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The unexpected click heard in the receiver has Joohyun interrupt her mindless observation of the students hanging around the sports field three floors down. She calls; she calls him without fail every evening and perhaps she is a fool for doing so, seeing that her twin has never once picked up the phone.

Until now.

‘Stop calling me,’ Junmyeon says without any preamble, although his voice sounds mostly tired.

‘How are you?’ She responds quietly, ignoring his hostility. There are so many things that she wants to say, that she wants to ask him but right now, nothing seems appropriate and Joohyun hates it. She hates that she can no longer talk to who was once the most important person in her life.

‘Stop calling me,’ Junmyeon uselessly insists again, tone turning even weaker than before. He does not just sounds exhausted now – he is.

‘You know I can’t do that,’ Joohyun whispers into the phone, willing away the tears. She does not need a breakdown in the middle of the corridor, where anyone can see her the moment they step out of their room. She herself exited the bedroom for only a moment to try and make her usual attempt at contacting her family, not really expecting a positive outcome when she has been disappointed so many times before.

‘Is it about Seulgi? If so, you don’t have to worry. She’s healthy and I’m taking good care of her.’

‘I would never dare think otherwise,’ Joohyun concurs quickly, temporarily content with just listening to the voice on the other side.

‘Then what is it?’ The boy eventually asks, more hesitant with each passing second of the silence between them.

‘I miss you,’ she admits after another moment, wiping the tear right at the lower lash line, where it threatens to roll down her left cheek. She hopes that Junmyeon cannot hear the shaking in her voice.

‘I don’t miss you,’ he finally says, but somehow it does not sound convincing. Or maybe it is just hopefulness on his sister’s part. ‘You told me I was not your brother anymore,’ Junmyeon adds after yet another moment, and this time there is no mistaking the tightness of his throat as he voices out the words.

Joohyun takes in the remark - nearly forces herself to live through it again as it burns her to the core. She said what she had to, but she does not feel in any way justified. Her brother did not forget, and clearly suffers from the memory of it.

She takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself down.

‘I was angry, Junmyeon. I was so angry at you for what you said to Sehun. But it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t forgive you in a heartbeat, should you ask for it.’ Joohyun thinks that her twin will leash out at her for such unreasonable in his understanding words, but he only sighs. It is a sigh of a person that has matured ten years in a span of two months. ‘Do you really hate him that much?’ She cannot help but press further, her voice turning higher from holding in all the emotions.

Another deep sigh.

‘There is nothing that I can say to you right now. You and I… I don’t see a way out of this. Certainly not in the near future.’

Four weeks.

Four weeks and not once had either Junmyeon or Seulgi picked up their cells. Joohyun was worried, but there was no way to check up on them. There is no one left at home that she could turn to; she understands that unless her mother reaches out first, it is better to stay away and not phone home directly. By the time Joohyun came back to school from the Christmas break, there was some more money deposited onto her account, and this was the only way to know that at least one parent is still concerned with her well-being

Even longer has passed since that dramatic parting on the school’s parking lot but although to Joohyun they seemed an eternity, now she will have to live with the knowledge that perhaps her bond with Junmyeon is not an elastic band that bounces back after even a major stretch – perhaps it has always been a delicate string that once cut will never look the same again, no matter how many knots Joohyun tries to tie it back with.

‘I hope you’re not slacking off in your studies,’ Joohyun changes the subject, mainly just wanting to prolong the conversation. There is no use arguing over the previous matter and anyway, it is a topic much too charged to be discussed over the phone. ‘Miss Harrington gave us back the algebra test we took before holiday and Jongdae Kim was first again. But you were third. I think next time you can definitely beat his scores.’

Junmyeon only hums non-committally, her attempts at lighting up the mood going unnoticed.

‘Do you have problems with your French? You can send it to me, I will correct your homework.’ Joohyun knows that she is simply blabbering at this point, having not received absolutely any comment from her brother. ‘Junmyeon, are you alright?’ She finally sobs into the receiver, voicing out the only thing that really matters to her.

