Lunch

“Ya”, Lime said. “What’s up with you today?” I sighed and failed to answer her question. I was too sad to talk and had kept my mouth shut since coming to school.

“Leave her”, Lu Han said. “She’s probably tired.”

“You’re sad the journalists left aren’t you?” Tao laughed. I got up and left the cafeteria for the rooftop where I was hoping I’d find some peace and quiet. ”I wasn’t only joking, Ji Sun ah. Don’t leave!”

Au contraire to belief though, I found Chen on the rooftop sitting at the edge of the building. I sat next to him and without as much of a glance, we just sat there looking at the world beneath us. He also seemed sad and as if he understood, he did not ask me what was wrong. We just enjoyed each other’s company in silence until the bell rang.

“You want to ditch for the rest of the day?” He asked. I nodded and so the minutes passed before us.

I took the time to think profoundly of what I wanted to do in the future, but even then my mind was blank. Instead I started thinking about how the next 4 years would be like without Kai. As my mind went through all the possible outcomes that could occur, I came to a decision but I didn’t know if it was the right one.

I ended up sighing and got up.

“I’ll be going”, I put my hand on his shoulder and got up.  I left the rooftop and walked to my classroom where the history teacher was holding class. I entered the room knowing everyone was looking at me and grabbed my backpack. Without a word from anyone, I left the classroom and finally school ground. Yes, I was that depressed.

Instead of going home, I walked to the bus station and jumped in one of the blue buses.  After making a phone call, I jumped off at Gangnam station about less than an hour later and walked my way to Sm academy. There were fans in front waiting, apparently for their oppas who were practicing at the moment. They might have been sasaengs, I didn’t know but I tried making my way through them but was pushed back.

“Ya!” One of them yelled. “Who do you think you are? We were standing here before you.”

“I’m sorry”, I bowed. “I wanted to go inside.”

“Everyone here wants to go inside”, another who was taller and bigger than me said.

“I’m sorry”, I bowed again and took out my phone to call. As the phone was ringing, I felt the fans’ eyes on me.

“Do I know you?” The one who spoke first asked. “I I’ve seen you somewhere.”

“I think you’re mistaken”, I politely smiled. With fans you had to be polite and smile if you didn’t want to cause a problem.

“Wife,” Kris asked once he answered the phone. “Where are you?”

“Stop calling me that”, I said in between my teeth so the fans wouldn’t hear me. “I’m out front but can’t get in.”

“Because of the fans?” He asked. “I’ll be right there.”

“No”, I said. “Don-” He hung up and I sighed. A few seconds later, the fans started screaming. I bitterly got ready to get in as the automatic see through double doors opened.

“Oppa!” The girls yelled. “Kris oppa!” And then came the compliment. “You look so handsome today.” And later the question. “Did you just practice for your new song?”

“Yes”, Kris answered. “I know I’m good looking.” I raised my hand and waved so he’d see me which he quickly did. “Hurry inside, Ji Eun.”

“Ji Eun?” The fans asked. They turned around looking for Ji Eun and I seized the opportunity and quickly entered the building.

“She’s that Go Ji Eun chick!” A fan yelled. Thankfully the door closed and I was free from them. I bowed to the secretary that recognised me and waved.

“What’s up with you leaving school?” Kris asked once we left the lobby. “Should you be doing that during your senior year?”

“I’m just depressed”, I explained.

“Why?” He questioned. “Did Kai put you in this mood?”

“He is leaving to study abroad next month”, I blurted out and thanked god Kris didn’t say anything. That was precisely why I had called him and not anyone else. I wanted to tell someone why I was down but I didn’t want to actually talk about it. Unlike what people thought of him, Kris was good at listening and and good at talking but bad at talking about the important stuff. He was good at making fun of things. “I wanted to get things off my mind so I called you.”

“I’m flattered”, he said.

“Because I figured you’d be here today”, I said.

“I’m still very flattered”, he smiled. We entered the dance room he was in and I put my bag in a corner.

“What are you dancing too?” I asked.

“Growl”, he answered.

“I love that song”, I said.

“Of course you do”, Kris picked up a remote. “Do you know the dance?”

“A little”, I said unsure of myself.

“Keep up if you can then”, he challenged me just when the music started.

About 3-4 minutes later, the song ended.

“Wow”, Kris was breathing heavily. “That’s what you call a little?”

“I know the basics”, I answered.

“Basics my ”, he laughed. “You were on Lay’s level. Even I can’t dance this good.”

“Sure you can”, I said.

“You’re no fun today”, Kris commented. “You’re being so serious it’s killing me.”

“Sorry”, I said. “Let’s just dance. Please? Let’s dance until we can’t move anymore.”

“If it’ll make you feel better.”

Later

Exo’s second manager entered the dancing room a while later. I bowed and greeted him.

“I’m just watching”, he smiled. “Don’t feel burdened by me.” I bowed again and followed Kris’s moves as I had been doing for the past hour? Hours? I didn’t know. When the song ended, I collapsed on the floor from exhaustion.

