Jinyoung knew what Ravi said was true, he was thinking too much about things, but the one thing that he never thought about was his own happiness. Jinyoung wouldn’t say that he is unhappy with his life, he knew that he wasn’t the most fortunate but he never dwelled on those things. If he had focused on things he lost and what everyone else had, he’d never be able to move forward. Jinyoung never really had an urge to do things for himself, Bambam had always required more attention than himself. However, with Mark it was a different story, Jinyoung liked his life. He knew if he and Bambam were always together that would be enough for him. Mark Tuan proved that wrong, Mark made him want more though than that. When he is with Mark it was like his life gained more meaning and a new happiness. Making sure Mark was happy became a necessity because if the older boy was upset or sad, there was an aching, dull pain in Jinyoung chest that would go away until Mark was okay. Jinyoung found himself craving Mark’s smile though out the day, there would be a slight disappointment lingering if he didn’t get it. The little things Mark did had become necessities in Jinyoung’s life and Jinyoung didn’t even realize how bad it became until they were missing and there was an emptiness creeping in his chest. When Mark’s room was fixed Jinyoung found, himself worrying if Mark would go back to his own room, the younger was accustomed to Mark at that point. Having Mark next to him when he woke up in the morning was a great start to his morning. His favorite sight was a sleeping Mark and Jinyoung loved seeing Mark at peace and his real self. Being with Mark and wanting a relationship with him was never a question because he wouldn’t have to think, it would be an easy yes. If Jinyoung was enough for Mark, then he would not have so many worries about starting a relationship.

                Jinyoung walked into the dorm and saw Mark on the chair sitting on the couch with his textbook reading. Mark looked up at the sound of the door opening and saw Jinyoung walked, he looked a bit hesitant to speak for a second. Mark didn’t know if Jinyoung was still mad at him and he still didn’t know what he did wrong. Jinyoung looked much calmer than earlier, Mark put his book down and move over so to make room Jinyoung. Jinyoung put his duffle bag down to the side and walked over the couch, he sat next to Mark, Mark was wary but spoke first. “How did you tryout go?” Mark said, trying to gauge Jinyoung’s mood. “It went well, I made the team,” Jinyoung said shortly because of his nervousness, but Mark took it as the younger was still mad. Mark didn’t want to give up though seeing as Jinyoung responded he must’ve cool down. “How were your dinner date with Ravi?” Mark said slightly bitter, even though he told the younger it was alright to go, he is still jealous that the younger was so closer so fast with Ravi. “Umm it was good,  he gave me some advice and help me come to a decision with something. He told me I should talk with you.” Jinyoung said, readying himself before he psyches himself out of talking with Mark. Mark looked a bit curious, “You told him why you were mad?” Mark said not particularly happy that Jinyoung could talk to Ravi about them and not even talk to him about their issues. “not initially, but he noticed that I was upset and I ended up talking to him about. It did help me out a bit, though, I have something to tell but can you promise me that you will just listen and not respond until I finish.” Jinyoung said shaking away his nerves and taking on a serious tone, Mark was startled by the suddenness of his tone. “Umm okay,” Mark said warily, he was glad that Jinyoung wanted to talk but the aspect of not saying anything and the seriousness in his tone was unsettling. Jinyoung looked at Mark directly I spoke with Ravi hyung, he told some things and I think he may be right.” Mark nodded and tried not to get jealous at the mention of Ravi.

                “Well, First off, I might have overreacted but I’m not sorry for getting angry at you. Also, I am not sorry for not talking it out. Although, it may have been and overreaction on my part, I am quite irritated with you. However, Ravi explained to me that you probably don’t understand why I am mad. Even if I told you why I was mad, it might be hard for you grasp why I am still irritated. I understand that you were just trying to protect me from Mino, and you were actually restraining yourself already. However, I am annoyed that you can just rush into fighting someone, regardless of the reason. I know the reason was with good intention and not our fault, but that doesn’t mean everyone would understand it that way. What, if Mino twisted the situation and made it seem like it was all your fault. You would have gotten in enough trouble, that your track record alone would be all that is needed to get you expelled.” Mark wanted to defend himself, but he promised he wouldn’t speak until Jinyoung finished, so he settled for clenching his fist to hold back. Jinyoung noticed the shift in Mark’s demeanor and held his hand, the elder’s knuckles were turning white the amount of force he was using.  Jinyoung rubbed his knuckles until the older calmed down and then intertwined his fingers in Mark’s, “This my point hyung, you are too reactionary. You don’t think about the outcome of you actions, I know you really only care about the opinions of people you care about. However, I care about you too and just as much as you care about me. So, I completely understand how you must’ve of felt, having to hear Mino talk to me like and act that way must’ve upset you. I can imagine but sometimes you need to weigh the options and results that may occur based on your actions. Just how it would upset you if people were to think a certain way about me, the same applies to me. People think you some kind of cold, American bad boy, you aren’t, and I know that just me knowing that may be enough for you, but it isn’t for me. Those incorrect perceptions of you make people underestimate you and look at you in a light that they shouldn’t, it bothers me when people think you are limited to your face. You are so much more than a good-looking face; you’re smart, caring and hard working. You aren’t a bad boy, a burden, or a trouble make, you’ve done so much to turn around your life. Although, you say it was so Nichkhun didn’t regret trusting and believing in you. I believe it was also to show your parents you are capable of being more than they expected, that you are worth more time than they gave you. I was so upset, not because of what you did, rather because of the fact that you have to prove your self worth. I can see how amazing you are and how far you’ve come.

