I leaned behind the closed door for a while, trembling over a childhood dream realised only after all these years. Warm tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably. I don’t know how long I stood ... When I finally turned to re-open the door, an empty corridor greeted me.

I bathed and sat on my bed, setting the alarm on my phone and wondered if its okay to click redial as its way past midnight  ...

…

While toweling-dry my hair, I started to sort through the cleaned clothing from the hotel laundry service. I picked up the Ahn hooded shirt, and smile at the choice of design, how nice it is and how well it suits me. Rolled up the other tees that I’ll not be using in the next 2 days and packed them neatly and snugly into the luggage, so they will not be crumpled or rolled all over inside the metal case. Following that, it is my usual habit to arrange the things in my haversack and place it near my bed before I end the day. I saw my air-ticket and stared at the date on it. I pulled my tee-shirt collar up and placed it my lips, thinking.

Head resting on my pillow, glimpses of this incredibly fast week flew past my mind. I promptly sat up, picked up my phone and clicked redial. “Have you settled down? Resting soon?” Can’t I think of a better and less monotonous introduction?

“Yes. Almost. What’s up?”

“Can you make it for dinner tomorrow?” I asked, hopefully you’ll say yes.

“I have a packed schedule tomorrow. I’m not totally sure what time it’ll end. If you don't mind waiting for me a bit, how about meeting up around 2030 hours? I'll try to make it earlier. I’ll call and tell you the time again. So sorry. ”

I feel elated that you are trying hard to make it . “No.. no need to apologise. I know that you are working. I should be available the whole evening. Just call me again, ok?”

“Sure. Hyun..”

“Yes?” There was an unusually long and silent pause, and I checked that the line is still connected, “Are you still there?”

“Never mind. We’ll talk tomorrow. Good night.”

…

1700 hours. Darn! Problem one after the other!  Just solved the female model problem and now.. “Where can I get a tall male model at this last-minute notice, although it is just for mostly side shots?”

My phone rang. “Yes?”

“I need your help!”, I hear your voice. “I am desperate!” you shrieked.

Oh yes, why didn’t I think of you? “I need your help too! You go first!”

“My boss suggested a last-minute dinner gathering tonight and he will only let me be excused if I have a date. As I never liked such gatherings (in a whisper), are you able to just appear at my place and abduct me away? (in another whisper) I’ll be very grateful and wait for you to finish your work quietly at a small corner after that.”

“Great timing! My male model just called in sick and can’t report to do the photo shoot assignment. I need a tall male model. It’s mostly side shoots. It’s easy and I am sure you are eligible. Can you help me? PLEASEEE.”

“Can we have dinner together after that?”

“Yes. I’ll accompany you in the shoot too.”

“Cool! I’ll send you my address. Text me when you reach. I’ll wait for you near the door and let the receptionist know I am being kidnapped. The receptionist really thrives on gossip, and she disseminates news in real time. She’ll tell my boss that I left with a beauty.”

I laughed. You asked, “Anything wrong?”

I am no beauty. “No, you are funny.”

“What’s so amusing?”

“Yeong, is my model coming? Here, take my car. I want to see him in 30 mins’ time. We don’t have the whole night to waste in the studio! I have a dinner appointment with my boyfriend”, the photographer yelled.

I caught the car key that was thrown in my direction. “I’ll be there really soon. Get ready!”

…

I stood near the entrance with my backpack and laptop once I receive your text.

Here I am … I expect you to be here any second. What I didn’t anticipate or prepare myself adequately for is the image presented right in front of me as my eyes decode the sights appearing at the top of the escalator.

An angel, dressed in royal blue colour dress, golden stiletto heels, floated from the escalator to the entrance. I took a second look to be sure that its indeed you. Your long silky hair, unfastened now, tinted with even brown highlights, cascaded behind your back. Just the right amount of makeup that highlights the smoothness of your complexion, eye shadow that compliments the colour of your eyes and blusher that adds contours to your small delicate face.

Guess you are already ready for the photo shoot.

You are beautiful, I already know that from day one. But this evening, you are .. you are simply ravishing, heavenly, stunning, arresting, glamorous, irresistible, bewitching, … You literally robbed my breath away.

