Ren’s POV

I think it was fate that we were supposed to meet. By the pool, probably not, but that just happened to be where they were at the time and we couldn’t help that. But it had to be fate, much like the first day of being a trainee when we first met. Out of everyone in the room, or in this case, the vast expense of the hotel’s swimming area; we sat at the same table together at the same time. It had been a while since I actually looked at Baekho. I know we performed together, but I hadn’t actually looked at him. I could go the whole time without looking at him, but today…

JR’s words really got to me. But what really got me the most was the fact that he said Baekho had willingly gave me away to him. I don’t want to be with JR, as much as I love the other, he’s more of a brother to me. Baekho is the one I really want and I just don’t understand why we’re acting like this. I know it’s my fault, but he had a hand in it too and it’s killing me. We don’t have any communication and that’s the sad part. This whole thing probably could have been worked out like they said, but instead we chose to make it into something bigger than it actually was and where did that lead us?

To where we are now.

Our eyes locked and we just stared at each other, taking in each other’s appearance. I could feel my face relax and I was almost sure I had been scowling. Seemed like the facial expression of choice for me anymore. Baekho looked…tired. The bags under his eyes were so clear that I don’t think even the makeup could cover it. I know our concerts were tiring here, but I doubt they’re the reasons he’s as tired as he is. Nope, I’m pretty sure I know what the issue is.

“Baekho.”

“Ren”

We spoke at the same time and a smile crossed my lips. I loved when we did that. “You go first.” I said and motioned to him. Communication that was the key. I needed to hear what Baekho had to say and in return, he better hear what I have to say.

“Okay.” He said and went silent, looking at the table. If I listened hard enough, I could hear the wheels turning in his head as he thought of what to say to me. “Ren…this is ridiculous.” He said and I laughed. After thinking so hard, that’s all he could say to me? But didn’t that sum up the whole situation in a nut shell? Yeah, it did. This was ridiculous and we needed to stop this.

“I agree.” I told him, nodding.  He stared at me, sighing, and rubbed his head. Surprisingly, or not, his hair didn’t move. It never seemed to anyway.

“I don’t think there is an amount of ‘sorry’s I could say that would get you to forgive me for what I said. And I’m sure JR can keep his mouth shut about as well as Minhyun can.” He muttered and I smiled.

“He told me what you said to him.” I answered and looked away. “I have to be honest Baekho that really hurt me that you were so fed up that you were giving me away.” I said.

“I know and-“ Reaching out, I pressed a finger to his lips to silence him.

“Let me finish.” I said. He nodded, giving me the go ahead to continue talking. “It hurt me, it really did. But I can’t blame you. I got so upset over that whole girlfriend thing that I just didn’t realize…” I paused and groaned, knowing I had to say this. “I didn’t realize what an I was being.”  I finished. A snort left him and I rolled my eyes. “Okay, maybe is an understatement, but you get the idea.” I said.

“Baekho I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to act like I did, but things just…certain things just scared me.” I told him. His head bobbed and I knew he knew what I was talking about. JR told me that Minhyun blabbed, again. But I’m sure the other had already blabbed it to Aron. I can’t be mad at him though. Minhyun was just looking out for me, wanting to help me and I appreciate him for that. I don’t know where I would be in this relationship now, or if I would have a relationship without him around.

“You’re not the only one who is sorry Ren.” Baekho said as he reached out and took my hand. His fingers felt rough against my skin and I wondered just exactly what he had been doing to get them so calloused. It’s not like singing involves using your hands. Well at least not that much. “I’m just as much as an as you were.” He said.

“Well yeah.” I said and he frowned. I pressed my lips together tightly, showing him I would interrupt. He had been silent (mostly) through my little speech, I need to remember to do the same for him.

“I didn’t understand why you were acting so cold to me. And instead of just cornering you and asking you myself, I decided to get back at you, make you jealous. I didn’t mean to put a rift so far between us.” He confessed. Yeah, that whole girlfriend thing was horrible. Not a good move, but I kept silent, waiting for more to come, and it did.

