180331

Dear Lord,

It’s been quiet around here – possibly too quiet if I’m to be honest. Seulgi hasn’t picked up her phone once, but it does not surprise me. Her father has always been strict, so I am quite certain he simply took it away from her, lest she might try to contact us. As for home, I am more worried. Junmyeon’s sudden disappearance from school could have only been dictated by his grief and need to work things out with Seulgi’s parents. Probably ours too; I can’t even imagine how our father reacted to the news.

Mother would not have ignored my calls, though, which leads me to believe they are aware of everything that has happened around here. I don’t know how to handle the situation, so please help me. You surely know what to do. Please, tell me that what I’m doing is right because I cannot persist when doubts continue clouding my judgment. I still believe… I need to believe that what I’m doing is right, otherwise I cannot protect anyone.

Joohyun sighs, looking down for a moment and subsequently shaking herself off the negative thoughts before they overwhelm her.

On a completely unrelated note, please make Chanyeol Park understand that receiving baptism is not like a drive-thru in McDonald’s. You cannot just get it at your earliest convenience because you want to. Also, I do not really understand why he seeks my help when I am not even of the same faith. Didn’t our church condemn the Episcopal one just the other day..? Either way, I don’t think I can guide him on this strange journey to self-enlightenment, considering his selfish reasons. I have enough problems of my own.

I’m beginning to think that moving in with Seungwan Son was not my wisest decision. Apart from the fact that she is set on destroying any kind of routine I have ever had around here, I often see her-

‘What are you wearing?!’

Seungwan jerks at the exclamation, looking up bewildered from her toiletries placed on the bed. Joohyun is still on her knees next to her own sleeping space, gaping at the other in shock from across the room, though she probably should not. She should be used to sights like that already.

‘You mean my shirt?’ Seungwan lifts up the seam of the sleeping wear, sniffing it and accidentally exposing her entire bare stomach. Joohyun’s eye twitches at the sight which makes her blink rapidly. It does not help that she is at the exact eye level with the view. ‘I think it’s still good, it doesn’t smell or anything-‘

‘I mean your… your…’ Joohyun hesitantly points lower, trying not to stare too much but Seungwan’s half- figure suddenly becomes too attention drawing.

‘You mean my knickers?’ Seungwan grins and slaps her own buttock for good measure, to which the older nearly chokes. ‘I saw them in a gag gift shop the other day and just couldn’t help myself. Neat, ain’t they?’

‘Why are you parading around only in your underwear?’ Joohyun finally managed to say, getting redder by the second.

‘Huh? We’re both gay- I mean, girls, what’s the big deal?’

Joohyun cannot possibly know that Seungwan’s word slip is conditioned by the fact that she has become more than used to changing clothes in odd places in the presence of a bunch of men that won’t even spare her a glance. Similarly, Joy Park had eyes only for her idols and half the time would not even notice the radical changes Seungwan made to her hair colour, let alone what kind of trousers – or lack of thereof – she wore to bed. To Joohyun, however, dressed modestly in a longish night gown, parading around only in your underwear sounds like a scandalous idea.

Not to mention a recipe for a cold at this time of year. December is approaching fast.

‘No worries. I won’t attack you at night with my freezing toes. Unless you want me to,’ she grins widely, to which Joohyun’s only reaction is to unconsciously cross herself, half in fear and half in embarrassment at the image.

Seungwan turns around again to sort out her skin care, leaving the older with a clear view of Apple Bottom.

Truth be told, Joohyun has no idea how she wound up sharing Seungwan Son’s room – it all happened fast, too.

Two days after they witnessed Seulgi being taken away, Junmyeon followed; Joohyun could only hope that he had returned home. She had a feeling that he acted too rush, but then again, what else was there to do? The deed had been done and the gossip travelled fast. Her twin managed to exit just in time. The following morning, The Christian Union took his name down from the board and with him was gone the last trace of their disgraced family from the history of the school society. People still whisper obscenities behind Joohyun’s back; now they get to add Junmyeon’s sins to their litanies.

Joohyun was by herself that afternoon, hanging around the canteen with little to do. In reality, being there was more comforting that sitting alone in her now half empty room, even if she could not entirely ignore the curious stares. She was once again contemplating her choices for the upcoming academic year, having been unable to make a decision all this while. Her hands shook at the mere thought of the sort of audacity that she would have to gather in order to pull through with what refused to leave her mind these days – applying for a law degree. Especially now, when she was all that her parents had left.

She failed to notice Seungwan and Joy’s presence until the two called out to her. Well, the former did; the younger just looked intensely, probably hoping to bore a hole in Joohyun’s forehead.