I remain rooted at the same spot..

You breezed in with b confidence and asked the receptionist (who is typing away) for me.

You approached me (you saw me), held my hand and pulled me out gently. “Dear, our dinner appointment has been brought forward since our friends are not able to make it later. I’ve come specially to fetch you.” You smile ever so sweetly at the receptionist while telling me all these in a louder than usual voice. “You can leave now, right? How’s your day?” You bowed slightly at the few colleagues who had just rushed to the door.

I stole a glance at the receptionist (whose jaw is already on the table) as my body was being dragged away. A 65 kg man being pulled away by a petite lady!!!  Does this even make sense? At the bottom of the escalator, my soul was finally reinstated. You smile looking at my hand (my hand is still holding yours).

“You are good”, I praised you.

You lead me to the car and answered right on the beat, “Yes, compliment me on my acting skills.” This is you, your grace, like the crystal clear water that originated from the ice in the mountain caps that flows right through your throat, simply refreshing and natural.

I see you manoeuvred the vehicle skilfully in the evening traffic and right into the rather tight carpark lot in only one try. “You are impressive!”

“Yes, I have done a lot of part time jobs to survive. Quick, we need to run. This way!” 

…

You pushed me right into the changing area once we reach the studio. It’s a rowdy and rather noisy place, with much people talking and sounds of equipment being shifted.

I never had so many pairs of hands fussing over my face, my hair and my apparel. Finally done! I looked at the mirror and almost couldn’t recognise myself. The reflection is me but the dark eye circles gone, complexion is much brighter and smoother, cheekbones more prominent, hair is expertly styled and professionally done. The black colour suit that I am wearing is - I would say, formal, impeccably cut, and (strangely and coincidentally) fits me like a glove.

…

I was leaning against the wall and talking to Mr Oh, discussing on the shoots that we need and will be taking. “You must make sure that he looks raw and shy in some of side shoots!”

“This is the first time he is doing a photo shoot. Looks raw is normal, but shy is.. and be captured on film - is a tall order!” I protested.

“I am sure you can do it!” Mr Oh replied. “You have the talent to bring out the best in others and on top of that .. you have never let me down.”

I laughed till I saw you strolling out of the changing room causally.

That scene rendered me, someone has seen numerous great looking models, speechless. Gone is that causal, sunshine and boyish look that I have grown so accustomed to in the past week. Replacing that was the refined, attractive and sophisticated you that I didn’t realise earlier. The air seemed to freeze all around you, Your Excellency, who has mounted on your horse, in preparation for your usual royal parade.

I can tell that you are good looking, but this is really..  much more than I had predicted. You approached me in a few confident strides, with hands swinging casually beside you.

I touched Mr Oh’s hand as a signal for him to start the camera rolling.

I stretch out my hand and you took it gracefully.

“You look great! Simply magnificent!” I commented. Music is now in the air.

I walked you to the front of the blue screen. We stood and stared at each other. Looking up close, your deep-set eyes melted into a sea of rich milk chocolate, warm, flickering with specks of silver, that glitters and shines in all directions, like they are competing to narrate the fanciest tale. Who ever said that only double eye-lids frame the most charming set of eyes? I beg to differ now.

Your eyes are talking but your body is stiff. Perhaps this is your first time and you are not sure what to do. I am greatly appreciative that you are willing to take the plunge and acceded to my desperate request.  We looked at each other in wonder. I can hear the camera clicking.. that I need some shy, modest shots of you.. Your hands rigid, maybe you are conscious and thus, nervous..  you can’t fake the camera, and Mr Oh.. I should do something now, and fast..

I held your hand.. you have very long and slender fingers. I snapped my finger once (and the music changed)…. I led you into some slight dance movements. Yes, move a little, relax a bit… before we get into the main theme. “Just put your right hand on my shoulder”, I kept talking, distracting you, so you’ll be less mindful of the camera, “You have taken so many pictures but this is the first time that the roles reversed and you are the subject now. You just need to look at me. Smile, relax, … you look absolutely gorgeous tonight, and I’ll find you ten girlfriends after this pictorial hit the streets..” You finally laughed and looked at the side.. You are showing natural expressions. This is an improvement.

