Jinyoung and Mark went back to their dorm, after the whole apology thing and the ‘trying to knock sense into Jinyoung’ discussion, Mark and Jinyoung were exhausted and they had classes tomorrow. They walked into their dorm and Jinyoung called the shower first, Mark didn’t really care to move after landing on the couch and closed his eyes, only humming in response to Jinyoung. Jinyoung usually took his clothes in the bathroom and got changed there, since he had a slight complex about showing off his body. However, he and Mark have basically broken down almost all the boundaries they had between each other and he was comfortable enough around Mark to be shirtless. So he just went in the bathroom, Mark heard the shower turn on and smiled slightly. He realized Junior didn’t bother to get clothes before showering. He liked the fact that Jinyoung was comfortable around him now, especially since Mark basically showed almost everything he kept from everyone, to the younger. Mark’s thoughts were cut short when he heard a knock on the door, and instantly frowned knowing it had to Jackson. He really wasn’t in the mood to deal with the other’s excitable self, right now he was tired and wanted to shower and sleep, and maybe snuggle with Junior seeing as he gets the best sleep like that. But he also knew Jackson would make a whole bunch of noise, and he’d much rather save himself the headache. Mark sighed and got up to open the door, “what do you want Jackson?” Mark said annoyed with his eyes closed, while he opened the door. Mark didn’t get a reply nor tackled, which was strange. He opened his eyes and saw the last person he expected, well seeing as he was expecting Jackson anyone else would have been unexpected.

                Mark looked at the boy on the other side of the door frame with raised eyebrows, the boy stared back at Mark equally confused and looked back at the sign on the side of the door. “Huh that’s the weird, I could have sworn that this where Junior’s dorm was at. Maybe I remembered incorrectly, hmm” The boy said to himself, out loud. Mark looked annoyed, “How does he knock on the door and talk to himself, Manner less, idiot.” Mark thought getting more annoyed, now understanding the situation. The boy was looking for Jinyoung, and that fact annoyed Mark more than fact that this boy made him get up, especially looking at who the boy was. “You’re not wrong. This is also Junior’s dorm.” Mark said reluctantly answering the boy, fighting the urge to slam the door in his face. “Oh… OH! Junior’s roommate!” the boy looked at Mark in disbelief, “Why are you rephrasing what I just told you?” Mark said putting one hand his hip, while his other was about a sec away from slamming the door shut. “That’s also strange, Junior said he roommate was cool and nice. Hmmm maybe he lied, not wanting me to worry.” The boy said to himself out loud once again, Mark felt his blood pressure raise and could swear he felt a vein pop out in his forehead. “if you are going to stand there and have a conversation with yourself, I have other things to do.” Mark said about the close the door, “Ohh noo Wait!” the boy pleaded as Mark was closing the door but Mark didn’t care, still continuing in the process of closing the door. When Jinyoung walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and hair wet. He saw the boy outside the door before Mark had a chance to close the door, “Wonpil?” Jinyoung called out in a questioning tone. Mark sighed not seeing the other, but knew he couldn’t get rid of the boy outside now. Mark opened the door and Wonpil walked in before Mark changed his mind. Both of them faced Jinyoung and both were staring, silently. Mark although already being blessed to see a shirtless Jinyoung was still mesmerized by the glorious sight. Wonpil on the other hand was extremely lucky to be able to catch this rare occasion, and also like Mark the first time he saw Jinyoung shirtless. Didn’t expect to see the sight of a well-toned, ripped Junior and flushed immediately and forgot how to form words. “Wonpil, what are you doing here?” snapping Mark out of his trance only to remember Wonpil was here, and viewing shirtless Junior. “Yah! Go put on a shirt!” Mark scolded, Junior stared at the other weirdly not understanding why Mark cared. The elder always walked around shirtless and already saw him shirtless, only to realize that Wonpil was there. Jinyoung blushed and automatically ran to his room slamming the door shut. The slam finally snapped Wonpil out of his trance, he shook his head. “Wow! Junior body is amazing! Mark hyung is lucky to see that every day.” Wonpil said talking to himself and Mark was starting to think the boy had a problem with internalizing his thoughts.