While, I understand that even if your parents were the reason you acted out, it was ultimately your own fault for choosing to conduct yourself in the way you did. So, I understand why you need to prove yourself, fighting with Mino would’ve set all you have done the past four years back and it wouldn’t matter if your actions were done out of good intentions. Good intentions or not, it doesn’t necessarily mean things will work out because you were right or if Mino deserves it. I could’ve have fought back and hit Mino also, but I realize that while it  would have quickly fixed my problem,  It also would’ve had instantly result in me losing my scholarship. Mino is a jerk, but he isn’t worth losing everything I worked hard for. If you were to get in trouble for fighting with Mino, I would have been the catalyst. Imagine how I would feel if you were to get in trouble on my behalf. If the situation were to be reversed you wouldn’t want me to hit him either. I am sorry for going overboard, but I don’t approve of what you were about to do, even if you didn’t do it, you were ready to do it. That is what matters, I don’t want you to throw away all the progress you have made for someone like Mino. Bambam used to get picked on in the orphanage for being different and people would even hit him, as his brother I wanted to defend him physically and show everyone that you will not mess with my baby brother. However, I knew that would have only solve the surface issue, but not another issue that would come. They picked on him because he was easy and they were hurting. The bully in the orphanage made Bambam a target because I was always liked and also being the one picked for adoption. I understood his feeling, not that I approved of his methods, but fighting back would only make me look like a misfit and taught Bambam the fighting is the key to everything. Instead, I took Bambam’s beating and told Bambam to not let anyone make you into a person who you’d be ashamed to be. I did that for years because I knew, it would pay off and it did me and Bambam are here now. We have a life that we have made for ourselves and can be proud of. I not saying to be a martyr, I did once time fight back because there was something that was unforgivable and I couldn’t avoid fighting, fighting was the only option I had. However, most of the time it can be avoided, like with Mino it was avoidable, and you need to learn that. It's upsetting that you don’t think of yourself, you are too narrow-minded when it comes to dealing with your anger and it is not okay. I thought that trying to be understanding was the way to approach this issue because this isn’ the first time I’ve felt like this. But I think it better to show you how much it upsets me, because in order to help you grow and myself we shouldn’t push away things that upset us.” Jinyoung finished up and looked at Mark, “Can I speak now?” Mark asked. “I’m not done with everything I have to say.” “Okay.” Mark nodded and finally noticed Jinyoung’s nervousness. Mark held Jinyoung’s hand back tightly, “It’s me Jinyoung, you don't have to be nervous. Say what you have to say, I’ll listen and we can talk, there is no reason to be nervous.”

                “Well, talking with Ravi hyung I realized maybe he is right. He asked me if I trusted you…” “Do you?” Mark questioned forgetting he promised to listen and not talk, but he foud it hard to keep quiet after hearing that. Mark wanted to know the answer to that question. “I’m sorry…I just-I need to know the answer to that. I know I promised, but I jus-“ Mark started to ramble because he was really scared that the answer could be no. “Yes,” Jinyoung said cutting off Mark, Mark visibly relaxed not remember when exactly he actually tensed up, to begin with. “I didn’t have to even think when he asked me that question. It was really his next question that had me thinking, he asked what was the problem if I trusted you and if I love you? Why did I not want to be in a relationship?” Mark wanted to know that too, but this time didn’t interrupt Jinyoung, seeing how much more nervous Jinyoung seemed to be getting. Mark held his hands tighter and rubbed the back of Jinyoung’s palms with his thumb. “I thought about it and logically there was no reason for me to be so hesitant, but yet I still was. That’s when I had to faced the truth, I am scared, Mark. I trust you and believe in you, that has never been the issue but I love you so much, the only other people who are this important to me are my parents and Bambam. I’ve never felt what I feel for you before and it is a completely different kind of love than the kind I have for my family. You mean more than you can Imagine to me, I’m just scared because of that. I am not sure if I can live up to be the standard of the person you need. I have a lot of baggage, I’ve never lived my life worrying about my shortcomings, but rather just looking forward and doing what is necessary to teach Bambam how my parents taught me and provide for him. I can’t give you all the attention you deserve because no matter how much I love you, I can’t just do something that could potential hurt Bambam. However, I also don’t want to give you up, I’m selfish. Truthfully, I don’ think I am enough for you and being in a relationship will just show you how many shortcomings I have. I didn’t want to get in a relationship with you because I didn’t want to risk you finding out I am not the amazing person you think, I was scared if you just left me after realizing that.”

