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'Are you sure?' Seungwan Son feels obliged to ask one more time, even though both of them have already taken the trouble to come this far. It is Saturday, nearing midday but the visit had to be sped up because tomorrow is another important day.

Joohyun nods, looking less determined than she would want to.

'I need you to stay here and wait for me, will you be fine? It's a little cold.'

'I'll grab a coffee from that little place on the main street, we just passed it by.' The baby pink front is still vivid in Joohyun's otherwise occupied mind and she nods again in acknowledgement.

'Are you-' Seungwan does not know how to ask the delicate question, afraid that it might lead the other girl to thoughts that she is not yet prepared to face. Seungwan takes a deep breath. 'Will you need me to carry anything for you?'

'I don't know,' Joohyun responds truthfully after a moment of grim consideration. 'I'm not going to tell them about you and I, not right now. I can't- I can't just spring something like that on them. I know it will-' Hurt them, is what Joohyun really wants to say, but it pains her to even think that her own parents would be angry at her happiness. 'First things first, I came to talk to them about next year.' Not that her choice of a career won't be any less of a disappointment than her romantic life.

'Will you tell them about Sehun, though?' Seungwan cannot help but inquire again. Joohyun frowns.

'Only if they themselves bring it up.' But she knows that the chances of it happening are quite high.

The two part ways with one more squeeze of palms before disentangling their fingers. Seungwan watches the older girl enter her family home. She has the key but still uses the doorbell and Seungwan guesses that she does not want the visit to begin on a bad note - the Baes do not look like they like surprises very much. Certainly not from their semi estranged children.

Nearly an hour passes before Joohyun enters the corner cafe they agreed to meet in. She is not carrying any luggage which Seungwan initially takes as a good sign, but her expression is anything but happy.

'Was it really bad?'

Joohyun nods, her mind still seemingly on the matter. She takes a seat in front of Seungwan and the younger student pushes towards her the barely touched second cup of latte she had ordered to pass the time. Joohyun circles the paper container with her hands, warming them up. They sit in silence for a moment longer.

'Would you like me to order something to eat?' It is early afternoon and they have not had lunch yet.

'I think it's time for us to go,' Joohyun decides instead. She stands up. 'Can we stop by one more place on the way back, though?'

'Anything you want,' Seungwan agrees easily, gathering her things and walking to the door.
Joohyun does not dare grab her hand to hold - not so close to the house - but they walk arm to arm, almost cuddled into one another, their hands deep in their pockets. Seungwan has a feeling that she knows just where the elder is leading them, and she is right. They stop by the church, the same one Seungwan saw Junmyeon and Seulgi get married in; the same one that Joohyun has spent all her early years visiting.

'You can wait if you want to,' Joohyun reassures her but she shakes her head.

'Let's go in.'

It is open, predictably. It is a big hall, only two people seated somewhere in middle rows, lost in their own contemplation. Joohyun kneels in the last one, bowing her head. Seugwan does not want to be a hypocrite, so she does not follow - instead, she takes to walking around and admiring the paintings and other ornaments that are within her reach, vaguely recognising names from her private Bible readings she has been conducting from time to time when she is particularly bored. Every now and then, she turns to see whether Joohyun is still there and she is, praying - or maybe just struggling within herself, Seungwan cannot tell. But she gives her space all the same, guessing that she will be called when needed.

She is standing there for some time, looking at the painting of the holy family situated near the altar which prompts her to remember the recent developments in her own. She has not spoken to her mother since New Year's but that is not surprising. They always go long periods with no contact, only money and rare text messages exchanged between them. On the contrary, however, her father - that man, as Seungwan usually calls him because he is no parent to her, not anymore - has taken to phoning her quite regularly lately and she does not know what to make of it. His biggest crime is negligence and lack of interest, really, but what truly hurts Seungwan is the fact that she has been abandoned with only her mother to care for her, which she clearly does not. Seungwan wants to believe that their relationship is still amendable, but she has not seen the man in so long, his sudden attention seems almost suspicious. When he asks more questions as if trying to keep her on the phone longer, it is nothing short of awkward.

'If we hurry, we can still catch the four o'clock coach back.' Joohyun's hand appears in her shoulder, bringing Seungwan out of her reverie. She only nods and they walk back to the station.

