DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

 

Profile Pic: Cute ♥

Comment: I didn't know who Hello! Projects were(srry, I don't know much about Jpop). I wiki'ed them. heheheeheh..

 

All I gathered was 2 Japanese girls who were prior singers came to South Korea to try out in the KPOP business. So they get admitted into a school where SHINee and SNSD go to. As expected, being the new student they gets bullied.

 

So far there is 4 chapters, so the story is actually just starting. I see it can become way better than now. This story is seriously underrated. People needs to read it more and comment so that the author can improve.

 

Technicality: 

 

Grammar: The grammar to be honest, is a mess. I understood what you tried to say, but you need to make a friend or maybe a teacher to proof read it for you. I wanted to correct all the grammatical mistakes, but then I had to re-write it again. You have to be careful of your use of "no"s and "not"s. Becasue is saw at times when you tried to write a line in negetive but ended up not using it right, so it sounded positive. For example: "I knew I should’ve have stayed up late last night watching those Korean dramas again." Where it should have been " I knew I shouldn't have stayed up late last night, watching those Korean Dramas again". You see what I mean?

 

Paragraph: Your story would attract a lot more people if your paragraphs were less chunky. When I open a story and see these huge paragraph, I revolt. I don't have energy to read through it all, and it is really easy to get distracted. Try to cut down paragraph and make more smaller chunks out of it. For example: "I panicked as I raid through my freshly clean closet where I had unloaded my clothes out of boxes last week. Yea, I had moved. It’s been exactly 2 weeks now, ever since I’d moved from Japan. The reason behind this? Well, a month ago, me and my best friend Miyabi Natsuyaki had graduated from Hello! Project, the company that had made us into world idols 10 years ago. Since from then, my parents and Miyabi’s had agreed to move to Seoul, South Korea in order to find a label that would accept us as solo artists. (Yea, they admitted that Korean music style is better than Nippon’s.) So it took a quick month planning to prepare this move. There wasn’t really anything to get ready for anyways, South Korea isn’t that much different from Nippon. It was like moving to another city. No biggie really. As I threw on some random clothing items I pulled out here and there, I managed to look decent enough to walk out o f the house without people on the streets staring at me thinking, ‘Yea, she’s a foreigner.’ I was wearing a dark navy blazer, over a white tank with a bow design and zippered navy and red plaid shorts. Topped it off with thigh high socks and boots. My hair, side pony with a red bow accessory. (Yup, found my Our Songs outfit, man this couldn’t have showed up a week earlier when I need to wear it for a farewell concert in Japan.) I raced downstairs, grabbed my bento box off the counter. Yes mom had finally did something to help me out ever since the move. It’s been ages since she made a bento for me since I’m always busy with work. I grabbed my book bag as I ran out the door." Instead you can:

                      "I panicked as I raid through my freshly clean closet where I had unloaded my clothes out of boxes last week. Yea, I had moved. It’s been exactly 2 weeks now, ever since I’d moved from Japan. The reason behind this? Well, a month ago, me and my best friend Miyabi Natsuyaki had graduated from Hello! Project, the company that had made us into world idols 10 years ago. Since from then, my parents and Miyabi’s had agreed to move to Seoul, South Korea in order to find a label that would accept us as solo artists. (Yea, they admitted that Korean music style is better than Nippon’s.) So it took a quick month planning to prepare this move. There wasn’t really anything to get ready for anyways, South Korea isn’t that much different from Nippon. It was like moving to another city. No biggie really.

                        As I threw on some random clothing items I pulled out here and there, I managed to look decent enough to walk out o f the house without people on the streets staring at me thinking, ‘Yea, she’s a foreigner.’ I was wearing a dark navy blazer, over a white tank with a bow design and zippered navy and red plaid shorts. Topped it off with thigh high socks and boots. My hair, side pony with a red bow accessory. (Yup, found my Our Songs outfit, man this couldn’t have showed up a week earlier when I need to wear it for a farewell concert in Japan.) I raced downstairs, grabbed my bento box off the counter. Yes mom had finally did something to help me out ever since the move. It’s been ages since she made a bento for me since I’m always busy with work. I grabbed my book bag as I ran out the door."

 

See, in the paragraph above, you talked about two topics. One: why you were here, two: what you are going to wear. Making two paragraph like this makes it a lot easier for the reader to follow through. And when you are writting  a conversation, always make them separate lines. It looks attractive and also gives an idea to readers where the description ends and talking starts. 

 

So that's all i had to say about it.

If I had hurt you, I am sorry.

I just want you to know what A reader thinks. And hope that you improve from here.

 

SO FOLKS,

WHO DON'T KNOW THE STORY OR A SHINEE + SNSD FAN,

CHECK THIS OUT:

 

SCHOOL DAYS

BY SamJTokyo