Seoul, 20 September 2008

It's 1:10 p.m, and I'm in the van with my unnies on our way to MBC studio for Music Core live taping. "Ga-In ah, are you sure your eyes are alright? I can take you to the hospital later--" Kyung-Sun unnie asks, but I cut her, "no, unnie. I don't need to go to the hospital." I lied earlier when my manager asked me why my eyes are so red and swollen. I told her that I accidentally sprayed perfume on them. Much to mu amazement, she bought the stupid excuse. The truth is, I cried my heart out last night after Ji-Yong stormed out of my apartment. 

I sigh heavily as I remember the event that took place last night. Well, technically, it was this morning; very early in the morning. Ji-Yong was in my apartment waiting for me to come home. He never told me he was going to come, and I don't know how the hell he got into my apartment. My security code is very easy to guess, but still, how could he even get into my building?

Last night, I yelled at him without mercy and told him to leave. His face looked shocked, probably because he had never seen me like that. I really don't know why I snapped at him. I just... I was freaked out. Not by his sudden presence in my apartment, I was freaked out by my own feelings. When I saw him in my apartment, along with the cake, the flowers, and the gift he brought with him, I realised that I was really falling for him. Is it normal, though? Is it normal to fall for someone this quickly? We've just started to get to know each other... How can I be falling in love with him? When I saw him last night, I was happy and frightened at the same time. Happy because he actually made time to throw a little surprise for me on my birthday, but frightened by my own realization. 

Last night, as I realised that I was falling for him, a million thoughts come into my mind. I can't be falling in love with Kwon Ji-Yong. No, not can't, but shouldn't. I shouldn't be falling in love with him. I'm not pretty, I'm not really talented; basically, I don't have much to offer. Someone as great as Kwon Ji-Yong will never fall for someone like me. I know he said that he likes me, but I'm sure that he likes me just as a friend, or as a companion. You know how in the cinema you get to see some infomercials or movie previews before you actually get to see the movie which you pay a ticket for? Well, I believe that in Ji-Yong's life, I'm one of those infomercials. 

Want to know what made me feel worse? After he left, I checked my mobile phone and saw 18 missed calls from him. I guess he was worried about me. Or was it because he was pissed off that I came home late and made him wait for too long? 

And that wasn't the worst part. Not at all. The worst part was when I saw the things he brought over for me. There was a birthday cake, the cake looked so beautiful. It taste amazing, too. I ate a small piece of it this morning for breakfast. There was writing on the cake: 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' with a smiley face below it.

He also bought me a bouquet of flowers with a note attached to it:

'20 roses just for you. Ga-In noona, the colours of these roses mean both friendship and falling in love, and the numbers mean that my feelings for you are genuine. Happy birthday, Ga-In noona...'

And finally, the birthday gift. He bought me an ubercool coffee maker, which I think must've cost him a lot. There was another note inside:

'When I saw this, it was screaming your name. I hope you like the gift ^^ Think of me every time you drink coffee, ok, noona? You told me you drink 5 cups of coffee everyday, so think about me 5 times, too! Kekeke~ Happy birthday, coffee girl!'

I cried right after I read the notes, because those notes made me realize even more that I'm really falling for him. After I cried my eyes out, I tried calling him, but he didn't pick up. Maybe he was sleeping, or maybe he just didn't want anything to do with me anymore after what I did.

"We're here," Kyung-Sun unnie shakes my shoulders lightly, waking me up from my sad thoughts. We get out of the car and make our way inside the studio. "What happened to your eyes, Ga-In ssi?" my makeup artist asks me as soon as I'm in our dressing room. I just smile at her, "uh, I sprayed perfume on them. Please put a lot of eyeliner to cover them, unnie." "Our maknae is clumsy like that," Narsha unnie chuckles as she sits down on her chair. Soon, we're all ready to hit the stage. This is one of the downsides of my job, I always have to look happy in front of public's eye.  

"Oh! Ga-In! Hello!" TOP greets me in the hallway after my performance ends. He greets me informally, maybe because of that night at the karaoke bar. "Annyeonghaseyo," I smile and bow. "Yah, didn't you say we're friends now? What's with the formality? And please don't say I look scary, I hate when people distance themselves away from me just because they think I'm scary," he says. Wow, I never knew he was this talktative. "A-Ah, neh. I'm sorry. Hi, TOP," I wave my hand at him. "Just call me Seung-Hyun," he smiles. "Ok, Seung-Hyun." 

"How have you been?" he asks after an awkward silence. "Uh... ok, I guess. I've been ok," I tell him. He looks at me in the eyes and points, "oh? Is something wrong with your eyes? They're so red..." "Err... I accidentally sprayed perfume on them. Don't worry, it's not pink eye, so it's not contagious," I explain. He furrows his eyebrows, "eh? That's not what I meant. You look... Umm... I was just shocked to see your eyes because they're so red."

"Seung-Hyun ah! Let's go, it's Big Bang's turn next!" Big Bang's manager calls out from afar. "Well, that's my cue. See you later, then?" TOP says. I bow slightly and smile. He walks towards the direction of the backstage area while waving at me. Suddenly, the rest of Big Bang come out of a dressing room, which is less than 25 metres from where I'm standing. I really want to run away as fast as I can, but my feet are glued to the floor. "Oh! Guys, Ga-In is there," I hear TOP say while pointing at me. My body is still frozen. I see Taeyang, Daesung, and Seungri waving their hands at me with big smiles on their faces. Then my eyes dart to Ji-Yong; his face just looks blank, not conveying any emotions. He stares at me for two seconds and then turns his head away before walking with his group members to the backstage.

My shoulders drop. I feel my eyes b with tears, and I blink furiously so they won't fall down. I run into my dressing room and sit down on the couch. Afraid to let anyone else see me cry, I lie face down and close my eyes. "I guess she's sleepy, huh?" I hear Kyung-Sun unnie's hushed voice. She probably thinks I'm asleep. Soon, I can't hear any more noise and everything is dark.

"Ga-In ah, wake up. We have to go," Miryo unnie's voice wakes me up. I glance at the clock, I've been sleeping for 20 minutes. I gather my things and follow my unnies out of the dressing room. We pass by Big Bang's dressing room and it's empty. I pick out my pocket mirror from my bag; my eyes aren't as red as before. We continue walking out of the studio and get inside our van.

On our way home, I decide to send a text to Ji-Yong. Since he wouldn't answer my calls, this is my only way to contact him now. I hope that he will read this. 

To: Ji-Yong

[Ji-Yong ah... Mianhae... Jeongmal mianhae. If you don't want to talk to me anymore... I understand. Thank you for everything, Ji-Yong ah... For making me happy... Also, thank you for the gifts... Keep making great songs, ok? Big Bang fighting!]

When we reach my apartment building, I bid my unnies goodbye and run as fast as I can to my apartment. I lie on my bed and cry again. It's been an hour and still no reply. I guess this is it, huh? It's been nice having you around, Kwon Ji-Yong... And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for falling for you...

Little did I know that this wasn't it... 

__________

Author's Note:

Philophobia: fear of being or falling in love.

By the by, I hope you guys don't mind that I update a lot, kekeke. My boss sent me to supervise a photoshoot today. It took all day so I had a lot of free time and got 5 chaps done! Yay! Let's get this story go faster, alright? See y'all later! :)