I don’t know how long I was in the bathroom for but when I came out, Kai was no longer where he sat and I was more than thankful for that. He had literally just told me he was in love with me, out of nowhere, like it wasn’t a big deal. Kai had just revealed the one thing I wanted to hear from him for so long and for the first time of whatever we had going on I didn’t know what to do. 

After giving it much thought, I decided to just put in the back of my mind for now and get ready for dinner. I took a shower, got dressed and prepped and felt ready to take on whatever was going to happen.

Downstairs, I found Min Ho, Mr. Kim and Mrs. Kim and dad all dressed up. Min Ho was in a nice cashmere sweater and a pair of costume pants. Mrs Kim was dressed in a simple white dress and pearls around her neck. Her hair was curled up and shining as bright as her smile and eyes. Mr. Kim and dad were wearing black suits that looked dashing on him.

“You look so beautiful Ji Eun ah”, Mrs. Kim walked over to me and planted a kiss on my cheek. Christmas dinner at the Kim’s was on the expensive side, Mrs. Kim had warned me so I had to dress up. I was wearing a red and thigh length dress with spaghetti straps that went as close to my neck as they could. The upper part of the dress was tighter and the lower part a bit more flowy, like a skater dresses bottom. My hair was up in a bun and the only jewelry on me consisted of my golden earrings.

“So do you”, I said. I looked around the house. The decorations were on point. The dining room especially looked so cozy and beautiful. Everything was just perfect.

I heard footsteps coming from up the stairs and quickly shift my gaze towards the second floor. My heart stopped at the sight of Kai. He was dressed in a white shirt, with a red tie nicely tied around. He was wearing black trousers and some nice black shoes. His hair was combed and sleeked back revealing his handsome face. At the sight of him I just couldn’t help but fall for him all over again. And it didn’t help that his piercing eyes were lasers into mine.

As Kai made his way, the doorbell rang and I woke up from my trance. I hurried on the heels I was wearing to the front gate. The first thing Chen did when he saw me was just stare in awe. Then he kissed me.

“You look beautiful”, he said when we ended our kiss, “My god, Ji Eun.” He kissed me again. I couldn’t help but smile at how cute he was there he stood in his blue shirt and navy blue suit. We walked inside the house hand in hand. With him by my side I couldn’t but feel confident, happy and just in a good mood.

We entered the living room and the few heads in the room turned to us. Chen let go of my hand and bowed while greeting everyone.

“You’ve gotten so thin Chen”, Mrs. Kim whined with concern as she hugged him. “Come,” she held his arm and led him to the dining room. “I’m going to feed you good.”

Automatically everyone followed them to the dining room where we all sat down. Mr Kim was at the head of the table. At each of his sides sat Mrs. Kim and then my dad. Next to Mrs. Kim sat Min Ho. Next to my dad sat Kai and then me and in front me but next to Min Ho sat Chen.

“Alright”, Mr. Kim said, “Let’s begin with a toast.” Once we all got each a serving of champagne whereas Min Ho got some juice, Mr. Kim stood up. “I want to first of all wish you all a merry Christmas and welcome Chen to this lovely dinner.” He cleared his throat. “To my wife, I love you and I will always look up to you and admire you for your strength in holding this house together. You are amazing.” Mrs. Kim’s face lit up with a big smile and I just felt so proud to have her in my life. “Min Ho, my little son. You have always been smart and mature but this year you’ve also shown that you are more than that. You have shown extreme kindness, that you are strong and a fighter. It pleases me that you take after your mother and not me.” Min Ho was hiding behind his glass probably embarrassed his dad was praising him. 

“And Jong In.” At the mention of Kai’s name I felt nervous. “You and I always see eye to eye. Compared to your little brother, you unfortunately take after me.” I couldn’t help but laugh along with everyone. “However this past year I have noticed a change in you. It was a change I did not know how to handle. At first I was disappointed that you went against my wishes and chose not to go to college earlier. That was the first time you ever did something I wasn’t supportive of.” The laughter had stopped.

”When you chose to go to France during summer instead of attending a medical trainee program with a guaranteed spot I was also furious, at first. Then I realised that you were no longer my little Kim Jong In, but that you were now a grown man that knew what he wanted and was mature enough to make his own decisions and that I couldn’t stay mad at. You have always made me proud and this year you’ve made me more so than ever.”

