I woke up early, made coffee and warmed up the bread that we bought the day before for breakfast.

“Hey, morning!”

“You are up! Come have breakfast!”

“Sorry, I woke up late. Must be the beer last night.” You smiled sheepishly.

“It is only 9am now. We are on holiday. Wind down and relax are what we should be doing.  Don’t worry, you didn’t drink much last night.” That is a fact.

I held a slice of toast and asked, “butter, honey ..?” Or me? I almost uttered that. My mind slapped his gap, for the abruptness and inconsiderate behaviour (joke or not).

“Honey. Thanks.”

I offered you the first slice of honey toast. You must be famished as you dig in your breakfast heartily. I topped a thin slice of butter to the honey spread on the next piece of toast, “Here, try it!”  

You look at the spread and me again. I gestured you to try it.

“Hmmm, not bad, I didn’t know that it can be taken that way.”

“It can be as it all depends on your taste buds and willingness to try. Some South-east Asians take their bread with butter and kaya (a spread made from eggs, sugar, pandan leaves and coconut milk). I have yet to try that though.”

“Coconut milk? That’s interesting.”

You are eating well. Your eye circles are lighter than yesterday. You should have slept better last night.

“What shall we do today?” you asked as you savoured the third slice of toast and started on your coffee.

“Shall we go fishing? Have you tried that before?”

“No, but it sounds fun!”

“We can go to a nearby islet to fish. Let’s pack some food before going as we should be there at least 3 to 4 hours.”

“When did you make the arrangement?”, you looked puzzled.

“While you were sleeping,” I laughed.

You quickly prepared soup and soya sauce-sesame rice balls (which has lots of seaweed). After I finalised the arrangements, I packed two flasks, one with coffee and the other with water.

“Yeong, our landlord dropped by earlier to ask for help to dispose the old furniture to the town disposal area first. So, let’s drop by their place first.” I was expecting to assist them to load their old stuff onto the town hall’s truck, but was asked to fill in a stack of forms (to be addressed to the town hall, to moving firm etc) which were clipped on a  writing board. After 2 forms, my right hand shivered. I started to sweat.

“Come, let me help you”, you casually took the writing board and pen from me, “Tell me the list of items and I’ll write them down.” You gave me a warm smile and didn’t ask anything else.

I am grateful for your gesture as my hand was getting really tensed from the amount of writing required.

We finished the task within an hour, returned to our house to get changed.

I handed a tube of sunblock to you, “Here, put a thick layer on your face and shoulders. Else, you’ll could be sun-burnt.”

“Ready?”

“Yes!”

We picked up our packed lunch and walked to the pier, where our boat ride will be fetching us.

“Hyun, see (you pointed at the breakwaters). Limpets here! They are really tasty!”

It was a nice day, with clear weather.

We sat at the front of the boat. As the boat accelerated and hit against the waves, splashes of water wetted our faces.

After 20 minutes, we docked at the pier of the islet in high spirits. “Here, these are your fishing equipment. The best spot to fish is at that corner (the boat captain pointed). Keep your life vests on while fishing. If it rains, you can take shelter in the cave near the pier. I’ll be back in 3 hours to fetch you. Have fun!”

“Thank you!”

You helped me place the bait on the hook and casted my line in the waters, before proceeding to work on your line. When my line got stuck in the rocks, you put down your line to help me get of the tricky situation.

Few trails of white fluffyness decorated the sky, which was otherwise an endless canvas of blue that has merged seamlessly with a body of emerald green. Cool breezes seemed to be tweaking the shape of trails of white floating the sky, altering its shape occasionally.

Wind tousled your short, black hair. Your face clean and void of comestics, unlike the night which we did the photo-shoot. Bright, playful, honey-dripping eyes that seem to be sending communication signals continuously.  White tees and windbreaker, complete with light-blue ripped jeans. In a word - Charming. Attractive.

You turned in my direction. I quickly shifted my glance at that instant, refused to be caught staring.

We sat in harmony for an hour but nothing was biting.

“Yeong, we need to catch something, else we will starve tonight.” you joked.

I played along and answered in an overly exaggerated tone of voice, “Yes, I am so scared!”  A smile appeared on your face instantly. 

While we talked, I felt some dragging movement in my rod. I pulled and you leaped over to help. A relatively big and beaming fish came into view!