‘Joy’s officially moved out now, I’m on my own,’ Seungwan sing-songed, pursing her lips in a mock concern. Joohyun frowned, before the realisation downed on her – there was, indeed, some talk during her outing with Seungwan about Joy moving in with Yerim, but the inconsequential for the eldest occurrence was quickly forgotten that night in favour of the much graver family crisis.

Joohyun only nodded, acknowledging the fact. It was not like it concerned her any more than it had before, she thought in passing but was quickly proven wrong.

‘Yeah, now you guys can finally get together,’ Joy commented, looking unusually smug. Joohyun frowned even harder; Seungwan’s face, on the other hand, went aflame.

‘I was gonna ask her myself…’ The singer whined, embarrassed. Joy shrugged before turning to the eldest.

‘Did you enjoy the film the other night? Such a shame I couldn’t join you after all.’ There was no regret whatsoever in Joy Park’s voice, just the continuous smugness and Joohyun opened , not sure how to react to the random remarks thrown her way.

‘I suppose it was fine, although Seung-‘ She never got to finish the sentence, because Seungwan Son pulled Joy aside, looking both embarrassed and murderous.

‘You can go now, Joy, thanks,’ she urged the other pointedly. Joy Park made a face at her, before resuming her stoic, couldn’t-care-less attitude and left mumbling something about not letting Chanyeol Park sit on my bed with his dirty feet even if I no longer live there. Or maybe Joohyun just heard wrong.

‘What was that about..?’ She asked as soon as she felt the youngest was out of the earshot.

‘Nothing, don’t listen to her,’ Seungwan mumbled focusing on the food she’d brought from the vending machine. Crisps and one of those fizzy drinks that she was so fond of, Joohyun noted not being pleased. She had long realised that Seungwan’s diet was not exactly the healthiest.

‘So you’re on your own now, too?’ Joohyun said more out of politeness that anything else. Her mind was still on the topic of her future academic path, if she were to be perfectly honest.

‘Yeah,’ Seungwan confirmed, dragging out the vowels, as if stalling. ‘I don’t like being by myself too much, you know…’

‘I’ve noticed,’ Joohyun replies, amusement finally filling the atmosphere. Seungwan grins sheepishly.

‘So, I was thinking, but only if you want to, I mean, it’s understandable if you don’t, but if you do – because I do too, I mean, not like in a totally creepy way but-‘

‘What is it that you’re trying to ask me, Seungwan? I know I look unoccupied but I still need to stop by the library and finally submit my university choices,’ Joohyun prompted, trying not to chuckle openly at the other’s bashfulness.

‘I was hoping that maybe you’d like to be roommates,’ Seungwan eventually admits, going as red as a tomato. Joohyun became speechless.

Now, Joohyun and Seungwan had gone a long way from enemies to unexpected friends, but staying together was something else altogether. The older had no idea what to say to the proposition and the reluctance must have shown on her face because the singer hurriedly added,

‘I’ll totally get it if you don’t want to, I mean, rooming with me will probably give you multiple whiplashes a day-‘ She chuckled self-depreciatively.

‘It’s not that,’ Joohyun admitted, sighing heavily. ‘Can I think about it for a moment or two? It’s just that Seulgi left not too long ago and I’m feeling a little lost. It’s not because of you.’

Seungwan raised her head, looking quite surprised at the lack of outright rejection; hopeful even. Joohyun reached out for her hand, squeezing it in reassurance. The younger just nodded and they moved on to other subjects.

Joohyun went back to her room that afternoon, weighing her options.

According to Chanyeol Park, Seungwan’s major crush on her was not a joke at all. That alone should make Joohyun abort the mission. Especially with the way her own heart was wavering these days.

On the other hand, though, Joohyun felt lonely. Living with the blue haired girl would not resemble her peaceful cohabitation with Seulgi; that much was quite certain. But she felt that she could welcome having more human contact within her four walls.

It was Seungwan Son, so nobody could predict what would happen.

But Seungwan Son was still the proverbial devil that Joohyun already knew like the back of her own hand. There was no way of telling who would be sent in her stead, and it was clear that somebody else eventually would have to invade her solitude. The school always tried to group the students together, as a form of bonding exercise. Joohyun was not opposed to socialising, but with half the school population being against her, it was a risk that she did not feel ready to take.

But, as she began typing her reply to Seungwan, she could not deny that there was a little fondness somewhere in there, too. Maybe even a little more than just a little if her sudden giddiness was anything to go by.

And now Joohyun Bae lives with Seungwan Son and there is no way to return to her life prior to stashes of empty beer bottles rolling from under the bed (alright, that was one time but still), mountains of fluffy pillows in crazy colours and Apple Bottom underwear. It has been a week and Joohyun still cannot decide whether this is a change for better or for worse. Seungwan is close; she is close and she is everywhere. She has a habit of engaging her roommate in everything she does, from laundry folding to her biology homework, and she also never really stops talking – not even in her sleep, when she mumbles about her finals or makes noises that sound suspiciously like humming a new melody.