'My father wasn't pleased when he saw me,' Joohyun admits once they have taken their seats at the back of the vehicle. They link hands immediately. 'My mother looked a little happier but overall bothered. I don't think they expected me back so soon.'

'Did you see your brother..?' Seungwan has a hatch that it was important to Joohyun, even if she never mentioned the intention.

'Junmyeon was there, studying the Bible in the kitchen. Father must have sensed that I had something serious to discuss with them because he told him to go upstairs. We didn't talk at all.' Joohyun wipes her face with the sweater paws she has made to keep the cold away. More than upset, she looks tired. Seungwan only watches, heart clenching in pity.

'I told them I was going to choose Westminster next year.' She sighs. 'To be honest, I should pat myself on the back for how calm I was, considering how much I was actually shaking inside. They hadn’t even known that I applied for that school and I had to inform them just like that, directly.'

'Was your father really angry?' Seungwan frowns, afraid to bring up the unpleasant occurrence.

'No... not really. He just looked at me coldly and said-' Joohyun's throat tightens as she is unable to stop herself from reminiscing the awful situation. 'He said that he didn't recognise me anymore.'

She turns away towards the window - Seungwan knows that she is trying to contain her emotions.

'My mother started crying.' The older girl picks up after a moment. 'She has always been more involved with me, you know. She asked me to reconsider because, she said, law is an indecent profession. I understand why they would think that, it is not a job that my parents would ever pick for any of us, they think lawyers are all immoral and corrupted… So I tried to explain to them that I'm going to help people with my degree, but they didn't want to listen. Then-' Joohyun stops again, taking a deep breath and swallowing hard. 'Then my father said that if it was my aim to help other people the way I'm helping Sehun now, then it's better if I don't go to university at all. Not to waste everyone’s time and money.'

Seungwan is at a loss for words, although she probably should not be. She has been a by stander to their family’s push and pull for a long time already.

'Is it about his tuition?’ She finally asks. ‘They know about the money, don't they. Junmyeon must have said something.' Joohyun sighs again.

'Against better judgement, I don't believe that Junmyeon specifically mentioned this to them but they must have realised it was my doing, since Sehun is still at school. It's not like I have any source of income. My father ordered me to return Junmyeon's portion of the inheritance but I told them I didn't have it anymore.'

'But Junmyeon gave it to you, didn't he?'

'I don't think they are aware, and I'm not going to incriminate my brother further. I'm not the one living there so... It's probably better if they think badly only of me. One additional thing on my conscience doesn't even weigh that much anymore, I found. He did it for me, so I think I can endure that much for him in return.'

Seungwan bites her lip, refraining from any further comment on the matter. Junmyeon is not worth anything in Seungwan's humble opinion, but Joohyun cannot be expected to see him in objective light. Ultimately, that is between the siblings and Seungwan does not have to understand their dynamics. What she herself perceives as the least that Junmyeon could do for his brother has perhaps cost him a lot of energy and courage, after all. That, Seungwan will never know and does not want to know, either. She does not feel that she is capable of sympathising with the boy in any way.

'So what now?'

'Now I'll try to take it day by day. Otherwise I'm afraid I will drown,' Joohyun admits, shaking her head in resignation. 'I need to find a doctor for Sehun, then a place to stay during the holiday. I need to arrange school for next year, accommodation in London. I need to find a part-time job-'

'You need to take a deep breath first.' Hidden away in the last row with virtually no passengers on the bus, it is easy to delicately frame Joohyun's face in her palms and give her a sweet peck on the lips just because she can.

Uncharacteristically, Joohyun reddens a little, a frown still marring her forehead - more worry than anything else.

'There's a place for both of you in any of our houses, I'm sure. You wanna see London? My mother's palace is open, she won't even notice we are there. You want a repeat of all the charms of York? Chanyeol is ready. I'm sure that Yixing's father won't mind you crushing there either, if you wanna sunbath or something...' Seungwan keeps rumbling and Joohyun smiles sadly. 'Sehun will be-' The younger girl stops there because she does not want to say anything irrational. She cannot promise that Sehun will be fine but... 'We will do everything that we can so that he has a reason to live. Even if it's just the smallest thing, we will all make sure that he holds on to that.'

'Thank you,' Joohyun mutters. 'Thank you,' is all she says before she leans in for another shy kiss.

Small steps.

