Dear Ahn

Other than a few trivialities, I am quite happy with episode 9.

AMH has chosen freedom and independence from home, and values those values. As such, he applies the same set of freedom and independence to DBS, wrt to her choice of a partner. He is brave to express, yet tender and not imposing, giving her the space and time that she needs. How selfless of him, as that could mean that his road is longer and more jagged. Highly intelligent, deeply considerate, responsible, mature, and a person with thoughts and depth – That is AMH. Although marred by in-house bullies at early age, character seemingly flamboyant, AMH manages to go against all odds to become a successful entrepreneur at a young age. In all, I have great appreciation and respect for him.

The talk they had on his hospital bed was stirring (I need to avoid the trivial things like – who will sponge hand first, then face?... oh well? I know that I can be quite picky.) 

…

DBS overheard AMH’s conversation with his Dad, on how he defended her and do not want to blow up the matter, understand some about his past, etc. With all those around him, it is no wonder that he has a shield all around him, and shut himself up when he is sad to prevent further hurt. She allows him to expel his angry emotions at that instant. It is okay not to reply now. It is okay to have a temper. Like him who allows her space to deliberate (by the river), she allows him time to air his frustrations (after his Dad left his ward). That’s like mirroring each other on the handling of similar situations regarding each other.

Only later, she returned to his ward, talk to him, made him remember his own promise and subsequently cheer him up. She gave him time to release his steam, then take the right opportunity, use the right tone and words, to warm him up to her cheerfulness.

They are so understanding and considerate of each other’s feelings, adjusting to each other and step in (or out), at the right juncture. When you need time, I’ll give to you. When you shouldn’t be alone, and need company, I am here for you. This is simply what this all means.

Their silent stares in his ward are direct and intense, and yet no one speaks and let the charged atmosphere remain. IMHO, that’s one of the most electrifying and memorable moments I have ever come across.

In their pause and ponder zone, they are both acutely aware of each other. That is adequately expressed via their eyes and body language.  The feel that they successfully conveyed went beyond skin ship (again!). At that moment, they are being cautious, on how to be certain first, before the next step. Tense and yet warm.

DBS is the feisty fighter who assesses situation and listens to her own will. That’s relates back to what I said earlier – AMH values choice and freedom, and also applies that on her. He values that as she is such a person who assesses the situation and decides herself, regardless of what he says. I am not implying that she doesn’t listen to other’s opinions, what I am saying that she is a responsible adult who assesses and makes her own choice, be it a hard one or not, as it is her life. Although he protests against her leaving his ward and going with GD to pursue the kidnapper, he understands that that is her choice to make. What he had done – hone her skills – already helped her in boosting her confidence and competence. This is AMH, always there for her, with her.

It is inspiring to look at how their relationship sprout, grow and develop. They are both direct people, with DBS being relatively more impulsive and AMH more cautious. (Shouldn’t that be the other way around normally?) They move, think, evaluate, move, re-evaluate before proceeding. What happened previously doesn’t matter. What is vital is who is in your mind now.

I love it that both AMH and DBS feel so human, especially in those deeply simmering moments.

Our thoughts are out there, with the air between us as the medium. No words are needed.

Episode 9 - Love Risking One's Life

In the warehouse, there is this familiar gang. I heard from KS that mum is all right, so what I heard just now was a voice phishing. The world is really loop sided. Why do these crooks have to bully the weaker? WHY? Don’t belittle me for I am proud to be me, and I have evolved. I am no longer a bystander. I’ll stand and fight for the weak. You’ll be the one kneeling and seek repentance on your mistake.

I showed them, how I crashed the hard walnuts into pieces. This is the appetiser. Like you have said, clatter your opponent’s confidence first before even landing on the first punch on them, that is half the battle won. Their expressions changed to awe, disbelief and scare? Yes, this should be it.

Come on, now. Let’s fight. A look in their eyes exposed their potential moves already. Fighting can be tactical and smarter like this, just that what you lectured before.

Get out of my way. Stop all that showy pretence. One knock should settle you. Off the table. What do you want from me?