Mr Kim continued his speech and I quickly glanced at Kai who was sitting next to me before turning back to Mr. Kim. Although Kai had looked like he wasn’t fazed at all, I knew and could feel he was. His entire demeanour was tense. The fingers on his right hand were nervously dancing on his lap underneath the table 

Without giving it much thought, I took his shaking hand and held it tightly underneath the table. Kai immediately relaxed and turned to me but I continued to look at Mr. Kim. When I felt he was calm enough, I removed my hand but Kai reached back for it, grabbed hold of it again and rested both our hands on his lap. He held on tightly and did not let go.

My heart was nervously beating and I felt panic rise up. I just wanted to calm him down, I wasn’t trying to hold his hand. Just then I felt Chen’s leg slightly touch mine and looked at him. He was smiling at me. I smiled back feeling the panic factor raise its bar from medium to high. I tried again to remove my hand but there was no luck. Kai had let go of his drink and was now holding my one hand with both his hands. I was screwed. 

“My good friend Jae Hyun”, Mr. Kim continued. I was trying hard to focus. “Thank you for entrusting us with your daughter and also for just showing so much love to my sons and my wife. Really, as someone who’s not always at home I really appreciate the effort you’ve put as a second father figure to them. Thank you.” My dad smiled and clapped Mr. Kim’s back supportively.

“To the daughter I’ve always wanted to have, Ji Eun. You have been a part of this family for a long time but more officially this year. I would like to especially thank you for, although you may not realize this, your presence in this house has done so much to this family. Mrs. Kim is always raving about you.” He began whispering towards me, “You didn’t hear this from me but I think you’re secretly her favorite child.” Everyone laughed and smiled and I let out a shy laugh as to not spill any of the champagne I was tightly holding in my free hand due to the stress Kai was giving me. He was still holding my hand and now he was slowly caressing it, sending chills down my spine. 

“Your influence has even turned Min Ho into such a kind young man. Even if he acts up from time to time, I can see how much he cherishes and respects you and I hope your bond continues to grow.” I winked at Min Ho who pretended to be disgusted. “And also, I know you and Jong In haven’t had the easiest time in this house together.”

When he said that, I felt the entire table tense up. It was like everyone knew and was aware of everything between Kai and me even if they barely knew half of it. Kai had now stopped caressing my hand and was simply holding it tightly again. Even he had tensed up. “But I hope that you know that you are one of the reasons he has grown so tremendously and that although he acts like a hard , Jong In does care about you.”

Now when I tell you I felt panic before, that was now mixed with a feeling of awkwardness for Chen who just sitting there having to hear this because none of them knew we were a thing. “So I would like to thank you for influencing my sons for the better, Ji Eun ah. I hope to see you back in the house soon so we can all become a whole family again.” He turned to Kai. “I am expecting a full apology from you by the end of this evening to Ji Eun.”

“I already have”, Kai answered and let go of my hand. I quickly pulled it back to where it was before. I felt the pressure coming off and looked at Chen to see how he was doing. He was smiling but the look on his face was saying something else and I didn’t know what. That’s when I realized he wasn’t looking at me, but he was looking at Kai. And Kai was also looking at him. I felt like I had missed a prior interaction between the both of them and I just knew Kai was the one who had provoked it.

“Wonderful”, Mr. Kim smiled. “Merry Christmas everyone. Cheers.” We all cheered.

With music in the background and small conversations spreading across the table, we were all eating well. Chen was still not entirely himself but it seemed he had gotten a little over whatever had happened earlier. Although he spoke to others his eyes had been on me all night and I felt so appreciated and just lucky.

“Here”, Kai put some veggies on my plate. Of course he had to ruin the moment between Chen and me. I turned to him wanting to tell him to stop whatever he was doing but when I saw him smiling, I couldn’t. His smile got to me and I knew I was blushing. 

Urgh, what was wrong with me? Whatever he did, whether small or big gestures, he always got to me. Kai didn’t even have to try hard with me. He could just breathe and I would go all fuzzy for him. It was ridiculous how much power he had over me. So ridiculous, I got up. I grabbed my glass and tapped it softly with a knife. When everyone turned to me, I felt a little nervous not knowing how people would react.