I was dazed at what just happened while I heard your scream of excitement.

“It’s a big rockfish!”, you gave me a high-five.

“Beginner’s luck!”, I replied.

I am really lucky as another fish bit my bait later. “It is too small. Shall we?...”

“Of course..,” you unhooked the fish and place it onto my palm for me to release it back into the waters.

“Goodbye, fish!” Let it grow.

Before we know it, heavy clouds gathered and rain drops came, just like the first time we met.

We quickly packed up and scurried to the cave near the pier. You tried to shelter me with your wind breaker while we made our way to there.

We patted the rain off our tops.

“What a sudden downpour!”

You cleared up an area for us to rest on. You texted the boat captain to tell him to fetch us once the rain stop.

“Hungry? Shall we have some food now?” We tried the egg-flower soup you made, with the rain beating hard outside. The sound effect of rain hitting on the exterior of the cave, and listening to the sound resonance created inside - that was an unusual experience. 

“Here,” I handed you a rice ball, that has some peppery spice in the centre, at the level of spicyness that you prefer.

You took a big bite and showed me a thumb of approval, “I love it!” My face warmed at the way that your glance fell and locked on me.  

This rice ball, tailored made for me. A strangely warm feel sprouted (did it just sprouted or has it been there since a while ago?) from well within my core. “I am glad that you look much better today!” I said.

You paused, and related dryly (looking into the sudden downpour), “The vagaries of life, just like the unpredictable weather.” You sighed, “It is often hard to forget the feelings that one once had (be it a one-way street or two-way lane), especially when it happens at the time when one is so alone. Long ago, I used to imagine a friend, who understands me, who talks to me, just like children.”

“Imaginery friends could be the product of loneliness, desire, unwillingness to let go etc. They help kids to cope with their deepest fear. However, there is a difference between the common imaginary companion that many kids create, and the imaginary companions of psychopathology. When the creator believes that the imaginary companion is real, and does not differentiate between the real and imagined, the creator will need external help.”

You nodded, eyes bewildered, “I know my imaginery friend was the product of my mind. That loneliness, which ate into one’s confidence, hurted and it was like the heart gets all squeezed up and just have to run 10 km and sweat it all out.. expel it before it acted like a parasite and drained the system’s resources.. especially when everything was quiet again, especially when you received friends’ wedding invite.. especially when you were still alone. More than once, I pasted a smile to attend those invites. After so many years, I thought I had adapted, learnt to adjust, dealt and lived with it. (paused, reminisced.)”

I am happy that you can talk about this willingly, “You are strong, Yeong. Really. Pretty, scientific, logical, emotional, sentimental.. there are a lot of good in you. Just that I am not sure if you notice it yourself. Let me tell you again. That was a mismatch of person and timing.  Don’t let a fall deter your future moves.”  I actually wanted to say this for such a long time. From the way you wrote, I already felt the longing lingering in your words.

You escaped from my gaze and looked in the direction of the pier, which is repeatedly hitted by the falling rain. Further was the vast and blurry horizon.

“There are some things that scares me in this world. Tightness, enclose-ness, breathlessness, brave-less, there is no such word maybe. I meant to be void of the strength to break away. I trained myself for a long time. In the end, I shifted to Seoul, away from my hometown, to get a fresh start. Now, I am finally getting over it.”

Moisture gathered round your eyes. I moved near and held you close, patted your shoulders as a gesture of comfort.

“Enclose-ness?”

“Yes, I couldn’t stay too long in a totally enclosed space.”

Luckily, we happened to sit near the entrance of the cave. “I see”, I offered you the flask of coffee.

“Thank you.” You looked relieved.

You may look tough on the exterior, but with soft spots within. That makes you so true, so humane.

I kept my hands deep in my windbreaker pockets, else they will drying the tears on your face now. I don’t want to be seen too forward, and the least I want now is to scare you back into your natural shield.

The boat picked us up after the rain stopped.

You cleaned the fish the made spicy fish soup with what we had. I cooked rice, and cleared up the yard.

Dinner was pleasant and inviting.

What fills my being went much more beyond the scrumptious food in my mouth. It's the ambience, the company, it’s you.. that created the soothing and comfortable feel in me that I had not felt for a long time. You kept knocking gently at that cold room of mine, a void in my heart which I had closed and sealed for a long time.

