It felt like it has almost become my default - feeling lost. Being lost. Unmoored.

People always see me as the one who got her together. Siguro kasi kaya kong analisahin ang mga bagay-bagay sa paraan na most of the time ay nag-de-deviate sa established thought. 

But that doesn't mean I know everything. I always don't have the answers. 

"Oo nga, you always don't have the answers, pero you've never been afraid to ask questions," Jennie turned to me.

"Sometimes that's all that matters. That we ask. Because it takes a certain courage - to ask questions."

I looked at Jennie. Second year na kami sa kolehiyo. She got into Ateneo. I got into Elbi.

Mantakin mong sa layo nun nagagawa pa rin niyang puntahan ako when the feeling of being lost consumes me. 

"Psy-na-psycho-analyze mo ba ko ha, Jennie?" I said, teasing her.

"Haha. Gaga. Ito ka na naman, porket Philo major ka. By the way, speaking of psychoanalysis -" She clunked her bottle of beer with mine.

"Happy birthday Sigmund Freud," we said together as we gulped our ice-cold Red Horse beer.

Then my eyes became sad again. 

Sadder than ever.

This didn't escape Jennie. Siguro, my frailties, my most human moments, will never escape her.

"Sa 25 na alis ni Tita no?'" she said, not really asking, but just making it known that she understands the reason behind my sadness - that particular wind which blew me astray and wreaked my sail this time around, making me feel lost than ever.

"Yes, sa 25 na." My mom's leaving my dad and I. She has to leave dahil she's given up on the country. Masisisi ko ba siya - masisisi ko ba ang ilang milyon-milyong Pilipino n