 Mark went to his room and flinched at the sight of the destroyed things, he and Junior clean up but it was still mess. He got some clothes and went to Jinyoung’s room to get his towel, Mark didn’t even bothering knocking, ignoring Wonpil’s presence.  He knew Jinyoung was changing and should knock first, but the fact that Wonpil knew where Junior’s dorm was annoyed him, “Just how close are these two?” Mark thought and wanted to show Wonpil he was close to Junior. Mark barged in Jinyoung room and closed the door, startling both Jinyoung Inside and Wonpil outside. “M-ma-Mark? What are you doing?” Junior said to him surprised, “Oh thank god! He has his boxer on, I didn’t really think about him being before coming” Mark though in relief. “I needed my towel, I left it in here earlier.” Mark said nonchalantly, after hearing Mark’s answer. Jinyoung forgot all about Mark barging in his room and his motherly instincts kicked in. “Hyung! I told you to leave your towel on the back of the door in the bathroom to avoid specifically this. Plus, hyung you need to properly hang your towel to dry or it will smell. What do you think the hooks on the back of the door are for?” Jinyoung scolded. “Okay, okay calm down, eomma.” Mark said sarcastically. Jinyoung huffed, “well obviously you need one. You don’t take care for your things, hyung. You can’t live like a slob hyung. Especially if you plan on staying in my room, while yours is bring fixed.” Jinyoung said nagging the other forgetting that they had someone outside. “Fine. I’ll hang my towel up properly next time, okay? Are you happy now? It’s not like I left it on the floor or something and it was only one thing.” Mark said whining. Jinyoung just dropped the subjected and continued getting ready, Mark left his clothes on the desk, he was about to leave before hearing Jinyoung’s voice addressing him. “Hyung, you should leave some of your clothes here. Since, it might be a while till your room is repair and useable. I’ll clear a drawer for you and make some space in the closet for you.” Mark hummed in response and then left going to shower. “Junior’s coming out in a bit.” Mark informed Wonpil as he passed the other on his way to the bathroom. “O-oh thanks Mark hyung.” Wonpil said stuttering, since it was the first time Mark talked to him like he wasn’t an annoyance.

Mark didn’t respond and went to shower, he really didn’t think that he would be able to remain civil when seeing Jinyoung interact with Wonpil, and took a while showering; just so he didn’t have to see the two when he came out. Mark came out after a good half an hour, he came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and smaller one to dry his hair, around his neck. There didn’t seem to be any sign off Wonpil, which was exactly what he was hoping for. He took the smaller towel and began to dry his hair, while he walked to Jinyoung’s room. As he walked into Jinyoung’s room while he was drying his hair, he assumed Jinyoung was their seeing as he didn’t spot the other boy in the living room. “So what did Wonpil want?” Mark asked not bothering to look in the other’s direction as he continued dry his hair. “Uhh hyung?” “hmmm” Mark replied still drying his hair “Well he wanted me to help him with our Korean literature work.” Mark heard Jinyoung say in weird tone, that’s when he finally turned to the boy. As Mark turned around he saw Jinyoung sitting on by the desk with Wonpil sitting next to him. Mark just blankly stared at the two, Jinyoung looked at the other panicked, and Wonpil flushed. “Umm, I am just gonna go and maybe I’ll just meet you in the library. I didn’t know you two shared a room I’m sorry Mark hyung.” Wonpil made a slight bow and ran out, before Jinyoung could explain the situation. Mark just continued to change his clothes, “Hyung! Wha-What are you doing I am still in the room?” “So it’s your room am I to kick you out, plus we are both guys.” “Yah!!! That not the point!” Mark shrugged and took off the towel around his waist and Jinyoung squealed and covered his eyes. Mark smirk at the boy’s innocent nature and threw the towel over Jinyoung’s head. “Hyung!” the other whined, as he moved to remove the towel from his head. “I wouldn’t if I were you. I still happen to be in the process of changing.” Jinyoung’s hands stopped what they were doing immediately. “What? Just hurry up and put on underwear!” Jinyoung said fluster at the situation. “okay just calm down, I have it on.” Mark said lightly chuckling at the boy’s reaction. Jinyoung pulled the towel off his face with a frown set on his face, “Mark hyung, why didn’t you take your clothes in the bathroom. Now, Wonpil might think there is more to me and you, other than being roommates” Jinyoung whined.