After dinner, we lay down on the pyeong sang, overlooking the dark sky, with our cold beers. Much more diamonds glittered in the night sky that is hanging over the small town.

“Notice that bowl and handle (as I traced) - that is the Big Dipper. The two outer stars in the bowl of the Big Dipper (I continued tracing) – they are the pointers, named Dubhe and Merak. An imaginary line drawn between them and extend it by five to six times, you will reach Polaris, the North Star. In turn, Polaris marks the end of the Little Dipper’s Handle. Although both Big and Small Dippers are each made up of seven stars, the small dipper is harder to locate as its outer bowl stars are quite dim.”

“Opposite the big dipper, aka big bear, is the small dipper, aka small bear. Greek legend says that the big bear is the mother of the small bear. Mother and son, overlooking, chasing each other in circles but yet separated.  Polaris' position is known to stay fixed in our sky, is somewhere between the bears.”

“In actual fact, stars in the milky way don’t change position. The stars seem to be changing positions as our planet is rotating. Big and small bears seem to be chasing each other since Earth is rotating. Polaris appears stationary in the sky because it is positioned close to the line of Earth's axis projected into space and hence seemed to be locked in position. ”

“I am aware. (you smile) Although Polaris does not belong to brightest level of stars, it significant quality comes from its stationary position/property which made it the lighthouse for travellers, loners, tthose who are lost, those who are looking for directions. It became the symbol for constancy. Polaris is sometimes like a faraway dream/desire. Although we can't reach it, we chart our journey towards to it, hoping to get nearer, closer. "

"The Skidi band of Pawnee Indians saw Polaris as the Chief Star. Polaris is their symbol of stability, leadership and guardianship, a concept deeply ingrained in their society. Look around Polaris and the amazing patterns in the skies and imagine the order and stability represented by this one star, Polaris."

You squirmed your eyes, trying to see something. "Pity that we can’t see the small dipper clearly tonight.”

“We’ll go camping one day, camp somewhere far from the settlements. There, you will be able to see the small dipper clearer.”

“I never been camping.”

“You know about the stars.”

“Legends are fascinating, and addictive. I read up on them at times. Where do you find time?”

“With only work as the primary occupant of my time, I have relatively much extra time for photography, reading, etc. And yes, please be my subject one day, promise me.”

You smiled.

Then, you suddenly sprang up and ran into the house. You emerged with a tube of muscle rub.

“Did you forget something? What’s that for?”

“Your right hand. Sorry, I forgot to ask earlier. You were trembling earlier today.”

“Oh this, this is an old injury. (I touched the long scar) Recall that I gave you my pencil? (You nodded) I can’t write much after that operation. After I got into an accident during the days when I was enlisted. Then, my right hand almost crippled.”

“I am sorry to hear it. Hope you didn’t suffer too much.”

“That pain was beyond description then.”  I couldn't recall very much of that accident or consequental pain in detail. The body has the ability to shut out some memories. However, that experience was how I could write on how MH felt when he was stabbed. I guessed that wasn’t too different. “I feel much better now. Just that I can’t do delicate things like writing too much or sewing. Its…”

“I’ll help you.”

I read the geninue concern in your eyes. This is enough for now. What more can I ask? “Thank you.”

“Will some muscle rub help?” you asked.

I know over-reliance on painkillers is dangerous. After that accident, I trained myself to take painkillers only when necessary. That caused my pain tolerance to increase to such a high level that I could be hurt and yet not be aware. “Sure.” I know muscle scrub doesn't help much, but I still gave you my arm. “Thank you.” I said again. Did I tell you, you are very gentle, very meticulous, very considerate, very detailed. You made me feel so warm that I am liquidifying from the inside.

I stopped you after a while, so you wouldn't be too tired. “This will do.”

“How do you know so much about astronomy, psychology?”

“Psychology?”

“Yes, like imaginery friends that we spoke about earlier?”

“I read a lot during my enlistment. Since I can’t do much other during the recovery period of my hand, other than reading. (I laughed, almost bitterly.) I am lucky that I still have a functional hand now. (You tapped my hand) I am okay. It has been so many years”, I recalled from the vague memory. Strange that I can tell you these freely, something which I almost never done before.