Shy.. shy shoots…

I pulled you closer and uttered gently, softly, slowly, under my breath, just for your ears, “Don’t tell them… (‘About?’, you whispered) … about us.. “ I returned to face you. Your face blushed, emitting a slight pinkish hue in the warm light while I can feel similar heat on my own face. My heart skipped like a wild dear that is being hunted. As you lowered your head in my direction .. then, we heard, “STOP!” We turned to face Mr Oh together. I know Mr Oh took another few shots. And we laughed and made some candid expressions while the camera continued its clicking spree.

“Yeong. Okay, its done! Please change.”

“Let’s see who can change faster?” you challenged me.

“Sure.” I laughed.

I was chatting with Mr Oh on the next set of pictures  to be taken while you emerged from the changing room in a grey colour suit, less formal but equally stunning as the black one.

You sat on a chair and did a few solo stills, followed by our shoots together. We sat. I had to look straight while you admire me, from a perpendicular angle, as instructed by Mr Oh.

“Done! It’s perfect! Its fabulous! Thanks!” You walked away from the blue screen while I browsed through your pictures. I have to say that you are really amazing.

“He is one of the best amateur models I have seen so far. Where did you find him? He has great potential! Can I sign him up? .. “

“Him?” I laughed, “I’ll check with him.”

“Aren’t you considering him for yourself? He is a real prime catch!”

“YA! I know you like fishing but he is not a fish!”

“I’ve seen enough men, so I can’t be wrong. Think about it!”

Before I can reply, you approached with our bags, shook Mr Oh’s hand, apologised and bowed slightly, and excused us from the crowd, similar to what I did at the entrance of your company just now.

“You pick things up very fast”, I gave you a compliment.

You returned with a pulse-stopping wink, "Of course!"

Man.. Can you be praised and not be conceited? 

…

You brought me to a neighbourhood place, selling grilled pork and pig skin.

“Sorry, I love this. Thinking of it makes me happy.”

“Thank you. I miss grilled pork too. Do they have ttukbaegi gyeranjjim (steamed egg mixture in earthenware bowl) too?”

“Already ordered!”you exclaimed. “Thank you for being here. It’s no fun eating this alone. With you around, we can enjoy more variety. Hope you don’t mind to smell like it when you leave the place.”

“That doesn’t matter. It’s the end of the day. Relax. I miss this too.” You are so real, and simply intriguing.

You had half a bottle of soju, looked relaxed and joked throughout.

“I am too full. Let’s take a walk”, you said.

We walked side by side, the back of our hands brushed against each other’s at some instances.

“Do you know.. I was very nervous to meet you.”

“Pardon me?”

“Yes, you didn’t hear wrongly.”

“You didn’t look like it at all.” I have never sensed your nervousness.

“I can mingle very well now, especially in front of clients. I am well trained.” You laughed.

You deviate from the straight line. I held on to your arm.

“Don’t worry. I am not drunk. But I’ll not drive since I had a few drinks.” You smiled. “I can hold soju very well. Though I don’t always drink.”

That’s the dreamiest smile I have seen on your face so far.

We continued our walk along the Han River. The lights from the car headlights via the opposite highway glitters and shimmers continuously. “That’s beautiful.” You sat down on the bench.  I took the space beside you.

“Mr Oh told me that you are good. He asked if he can sign you up? What do you say?”

“Me?”

You nodded. “He commended that you are tall and handsome. He asked where did I find you?”

“Did you tell him?”

“I didn’t. Well, he shared that there is an unexplained X factor in you that is not seen in many male models.”

“Did he?”

You nodded. “You have the potential. Have you dreamed of being a famous celebrity?”

“Not really. But a famous celebrity, assuming I love my craft and excel in it. I’ll receive a lot of love from people whom I don’t know. That’s really an honour. However, there are matters that I treasure that I need to give up, like privacy, space, cannot go around with the people I like as and when ... as I don’t think I can walk around without security pathing the way and cameras snapping. Maybe that’s not me yet for I don’t think I afford that scarifice.”