It's all about small steps. The girls link their hands again when they arrive at Nottingham Coach Station. Joohyun is not ready for any rumours spreading around Derby - not yet... Maybe not ever - but it is paradoxically easier for her to be carefree in Nottingham than in their school, because people there mind their own business. They don't bother them, and they don't single them out.

Trent Collage, though, the school is something different. Joohyun ignores the stares and the whispering, she has already got used to it. In a sense, nothing has really changed since she and Seungwan started holding hands three days ago. They do not kiss publically – Joohyun cannot bring herself to. More than embarrassment, she does not want unfriendly eyes to make an ugly spectacle out of something so precious to her.

Now, too, she ignores the hostility as the two of them pass a group of girls standing in front of their dormitory. She draws strength from the hand lain in hers.

Day by day. She will take it day by day. It’s going to be fine.

‘He’s late. You think he’s gonna show up at all..?’

Sehun can hear them as he approaches the garage. He is about to grab the handle to the back door but he halts, insecurity momentarily paralysing him. He takes a deep breath, pulling at the sleeve of his bomber jacket. Those are his friends, and yet… He cannot help but overthink. Are they annoyed? Are they just waiting for him to ditch so they can move on..?

‘He will come,’ Tao Huang says with conviction that has Sehun slightly nod to himself but his hands are still shaking. He turns around one last time and his sister has not left yet – she is watching him from across the road, making sure that he does go inside. Sehun knows that he will be observed a lot from now on.

She sends him a small smile and he nods again, finally entering the place. He asked if she wanted to come with but she refused. From the beginning, she has felt like an intruder in their tight circle, she said. He needs to face his friends by himself, make it all right again on his own terms.

The last two weeks have been difficult. The doctor found by the Parks had recommended suicide watch at a nearby hospital, the stay eventually limited to ten days, for observation. Joohyun did not ask his opinion this time – she informed him of what had to be done after a longer discussion with Mr. Park but honestly? Sehun felt relieved. Relieved that nothing was expected of him this time. It felt good to just follow, it took away some of the pressure. Together with Chanyeol’s father, his sister drove him to QMC the Sunday afternoon following their conversation. There was a bed waiting for him at the psychiatric ward.

He was not classified as high risk – he had not actually done anything – but still they took away his belt, shoe laces and the cross that he had been wearing around his neck since he was five, a gift from his late paternal grandfather. There was no medication involved apart from bupropion, mostly for his insomnia and nightmares. It did help a little. Mr. Park came by twice, Joohyun came every day. He did not know how but she had managed to cook his favourite stew. It made him cry.

Jongin Kim came once and Sehun let him in, though he did not any other friend, not even Yixing; he did not want them to see him like this. They talked for a long time, hands discreetly squeezed in a tight gesture of solidarity because the ward did not allow physical contact. Sehun and Jongin used to be childhood friends, best friends even, but after Sehun dropped the dance club and Jongin was outed by Junmyeon, things were just never the same. Sehun moved on to other friends but he had missed Jongin.

They explained a few things to each other. Jongin cried. Sehun cried even long after his friend left the hospital.

There were also many extensive discussions, group and individual, about his health, his mind-set, his life and even his interests. He had always been on a more quiet side – growing up in a family like his, it was vital to bottle up any semblance of genuine happiness, lest it was going to be taken away from him or deemed a ersion. After ten full days of talking about nothing else but himself, Sehun discovered a simple yet all the same ground breaking truth: he was still a person. He still had a relatively healthy body, he still had friends and there were still people that loved him. He still had some interests left, and he could still get new hobbies. He still had his favourite ice cream flavours and he still looked forward to the new Marvel instalment. He still wanted to adopt a dog once out of school for good. He still had something and he still wanted something.

He did not know if it was significant, but it was something nonetheless. And it would have to do.

He had a lot of time to think, too much perhaps.

Before he left, the doctor leaned in and told him seriously, You’re going to live, and you’re going to live to the fullest, kid. Screw yearly resolutions, screw monthly plans. If needed, you’ll just take it day by day, you’ll find ten reasons to live every single morning just so you can go on. You can do it. Because who else, if not you?

So Sehun does exactly that. Tomorrow seems too far away for now, but today is right here for him to seize.

1. Big sister.

Joohyun collects him from the hospital, tears in her eyes all the same, despite having visited him every day. She loves him; he is needed.