To her mortification, two times Joohyun woke up with her own face pressed into the back of the other girl’s head; they had fallen asleep while watching The Good Place which almost despite herself, Joohyun seems to have taken a strong liking to. The first time, her surprise was so abrupt that she pushed Seungwan out of the bed in her haste to get away; the younger, however, merely groaned unintelligibly and turned to the other side, further splaying her short limbs on the carpet. The second time, Joohyun stared at the other’s head for a moment, debating whether it would be appropriate to push Seungwan out of her own bed, but be it resignation or sleepiness, she ended up falling into deep slumber without having taken any real decision. By the time the clock struck seven o’clock, the usual wake up call, her younger roommate was no longer by her side. In fact, she was not even in the room (Joohyun later learnt that Seungwan sneaked out at the crack of dawn to do who knows what with Tao Huang – Seungwan tried to explain but Joohyun gave up trying to comprehend the situation after “tongs” and “too much salt”).

‘Are you listening?’ Joohyun’s head shoots up, looking at her roommate in a manner that seems dazed. She feels a bit tired, but she can only blame it on the continuous tension in which she is living these days. Junmyeon and Sehun will not leave her mind, school is driving her mad and distracting more than keeping her grounded; on top of it all, there is still Seungwan and everything that comes with their new situation.

Joohyun’s head is spinning.

‘You have to go to the library and find a new topic for your essay or Mr. Phillips will not let you pass History,’ the older repeats dutifully, because even though mentally she has been away the entire time, she is still trying to be a supportive friend. ‘Quite frankly, I’m inclined to agree with him. I myself wouldn’t really consider discussion on the creation of a rock band as legitimately important twentieth century event.’

‘That’s because you’ve never heard any of Green Day’s songs,’ Seungwan whines and Joohyun gives her the look. ‘Either way. Can you not help me? Please?’ She makes what she thinks is her best pitiful face but somehow ends up looking like a squirrel with puffed cheeks. Joohyun briefly chuckles upon the sudden realisation but quickly shrugs when met with the other’s inquisitive gaze; she would rather not explain to Seungwan Son that she finds her cute.

Wait, wha-

‘Please, please, please, pretty please with a cherry on top,’ Seungwan continues to try her luck but skinship with the younger is the last thing that Joohyun needs right now, so she disentangles herself from the armful that the other girl keeps her in, smiling lightly but the message is clear.

‘Go do your homework and maybe I’ll help you check it in the evening.’ After all, she is still a merciful soul. Also, there is something really calming about the way Seungwan improvises new songs on her acoustic guitar, proving soundtrack for whatever Joohyun is doing at the time. Those are rare moments when Joohyun actually does feel at ease. They don’t talk but there is a kind of silent accompaniment that speaks louder than a thousand words of support. Seungwan is there for Joohyun even if she herself is not fully aware of the effect her song writing has on her roommate.

That reassurance is enough to the singer. She grins once again before squeezing the elder’s shoulder in thanks and having grabbed her bag off the floor, she delays no further her academic ventures. Joohyun watches her retreat for a few seconds, ready to head out of the canteen herself but then she feels a hand stop her on the spot and a long shadow somewhat dramatically falls on the girl’s now empty tray.

Oh, no.

‘I thought she’d never leave,’ Chanyeol Park sighs in relief, making himself comfortable on the chair next to Joohyun. He has brought over the rest of his lunch, too. These days, he has taken to cornering his new found friend away from Seungwan and the rest of their circle’s immediate attention.

‘Can I help you?’ The girl’s question is an unnecessary formality because invited or not, Chanyeol Park is surely here to bring up the same old topic. At first Joohyun was baffled, then she became annoyed and now her feelings amount to nothing more than pure resignation. One good thing that came out of those unwelcomed meetings is that she has turned more brazen around him so now instead of awkward, it is simply frustrating to be around the boy.

‘Right, so listen to this and tell me if the intonation is good or whatev-‘

‘Chanyeol Park.’ Joohyun likes to think that using his full name will result in asserting some kind of authority over the younger, but what she does not know is that by now, the boy has started treating her overall attitude towards him as a form of friendliness. ‘How many times do I have to tell you that the quality or effectiveness of prayers do not depend on you voice intonation and posture? Just start a dialogue with God with whatever comes straight from your heart and let it guide you from there.’