                Mark couldn’t bear listening to this anymore because the younger was ridiculous, “I can’t just listen to this anymore. I am sorry, I tried to keep my promise, but I rather keep the other promise I made more than this one. You may not realize it Jinyoung, but I do you, you are worth more to me than anything I’ve ever had in my life. You make me smile and happy on a daily basis, just by being by my side and caring for me. I may not always be happy with your actions and we may mess up and have plenty of fights, but the fact that I love you can never change. I don’t need a promise of perfection, people fight and argue it all apart of growth, you taught me that. I want you and I knew what that would entail, I know how much you love your brother and what your personality was like before I feel in love. I may not always be happy with your need to put everyone elses needs above yourself. I will most definitely be jealous about 85% of the time of being with you. I will get annoyed and say hurtful things to you when I get mad, I can’t change overnight but for you I can try by very best to. Despite all those things that you still care for me, you can see the person that I can be and don’t give up on me despite my ed up track record. You believe in me and that’s all I ever wanted for so long and yet you still think you not enough for me. You are all I’ve ever wanted and I never knew I wanted. You made me believe changing was possible for me, you make me a better person, I don’t care if you can’t always be there because you have other responsibilities. I’ve gone through that with my parents, but the only difference with you is you don’t try to buy my things to make up for leaving me alone or not always being there for me. You make sure to have time for me, you don’t assume that I will be okay or do things to ease your own guilt. You sincerely show me every day that I matter and that I am just as important to as the other things in your life and if not more important sometimes. Even if you're not around all the time to show me it, you made it okay for me to be by myself and still be able to feel like I am loved. You’ve made all the bitterness, hurt, and resentment in my heart fade slowly. I don’t know what you believe I deserve, but you have done more to heal me than anyone I know. Nichkhun hyung and Jackson tried and I  appreciate them for that, but because of you, I can actually admit that I love and care for them for all they’ve done and not feel like a burden to them. You successfully made me better and feel better about myself. So please don’t say such things about yourself, you mean the world to me and I could never thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. I want to spend forever trying though, just being with you and having you in my life is a thought that makes me happy.” Mark said, he never once looked away from Jinyoung’s eyes, his gaze was intense and filled with sincerity, admiration, thankfulness, and adoration. It made Jinyoung feel like he was special, Jinyoung tears slipped out his eyes, he had never felt so happy and appreciated in his life. Jinyoung never once thought what he did for people was amazing or worthy of praise, it was just something he did because it was in his nature. However, Mark made it seem like Jinyoung’s very existence was a treasure and the weird thing was Jinyoung was actually starting to believe Mark’s words and slowly believe that maybe he did deserve to be selfish and want Mark.