 “Why is that a problem? Did you want him to know your available” Mark said seething. “What? No! Why are you thinking that I like everyone? Gosh, you’re like a jealous boyfriend!” Jinyoung said accusingly. “I am not! You are just clueless and can’t never see when some likes you and wants to be more than friends.” Mark replied just as accusingly. “I am not as naïve as you all think okay? When I met Wonpil he only was interested in my literature knowledge. Then as he continued to visit me as I worked, I knew he was getting more interested in me rather than our mutual interest and I told him I am not looking for a relationship, but we could be friends. And guess what? He told me that’s alright, that he was just trying to move on from his one-sided love, and I was the only person who made him interested in anything. However, he likes me but he still in love with his hyung. So if I don’t mind he’d love to be friends and we just talk about mutual interests and his love life issues. So all of you need to understand I can very well take care of myself.” Jinyoung said frustrated. Mark just stared at the other, Jinyoung doesn’t really get worked up. Mark felt bad he didn’t realize how much it bothers Jinyoung when everyone protected him too much. Mark’s face softened and he walked over to Jinyoung and hugged him, “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to belittle your ability to take care of yourself. I know you are beyond capable of taking care of yourself, I mean you deal with Jackson and me so effortlessly, and your brother looks like quite a handful and you raised him yourself. It’s just me and everyone else are protective of over you because we feel like people will take advantage of your kindness. I didn’t mean to make you upset, Junior-ah. I didn’t realize that you had your own way to deal with people, I am sorry. I not like you, I don’t see the good in people or the potential for them to be good. I am sorry, I can’t promise that I will be less protective but I will try to be more aware of my actions.” Mark said sincerely, the words slipped out easily, which was weird because that’s never been something that he was good at. Jinyoung took a deep breath and tried soothe down him temper, he never had a good temper but he was good at concealing it and remaining patient. He relaxed in Mark’s embraced and rested his head on Mark’s chest and after while chuckled a bit. 