“What I said about not putting out. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know then that was the issue.” He said. “If I had… I would have never have said or did any of the things I had. Baby I’m sorry.” Staring into his eyes, I searched them. There was no malice or deceit. At one point I would have thought that Baekho would never do that to me, but after everything that happened, I couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t get me to forgive him, only to rip my heart out once more. I felt horrible for thinking that, but I wouldn’t put it past him now.

But looking in his eyes, I could tell, it was all the truth. The other was honestly sorry. And I felt even worse. Because I couldn’t open up and talk to the person I loved, I ruined everything. The whole issue in our relationship is my fault, though Baekho did add fuel to the fire, knowingly or unknowingly.

“I can’t say I forgive you.” I told him, watching his face fall. “I’m sorry. But you really hurt me Baekho. Not just with the whole girlfriend thing, but calling me a , telling me I’m worse that a woman.” I reminded him. “And then telling JR that he could have me. Baekho, how am I supposed to go on loving you, knowing that you held such malice towards me? That you were so fed up with everything that you didn’t even care to fight for me. It’s just like the first time. For months I prayed for you to fight for me, to come and get me and you didn’t! Not until that little quest at the planetarium.” I said and sighed, running my hand through my hair.

“Hey!” Baekho growled and I instantly looked up at him, eyes wide. “It’s not all my fault! Don’t ing blame me. If you weren’t such a ing ice queen-” he paused and stared at me. My chest felt so tight that it hurt. I wondered if this is what Minhyun had felt, this horrible feeling when JR had said those awful, hateful words to him months ago.

“Ren.” He whispered and reached out, touching my cheek gently. His thumb ran just under my eye, wiping away the tear that fell. “Baby… I’m sorry.” He apologized again. “But damn it, you get me so angry. Everything is always my fault to you Ren. And I hate it. You get sick and it’s my fault, you act cold to me and it’s my fault.” He listed. “It feels like nothing I do is good enough for you.”

I sat there silent for a moment, just thinking over his words. How could I possibly answer him when he was right? Everything I get upset and blame him for started out as my fault. Well maybe not getting sick. I think that is something no one can really control. I felt the hand moving away as he sighed deeply and I reached up, grabbing it. I placed it back on my cheek and stared at him. This was it, I had to open up. I can’t be cold anymore, I can’t be afraid to show him just how vulnerable I am. I need to push my Ren away. I know I just found him again, but he needs to go to sleep for a while and I need to show Baekho my Minki, the shy, scared boy that I really was. If can I do that, then I’m sure I can find some way to balance both my Ren and Minki personas into one and finally find myself.

“Baekho that’s not it.” I whispered. I felt more tears welling up in my eyes as I stared at him. “You have done more for me than you’ll ever know. You’ve always been there for me, helping me, encouraging me.” I said. “And that side of you, what you’ve done…that’s what I feel in love with Baekho. Not this side of you.”

“I-“ Baekho trailed off, swallowing hard. I could see his own tears wanting to spill. This was so emotional for us, that perhaps the pool was not the best place to talk about this. But we can’t push this off. If we stop now, I don’t know what would happen, but what good would come from it? No, we have to finish. We need to say all we have to say and work this out.

“Minki, I feel in love with you because you were so cute, and sweet, and ridiculously funny. You can be so indifferent to things and people, but when you were with me, you were always open, always smiling. And I love that about you. I didn’t fall in love with this side of you.” He said softly. I felt more tears falling and it was hard for me to not sob. I didn’t want to draw attention to us, so I kept them suppressed, as much as I could.

“Baekho I love you so much and this is the last thing I’ve ever wanted to happen to us. I don’t want our relationship to end before it barely gets started.”

“I don’t want that either Minki. I don’t, but it’s not me. I’m trying. I tried so hard to be understanding to you. Something was wrong and I didn’t press the issue, I didn’t want to upset you. I figured you would come to me when you were ready. When you didn’t….I didn’t know what to do. But I knew I had to do something. Anything to get your attention back and for you to talk to me again. It just…backfired like most of my plans.” He said and I laughed. Baekho had a bad streak when it came to planning. However, there was a pattern and I’m seeing it now. His plans backfire on the first attempt, but in a roundabout away, they work out in the end. Like his plan to get Minhyun and Aron together, his plan to get my attention so we can talk to each other…it’s finally working, despite the interventions that we were given.