“Stay at home when you are not working, maybe?”

“But we are who we are. And we treasure who/what we are, and who/what we treasure and be proud of it.”

“If you are really a celebrity…”

“If I really choose to be a celebrity, I’ll have to bear the costs that are associated with it. The privacy, space, and people I treasure.. if there is ever a significant other, I guess she will be someone who understands my job and me in great depth.”

“Most likely she will be someone within the circle. With that, she will be the most empathetic since she is in your same situation too.”

“Agree.  I am who I am.. (I look at you.) Anyway…”

“Yes?”

“I think you look and feel more like a celebrity than me. You look great and pose ever so naturally!”

You wave your hand in front of yourself. “I have stand in for some models for a couple of times. That’s how experienced I am and can get changed and be ready faster than usual people. At times, when I work with models, I talk and discuss with them, so as to bring out the aura we try to capture on camera.”

I saw..  I noticed your interactions with your co-workers, so warm and still, get things done promptly. You, just being who you are ... Your grace and beauty, shine prominently on and off the screen. You just haven’t realised how good you are. “Be my subject one day, will you? I usually do landscape, but I think I’ll try to do portraits for once.”

“Me? I am not tall, not naturally endowed enough, not prettier than most models… You are too nice and kind.”

 “I am saying the truth – I’ll say you are just beautiful and lovely, just that you didn’t know it”, to think this is the natural you bring out even more grace in you. “Someone as good as like you should have more confidence. Didn’t you see the patrons at the tables around us kept turning to look at you just now?”

“I thought they are looking at you? I believe in my professional eyes.”

“Please believe my words.” I said.

“Or are they staring at us, who are overdressed for a BBQ dinner?” we glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Do you know? From then till now, you took my breath away, and I simply couldn't take my eyes off you. I hummed a track, took your hand and we tapped a few steps together. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BT4GIljqr-A&start_radio=1&list=RDBT4GIljqr-A

“YA!” You laughed, “A 60s track? How old are you exactly?”

“You are somewhere there since you know that it’s a 60s track.. (I gave you a wink).. Anyway, does age matter?”, is my short and to the point response.  From your ID (when I get our Lotte world tickets), I already knew that you are learning to walk when I had my first cry. Regardless, you have depth, story, lovely, charming and fun. In short, you are simply too attractive, too good to be true..  I .. I can’t peel my eyes off you.

We feel the beats and dance in the moonlight. After you stepped on my foot a few times, “Sorry, I am clumsy.” I don’t think that you are clumsy, you are just a little tipsy. I joked, “I am blessed that you are not that real Do. Otherwise, I’ll be on my way to the hospital by now.”

I knelt down and removed your footwear. Such stiletto heels should not be too comfortable as the areas around your toes are slightly reddish. "Do you feel tired? Is your ankles okay?"

I took off my shoes too. “Here (I hold your fingers), 1 2, 1 2, 1 2 3 and turn… “ You laughed at my instructions and followed my lead. I continued humming the track that is playing in my mind. You joined in during the chorus. You have a lovely voice too, do you know that?

“That was fun! Thank you.” Then I hoped the track could be longer.

You showed me your brilliant smile. “You are welcome”, I answered. Don’t ever smile to any man like this. Else, he could, and would, never let go of your hand.

...

We got iced canned coffees from the vending machine. You are holding a can of coffee with one hand and the shoelaces/straps of our shoes with the other.

As we sauntered barefooted on the grass, I took another good look at you - Where were you before? Why do you look, or feel.. so familiar?

“Btw, I’ll send the suit that I am wearing now for dry cleaning, before returning it and the shoes to the studio.”

"Yeong! Yeong?" I hear you calling me suddenly. I realised that I could have spaced out for a while.

"Just now, I said that I’ll send the suit that I am wearing now for dry cleaning, before returning it and the shoes to the studio.”

“Oh, ok for the suit. You can keep the shoes as it's sponsored.”

"I see."

“Oh, you didn’t comment about the soup dumplings yesterday. Do you like them?”

...

I can’t recall much on the taste as my focus was on you. “Very special.” I am referring to you.