                “What’s funny?” Mark asked a bit puzzled by Jinyoung’s reaction. “Nothing. It’s just hyung you can act really childish sometimes, but you really are more mature than you let on. First, you take care of Youngjae’s injury and then JB hyung. Now, it’s me. You really are something else, you care more than you allow yourself or anyone else to see. You really a tsundere, hyung.” Mark felt Jinyoung smile on his chest, “There you go again seeing the good in people. I was wrong, in all of those instances. I can’t act like I am unaware of my faults and wrong doings, I hate people like that and I’d be a hypocrite if I did the same.” “You’re right and wrong. I do try to see the best in people, because I feel like there is always a reason for someone’s behavior and if no one tries to empathize with them, it will only make them continue their behavior. While I did start of that way with you, now I don’t have to try to see the best…” Jinyoung lifted his head up and brought a hand to Mark’s face. “Yien ge, you are good person. At first, I thought you were trying hard to hide that. But, you honestly believe you aren’t a good person.  You think it is your rationale that causes you to make up for your wrong doing, but that’s not it. It is your conscious that make you do that. You are a good person; you try not to care but you can’t. That’s a good thing because it means whatever hurt you didn’t break you. You may have questioned yourself and convinced yourself you aren’t a good person, but that’s not true.” “Junior” Mark breathed out, “I know you, Yien ge.” “how? You’ve only just met me Junior. Why do you believe in me so much?” “Because, although you don’t believe it. You are amazing and precious, and if you won’t believe in yourself, then I will. No should feel as if they don’t amount to anything, and don’t let anyone convince you of that.” Mark felt something break in him, “What if the people who make you feel like that, are the only people’s opinion you should care about?” Mark looked at Jinyoung desperately for an answer. “They don’t deserve your care if they don’t value it or you.” Jinyoung answered simply. “But I don’t think I cannot care about them.” Jinyoung sighed “Have you ever told your parents, how you feel?” Mark looked at Jinyoung in surprised, “I told you, I am more perceptive than you guys give me credit for.” Mark looked down, he felt ashamed “Junior, must now realize how much of a waste of space I am now. If my own parents don’t care for me.” Mark thought. Jinyoung saw the shame on Mark’s face and wasn’t having it, “Look at me, hyung.” Mark couldn’t bring himself to look at the other, “Yien ge” Mark flinched and felt a hand pulling his chin upwards. “Listen, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I already had a hunch that it was your parents, when we talked about mine and I asked about yours, I felt your discomfort on the topic. It doesn’t affect my views on you. Do I look so superficial to you? Trust me I’ve had my fair share misjudgments pasted on me because of me being parentless. I would never do the same to anyone else.”

Mark didn’t know what to say, “have you ever told them how you felt?” “No” You need some resolution or you can never fully be okay with yourself. If you don’t tell someone, you can’t know 100% that they understand you.” “I know that but I am scared that even if the know how I feel it won’t change anything?” “I understand but even if things don’t change, you need to know. In order for you to move on and for you to be able to get over caring about how they view you so much.” “They’re my parents, how can I just get over the fact that I am a disappointment to them.” “I understand that you’ve made mistakes in the past and it they have been more than once, but that doesn’t mean your parents are fault free. They are your parents and you turned out to be a good person, that means they must be good people. However, your parents are human and they make mistakes also. Parents often do what they believe is the best thing for their children, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re right.” “They tried to correct my behavior and honestly I don’t blame them, I didn’t really make things easy for them. I bet it was easier to send me away.” “Sometimes we don’t understand why our parents do the things they do. We will never understand it either, until we become parents. But the same goes for them also, when you become a parent it’s hard to remember what it is like when you were your kid’s age. The best way to resolve issues will most always be to express how you’re feeling, you can’t expect other people to understand you or your view point. You need to make sure they know and understand, because even if some knows, it doesn’t mean they understand.” Mark sighed “Junior you wouldn’t understand; it is easy to see it objectively but that doesn’t mean it as easy when you’re in the actually situation. You parents loved you and thought only about you and cared for you.” Mark said bitterly. Jinyoung looked at Mark in confliction.

“Okay, I am going to tell you something that I’ve never spoke about. I may looked put together but it has taken me a longtime to get to this place in my life. When I was little I’ve had to change my whole outlook at life. I didn’t have time to grieve my parents’ death, Bambam was so young and wouldn’t have remembered the whole situation, if I acted like everything was going to be okay. Before my mom died the last thing she told me was ‘it will all be alright’. Whenever things got hard, that’s what I would tell Bambam, it was something I used to comfort Bambam. But in reality, it was to comfort myself and reassure myself that we would get through it, that I’d get through it. If I showed doubt or fear about the future, Bambam would worry and stress too. It was a burden, I had to hold myself back always and my needs came second; at first I did it because my mom made me promise and I loved Bambam. However, as I grew it became a lot for me to hold myself. I couldn’t cry because Bambam would cry; I couldn’t be a child because who would look after Bambam; When I got old enough I knew I had to work for Bambam he had it hard enough already. At one point it was too much for me and I began to question why my mom made me promise this. I was also a child but I had to take care of Bambam, why couldn’t I be a child too. Why didn’t she care about me too? How could she be so selfish and only worry for Bambam? But one day when Bambam got old enough to understand our situation and I was taking a beating on his behalf, as he patched up my injuries he looked up to me with his eyes in tears and said ‘hyung, why do you do this? Just let them beat me up maybe they will hit me so hard and I’ll never be a burden to you ever again.” When he said that I understood my mom, I was child but she knew that I was able to get through all the hardships. I made it so far and never allowed what happen to me, break me and looking at Bambam’s face, I remember the moment between my mom and myself. And all I could tell him was ‘it will all be alright’. It was always because I never forgot what I live for, who I lived for, why I lived. From that moment I knew who I was and understood my parents, they loved me and I didn’t need them to tell me that before they went because my mom died with a smile on her face. And she smiled because she trusted that because I was there with Bambam and that we were together, it will all be alright for us.” Jinyoung said with a sad smile on his face, he was looking at Mark but the elder could see in his eyes he wasn’t seeing Mark in that moment. He eyes looked remorseful and reminiscent. “I…” Mark started but Jinyoung place a palm on his chest to halt his words.