Bong SOON! I heard your call for me. I turn. With impeccable timing, you hold me, tight. Then, your grip loosen and you start to fall.. Then, I realised, that you are being stabbed .. for me? I cushioned your fall. I am utterly shocked. “I am okay”, you murmured. Your voice sounded deep, coarse and strained as you try to draw enough breath. Your face drain of colour. Your body is shaking profusely. NO! Ottoke. No! Don’t.. Don’t be hurt badly. "Yes, you be okay." I comforted you. I covered your wound in an attempt to quell the bleeding. Your facial muscles tensed as your hand slowly covered mine and your voice faded out.  Hold on there!! DO YOU HEAR ME? LISTEN To ME!

Ambulance. Please come really fast. You are hurt. Blood kept flooding out as the blade/stopper was removed by that gangster. Worried. Crying. That anxious and horrible feeling surrounded me. Your BP falls and your hand starts to feel cool to touch. OMG. Faster. Can you please drive faster?

I talk to you continuously till we reach the hospital, never letting go of your hand.

You made a lot of noise in the ER when the ER doctors check and stitch your wound. I could hear it from the outside.

After some initial rounds of checks and scans, the doctors diagnosed that the stab has missed your vital organs fortunately. Regardless, recovery and rehabilitation vary among patients, which could vary from weeks to months. There could also be possibilities of infection, chronic pain, or some impaired muscle functions. The doctor will conduct more detailed checks in the next few days to better confirm your condition. He looked sympathetic and patted my shoulder, “Clean your hands first (he saw my hands which are still stained with your blood). Our nurses will wheel the patient to his ward in a while.”  I thanked him.

You are finally moved to your ward. I walked in. What greeted me wasn’t usual. I almost don’t recall seeing you so pale and motionless, on a bed. I proceeded near. Sat down beside you. Prayed and thanked whoever that you are not taken away. I promise a thousand and one things so that you can wake up again, to nag and whine at me. The sense of gratitude and worry filled my entire mind.

“Are you okay?” I heard. What? You are finally awake. Good. That’s most touching and the sweetest thing that I have heard in ages. You have regained consciousness! Tears of relief filled my eyes.

Then, you are back to your usual self again. Whining. Nagging. I guessed that I have received what I wished for. You kept ranting. Yes, I am sure that you are back to normal. (I should be happy hearing all those.)

Thank you. (Why did you do what you did?) I am well, unharmed. All thanks to you. Thank you.

Then, you went into a hysterical spiral of speculations of missing organ and pain.. Ottoke? Shall I call the doctor?

What? You tell me to get some lunch? You must be still in shock. You kept murmuring. To keep you calm, I left as you instructed.

I am really not in any mood or appetite for food. Just casually munched something. To assure you that I had taken a proper meal, I sat at the hospital waiting area for a while before returning, in case you suspect on how and why I can return so fast. You are injured, but you are still utterly smart.  

What? What’s that noise? I was about to enter your ward and I saw the tense atmosphere .. Your Dad and half-brother are inside. Let you guys continue. Yes, I understand why you are not taking legal action against the gangsters. Thank you. I appreciate that. I know that you weren’t the target. I know you protected me (from physical harm and exposure of identity). Thank you. And you refused to reveal the real reason to your Dad and hence agitated him too. ‘I am not afraid of being stabbed for I have suffered much worst wounds than this.’ So, this is the real you. The real you who is behind the façade of jovialness and laughter. Your step-mother, in her masked and non-recyclable plastic face, is really annoying. It is so sad to face such so-called family members, in contrast to how close knitted my family is. Me, feeling isolated from a strength that I cannot use and say publicly, …  at least I still having a doting Dad, Halmoni, brother and bestie. You, there is just so much pain but no real one there for you, yet you are strong and grew up so well. My heart welled with much feelings, feel so sad, so much, for you.