She listens to her brother breathe for a few more seconds before he says,

‘You should probably know that father didn’t pay for Sehun’s tuition this semester.’ Joohyun is not nearly as taken aback by the random comment as she should be. Before she has time to react, Junmyeon adds, ‘I still pray for both of you, though perhaps I’m just a fool for doing so. Take care of yourself.’

He hangs up.

For a long while, Joohyun continues silently watching the year ten students who are playing field hockey outside until her tears have dried up.

Seungwan helps. In fact Seungwan helps every time, but her presence simultaneously inspires genuine fear in her companion. Joohyun is supposed to take it slow; she is supposed to deal with the problems on her own and she is supposed to figure it all out in her own time. Instead, she allows her new girlfriend to console her and to defend her, and it is honestly not something that Joohyun is used to. She is used to being alone, fighting the world with her cold attitude and Words that she used to recognise as the only truth. Depending on somebody the way she does Seungwan is admittedly foreign and scary.

More importantly, she does not know how to handle the overwhelming feelings towards Seungwan which once let out, have not only not subsided, but actually escalated to the point when Joohyun can no longer control herself. Even Seungwan, as excited and willing at the sudden development, has noticed the radical change.

‘Joohyun-‘ Seungwan’s breath is once again stolen by the other’s lips on hers. ‘You don’t have to-‘

‘I want to,’ Joohyun gasps out, pressing herself closer to the other girl before she resumes the activity.

It happens to her in the most random of times, it is like an urge that she momentarily feels too weak to fight. Seungwan can be standing there, frowning at the exam schedule in her hands and Joohyun just looks at her, really looks at her like she is the most fascinating image that her mind has ever conjured. Suddenly, the inexplicable fire consumes her and then next thing they know, they are all over each other on one of the beds.

Like now.

‘Joohyun… Joohyun, wait.’ With much difficulty, Seungwan disentangles herself from the embrace, sitting back up and moving away just a tiny bit. Joohyun kisses like she does everything in life – with decisiveness and purpose. She takes control and she does not let go until the goal has been reached and the needs satisfied. Paradoxically, their intimacy is the last that Seungwan sees of old Joohyun, the preacher’s daughter.

‘I thought this is what you wanted.’ The older sounds impatient and it makes Seungwan feel somewhat upset, making it seem like the skinship is only initiated on her account.

‘I want it,’ she admits nearly despite herself. ‘I want all of you, so much. But I am just not sure if you want it.’

Joohyun stills, not sure what to make out of the unexpected comment. She puts one of her unruly locks behind her left ear. It falls right back to frame her face, much thinner than before.

‘Of course I want it.’

‘It’s been a month - scratch that, not even full thirty days since we decided to give this relationship a try. I don’t think you still fully realise what you’re doing…’ Seungwan trails away the moment Joohyun’s hand rests on her left shoulder, caressing it slowly. ‘I don’t think you realise the consequences,’ she adds quietly, no longer feeling sure of what the point of her comment was because Joohyun Bae’s lips move closer and they have never looked redder.

‘What do you mean? What consequences?’ Joohyun nearly sits on her lap and leans in, slowly pushing Seungwan back into the initial position.

‘You- your- Wait.’

There it is - the touch that once again makes the younger girl alert to her surroundings. That is correct – what really jolted Seungwan out of the haze of lust was the naughty hand sneaking up and reaching for her bra. Torn between the embarrassment and shock at the development, Seungwan can only gape at the other. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine that it would be herself shying away from Joohyun’s bold advances.

Again.

‘It’s too fast too soon. You- We shouldn’t do anything that you might regret later.’

‘Is that what you think I’m doing here? Making mistakes that I will later be regretful of?’ Joohyun sits back up. This time there is a frown marring her face.

‘I don’t know,’ Seungwan admits quietly.

It is a familiar narrative, a conversation they have already had more than once. Joohyun wants, she wants something but Seungwan is not entirely certain that she is not merely a rebound for the elder, and on top of that, a rebound of the most bizarre kind. Joohyun is fighting a losing battle - with herself, with her religion and with her family. She has gone from one extreme to another in the span of months and while the blush on her cheeks when she looks at her girlfriend is sincere and her kisses eager, perhaps it is not the best idea to jump head straight into an act as final and life altering as would be for her.