The two of them exchange a long look. Joohyun has a passing feeling that perhaps finally, finally something has got through to him, but then-

‘Ok, but I found this 300 year old prayer on the internet, do you think that if I try to hum along to it like they did on YouTube, I’d…’

Joohyun turns away, already internally muting his monologue. With Chanyeol continuous blabber as background noise, she looks around the hall, trying to find another object of attention that would not remind her of her own crisis of faith. It is hard to reason with Chanyeol about his sudden will to convert, especially when he himself is so in denial about it. Sehun and Yixing stay strong in God – Joohyun does not know how her peer can be so open and unwavering in his belief, especially after everything that has happened to both of them, but it does wonders for Sehun for it keeps him grounded. Nonetheless, if Chanyeol’s only incentive to engage with the church is his affection for Baekhyun, however strong it might be, it will not be enough. If anything, it will fatigue him very fast and further antagonise him, making his feel trapped…

Joohyun’s eyes land on two of her former colleagues from the Union. The two girls – Maria Sherman and her friend, whose name the former president could never retain for she was the quietest mouse Joohyun has ever met – would always share everything and walk holding hands, never seen without one another. Even now, the two are seated shoulder to shoulder, watching something on the cell phone placed in front of them, giggling and elbowing each other. Before, Joohyun just found it inappropriate, given that most of the time their action took place in the chapel or during one of the many religious appeals that Junmyeon was so fond of. Now she just thinks their friendship awfully resembles… her and Seungwan’s.

‘-Your throne of grace is the delight of my soul-‘

Joohyun used to be uncomfortable with closeness. Even after all the years of being friends with Seulgi, they never really reached a point when touching was essential or particularly welcomed. Joohyun did not flinch from it but she did not encourage it either, taking warm words and ardent prayers as a better, more efficient way of consoling the other. She was always there, watching over the girl and she trusted that Seulgi felt her concern.

With Seungwan Son, it is exactly the opposite. Seungwan is unyielding and wild, and she never listens to anyone. She does things before she can evaluate their accuracy and relevancy, and she is the constant source of each and every one of Joohyun’s major headaches. But she is also trustful and strangely positive for everything that she has gone through in her short life. Most importantly, she is active and does not take well to staying too long by herself. Grabbing Joohyun’s hand, elbow or shoulder as she leads the way through the corridor or to the dormitory have become actions so familiar that neither even thinks about them anymore. Sitting side by side and laughing while watching a TV series – there is no way that Seungwan will not talk Joohyun into watching once the laptop has been – is also nothing strange. When Seungwan slides further down into the pillows and ends up snuggling into Joohyun’s neck, the brunette merely readjusts in her seat so she can still see over the top of the other’s head. In fact, all of those are occurrences so regular that they have the older girl nearly looking forward to them.

She has begun looking forward to spending time with Seungwan and seeing her happy, she suddenly realises. And she has begun also looking forward to the feeling of strength and joy that it in turns brings her. While Joohyun set on changing Seungwan’s attitude, the singer ended up influencing her ever more without ever having to plan any of it.

‘-put on the helmet of salvation-‘

‘What would you call a girl who likes holding another girl’s hand and cuddling with her?’ I like the cuddles and I like the hand holding. If I deny it any longer in front of myself, my chest might just burst open.

‘…What?’ Chanyeol blinks at the girl, having missed the question due to his own focus on the choral.

‘How would you describe a girl who likes holding another girl’s hand and cuddling with her?’ She repeats patiently, this time looking at him. He frowns, thinking.

‘A lesbian?’ He answers, to which her eyes widen comically. She waves her hands in front of her, gesturing what she reckons is a total misunderstanding on his part.

‘No, it’s not like that.’ She looks down again, trying to collect her thoughts. Perhaps she did not articulate herself clearly enough. She tries for another angle. ‘So how would you describe a girl that likes holding hands with another girl and cuddling with her, but only does it occasionally?’

‘…A lesbian who does occasional skinship?’ Chanyeol replies in what sounds like a question rather than a statement. He is visibly confused about the direction in which their conversation is going.

‘No, I mean, you don’t understand. What would you call a girl that doesn’t normally enjoy being close to anyone physically, but recently decided that it maybe isn’t so bad after all because the other girl makes her feel really happy and warm inside for what seems like no apparent reason?’

Chanyeol blinks again, staring at Joohyun like she has lost her mind.

‘Everything you just said…plus a lesbian?’

Joohyun thinks that this is her cue to leave the table. Which she does.

A/N: I've been so busy I feel like I've literally been writing this chapter 40 days, 10 words every evening. Sorry for the delay. Now I'm going to go to bed to catch up on sleep. Can't promise an exact date of the next update but I am always writing - sometimes just very very slowly... To all my new subscribers, welcome and please upvote if you like, I love all coments and upvotes. Thank you.