You are obviously in a bad mood after your family left. I can see that you are angry. I loiter around to give you some me time to cool down. What shall I do? No, I am not leaving. I have seen that sad look on your face several times, seemingly fierce, aloof and aggressive, but I know how alone and miserable that feels inside. Like the heart has been all crumpled up, the world has deserted you and you are just on a one-man land. Let me be here. Cheer up. Staying alone when you are gloomy will make it worst. You need to let it go. Don’t hide yourself. You promised me not to stay alone at times like this, remember? Aren’t you hungry? Is there anything you like to eat?  What my mum cooked? Sure.

Why did you take the hit for me? Why? (You didn’t answer.) Now, I am completely convinced about your character. That initial plank that you played on me to start your car, in case there is a bomb, is a complete joke. Since you wouldn’t put anyone else in danger for you.

Yes, I confessed. I am the girl who stopped the bus from falling off the cliff. I wore the birthday gift from Halmoni while I was on my way to night class that day. Witnessing the bus that might fall off a cliff got me to spring into action, regardless of consequences. What can be more important than saving lives? That was my first time using my strength for others and almost exposing myself. I even got scolded from mum for destroying my new pair of shoes as a result. I had kept that secret for years. Now, you know that secret too.

You what? Skip night class? How old are you? How dare you not use formal language with me when you are younger? What? The wound hurts? Where?

It is a pity that you need to fast and can’t taste the famous dobong bibimbap. We ate a lot and is really bloated. I know that is not nice to eat in front of someone who is fasting. But don’t waste food, right? Miane.

You asked me to leave again. Do you really want me to go? I read your expression for a moment. My mum even offered to stay over. I poked Mum, please don’t joke. I laughed internally at your stammering and embarrassment on how you decline my mum’s offer. You will definitely be more comfortable alone should that be the case.

I sent my parents to the taxi stand, “Dad, Mum, thanks for coming and making the dinner. I’ll stay over.” Dad look at me. “Don’t worry, I am fine.” I squeezed out a light smile. Dad nodded. I am staying here as I want to, not because I need to. Mum handed me my change of clothing and I make my way back to your ward.

Why is Gangster Chief here? I thought he didn’t see me. I don’t need his gift. I don’t want to meet him again. I am not fond of rumours and wants a quiet life too. Darn. He is seriously annoying. Of course, I’ll not work for him.

I finally reached your ward. Are you sleeping already?  I boasted that I am good at keeping my promises. (I am actually concerned about you and really want to make sure that you are alright.) What? A Bath? Shall we call a nurse? Oh? Washing hair? That sounds manageable.

You just threw away all the monitoring devices that are attached to you. The nurse came in before we reach the bathroom. She is here to remove your IV drip.

"Mr Ahn, where are you planning to go just now?"

"Just now? Err... No, nowhere. She was helping me to the bathroom.", you replied.

“Here.. is it comfortable enough? Please close your eyes…” I’ll be as gentle as I can but this is the first time I wash hair for others, so there could be bubbles and water on your face….

You obediently stop chattering and closed your eyes when I started the wash. Wait.. Where are the extra towels? I looked around..  You really have really very long eye lashes, with the longer strands in the centre. Could a man have such long lashes? DBS!!! Where are you looking? You should be washing his hair! Focus!! OMG!

I am finally done. Your breathings are smooth. Are you asleep? I tap on your shoulder and get you sitting on the coffee table. I am drying your hair. Why are you holding my arm and staring at me? I find myself staring right back. Nervousness. I could even hear my heart pumping.. My mind is a mess of … Fingers intuitively held into a fist. Eyes closed…

Let’s rest. You said. Just like this? Nothing happened? Ohh, oh ok. Please rest.  I take the sofa and closed my eyes.. Then, I looked at you, with an array of overwhelming feelings, curiosity, gratitude ..

Your eyes are closed. Are you asleep?

Recent events ran through my mind :

You recognise me as I am. I am straightforward and direct. I handle what comes my way. I am just trained and equip with skills to embrace and utilise my gift liberally, that I do not need to be ashamed nor hide who and what I am, all thanks to you.