“Oh my god!” Kris yelled. “You have too much stamina wife!” I laughed for the first time since breakfast. “I told you to keep up when I was actually the one struggling to do so.” He reached out with his hand.

“Good job oppa”, I took his hand and he helped me up. “I think I’ll go now.”

“Wait a few minutes”, Kris said. Kim hyung can drive you home.”

“Take your time and rest a bit”, the manager answered.

“Thank you”, I bowed.

The Kim’s house was dark when the car stopped in front.

“Thank you for today”, I said to Kris. “It was fun to see you suffer.”

“You’re slowly coming back”, he remarked. “I’m glad.” I bowed to the manager and left the car. The manager also came out.

“Wait Ji Eun”, he said.

“Yes?”

“Here”, he gave me a piece of paper. I looked at it but wasn’t able to read it in the dark.

“What is it?” I asked.

“My business card”, he said. ”This isn’t the first time I saw your talent”, he explained, ”I’ve always known how good you were but it’s the first time I’ve actually imagined you on a stage while you were dancing.” I frowned.

“I’m sorry but I don’t quite understand”, I said. “What do you mean?”

“You’re really slow Ji Eun ah”, he laughed. “I’m telling you to call this number if you want to become a trainee under Sm Ent.” My eyes almost popped out of my eyes. 

“B-Bwo?”

“I’ll give you until next week to think about it”, he said. “Think well.” With those words said, he waved goodbye. 

I stood there in shock until the car was nowhere to be seen.

I was still in shock when I entered my bedroom. Once I closed the door, the lights . I jumped when I saw Kai standing in front of me.

“Where the hell have you been?” He asked. I quickly hid the card I received into the pocket of my blazer.

“Out”, I answered and threw my bag somewhere in the room. “Why?”

“I was worried about you”, he said. “Everyone called you several times.”

“I haven’t checked my phone”, I said. I took off my blazer and started ing my shirt.

“Are you really going to start acting like this because of what happened this morning?” He said.

“Acting like what?” I asked. “You were the one who left in anger with an attitude and now you’re blaming me.”

“I’m not blaming you”, he seemed flustered. “I’m sorry for this morning. I just wish we could put it behind us and try moving on.”

“Sure”, I agreed. “Let’s do so. You can go to America and study and I will just stay here doing whatever it is I’m doing.”

“You’re getting on my nerves”, he said.

“You’re getting on mine”, I declared. The two of us eyed each other until Kai slumped down on the bed.

“Fine”, he said. “I won’t go.” He looked at me with sincere eyes and I felt like the worst person in the world. “I’ll finish high school and then I’ll start at Seoul univ-” I hit his arm to make him stop. “Why?” My answer would be: I didn’t know I meant that much to you. But instead I asked:

“Am I really that bad a girlfriend? You think I’d let you do that?”

“I just hate the thought of having to lose you”, he said. “It’s really made me anxious ever since I found out about the scolarship.” I looked at him while thinking back on my decision from earlier today. I wasn’t confident about telling him what I wanted but seeing him like this I had no choice.

“I’m sorry”, I sat next to him. “I really want you to go to Harvard to get the education you deserve. It’s just that it’s four years, Jong In. We haven’t been together that long. With you leaving next month it’s like we’re not even giving this relationship a chance. If we go by the statistics, you leaving quadruples our chances of breaking up faster. It’s as if we never stoo-”

”You can’t just assume we’ll breakup because of statistics”, Kai shrugged. ”You’re the one who’s currently not giving our relationship a chance by making these assumptions.  I believe we can…” Kai hid behind his hands. ”I don’t want to give up on us.”

”Neither do I Kai”, I said. ”But we’re 18. Are we supposed to pause our lives for 4 years? What if you want to study longer than that? I don’t think I can make it 4 years without you by my side at least everyday, so how could I wait more than that?” I looked at him. ”I know they say love can conquer anything but we have to be real here. I don’t think it’s fair to any of us to have to go through this.”

”Don’t break us up”, he looked at me pleadingly. ”Please, don’t.”

”I’m not”, I said. ”But Kai, you know what you want to do. You have planned your life for the next four years. I have not. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing after graduation. Am I supposed to get a job, sit around and for you to come back home? It feels like if I’m to wait for you, all I’m going to be doing is depend on you more than I already do and plan my life around you.  Like, if I were to decide to end things while you’re over there you would still have your studies and your dreams to fall back. Me? I don’t have the same luxury. What becomes of me when you decide you don’t want me anymore? What becomes of me if you decide you want to live there for the rest of your life?” I paused momentarily. ”I need to find myself, find what I want to do, who I want to be. And I don’t think I can do that if I’m to plan my life around us.” Kai wasn’t looking at me but was focused on his hands. I held his hands and he turned to me. Seeing the tears in his eyes made my heart ache worse. ”You’re going to be a great man in the future, Kai. You’re going to be doing amazing things and I don’t want to hold you back from pursuing that. I want to take those years without you by my side as a time to learn to be my own person.” I looked into his eyes just to see a simple reaction. He touched my cheek gently and then he pulled me in for a passionate kiss I didn’t know I was longing for. Soon my shirt and bra came off and I was on top of his lap. Kai played with my twins while I unbuckled his belt and freed him. It didn’t take long before he was inside me that we were in sync. When we both came, him first then me, we hid under my bed covers embracing each other and simply being. We hadn’t spoken a word since what I had said and I was patiently waiting for him to do so. Kai was placing kisses on my body from time to time.