You nodded, paused a while, seemingly mulling over what to say. I waited.

“I meant to tell yesterday. The outing to the amusement park last night had been, had been nice, no, it’s more than that, it had been fulfilling. I had realized my childhood dream. I always admired other children going to the parks. My mother had not brought me there before.  That was, was a wound that I thought has been healed and recovered. For I am an adult now. I don’t need those rides anymore. It’s just .. “

“It is just that you need to try it, at least once, to experience it. I appreciate how that feels. The closest I felt to that is maybe the taste of a homemade Kimchi. I have a Hyung at my workplace. The kimchi that his wife makes is the closest I got to so far.”

We sat silently. Sipping our canned coffee.

It is still there.. it was just covered but will resurface, seeps in whenever.. that buried pain which is not healed. At this moment, we are facing and feeling it now. I hear your controlled breathings, your utmost control of your feelings. I feel that hurt too.

 “.. No one wants me. Not my mum, crush, not anyone… only have myself for a long time…” My heart breaks at your confession. I see your hands holding onto the railings tightly.

From your writings, I already know about your unfulfilled crush, and you are feeling sore still. This is the first time I heard about your mother.

Although all are different, that loneliness (that we thought others wouldn’t understand) that we felt, experience and is sharing now, the feeling of being abandoned and no one wants, no one needs, that raw pain…. is equally aching and draining.

I covered your hand with mine. Touch, the tangible emotion, tells you that I am here. We glanced at each other monentarily.

What’s comforting is not any console given, it’s the wordless and mutual understanding of the ache each of us had gone through. That we are not alone. Not that we want each other to go through what we had. Then, we didn’t have a choice.

“Pain receptors in the body react due to physical stimuli such as cuts, causing tissue damage and lack of blood circulation in a specific area.  The production of prostaglandins begins, causing an irritation and signalling the body of an unpleasant feeling which is pain. In a weird way, pain is good.”

Dried eyed, you look at me. I continued, “In comparison, pain is relatively healthier than numbness. If the body is numb or don’t react to pain, then, we will be killed by pain unknowingly. With pain, we know something is not right, and can work towards acknowledging and healing it.”

 “Yes”, you smiled weakly. I see that you understand what I meant. People who walked through the same path would comprehend. And yes, you do. You have real stories beneath your petite frame.

“I’ll make you Kimchi. But that takes at least a week. (our glances met, close up.) When are you leaving?” you added.

“Tomorrow evening flight.”

“Looks like I can only send you off.”

“I love to see you. Treat that as a time to meet, not sending off.  I’ll back in a few months’ time when my project ends. We'll still keep in touch. Time is limited now, treasure it to know each other.”

We smile.

“Did you choose to be posted overseas?”

“Yes.”

“I think I know why. For the freedom?”

“Yes. Free to have a place of my own. To feel and be myself. Also near to exotic places which I can explore on weekends, if I am not working.”

“How many weekends are you not working?”

I paused and thought, subconsciously pulling my collar to my lips.

“Rare. Right?”

Yes, you caught me.

…

I am suffering from insomnia.

.. I am thinking about you.

You come to me in the times of my need, and helped me without hestiation, even when that's something you haven't tried before.

You let me feel so at ease, feel so comfortable. I am able to tell you matters that I rarely tell any other soul.

You, you are special. You have the charm and youthfulness of a boy, combined with the depth and maturity of a man. I feel something that is quite rare (maybe even, almost for the first time?) - as I find myself attracted to you, towards your understanding, natural flair and confidence.  

…

I tossed and turned but couldn’t keep my eyes shut. I stood up to get a drink.

You are just, its also timely, .. that you can help me in the times of my need, to escape from boring gatherings...

Just now, during our first round of photo shoot, you told me not to tell others about us, I moved some errant strands from your forehead that partially blocked me, I lowered my view and gazed straight into you eyes, at that moment, I was so immersed in you.. I can feel blood gushing through my arteries .. that STOP from Mr Oh shocked me there and then.. 