Your clash with your Dad. That little boy at the funeral parlor. Everyone hugged your Dad and walk past you, no one really giving you, the person who really need comfort, a second look, know you only as Mr Ahn’s son. No one really talk and care about you… and you walked into the cold Ahn mansion, and cocooned in your own world. Maybe that’s what made you so quirky now? Regardless, it is amazing that you can remain strong, overcome your weaknesses and built yourself up till today. Seemingly the playboy with not a care in the world, but you are actually not that. No one see this real side of you, but I see it, see it today.

You shield me from harm. You just dashed right in front of me. Fearless. No one had, or would ever do that. I cried at that moment. I prayed to whoever not to take you away. I have never feared so much than this morning. At those instants.

You made me feel.  To me, love is also simple and direct. Once I am sure of the one I love, I’ll choose the one, focus on the one, and will not falter or look elsewhere. Just now, at that moment, we are so close, I can feel your breath on my face. I didn’t resist but I couldn’t stop my nervousness either. I held my fingers into a tight fist. Is that only gratitude? Or is KS right, I am falling right for you?  

You, saving me from the way of harm; You, being hurt by events of his past; You, jovial and teasing me; You, not fear of my strength and hone me under your wings; You, one of the people that I first saved; You, restless and looking at me. These numerous façades of you. .. Your kindness, your gentleness, your words by the river… You stirred up too much intense and deep emotions that are so new to me. What are all those? So intense, so warm, so close. Especially on how nervous I feel, that jittering and tinkling feel only when you are close, .. What do that mean?

You open your eyes. You are not asleep? Our gazes held by an invisible thread and locked across the room, reading each other. Neither of us moved. You should also be thinking of our fate, from past till now.

No one spoke. Yes, we don’t need to. Just let the thoughts linger in the air.

Good night.

…

Why can’t he be a normal patient and be garbed in a normal patient attire? There are rules in the hospital too. Must you stand out like that? I am glad that your stalker has been caught, else what you do will really make you an easy target.

GD came in. What? Another kidnapping incident? Sure, I’ll help in the investigation. I need to go, I want to. Yes, I heard you. I know you won’t want me to be hurt. I’ll not let myself be hurt. I’ll go early and be back early. (I know you are concerned about me. Trust me that I can take care of myself. This is why you train me for, to be prepared.) This is my promise.

GD, I knew that you saw me using my strength. It’s a gift, an ability that I am not ashamed of.  I know our timing is always off. Don’t continue that talk now, maybe this is something that I would like to hear in the past, but not now. Let’s talk about the criminal that is still at large.

BREAKING NEWS. The culprit is caught?

No, the police have caught the wrong person. I am so mad that the police just don’t believe me. That’s why you never trust the police! If the real culprit isn’t appended, there will be more kidnapping cases! Where is the justice in this world?

The accustomed pink hoodie. That familiar silhouette. Finally. I get to see her face. No, I see the girl in my dreams, the one who saved me. That’s, that’s you. You are her! My intuition is correct. My logical deduction is wrong. That’s really you. Dumbfounded. STUNNED.

GD is here. So, he knows now.

Looking at how you gauge, dodge and fight, I give you a thumbs up. You have learnt and internalised what I taught you. You have graduated.

That .. that is a BLADE! NO! Bong SOON! I yelled. At that split second, my legs darted towards you, before I even think. For you cannot be hurt. Instinctively, I jumped into the path of your harm’s way. My body covering yours, as much as I could. I feel a punch into me, burning and puncturing sensation in the waist for a few blinks (I hugged on to you while I can). Then, the pain suddenly escalated, and air filled the area.. cold.. followed by wetness, sticky-ness, and I collapsed.  Shivering uncontrollably, I gasp for air, force my eyes open, to see for myself that you are alright, to tell you that I am alright. I feel your hand on where I hurt, I try to hold your hand, to comfort you, you needn’t be scare…  In the next moments, the pain intensified and I  ...