“Then, I was alone and shocked. Army sent me to a psychologist while on I was recovering. The psychologist was great. She helped me a lot, not only to recover from the shock of the accident, also on…” I looked at you, “on my abandonment experiences and lost feelings. With my lots of free time, I read up a lot, studied, taught myself to type using my left hand, gradually pulled myself out the lonely pit. After numerous sessions of therapy and loads of readings, I come to a conclusion that I didn’t and couldn’t choose what I was put into earlier. Being abandoned at the gate of a church as an infant was not an indication of my innate value. Feeling unwanted was inevitable but I don’t have to let those flawed concepts devalue my existence. The wounds are there, hidden, buried, waiting to resurface. Those are the exact wounds which I had to face to get a potential of recovery. Even if I couldn’t heal, at least acknowledge its existence and proceed on with it. It’s not a weakness as its not by choice. What I could choose is to acknowledge, understand, internalise, and hopefully heal one day. This drives me on. To be a better person. The pain stays but recurs less often now, hurts much less now, as I know what I value, and how much I am well worth to live.”

You patted my hand, “Your mind found Polaris, set the direction of your thoughts and how you feel. It’s a choice that you can make now.”

We shared a knowing look.

The next day, we went harvesting the limpets from the shorelines.

Prior to getting food, we splashed water at each other like little kids.

“Wow! The water is cold!”

“Yes, be careful!”

We have quite a harvest of limpets and conches in our pails, spading them off the rocks with our spades.

I heard a splash shortly after you chose to check out a cluster of rocks near the shores. I saw you struggled, almost floundered, in the waters. Immediately, I dived in and dragged you up.

You coughed a bit on the shore. I passed you a bottle of water. “How are you?”

“The waves came in too fast, and I got cramps in my legs suddenly.”

“The water must be too cold.”

Your lips was turning bluish. “Let’s go back and get you some hot tea. Can you walk?”

I assured you that I just drank some salt water and was really okay. However, you still made me lay down to rest while you prepared our meal.

"Are you really sure that you are okay?"

"Yes. Don't worry."

We shared a warm and hearty soup stew with our harvest, radish leaves and pepper.

"You cook well!"

"Thank Google."

I looked up from my bowl.

"I just learnt that from Google!"

We chuckled together.

I saw that you have set aside a portion of the limpet stew. “That’s for our landlord. We will give them the stew later, together with the other pot of kimchi. How does this pot of kimchi taste? Good?”

Just the right amount of crunchyness and spicyness. No ambushes of spring onions. This is much more than just good.

“Hyun, can I borrow your laptop to book our tickets back? So, we can spend more time here, instead of waiting at the station.”

“Sure. The password is my name, spelled backwards - Nuyh0616.”

Why does it sound so similar?, I thought. Till I see your wallpaper, which is the exact picture I received from the philanthropist photographer, the same picture that I used for my recent project,  “Hyun, are the the nameless philanthropist photographer?”

“I? …” I was caught off guard. How do you? …

We stared at the wallpaper in my laptop in amazement as that was the exact the same picture which I sent to my contact in Seoul around a month ago.

“You are him, the brilliant photographer who has lots of heart.”

We have ‘worked’ together for so long, and now, finally, we see and know each other .

My mind rocked from the initial astounding discovery.

I am sceptical and in much disbelief.

Nothing occurs at random, but everything occurs for a reason and by necessity. Like in all my circuits, I believe more in cause and effect, one thing leads to the other and everything happens for a reason.

Looking at you, at us, and what had happened, it is like the much unexpected, and the circumstances have defied simple reason and plain logic.  It didn’t happen during a vacation, but it has happened, just happened.

So… what should this be?

The concern, uneasyness, unsettleness, etc.. All those pieces gradually fall neatly into its respective places, revealing its complete picture. 

Fate has dawned on me in a different light.

I shuddered at that pure realisation.

If the unexplained has brought us so far, so what’s next? That will be a choice, and we have to come to an agreement, before moving towards north together, creating a common destiny.

The crux now is do you share my sentiments?

We were quiet on the way back, on the way to the airport.

We were very much wrapped, greatly, deeply, in our thoughts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd4ozdA4kc8 (Love is a Mystery - A piece that makes one feel wanted and at the same time you realize how alone you are.)