Seoul, 5 November 2008

I turn the TV off after finding no good programs, then I lie on the couch and close my eyes real tight. I haven't been sleeping well for almost 2 months. I've been stressed out over our group's new album, and of course, over Ga-In noona. Ever since her birthday, we haven't been in touch. I remember that after the Music Core taping on her birthday, TOP murmured to Taeyang that he saw Ga-In noona's eyes were red and bulgy, like she had been crying. He thought I couldn't hear him, but I heard it all loud and clear. 

I huff out as I think about her again. I didn't know why she acted like that when I went to her apartment. We were fine before that, we were bonding and getting a lot closer to each other. I was hurt, you know. I wanted to make her happy by surprising her on her birthday but she mercilessly kicked me out of her apartment. I didn't even get to say happy birthday to her personally. 

I go out to the balcony and have a cigarette. With each puff, a question pops up in my head. Why was she like that? Did she got mad because I snuck into her apartment? We were doing so well, but why did she change all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong again? Was I being too aggressive and scared her? But she could've just told me instead of yelling at me like that, right?

I fish my mobile phone out of my pocket. I read her message again; the message she sent me on her birthday, which was the last time I heard from her.

From: Ga-In noona

[Ji-Yong ah... Mianhae... Jeongmal mianhae. If you don't want to talk to me anymore... I understand. Thank you for everything, Ji-Yong ah... For making me happy... Also, thank you for the gifts... Keep making great songs, ok? Big Bang fighting!]

I sigh and smoke another stick. I cried when I read her message that night. I regretted that I was acting cold to her when we saw each other at Music Core. But I was hurt. After I left her apartment that night, she called me a few times. I was wide awake but I didn't pick up. At first, I was afraid to answer her call because I thought she would just yell at me some more, or even worse, ask me to stay away from her. And then she sent me this message. I knew that she had been calling to apologize. I really wanted to call her back, but didn't because I remembered how she had broken her promise. She said she would give me a chance, but instead, she pushed me away. 

I was angry and sad at the same time. We've never seen each other again after Music Core. I ran into Brown Eyed Girls a few times at events, but she was never in sight. Maybe fate wasn't on my side, or maybe she was avoiding me. Gosh, I really miss her. I think about her everyday. I wanted to call or text her, but I never did, and I don't know why. I'm so confused right now. 

I kind of confessed my feelings to her in the note I attached on the flowers I gave her. I don't know if she understood what I meant. I specifically picked out those flowers because the florist said that the colours represent friendship and falling in love; which perfectly described my feelings for her. I knew we just started being friends, but I was falling for her. I think I still am. 

"Yah, why aren't you dressed yet?" Taeyang asks me. When did he get here? I didn't hear a sound of the balcony door being opened. "Yah, Ji-Yong ah! Are you listening?" he waves his hands in front of my face. "Oh... Young-Bae ya, I'm not going," I tell him. We're supposed to have dinner with Yang sajangnim and a few other YG artists tonight to celebrate the launching of our 2nd studio album. I told Yang sajangnim this afternoon that I wasn't feeling well so I'd just stay at home and rest. "What do you mean you're not going?" Taeyang asks again. I sigh, "I'm not feeling very well, so I'll just rest." He looks at me and sighs, too. I divert my eyes away from him. I know he has been dying to ask, and so have my members. But even if they ask, there's nothing more to tell, right? 

"If you're not feeling well, don't stay out here, it's windy. Also, don't smoke too much," he lectures me. I just nod and walk back inside. "Hyung, you're not ready yet?" Daesung, who's standing in the living room with TOP and Seungri, asks. "Ji-Yong is feeling a bit sick, so he's not coming," Taeyang answers for me. "Are you ok, hyung? Do you want my herbal tea?" Seungri asks me worriedly. "No, it's ok. I'll just sleep it off." The guys throw a questioning look at each other. They're probably weirded out by my behaviour. "Go... Why are you guys just standing here? You'll be late," I say. TOP lets out a small smile, "do you want me to stay back with you? I can--" "What? No! It's bad enough that one of us can't make it... I'll be fine. You guys have fun, ok?" I tell them and walk to the kitchen. They all start making their way out of the dorm.

I scan through the inside of the fridge and decide on a bottle of mango juice. There are cans of coffee in there, but I haven't been in the mood for coffee lately. Because when I drink coffee, all I can think about is Ga-In noona. The door swings open and reveals Taeyang. Did he forget something? "You forgot something?" He shakes his head, "Ji-Yong ah... call her." "Huh? What are you talking ab--" "I'm talking about Ga-In noona. Call her," he cuts in. I don't say anything in response. My heart feels heavier than before. "Well, that's all I wanted to say. I'm going now. Eat your dinner," he walks out and shuts the door behind him.

I go back to the living room and sit down on the couch. I look out the window while sipping on my drink. The sun is setting down. The beautiful bright colours surrounded by the darkening sky remind me of her again. This portrays my current situation. Ga-In noona is the glow that's beaming down my gloomy days. But everyday, the sun has to set down and it becomes dark again.

Are you doing well, Ga-In noona? I miss you... Do you miss me? Do you think about me when you drink coffee, like I asked you to? You told me to keep making great songs. Our new studio album is out today, noona... Have you listened to our new song yet? It's called Sunset Glow... It's an old song but I rewrote the lyrics. I thought about you when I was writing it. I think about you everyday, noona, do you ever think about me?

The sun is down and the night has officially come. I grab my mobile phone and search for Ga-In noona's number. "Sorry, the number you're calling is switched off or out of reach. Please leave a message after the beep," the automated voice message answers my call, followed by the sound of a beep.

I clear my throat, "noona, it's me, Ji-Yong. Can we talk?"