While I go in and out of consciousness, I feel your hand on mine, your voice constantly around my ears although I couldn’t figure out anything audible.  I also recalled people speaking, my ranting (was that even me?), more people speaking and my body being moved around …

Gradually, I hear the beepings from monitors closeby as well as your voice more clearly, your promises made (it’ll be great if you adhere to them), some usual laments, (I actually like that you are fussing over me), the pain remains on my waist although it more bearable now. I guess that the sting will remain there in the next few weeks. I gather my strength to open my eyes as I can’t wait to see you…

Are you okay? That is THE issue that is most important to me. I see you, a face tensed and full of worries, but well. Good! I am glad and thank whoever.

I take a look on where it hurts. I feel the IV drip on my hand. I guess the painkiller is constantly flowing into my blood stream through that. Just that there could be a scar as a remnant. Whatever, you are all right now, and that is good enough.

But you are almost tearing. Let’s say something to lighten up your mood.

The world outside is just too dangerous, I must ensure that I can see you .. to assure myself.

You must eat and return to me. Please don’t starve. I won’t feel better if you starve. On the contrary, I’ll feel worst if you are not well. Listen to me, will you? I deliberately faked some naughty hallucinations to ensure that you will eat and quickly return. Please come back.

Sec Gong, don’t tell a soul that I am hospitalised. HA. I really sounded cool. Ouch, the wound is tender and does sting.

I finally chased Sec Gong back to office. The ward is quiet. So, that’s you, that’s really you. My intuition had been correct all long. I have really found you, my pink hoodie angel. It is you. We have met again. What a way to find that out.

KnOCK. The irritating GD came unannounced again. Quickly say what you want to and leave. I want some quiet moments. Yes, I know her secret all along, and please don’t tell her that you know that too (as she doesn’t want you to). Respect her, will you. You can go now. Why? What you mean why did I protect her? What do you think? (Don't be too curious about us, will you?) I really wanted to get him off my back.

Your family and bestie stormed into my room next. Her mum even offered you to me as a reward. I was like? (taken aback.) Your mum is definitely unique. Your Dad is true and nice. Her mum is  .. need to think of an appropriate word to describe her. Overly enthusiastic? Some things can’t be rushed into. Doesn’t she know that?

The wound doesn’t hurt that much… till you are here. I must make sure you stay around. So I can still see you and ensure that you are all right.

My half-brother appeared unannounced. Darn it. Who told him, that means my father will be here anytime soon too. Can’t they just leave me alone? Let me try the calm way first. Dad, this is an accident. The target wasn’t me. Don’t turn this into a problem (I can’t get you into the spotlight via this incident.) Let’s bury it. Don’t magnify it. This is what I want. Period. I tried to tone down and keep cool.

I see.. actually I shouldn’t be too surprised. I am aware of that long ago. The stab is on me. But the hurt is on your pride, that a gangster didn’t give you due respect and assault your commodity, your domestic pet, which happens to be me. Yes, I am AHN item, AHN unwanted brag to step-mum(s), burden to half-brother(s), nobody in your cold castle? Yes, I know that long ago. Oh, it is indeed that. It’s always on you, yourself, your pride?

I feel steam rising into my head now. Now LISTEN to me carefully. Do you know what is the real pain? What really hurts me is you, is this dysfunctional family! Am I your son? Have you treated my mum properly? Have you ever love her? You don’t even allow me to mention the lady whom I love most in public. Why? Because she is not from some rich family? I TELL you - She is the kindest person to me, whom I respect most. She gave me the most love in my life so far. Who, who are you? Who am I to you? Yes, I agree that you have given me a lot - abandonment, neglect, identity issues, in house bullying, desertion, being not a son to the string of step mother(s), beggars to half siblings, outlier in the so-called family. Loneliness. Outcasted. Whatever you call it, I experienced it.

That throbbing pain that come creeping into me that there is no one else in this world except me, those emotional scars from the lack of concern from all those years. ALL THOSE REALLY HURTS! What is a stab wound, compared to all that?  That deep rooted set of angst that I didn’t mean to disclose erupted. Where were you during all my years of winter (if you call me as your son now)? If not for my promise to mum, I’ll not even recognise you..