“I have an announcement to make”, I began. “As you all know Chen and I have been friends for half a year now, however since I moved out we’ve become much closer and our friendship has now blossomed into something more. Chen and I have always known we liked each other as more than friends and we have decided to explore these feelings.” I walked up to Chen and held his hand. “Hm… Chen and I are dating.”

“I knew it!” Min Ho said. 

“Congratulations Ji Eun”, Mr. Kim added. “Chen, you are a lucky guy.”

“Thank you”, Chen bowed. 

“For a second there I thought you had given up, Chen”, my dad smiled. Chen laughed and tightened his grip on my hands. “Congratulations to you two. I couldn’t be happier.” I went back to my seat and looked over at Mrs. Kim but her jovial face was long gone. She did not look happy at all which was exactly what I had feared about announcing this. I know Mrs. Kim wanted me to be with her son and so did I in the beginning, but we all knew how many times I tried. There was no going back. This was how things where now.

“How long has this been going on?” Mrs. Kim asked.

“Almost about two months”, I looked at Chen who nodded. 

“And your management is okay with this, Chen?” Mrs. Kim asked.

“Yes”, Chen answered. “Everyone knows Ji Eun and they are doing their best to keep it under wraps.” I listened as Chen was explaining how SM was handling the relationship but honestly my mind wasn’t there. It was right on my left side where Kai was sitting. I hadn’t dared to look at him while making my announcement and right now I could just feel his coldness oozing off. He was definitely not in a good mood at the moment and to prove my point, he got up without even excusing himself and left the dining room. Only then did I dare look at where he’d been sitting. Where did he go? “Right, Ji Eun ah?” 

I quickly turned to Chen. I had stopped listening to him and had no idea what he was even talking about, but to me that wasn’t really important right now. I had to find Kai. Not knowing what he was thinking or feeling at this moment was killing me. I needed to talk to him, to know he was okay.

“I’ll be right back”, I said. As I left the dining room for the second floor, I made sure I wasn’t rushing in my steps. 

The second living room was empty and so was Kai’s bedroom. The only door that was slightly open was my old bedroom. There I found him sitting on the edge of my bed. He was looking down on something in his hand.

“Jong In”, I stood against the closed door.

“I screwed up, didn’t I?” He let out a short laugh. I didn’t have to answer. We both know he screwed up and there was no need to rub it in his face. I just stood there and let him take his time. Eventually he lifted his head up to look at me. “That time at your dad’s restaurant... you guys were on a date?” I nodded. “Does he treat you well?” He shrugged at his own question. “Of course he does, he’s a better person than me.” 

“Jong In”, I called. I didn’t like seeing him so... down. It wasn’t him. And to know I was the cause of that didn’t feel good at all. “You’re a good person.”

“Just not as good as him”, he answered. “Otherwise I would be the one with you.” He sighed and I walked over to him. I crouched down in front of him so we’d face each other. His hand went up to my cheek and I closed my eyes to calm down at the butterflies his mere touch and presence was giving me. “You are the most beautiful girl I know, Ji Eun. Inside and out." I opened my eyes and met his. "I need you to know that.” The fact that he was telling me this after I had told him how insecure I felt when around him meant the world to me. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise how much you meant to me sooner and took my time with that revelation.”

I could feel the energy that was between us right then and there. I wanted to kiss him and I knew he wanted to kiss me too.  We both knew it was wrong and I was scared that if he still tried I wouldn’t be able to stop him. And when I saw his face getting closer to mine I knew I was screwed. Fortunately he just planted a kiss on my forehead and leaned his head against mine.

”I got you a present for Christmas and your birthday”, he said softly. He opened the palm of his hands revealing a golden bracelet. The initial J was written on it. ”It stands for both our names.” I touched the bracelet. It was beautiful.

”Jong In ah”, I began. It pained me to say it but I had to, ”I can’t.” I couldn’t accept this or wear it. Not when I was dating Chen. 

”I know”, he said. ”I just… I’ll keep it.” He closed his hand and gave me the saddest smile I had ever seen him wear. ”Thank you for keeping me calm earlier.”  His hand touched my cheeks softly and I took a deep breath with my eyes closed. I don’t know how long we sat there like that but it lasted a while.