                Mark wiped Jinyoung, “please don’t cry Jinyoung it hurts me to see you cry!” Mark said pleading nuzzling himself into Jinyoung’s neck.” “I’m sorry Mark hyung.” Jinyoung said sniffling, “You don’t have to apologize.” “No hyung, I'm sorry hyung for letting my insecurities get in the way of us. I love and no matter how scary and how many insecurities and worriesI have, I won’t let them affect us anymore. I want to be happy and to make you happy, it may be difficult and it maybe take a lot of work to maintain, but I want to try. We may both be messed up, but waiting for everything to perfect before having a relationship will take to long and things may never be ideal for us. I am willing to try the very best I can to make us work. You are worth it, it may be risky, but if getting to be with you for a long time is the reward, I am willing to do everything to fix myself and change for the better too. So, if it isn’t too late, Mark hyung will you be my boyfriend.” Mark felt himself tear up and looked at Jinyoung with so much hope, it made the younger melt. “You better not be joking with me. I won’t allow you to take these words back. You have to deal with my moodiness and take responsibility for what you made me into.” Mark said seriously and Jinyoung chuckled, “Gladly, as long as you’ll want me too.” Mark smiled so big and Jinyoung decided he like that smile, because it was proof that he made the older happy. “I am annoyed you asked me after turning me down, but regardless it is still yes. It will be always yes, if it is you Jinyoung, so you better prepare yourself because I'm not letting you go. You are stuck with me you got that!” Mark said childishly, but he didn’t care how he sounded, he was happy Jinyoung was his and that was all he needed. He would proudly say it to the world and anyone could think of him as weird, but it wouldn’t matter because the one person who mattered the most was his.  Jinyoung smiled before his eyes softened, “No matter what, I will always stick by your side okay? I trust you Mark and I love you, if I get difficult and worry about things please stick by me?” Jinyoung asked knowing fully well he will sometimes be difficult and worry about the infinite possibilities he could predict. Mark smile lessen and he got serious again, he took Jinoyung’s face in his hands and kissed the younger softly. “I. will. be. there. to. calm. down. that. brain. of. yours.” Mark said planting a soft kiss on Jinyoung’s lips between each word, Mark rested his forehead on Jinyoung’s. Jinyoung looked into Mark’s eyes before speaking, “I’ve never thought about having a relationship or falling in love, it never seemed to be important. I was always focus on other things, making sure I kept my promise to my mom. It was never something that weighed on me, even when I met you. It wasn’t that I was interest in being with you or that I had any romantic feelings for you. I really only intended to be a friend, I could see there was something holding you back. You were trying hard to not care about anyone or anything. I knew that you wanted someone to reach out to help you.  The funny thing is that I’ve never thought of myself as unfortunate or someone to be pitied, I always lived grateful that Bambam survived. I’ve lived for him and for helping others and I was content with just that.” Mark listened to Jinyoung, but he was confused he wasn’t catching onto why Jinyoung was telling him this. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but Jinyoung doesn’t necessarily talk like this without reason. Jinyoung was friendly, but he was not Jackson, Bambam, or Youngjae.  Jinyoung isn’t the type to talk about himself and tell you about him on his own accord, the younger wasn’t hinding anything but he tends not to share about himself unless asked or when he had some reason in doing so. Mark couldn’t understand where Jinyoung was going with his speech now, it wasn’t problem but it was out of the ordinary. However, Mark decides he should just listen to what the younger was saying.

“At least, that was what I initially thought. I’ve always been good at hiding feelings or reserving my them, it gave me time observe other people and their feelings. I became good at read people's emotions, but with you it was different. You are much better at hiding your feelings and I just assumed that over the years I had become really good at reading people. Though, I’ve come to realized that wasn’t the case, you were the easiest person for me to read because I knew that person you were trying to be. I convinced myself that if Bambam was safe that’s all I needed. But, when I met you I thought it was because I wanted help you, why I took so much interest in you. That was a reason but sub-consciously I was trying to help you because I saw me in you. I didn’t realize it then, but I wasn’t content with my life. I was just trying to get by passively, it’s only when I met you I started realizing how much things really affected me. I realized that eventually being there for you was my way of healing too. You make it so easy for me to let go and be Jinyoung; not just Bambam’s big brother, not just Jinyoung the orphan, Jinyoung the top student, or Jinyoung who is suppose to be perfect. You made it alright to be just Jinyoung; you made it alright for me to cry, for me to hurt, for me to not have to be what everyone needs but someone who can just be themself. Even if most of the time that means I am crying or going through pain. It sounds crazy, but all I’ve ever wanted was for some to tell me it okay to cry or hurt. I’ve always wanted, just even if it is once,  for someone to tell me ‘it okay, it will all be alright.’ I was so used to saying it other people and to myself, I didn’t realize that last time I heard someone say it to me was when my mother died. That was the last day that I was ever just Jinyoung. Mark felt his eyes tear up, Jinyoung pulled away to smile at Mark, “Thank you for just letting me be Jinyoung. Thank you for loving me for me and not perfect Jinyoung everyone wants me to be all the time. Thank you for accepting me for all my faults. However, I’m not sure if I can thank enough for this, but thank you for teaching me that just being Jinyoung is enough and just as special as ‘perfect Jinyoung’.” Mark felt his  heart clench, he always knew Jinyoung didn’t see what he saw, but he never realized that it was to the this extent. Mark pulled Jinyoung into a tight hug and whispered in his ears, “You never have to thank me for any of that. It’s not fair that you had to live your life thinking like that, but remember this, Park Jinyoung is special and one of a kind. You are the perfect Jinyoung, you are Bambam’s brother, you are an orphan, but those are just pieces of you that make up you. The other parts that you see as faults and imperfections, are equally as a special  because all of them together make up you. To me that’s what makes you perfect. You are gorgeous, but your physical appearance pales in comparison to the beauty inside. That’s who I love, everything else are just extra reasons to fall in love with you more and anyone who can’t see that, isn’t worthy to have you in their life. I wouldn’t change you, even though I get jealous a lot because of how easily you befriend people and disregard the idea the are being hitting on. That is a part of Jinyoung, I love the good, the bad, the annoying, and the beauty that makes you up. Don’t ever forget that you don’t HAVE to change who you are or hide any part of yourself for anyone else. Change happens when you choose you want to, not because someone wants you too for there benefits. A person whoe ares about you loves you for you and only wnts you to change when it means it better for you, not them” Jinyoung sighed into Mark’s hug and pulled away, “I’ll remember that, but you remember that your past made you who you are today. Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are, you may not like the way you acted but never let anyone make you feel small or ashamed of yourself because of your past. Yes, you have to prove yourself because of those mistakes, but you don’t have to condemn yourself forever because of them. You have changed and turn yourself around, don’t let anyone jeopardize who you became. Don’t let Mino or anyone else take away what you have accomplish. I need you to remember that your mistakes are in the past and so is the person you used to be. Always be the Mark you want to be, not what anyone expects or thinks you are, because at the end of the day you need to be happy with yourself okay?” Jinyoung said sincerely in a loving tone, Mark nodded “I promise to always remember it, I know you don’t want me to apologize or thank you for the Mino thing, but I understand why you were upset and I’m grateful for it. I am not good at thinking ahead or at the bigger picture when I get emotional, you are a part of the reason I’ve become a better person and you make me want to be even more than I think I could be.”