I am angry. Talking to you has exacerbated my headache. Na ga (get out)! NOW!

…

The sky is so gloomy. I am in no mood to bicker or play. Sorry. Leave me alone. Go home now. I hear you talking, but I am really not in the mood.

Yes, you are right. Our pinkie-promise that I’ll not be sad by myself. Who had been so concerned, really concerned about how I really feel, other than you? Now that you mention it - Yes, I am hungry. I want to eat what I had in your place, that warm meal that I had only once in ages.

During the wait for dinner, you sponged me. That’s a luxury. I am smiling right from my core. Why? Why did I take the hit for you? (WHY?) You asked and I returned your question with a smile. The truth is that I haven’t really figured out yet. You are staring into my eyes directly, with that pair of big, luminous, sparkling eyes of yours. That melts me, right from my core, entirely. Don’t stare into any other men’s eyes like this, okay?  Please promise me.

That is you, right? I go straight into my affirmation this morning. You are the girl who stopped the bus, right? That’s really you. Why didn’t you tell me that night? I thought my mum sent me a guardian angel to save me. I skipped night class to visit my mum.  No. Don’t guess my age. My .. my wound hurts. I resorted to trickery to distract you and you fell for it. Gosh… That was close! My head hurts. Everywhere hurts. You turned your attention to my physical whining. With that, I escaped from your grilling of my age.

I had instructed the hospital administration and doctors to keep my admission and details strictly confidential. I even hid the hospital chart before you returned to my ward just now, and I thought I would have gotten away from that. My big mouth sometimes brings me undue trouble. Luckily, its resolved now.

Now, I am enjoying your full attention and affection.

We chatted a bit more. Then, home cooked food is delivered. And it is finally ready… Doctor Do don’t allow me to eat as I am supposed to FAST today. WHAT? Are you kidding me? The patient is hungry while the doctor and his family members feast on the food. I am HUNGRY…

Go. You should go home. You have a long day. Rest well. Thank you for coming. DBS is tired.

Although I really want to say I would like you to stay over. I can’t say that in front of your parents. And Please don’t joke, Mrs Do. I DON’T WANT you to be here overnight.  

Your family left with you… I feel lost.

I am still hungry. Craving for real food, craving for your voice.. hoping you are here with me.

Luckily your mum left. Serenity is still much better than her prattling. I spoke too soon…  Less than a minute later, gangster chief is here. What the? Dad can’t leave me alone, him too?

I warned and threatened him. He is lucky that I am the one being stabbed. To shield you, I’ll let him off. If he had stabbed you, I’ll KILL him there and then, and I mean what I say. He better gets his facts right. LEAVE. I am incensed to see him. I don’t want to see him again.  Don’t be curious about DBS and me! LEAVE! Darn. He doesn’t know when and where to stop.

Finally, my room is silent again.

The ward door opened again.. What? Again? Who is it this time?

I see YOU! You are back! I find my lips spreading from ear to ear. I remember your promise. I can see that you do too. I smile.  

How should we spend our time? How? The hospital is really a boring place.. so monotonous. ... Btw, my hair itches a bit from just now. I want a bath. I want to wash my hair. Are you feeling unduly excited? Why are you whining again? I can still hear you very well. Hallucinating was only part of my act. You’ll just take all this equipment off easily. I am ecstatic, absolutely climbing over the moon now.

You place a chair in the bathroom, beside the basin. Like in a salon, I sat down, you place a towel round my neck, adjusted the chair's height and positioned my head above the basin and started to wash my head with the nearby shower head. Water was too cold at first, sprayed around as you are not used to the shower head, and finally, you get used to it and started to wash my hair. You are so close. “Close your eyes, unless you want shampoo water in them.” You instructed.

“Can’t you be gentler? I am the patient, you know?”  Grumbles escape from my mouth, but I feel really blessed. I know you are controlling your strength, as I am more than aware of your immerse strength than anyone else.

