keep the page I was on marked.

“Fiction.” I said.

“Obviously.” Jonghyun said, rolling his eyes. He glanced over the title again before reading a part of the page and raised a brow. “It’s certainly fiction. Why are you reading a story about a gay guy?” he asked as he handed it over to me.

Oh boy. I nearly forgot that it was a gay man the story was about. Well, I guess I couldn’t really forget, considering the protagonist was kissing his love interest for the first time. “I don’t know. It sounded interesting when I bought it.” I said as I grabbed my bookmark and closed the book. “I didn’t find out until I was half way through.” Setting the book down, I the couch, lifting a leg to rest under my other one.

“So what’s your take on it?” I asked. He stared at me, cocking his head.

“What do you mean?”

“Homouality.” I said. “What’s you’re take on it?” I asked again.

“Like, what do I think about it?” Jonghyun asked. I laughed and rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

“And you completed grade school?” I teased. “Yes, what do you think about it?” I asked.

Jonghyun flashed that cheesy grin of his at me and I felt that intense heat spread through my body. He did such wonderful things to me, made me feel in such a way that I’ve never felt before. I wish so much that I could just lean over and kiss him right now. But I had to stop myself, to guard myself. Jonghyun was going to tell what he thought on gay people. I needed to wait, to know his thoughts on the matter.

“I don’t know.” He said and shrugged. “It’s not something I thought about.” He said and scratched his head. “I guess, I don’t know.” He said and laughed nervously.

I stared at Jonghyun as he spoke and smiled as I reached out and touched his shoulder. “Just speak what’s on your mind alright?” I said. He nodded and smiled.

“Okay then.” He said. “I think it’s weird honestly.” He said. “I mean, how can guys like other guys? How can they sit there and kiss and touch and…” he trailed off and shivered, making a face. “Its gross.” He said.

I felt my heart sinking at the words. But a thought crossed my mind and I knew I had to ask this question. It could save this whole situation, give me hope again. “But what about skinship?” I asked. “You and I do it together, and we do it with the others. Is that gross?”

“Well that’s different!” he said.

“How?”

“We’re friends.” Jonghyun said and grinned. “And we’re not gay. So it’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything. We’re just giving our fans what they want, bonding like brothers and having fun.” He said. Oh how wrong he was. He may not be gay, and I’m absolutely positive now that he’s not, but that doesn’t mean I’m not gay. I am and all the skinship we’ve done, it means a lot to me. To be close to Jonghyun, to touch him, to hold his hand and hug him, even carry his heavy that one time, those were the memories I cherished the most.

Hearing this from the hyung I’ve liked for so long, it was heartbreaking. I had to look away, to hide my feelings. I couldn’t let him see my disappointment, or to hear it in my voice. I took a few breaths and shrugged then.

“Good point.” I said and sighed, leaning back. There was silence between us for a while, before I felt him shift.

“Minnie, are you gay?” he asked. I turned and stared at him with wide eyes.

“What? No.” I said and laughed. “Why would you think that?” I asked.

“Well I just thought…with the book.” Jonghyun said.

“I told you, I didn’t know it was about a gay character until half way through the book.” I reminded him. “But it’s a good story.”

“Oh…”Jonghyun said and looked away, nodding. He looked back at me. “You know, I don’t really judge. If that’s who you are man, than fine.” He said.

“I said I’m not!” I protested and sighed.

“Okay, okay!” he said. “But even if you were, you would have my support, just don’t be bringing guys home. I don’t need to hear that gross .” He said.

“Oh my god hyung!” I said and stood. “You’re absolutely ridiculous, you close minded freak.” I said as I snatched my book up and started for the hall.

“Hey! I was just being open with you! It’s okay for you to be gay Minnie, just keep it behind closed doors!” he called.

I slammed my door shut and sighed heavily. That was not how I thought that conversation was going to go. It was so crazy. It went from being good, to being bad, to being unsure. Testing the waters like Minki said backfired completely. What am I supposed to make of this entire situation? He’s not gay, he thinks it’s gross to be gay, but he’s okay with me being gay as long as he doesn’t know I’m being gay?

I’m pretty sure he didn’t finish grade school with his way of thinking. Sighing, I took a seat on my bed, staring at the floor. Looking up at the clock, I groaned. I had no idea when Minki would be back but I needed to talk to him, to figure this out with him. What the hell am I going to do now?

My hopes were just shot to hell. Reaching up, I rubbed my eyes. Tears were falling as my chest tightened more at the thought. I really like Jonghyun, but my chances with him are non-existence. I don’t know how I’m going to handle working with him, living with him and liking him so damn much.

Lying back on the bed, I rolled over and buried my face into my pillows. I sobbed, trying to be as quiet as possible as I vent out my emotions. Where was Minki when I needed him?