”I heard you”, he finally said when I was half awake half asleep. ”I understood you and I want you to know that I love you and that no matter what happens when I leave I always will.” I pulled him as close to me as I could, feeling every inch of him on me. Kai had just told me he loved me. Never had I heard him those words to anyone before. Never had I thought he’d say those words to me. “Let’s make the best of the time we have left.”

“Let’s”, I agreed.

The following morning I was in my room looking at Manager Kim’s card. I had no plans after high school and the only thing I was good at was music, yet here I had gotten the opportunity to pursue that, but although I was only a call away to seize my dream, I wasn’t sure of myself. I had a hard time seeing myself working in the harsh music industry. I was very free as a person and I liked to say what I thought and felt. If I were to work in the music industry I knew I’d have to fake a lot of things. I knew I’d get criticised every day for doing the slightest thing and go through much worse. But I didn’t many options. It was too late to apply for a school and my grades were not good enough to get a scholarship. And even if I had gotten into a schoo, what would I study? Maybe I should study to be a lawyer so I could work in the same field as Kai? I immediately shook my head. This was going against what I’d told Kai yesterday about wanting ti not depend on him so much. I liked writing lyrics or poetry and music and that was I should focus on doing. However thing I knew for sure was that studying music full time in a university didn’t sound appealing to me. I wanted to perform, so this business card was indeed the key to getting everything I wanted.

This got my thinking deeper into things. Why did Kim give me his card? I was too old to become a trainee and I wasn’t pretty enough. In the Korean music business, youth and appearance played a huge factor in becoming an artist. So what did Exo’s manager give see in me besides the fact that I could dance and sing to give me that card? I picked up my phone to dial his number but backtracked and called Chen instead.

“I heard you outdid yourself last night”, Chen said after picking up. My face grew red thinking he was talking about Kai and I.

”Doing what?” I asked cautiously.

”Dancing with Kris”, he laughed. ”What do you think I meant?” I let out a deep breath feeling at ease.

“Jong Dae”, I said. “Idol… Do you think I can become one?” Chen kept silent for a moment. I figured he wanted to see if I was being serious and therefore I continued. “I don’t know what I’m going to do after graduation. I’m not good at studying and I can only sing and dance. There is nothing else that sparks my interest.” I paused. “I’m asking you since I think you can be really honest with me.”

“I think that you could be an idol if you put your mind to it”, he said. “But I don’t want you to seek that path in your life.”

“Why?”

“Because”, he paused and grew a serious tone when he spoke again, “because then you wouldn’t be able to be free, Ji Eun.  I’ve debuted for only a few months ago, but I already miss the days I was a trainee even though those days were literally hell. Back then I could do what I wanted, say what I wanted. Today I’m stuck with having to think thrice before doing, wearing or even saying anything. I know you’re strong and you could handle so if that’s what you want, go for it. I’ll support you fully.”

“Go for it”, I repeated in deep thought.

“I think you should really do it”, he said. ”It would be fun to be on stage with you.”

“Kim hyung gave me his business card,” I informed him. “He told me to give him a call if I wanted to be a trainee at SM.”

“Really?” By the tone of his voice I knew he was pretending to be surprised. “What did you say?”

“That I’d think about it”, I said. “But you already knew that didn’t you?”

“Noo”, he answered too quickly. I grew more suspicious. “Waaah, I can already see us being label mates. We would to concerts together, overseas and just hang out all the time.”

“Did you ask him to give me an opportunity?” I asked.

“Busted”, he admitted. “But we asked him during summer.” 

”We?” I asked.

“He declined though saying something about it being too easy to get in by connections. He wanted to see something special. I guess he saw it yesterday.” Chen paused. “But think about it sincerely. Think about what you really want to do.”

“I will”, I reassured him. “See you.” After he hung up, I collapsed on the bed and dialled the next number.

“Halo?” I asked. “It’s Go Ji Eun.”

“You’ve made up your mind?” Kim sounded distracted.

“Yes is the answer”, I said. “But could I start training or whatever you want me to do officially in one month and a few days? I have big tests this month I need to focus on.” I knew I’d lied but I needed to be able to spend this upcoming month with Kai and Kai only.

“There’s no rush”, he said “We need to go all the paperworks and rules and deals and that should take about that time. You’ll from me in exactly one month and then we start.”

”Alright”, I said.

”And Go Ji Eun”, he said, ”This is the only time you get off from now on so enjoy your last month of freedom.”

“I will”, I said and hung up. i heaved out feeling like all the weights on my shoulder had been lifted. At least now I had something to do after graduation. I would train and help out at my dad’s restaurant to get pocket money and hope that if and when I debuted, I would succeed. The door opened and I hid the business card. Kai came in.

”Let’s go to school?” I grabbed my thighs and followed him.