 Mark closed his mouth, “I am telling you this because I don’t take lightly your position or feelings. It’s not with objectivity that I tell you this, but with empathy. I been through the self-doubting phase, resentment, and the guilt; I was not in a good place to be emotional or mentally. I know how you feel and I didn’t have someone for me there to tell me these things, I wish I did because then I’d have an outlet and it I didn’t have to feel so alone. Mark when I first met you I told myself I wouldn’t give up on you, because I knew that look. I used to wear the same look, and I use to hid the real me because I thought it was ugly. You all tell me that I am beautiful and everyone sees it and I tell you that is not true. It’s not because I don’t notice the looks and intentions people have when they look at me. It is because I know me and the person I don’t show people is ugly and I used to hate him, I used to hate myself. I am not perfect and I am not beautiful, I am flawed and often I used to find myself ugly and repulsive. It was tiring and exhausting, to live like that. Some days I felt like I was just functioning out of familiarity. It scared me, to see what I became, I would just say words with no sincerity and meaning. Everything was acting and a calculated, production that I made for the world. I thought that if I put up a façade than I’d trick the world, I was alright. The thing is, is that it worked, no one could tell. I portrayed to everyone everything was alright, that I was this person that they see. I thought I’d be happy or I’d be content, but I realized it didn’t make a difference if I fooled the world. It didn’t matter and didn’t matter who I convinced, because in the end I knew who I was and what actually went on in my mind. I though the worst thing imaginable was to fail the ones I cared about, but I was wrong. I reassured Bambam every night and protected him the best I could and did what I thought my parents would’ve wanted. However, I was never able to look at myself in the mirror, I could only see a person who hated his dead parents for leaving him alone, a person who was jealous of his baby brother, and person wished he had died in the car crash. I resented myself and I couldn’t look at myself knowing I had these thoughts. I became my own worst enemy and to avoid dealing with it, I threw myself into more work and anything at would distract me from being alone with my own mind. When you can’t accept yourself, it becomes impossible for you to accept anyone. I tell you I am not looking for a relationship because I can’t give anyone the relationship they deserve because although I’ve dealt with a lot of my demons, I haven’t completely ridden my mind of all of them.  Mark…Yien, I tell you from experience don’t let yourself close off the world and don’t run from your problems. Your parents not caring about you will hurt, I am not saying it won’t but don’t let yourself get to the point where self-deprecation and self-loathing is all that you have left. Once you get there, it will impossible to get back to a point of equilibrium, I still haven’t reached that level yet.” Jinyoung spoke and all Mark saw was a mirror image of himself, not Jinyoung.

