Ren’s POV

~*~ 1 year Later~*~

Staring at myself in the mirror, I was kicking Noona so hard in my mind. Whose bright idea was it to dye my hair blond? Wasn’t it bad enough I looked feminine with brown hair, now I have to look even more girly?

“It’s what the fans want. They love feminine looking idols. They’re the ones with the biggest fan base. With this new look, you’ll be rocketed to stardom.”

God damn manager-hyung. I knew I shouldn’t have listened to him. I should have just declined. How can I go on like this? I’ll be a laughing stock. I’ll give my mom a heart attack if she sees me like this. Her precious son turned into a woman. I’m probably going to hell for this too. The others…they don’t understand. Well Minhyun was slightly feminine, but not a lot. And he got to keep his hair the same. Dongho…his hair was blond now, but it made him look stronger. He didn’t look like the cute kid I hung out with during trainee days. He was strong, y…

That’s not gay to think right? It was okay to think of another man as y?  Not y as in ‘I want to date him’, because I certainly do not! But y as in I envy his looks and wish I could look like him. I feel the same with Jonghyun. He had this goofy feel about him, but he was y, especially when he was posing for pictures.

God, why can’t I be like them? Strong, y, handsome? I’m just some girl now. Growling, I swung my leg, kicking the top of the vanity, making make-up noona jump.

“Sorry.” I apologized, blushing. Anger Minki! Anger! I can’t believe how much I’ve changed and we haven’t even debuted yet. I can’t be like this, but I can’t be myself either. I want to be the goofy, happy, playful maknae that I am. But Jonghyun and Dongho, they already have that title. So what am I then? The silent one? The cold one? That’s not an image I want our potential fans to have of me.

Closing my eyes, I leaned back as the make-up was applied. I was so tired. We had been working so hard for the past few months. Our debut was only a week away and dance practice was getting longer and longer. Everything had to be perfect. Teasers for our debut had been released and YouTube was exploding already. All our potential fans were waiting so eagerly to actually see us, to listen to us. Oh the pressure!

Opening my eyes, I stared at myself once more now that the make-up was put on. Cursing, I swung my leg again and hit the vanity, making other’s jump. Blushing, I bowed and apologized.  Damn it, now I really was girly. I don’t think I can do this. There was no way I could do this!

“Looking good Minki.” Aron spoke as he walked over. Aron, god I remember the first time I met the other. He hadn’t known a of Korean, and now, thanks to Dongho’s help, he was almost fluent. He still stumbled and made a fool of himself, but it was understandable. He was still learning, so we couldn’t hold it against him.

“Not really.” I said as I leaned in, fixing the hairs that fell over my eyes. I had to see after all. I think they needed to be curled a bit more and lifted a bit higher, or cut shorter. “I look so damn girly.”

“Yeah.” Aron said, like it was the most natural thing in the world. “You look good. You’re cute and adorable; you give us a lot of fame. After your teaser released, the number of views for yours alone were crazy high. It’s going to be okay.” He said and patted my shoulder.

How was this going to be okay? I felt like screaming at the moment. None of them looked like me. I know I’m going to be hit on; it’s just going to be so ridiculous. “I’m going to quit.”  

“Don’t quit. Give it a chance.” Aron said. “Okay? You’ll be fine.” He patted my shoulder once more before leaving my side and I sighed heavily. This is not going to be alright, it’s not. I’m going to die of embarrassment, we’re going to flounder and no one will even know our name.

Leaning forward in the chair, I covered my face with my hands, though I was careful not to smudge the make-up. ‘Breath in, breath out. In. Out. In. Out.’ That was my mantra for the past few weeks now and it worked most of the time, like it was now. I just needed to gather my thoughts and think positively. I can do this…I can do this…

“Everyone on set!”

Lifting my head, I stared at the staff member before looking back as the other members stood and headed for the set of our first music video. Following suit, I followed behind them, moving slowly, taking in the set. Staring at the chairs, the backup dancers, the lights, it was overwhelming.

I can’t do this!

Turning on my heel, I started heading back for the dressing room when I felt a hand grabbing my wrist. Stopping, I looked back, staring at the familiar smiling face. “Let go.”

“Where are you going?” Dongho asked.

“To take this make-up off and go home.” I told him, jerking my arm from him.

“Why?” He looked so confused and worried. That’s what I liked about him, he always worried about me. After making our alliance, we stuck close together. Eventually Aron had been dragged into our small group because of his lack of Korean. We had three members then, and then it was just natural that my friend Minhyun and Dongho’s friend Jonghyun joined us. We were like a perfectly formed group, and the CEO thought the same thing. That’s how Nu’est was formed.

“I can’t do this. I can’t take this look and I know I’ll mess up the dance and what if my voice cracks when we debut?”  All these thoughts were rushing in my head. They were thoughts that I have been trying to repress for weeks now, but now, after seeing the set, they call came rushing back.

“Yes you can.” Dongho said.

“No, I can’t. Dongho I can’t. This is going to be so easy for you. You have the voice, the talent. What do I have? A feminine look. That’s why I was casted.”  I told him. He started laughing. He was laughing at me, the ungrateful hyung. So I punched him in the arm.

“Ow!” he groaned, rubbing the spot. He stared at me and sighed, resting his hands on my shoulders. “Choi Minki, you have more than just a feminine look. Yeah, manger-hyungs are playing with that to boost our popularity, but you’re more than that.” He told him. “You have a wonderful voice, you can dance well. You were the one that learned all the routine the fastest. You are talented Minki.” He assured me.

Looking away, I shook my head. I can’t look at him, not when he was being so serious and compassionate. This was why Dongho was my best friend. He said the right things that I needed to hear when it mattered.  “Then why do I feel like I’m not?” I asked weakly, my eyes still averted.

“Because you don’t believe in yourself.” His answer was so simple and so true. I felt his fingers gripping my chin and forcing my head to turn, so I looked at him. It was hard, once I saw his face. His eyes, they were shinning with such happiness, with such…belief.  “I believe in you Minki. You’ve got this.” He assured me.

“You think so?” I asked. I just had to be sure. I needed to hear the reassurance once more.

“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t say so. Besides, we got picked to be in this group. We rose high above all the other trainees that were fighting for this spot.” He said. “We were picked Minki. You were picked. You have what the company is looking for, what the fans want. You make look girly, but you’re very y.” He told me and I could feel my cheeks heating up. That sounded so gay coming from him, but it felt nice to be considered y, when I didn’t think I was.

“Own it Minki. Own your new image. You’re not Choi Minki, the shy little maknae anymore. You’re Ren, the y, hot maknae with looks that has every woman green with envy.”

I smiled. He’s right. I have to own my new image. I can’t sit here and point out the flaws, or the flaws I think it has. I’m hot, I’m y. I’m Ren, and I’m going to blow them all out of the water. Dongho was right, he was always right and I was so thankful to have him by my side. I don’t think I could live without his encouragement.

“You’re right. I can do this.” I said with a firm nod.

“Great, now let’s go before we get fired.” He teased and headed for the main set, chuckling. Shaking my head, I followed after him. Taking in a deep breath, I calmed my nerves as I took my spot.

I can do this…I can do this…

I.  Am. Ren.