The hair wash wasn’t eventful from then on. I close my eyes and feel your fingers working wonders on my scalp, massaging, cleaning, washing the bubbles away. It is so comfortable that I think I doze off a moment. Guess I am weary too.

I open my eyes when I feel you tap on my shoulder. “Let’s go back inside.”

“Oh, oh ok.”

You put me on the coffee table and started to dry my hair. I dreamt of you just now, seeing you so close now is like the sequel to my dream. I hold your arm to feel you closer. You did come closer. So, this is not a dream. I keep looking at you.. reading you.. your eyes falter away.. you finally stop drying my hair and look at me. What is in your mind now, I seriously, desperately want to know. You close your eyes, and I smile. While I approach you, I feel you clenched fist on my shoulder (indicates dilemma of a choice or attempting to fight something…).. I paused. I … I’ll let go first, for now. I wouldn’t mess up whatever grounds we have gained so far. I promise to be patient with you, till you come to me wholeheartedly. For that to happen, I have to be direct and patient with you.

You must be tired. Let’s rest.

You are taking the sofa bed just opposite me. So much has happened in just one day. I lay down on my bed. Looking at you.. you are unequivocally lovely and amazing in every way that is. With you, life is never mundane. I seriously feel the importance of you in my life, in just the short period which we known each other. Reminiscence continued through my mind.  Although I often see ‘you’ in my dreams, I never thought that I’ll really see you again, and you are right beside me. That’s magical, almost unthinkable. Although I suspected, for it to be true and proven, it is another matter altogether. How could we meet again like this? It has been after such a long time and I managed to find you again. I am so happy. Elated. Such happiness is rare for me. Your eyes closed. Are you sleeping? My world went dark for a while..

I devour and treasure the fresh sweetness that you have gradually introduced into my life's coffee as it has remained bitter for so many years.

Pain from that stab was hot, wet and intense. I knew that my body system was shocked and probably shut down as I collapsed from that. However, that remains as a physical wound which can be cleansed and sewn.  Any jab of oxycodone, buprenorphine or even paracetamol in the IV drip can provide almost instant relief. Subsequent pain can be controlled and managed. That was for protecting you. I have no regrets.

I had gone through this throbbing past and multiple issues that I didn’t sign up for. I grew and struggled up basically by myself. The mental pain that were casted on me, went far deeper than what that four inches blade did. After so many years, I learnt to manage, handle and live with it.

I left that cold castle when I really had enough. Leaving that poisonous and cold place is a choice. With independence, I get to choose my own path. It was tough at first. I really tried hard. I didn’t fall to my death at that cliff, thus, I utilise my remaining time in my worthwhile manner. Yes, I am a genius, but I work hard too. I also pick things up really fast, that’s my forte. With will, I persist. With intelligence, I strive. With preparation, I ride on whatever opportunities in view.

That pause. That moment. I feel your hand on my shoulder that is all clenched into a tight fist. If you are wholeheartedly ready and willing, without any doubt, you should be relatively more relax. My heart wanted to proceed but my mind hesitated. Not that I don’t want to. I wouldn’t allow myself anything that could jeopardise our relationship later. I want you to decide first. Currently, you are not ready yet. That moment just now was not the right moment yet.

With my discovery about you being the guardian angel today, I should process my thoughts too. I want me, you, and us to be sure. I am cautious. More importantly, I don’t want to feel hurt as well as hurt you as I treasure you, as a person, a friend and someone really special and vital to me, since personally, I know how far that hurt can go. Once I (we) are sure, I definitely will make a move. Prior to that, let me ruminate further on it.

I want to see you again… before the medication take over my system.. and I am pleasantly greeted by your direct gaze. You must be thinking about today, just like me. We hold the gaze that is a straight line, right across the small ward, .. we are close, feel really close. Let that remain that way, for tonight.

Good night, my angel.

…

Where are you exactly? You went for lunch and took hours to return. I told you that I can order another set of hospital food for you but you prefer to take a walk. The medication and disinfectant smell in the hospital are getting on my nerves. Sec Gong keep reminding me about my discharge from the hospital and the potential issues with the new game. You whine about all things, even at my PJ. Wearing a hospital gown won’t help me get well faster. I am more comfortable in my own PJ. That helps me get well faster. How do I get you close so that I can look over you and hence you wouldn’t fall into that kidnapper’s hands? HOW?