 Jinyoung kissed Mark, it was soft and Mark was taken back but quickly kissed back.  Jinyoung speed up the pace on Mark’s lower lip, asking for them to open up. Mark opened up and Jinyoung quickly entered in with his tongue, Jinyoung felt around his mouth. Mark moaned at the feeling and eagerly fought back for dominance, Jinyoung bit Mark’s lower lip causing the older to whimper and become distracted. Giving Jinyoung back the dominance and the younger became more heated, Jinyoung used some more force and pushed Mark back. Mark’s back was resting on the arm of the couch and one of his hands moved from Jinyoung neck into the younger hair. Mark pulled Jinyoung closer and spreading his legs apart, Jinyoung changed his position so he was in between Mark’s legs. One of Jinyoung’s hand was on the arm of the couch on the side of Mark, supporting him up allowing him to hover over the older boy. While, his other hand was on Mark’s lower back. Mark tried to fight back for dominance seeing that Jinyoung’s position was uncomfortable and distracted him, because the younger had to make sure he held himself from from falling on Mark. Jinyoung felt Mark’s gaining back a little dominance and wasn’t ready to let that happened. While he forgave Mark a long time ago, he still felt that he need to make his hyung realize, he is fully capable of taking care of himself because apparently, Mark doesn’t think his physically capable of it. Jinyoung changes his position again, this time lifting Mark up with the hand that was on the elder’s lower back and pulling Mark into his lap. Mark let out a little squeal not expecting that and was slightly surprised that Jinyoung could lift him with just one hand and do it so easily. Jinyoung took advantage of Mark’s temporary surprise and used his now freed hand, that was no longer support his weight, to slip under Mark’s shirt. Jinyoung ran his hand along of the skin of Mark’s back. This caused the older to boy to shiver at the touch, Jinyoung’s movement was soft and gentle but his hands were rough, it made Mark feel like his back was on fire. Jinyoung kissed deeper taken over the kiss, but Mark continued to fight back. Although, that was proving to be much harder, now that his back felt like it was being burned with every gentle caress of the younger’s hand. Mark wasn’t going to win this battle, but he was going to try he hardest to last longer. Jinyoung realized that his hyung wasn’t going to give in so easily, even though it was obvious Jinyoung was going to win dominance over this kiss. However, Jinyoung felt like he needed to speed up the process and slipped his hands from Mark’s waist to go lower, stopping when he was cupping Mark’s . Jinyoung d Mark and pulling him in closer, Mark moaned out not expecting that nor remember when Jinyoung’s hand made it to his . Jinyoung completely took over the kiss, Mark was starting to heat up and moving in sync with Jinyoung mouth instead of fight back.

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Sorry I was gone for so long! 

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