On the way back to school, she tells him that Verbal Explosion have decided on a spontaneous rehearsal and want him to go. He does not have to if it is too much, she adds quickly but he finds that he does, indeed. He has been alone for too long. They drop his things off at his room at Trent and take another trip to Eaton Close.

2. Minseok Kim.

Sehun has not seen his older friend in a long time. It is universal knowledge that Minseok will disappear as soon as his Friday classes are over and he is either at work or down in Bath. It is also because of his school workload and upcoming exams that the band went on indefinite hiatus. The fact that he is there, face lighting up once he spots Sehun shyly entering the garage means the world at the moment. He is the closest to the entrance, and he is the first one to stand up and give him a brief hug, patting him on the back. There is a certain amount of pride in his gummy smile that Sehun still thinks that he does not deserve.

3. Chanyeol Park.

Predictably, Chanyeol starts crying. He is the next one to get to his classmate, nearly crushing both Sehun and Minseok with his affection, with the eldest disentangling himself from all those limbs just in time. Sehun knows how Chanyeol gets. He is the only one who is aware of all the details, the only one who can probably even come close to making sense of all the mess in Sehun’s head.

Chanyeol has always been overprotective but this time, Sehun just lets him fawn until he finally lets go.

4. Seungwan Son.

Seungwan holds him tightly for a longer moment, not saying anything. She then shoves a tin of brownies into his hands, telling him to finish it all up before they go stale because he looks like he has lost weight.

They are Sehun’s favourite.

5. Tao Huang.

Sehun and Tao have been good friends since middle school, more so after Sehun and Jongin drifted apart. Sehun might not have told the other boy the whole story, but he is certain that Tao has figured it out anyway more or less, from the pieces that have slipped over the years. He cares, deeply; he just has a different way of showing it.

Sehun is not at all surprised when he hears,

‘You’re late.’ And a pointed look.

‘I know,’ Sehun admits, voice hoarse.

‘And you didn’t show up for the marathon of Paranoia Agent on Friday, either.’

That has Sehun look up. Is Tao not aware after all that he-? But then he notices the glint in the other’s eyes – there is affection, and there is relief. That, and Sehun and Tao stopped doing their weird anime marathons more than a year ago after the latter decided that it was more fun making out with girls.

‘Sorry,’ he whispers.

‘But you’ll never miss another one, will ya,’ Tao asks and it is a second full of tension, for Sehun anyway, before he replies,

‘I guess I won’t.’ He smiles.

6. Yixing Zhang.

It is so hard to face Yixing because Sehun feels that he has disappointed him the most. He has been nothing but a burden and Yixing does not deserve it. Everything about their relationship has been so difficult for so long, and it has all been Sehun’s doing.

He swallows hard when he eventually turns to him, his eyes everywhere but on the other. When he finally lifts his head enough to catch the older boy’s gaze, Yixing’s lips are pursed and his expression almost unreadable. Yixing then breaks down, getting to him in a few quick strides and enveloping him in a fierce embrace, he says as clearly as his tightened up throat allows him to,

‘Thank goodness you’re alright. I just don’t know what I’d do without you.’

7. Music.

Sehun still likes his bass – he is self-taught, which makes him somewhat proud. He tunes it carefully to the familiar white noise of Seungwan and Chanyeol arguing over which cover to sing first, and Minseok whacking them both in the head before settling it himself.

It has been a long time; it feels like forever.

8. His Literature mid-term.

‘I took all the notes that I could for you but the mid-terms are coming up, dude. We’re gonna, like, have to live in the library for the next two weeks again,’ Tao whines later on when they finish for the evening, the visitors gathering their belongings before departing for school – or his own house, in Minseok’s case.

Call him strange, but Sehun suddenly smiles. He knows he wants to maintain his perfect average in Literature and the prospect of more reading mildly excites him.

‘You’re a total weirdo,’ his best friend tells him off when Sehun confesses to the fact. Sehun smiles wider.

Oh, wait. So there is something to do tomorrow, after all, something to keep him grounded. He tries not to think about all the missed classes and the biology test, lest he will feel completely overwhelmed again. He will start with Literature - that will make him a little happier. Something that only he can do. For himself.

9. Myself.

Nine. Only nine, after all.

But nine is still a start.