“I know Baekho and it is all my fault. If I had only opened up and…” I couldn’t go on. If only I had it up and talked to him. If only I had taken Minhyun’s advice to heart and tried being intimate with Baekho. If only….It was too late for the ‘ifs’ that have been nagging at me. His other hand cupped the other side of my face and I stared into his eyes.

“But you are now Minki. You’re opening up to me now. Let’s not stop it. Please, tell me what’s going on and what I can do to help fix it.”  Leaning into his touch, I shook my head slightly.

“It’s not you Baekho. It’s me. It’s all me.” I said and sniffled. “I’m scared Baekho. I love you and want to be with you, but I’m scared.”

“It’s about right?” he asked and I nodded my head slowly.

“I don’t know why I’m scared though. I want to be with you…like that.” I said, brows furrowing. “But every time I think of what that means, of being with you and touching you and doing…things…I just get so scared.”

Baekho listened to me; head nodding slightly as he took in all I said. I was thankful for that. He was a good listener, despite being a bit dense from time to time. This was something he was taking serious and I could tell. If we could work this out, maybe things would get better, our relationship would get better. I honestly didn’t want to lose him. Baekho was the best thing in my life at the moment.

“What scares you most though? Doing things with me? Or having me touch you? Being ?” he asked carefully.

“I don’t know.” I whispered honestly.

“But why are you scared then Ren? You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.” He said before coughing. “Well, besides what I have done. I don’t want to you anymore.” He corrected himself and I smiled sweetly at him.

“What if I’m not…what you expected? What you wanted?” I asked, pulling away from his grasp and sat back in the chair. “What if I’m not good enough?”

“Ren, who exactly to do you think I can compare you to?” he asked and I looked up at him confused. “Ren, I’ve never slept with anyone. And I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you. So if you’re good or not, I won’t know, I don’t have experience. But Ren, I love you and I know it’ll be amazing.” He said. I felt my cheeks flush. That’s not something I was expecting, but his words were so comforting. Knowing Baekho was a like me, my fear of not being good enough slowly died away.

“I love too Baekho and I’m glad you haven’t been with anyone.” I whispered. “I have a question though; do you even know how to have with a guy?”

“No.” Baekho said and flushed lightly, chuckling. “Do you?”

“No.” I answered and smiled.

“So then you’re worried over something you don’t even know how to do.” Baekho told me. He was right. I don’t even know how to have with a guy and I’m scared. For all I know it could be something ridiculously easy. And it should feel good right? I know I’ve touched myself many times and that always felt good. Wouldn’t that be the same? had to feel good, otherwise people would do it. And gay , if it wasn’t good Minhyun and Aron wouldn’t do it. So, what did I have to be afraid of? I know I’m scared of actually doing it the first time, but is that the reason I acted like I did? Or was I just being a scared little boy?

“You’re right.” I said and sighed. “I was scared for nothing.”

“Not for nothing.” Baekho told me. “You have every right to fear what you don’t know. That’s understandable and I want to help you baby, get through that.”

“Baekho I don’t-“

“I’m not saying we have to do it now. But that doesn’t mean we don’t do it at all. Minhyun told me about what he suggested to you and I think we should try that. Go slow.”

“Baekho.” I groaned. I was getting nervous and scared again.

“Baby, I’m here and I’m not going to rush things. In fact, we don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. But I want to do it with you. And I will take as small of baby steps as you need to in order to get through it. I’m here, but please Ren don’t push me away again. I don’t want to lose you.”

I felt horrible. I was closing up and now I had Baekho begging. I didn’t want it to be like this. I need to stop this. I need to take a few deep breaths, put on my big boy and confront this fear head on. I can do this, I can do this. Not because I’m Ren, but because I’m Choi Minki and I have an amazing boyfriend who has given me so much courage and confidence, who’s always believed in me. It’s time I give it back.

“Okay.” I said. “You’re not going to lose me Baekho. But, we have to go slow.” I said.

“As slow as you want.” He said with a grin. I smiled happily. I wanted to get up and hug him, to kiss him, but I couldn’t do that in public. It would have to wait, which wasn’t much longer. He took my hand and stood. Standing, I let him lead the way back into the hotel and to our room, or rather, the room I was making him share with JR. I think we’re going to have to fix that too.