What? Another kidnapping incident last night? No, don’t go, Bong Soon. I don’t want you to get hurt. I can take that pain but I really don’t want you to feel that pain physically. You are still going despite of all I said? YOU! Gosh. Why won’t you ever LISTEN to me?  That annoying GD too! Why is it so close? How outrageous of his declaration! DBS is mine to protect!

BREAKING NEWS. Is the culprit caught?

They caught the wrong person! That’s what you told me as a matter of fact. You are good. You are a detective now!

Dear Do

Thank you for adding a little part to explain the missing IV drip. That trivia did puzzle me a bit. It is a detail that shouldn’t be missed out.

In terms of game terminology, that route where there is the greatest number of hurdles and traps is the path that leads to the real treasure (that’s why your enemies are setting traps to deter you). For the uneven path that AMH has chosen to reach DBS, he also places himself in a prickly position, yet he continues as he knows how special she is to him and how important that she, as a free agent, to make her own choice. He has a desire, but he is not covetous or unscrupulous. He wants it all, and her to go to him, at her free will. Moreover, it is always the process that matters more, as the destination is similar. Isn’t it?

AMH has been thinking on his hospital bed on the discovery and realisation that his guardian angel is right beside him (his doubt is cleared and affirmed a couple of hours ago), but was constantly interrupted by a trail of unexpected visitors - GD, Ms Do’s parents, as well as his own Dad and half-brother. I supposed he hasn’t reach his conclusion yet. He needs time. He probably needs more information possibly. The talk he had with DBS on his hospital bed, on her being his guardian angel, her sharing of her first heroic act, all revealed how they really feel, and how liberal (casual) they are with each other, on speaking the thoughts off their minds. They don’t hide and don’t need to. This is how they proceed, sincerely, frankly, step by step, towards knowing each other. That is warm and stirring.

Coming back to think about it. AMH’s revelation to DBS by the river, it’s really a difficult and layered speech to make and he managed it. It was remarkable. Again, AMH knows martial arts, and at the critical moment, he forgot his skills and intuitively uses himself as the most effective shield for DBS, that meant and said a lot.

He, knowing her dreams to use her gift to help the weak, but unable to control her strength, helped her to learn to control her strength. Her, seeing how painful and lonely he really is, give him space, stay by him, cheer him up. Both helping each other to overcome the roadblocks in their lives (his loneliness originated from his lack of strength; her loneliness which originated from her natural gift of strength), be it whether they consciously recognise or realise it. When he needs her, she is there for him. Vice versa. Both wants to be sure and in control (esp AMH), before moving forward in their relationship. That’s rational, mature and hence, moving.

It would be better if the lightings in his ward is toned down by 50% gradually. The resultant environment is more conducive to thoughts and eye functions (we can’t stare straight for too long in bright light).

Then, they both need to halt to ponder and give each other the silence required. That doesn’t reduce the passion at the moment. Conversely, it increases the poignancy of the scene, by showing you how much they appreciate and comprehend each other.

When they are just looking across the ward at each other, what could be the thoughts that are going across their minds? Our insecurities? What we meant to each other and how finally reach to meet each other? Be it what had happened earlier, we are there for each other, in person and in thoughts, now.

Right in their core, they are apprehensive as they vividly understand how much emotional hurt can be, and do not want to impose that on each other. How thoughtful that is, putting other in front of self.  That is a characteristic of real love, it just takes time for them to figure that out.

Do, I’ll be flying to Seoul to update my HQ on the ongoing projects for around four days as my colleague can’t make it last minute. I am packing up after sending this email and will be touching down on Sun night. Considering that we email so frequently, I really hope that I can meet you when I am in Seoul. This is my hp number (+yyy y yyyy yyyy). I look forward to receive your call or text, if you feel comfortable enough.