.. Eventually I got changed and went downstairs to run 2 rounds round the hotel. I ended up at the lobby of your apartment building. Your room lights are on, off, on, off... It’s very late. What is in your mind? Are you sending a distress signal?

I clicked redial, “I am downstairs.”

…

“5 minutes.” I grabbed my windbreaker, phone, pulled on my snickers and make a dash for the stairs. You are in sports wear too. We sprinted near the river. Sweated a lot in the cooling night.

“How are you feeling?”

“Can I say the truth?”

“If not, why do I ask?”

Pain. The pain. Is still there. It is just submerged, hidden, but the bullying, ignorance, lack of love, is still there. Yes, I am old now. I can more than take care of myself. “Pain. Some pain that doesn’t go away after the wound is created. It’ll hurt for a while. Then, it’ll subside. I have been through this, couple of times in fact.  Whatever it is, I’ll (have to) tide over it. No one had really care about me in the past, and I had survived. I have grown up now. So, there is more reason that I’ll survive.”

“Yes, the fittest survive, but the scar and pain remains. Why torture yourself?”

How do you know that feeling so, so well? I was amazed. You placed your hand on mine. Your big hand is warming the ice cage that is shielding my core.

…

I added, “When was the last time you face this? Be yourself. Let it go. Cry. Shout and scream if you like. I’ll make sure the police don’t arrest you.” Get rid of the crush, I wanted to add. I hold my words as I feel the shiver in your hand.

My heart is all crumpled up. I pain your pain as I had pain that pain. I have seen and been through this, maybe for as long and as early as you. That’s how I can understand. I see you. I wish your smiles, going forward, will be sunnier.

You took several deep breaths. I heard you sniffed a few times. I handed you my towel but didn't comment on your reddish eyes. “From what I can see and read, you are strong and have an intelligent mind. You can move on. Do it.”

“No one ever comfort me like how and what you did. How do you know how I feel?”

“Maybe I have been through similar. I have grown up alone, struggled my way through since day one. Those days that I was alone, I steel my feelings and mind, and work all the way up, from the base to where I am now. I can’t say I know all, but I can imagine your pain.” I seldom feel as much as I feel now, maybe because that’s you. For you are so special in so many ways.

You quieten down after a long while.

It’s cool deep in the night. You look at the quiet sky. “Where are all the stars?”

“Resting?”

You finally laughed at my silly response. Do stars need rest?

“How did you manage? All these years? May I ask?”

You look up. Our glances lock.

“It was not easy.”

“I know.”

You covered my hand. Your hand is warm. Tough touch bleeds. Tender touch heals. I feel the warmth from your gentle hand. When was the last time I feel so close to another? Willingly disclosed what I usually don't? 

“At most times, I was down. And I kept reading to understand the feelings from the literature available. In some way, I enrich myself and learn along the way. I can’t let myself down, even if the world let me down.”

“Will tomorrow come?” you asked.

“Believe hard enough.” I answered. I know you try very hard. I'll cheer for you. Let me stand by you, I hope that you'll. 

There are dark circles under your eyes. You had a long day today.

“Let’s get you home.” I said “What will you be doing today?”

“2 meetings with clients till early afternoon. Maybe some design work later.”

You look at me. “A meeting this morning. Then, pack and head for the airport. If you have time.. “

“Okay.”

“See you.”

It’s 15 minutes to boarding time. I stroll round the departure gate, squeezing my passport and ticket. Hoping hard..

I see you running towards me. I meet with you at midway.

“Thank you for waiting. I am so scared that I didn’t make it. There was a huge jam in town”, you explained. I covered your hands with mine. You have the warmest hands I have ever felt. Then, you introduced a feeling .... a feeling that I have almost never felt before into me, into someone who has never been rooted to the same place.. Such a strange feel creeped into me, maybe for the first time in my existence so far. At that moment... You, you made me feel the unwillingness to leave.

First Time - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGdZDnSKUc4

“I wish that I could stay longer... Meanwhile, treat yourself better.”

“Of course,” you smile your bright smile. “Treat yourself well too.”

“You can be yourself in front of me.”

“You too.”

I walked into the departure gate. I am sorry to leave my back view to you. I turned round and waved to you..