“How can you not like…love yourself?” Mark said desperately trying to fathom the idea of someone not seeing how beautiful the other boy is. “I just told you how, you know they ugly side of me and yet you still ask me that?” “Ugly? That can never be an adjective to describe you. Strong, kind, and caring; that is who you are. You are perfect because you’re human and your flawed, your mistakes and your past doesn’t define you the real you. They just lead you to being the amazing person in front of me today.” Jinyoung let tears he didn’t know fall from his eyes and held Mark’s face in his hands, “Exactly, you can say that because you can look at me without flawed rationale. I can’t because my rationale is by default compromised. The same thing applies to you; I see the same thing in you but you can’t. We made it like that, but if you allow me to help you. I will be able to make you see you as I see you and you’ll be able to make me see what you see in me. We are both broken in away where we can’t fix ourselves but maybe we can mend the cracks together. I know you don’t believe in you, but do you believe in me?” Mark didn’t have to think, it was like an innate response, “of course” “Good because I believe in you, and if we do this together maybe we can get back to the place of equilibrium.” “You know you’re always telling me that I am mature, but why does it feel like you’re that hyung.” “Age isn’t what makes a person mature, I am sure Jackson disproves that theory.” Mark smiled “It is out of experience that I can speak like this, I know it is a lot for you to speak to your parents about something that you have kept inside for years, I don’t expect you to do this right away. We can work on it little by little, but the sooner you get this done with the faster you’ll be able to move on and get better. I want you to promise me that you’ll do this.” “you really ask for a lot of promises and not ones that a person can easily accomplish.” Jinyoung Mark’s cheek, before dropping his hands and giving the other a light smile. “I told you I was selfish; I don’t care about your discomfort. I’d rather you go through that than faller deeper into your insecurities, it is easy to fall but getting back up is much more difficult. It will be much harder to get back up and once you get to a certain point, it’s impossible to get back up without help. So let me the one to help you, I give people the benefit of the doubt and see the good because if you convince the world your incorrigible they will believe it. When that happens you won’t find anyone to believe in you.” Jinyoung pleaded as he tears fell by their own accordance. Mark wiped them from Jinyoung’s face, “Pabo. If you cry, cry for yourself. How can some who went through what you did, find yourself able to cry for someone else. Stop it now.” Jinyoung sniffled “You can minimize your problems to anyone else or pretend to them, but not me hyung. I know, so don’t hide yourself from me. I don’t allow myself to be like this in front of anyone, I hold my temper and emotions. But I show it to you, I trust you, so show me the same respect.” Mark nodded, he felt overwhelmed; he never expected he’d find someone who’d be able to understand. Jinyoung understood Mark without him having to speak, Jinyoung helped him to be able to articulate himself more, and most of all the younger gave him hope. Hope, that it will all be alright and that he amounted to more than what people thought of him; more than he thinks of himself.

                Jinyoung smiled at Mark, “Honestly, this ridiculous.” Mark was confused my Jinyoung’s statement, “what?” “how is it that we always end up in discussion like this and you are always half during it.” Jinyoung said shaking his head, Mark look at himself only in boxer and flushed lightly. “You made it like this, you must like seeing me like this.” Mark said smugly trying to make Jinyoung flush and to ease his embarrassment. Jinyoung was not having that though, he rolled his eyes and slapped Mark’s head. “YAH! If you stopped worrying me, we wouldn’t have to this so often. Also, I didn’t tell you were good looking, to boost your already inflated ego.” Mark pouted and rubbed his head, “No respect. How do you just hit your hyung? Plus, I don’t have an ego. People tell me I am handsome every day. It doesn’t mean much because the people don’t mean anything to me. However, if you tell me it, then it means something. A compliment from you is something to take pride. in” Mark said with a smirk, only to get hit in the head again “Pabo! Stop talking nonsense!” Jinyoung huffed in annoyance, but blushing furiously. “Just put on some clothes and don’t forget to hang out your towel” Jinyoung scolded as he left the room with his own towel, “Cute” Mark muttered before continued changing.  

Author Comment

This chapter was hard to right, I hope it gets conveyed the way I imagined it. Don't forget to leave me your comments. Enjoy!