Seungwan tells her as much.

‘But you still want me, don’t you. You’ll not abandon me..?’ There it is, another already predictable question that turns Joohyun so small and helpless that Seungwan has no other choice – or volition, really – but to immediately envelope the other in a tight yet tender hug.

‘I think between us, I have more reason to believe that you’ll wake up one day, realising that you’re indeed every socially awkward lesbian’s wet dream and could be having a much better time with them, so you definitely don’t have to worry about me leaving you.’ She cannot help but chuckle. Joohyun breaks the embrace and lightly hits her girlfriend’s arm, huffing at her silliness but it is a playful gesture.

‘You’ll get tired of my indecisiveness,’ Joohyun observes after a moment, expression turning serious again.

‘I don’t think so,’ Seungwan responds firmly. ‘But I also don’t think that I have to prove anything to you. Certainly not like this. is a big deal, Joohyun, even for me. I can’t imagine what’s going on in that head of yours but you don’t want this, at least not yet.’ They look at each other for a moment before Seungwan adds. ‘I think you’re stressed and I think you’re trying to overcompensate. And you really don’t have to. So don’t feel like you owe me anything, like it’s some kind of weird exchange. It doesn’t work like that, that much I know.’

Joohyun nods then, slowly her upper lip in a nervous manner. She leans in for another kiss. Her lips are so moist, they feel so good that Seungwan lets out a quiet moan of sheer desperation. They part again.

‘I’m not overcompensating,’ Joohyun says after a moment, seeming having moulded it over in her mind. ‘I just do what feels right. I’ve stopped trying to control every single bit of emotion that I have and… this is where it led me.’ She whispers right into the younger girl’s mouth.

‘You mean, to my bra?’ Even in an embarrassing situation, Seungwan’s tongue is quicker than her thinking. Pun intended.

Joohyun laughs before lowering her gaze.

‘You’re a piece of work, Seungwan Son, has anyone told you that?’

‘Just about everyone I’ve ever held a conversation with for longer than a minute but cheers,’ she grins widely, though still slightly out of breath. Joohyun laughs again, before she makes a move to push the fringe away from the other’s eyes in a tender manner.

‘You’re so lovely,’ Joohyun muses, almost despite herself. Seungwan is beyond embarrassed, her cheeks as red as a fresh apple, and when she’s embarrassed she just cannot take the compliment, so-

‘And you’re a real doll but hey, let’s not make it a competition,’ is what comes out of . The singer belatedly realises that she might have just effectively ruined the atmosphere with her proverbial grease but Joohyun only chuckles, shaking her head in slight disbelief.

‘I must be really falling hard for you if I’m even beginning to find you funny…’ She shakes her head again, not fully aware just what it is that she has voiced out loud. But Seungwan hears the indirect confession.

Her heart starts beating fast again - but perhaps it has never fully slowed down at all, not since she first laid her eyes on Joohyun Bae.

Moments with Seungwan help, but they can never fully remedy all the other problems on her plate. Joohyun already knew that her parents’ care would not extend to Sehun – certainly not after what she witnessed the last time she was home. Junmyeon’s offhand remark merely confirmed that suspicion.

Sehun reached Trent hours after the Parks had dropped off the trio staying at their own house. The holiday was not long, but communication with her younger brother had become progressively more difficult after the first few phone calls they shared. Eventually, she received a text from Yixing that Sehun was not doing well and she has not been able to sleep in peace since. Even the smile he gave her as a greeting was but a shell of his already usually stoic facial expression. When she turned to Yixing questioningly, he merely shook his head, eventually averting his eyes.

She makes it a point to stick to Sehun as much as she can; after all, they both are all that each has left now. Between Yixing Zhang and Tao Huang’s constant nagging, her younger brother manages to continue his school routine and prepare for the upcoming exams, but his attitude is not what it used to be. Even the sarcasm and the defensive spark in his gaze are gone. Sometimes Joohyun and Sehun would sit side by side for more than two hours, typically doing their homework, with not even one word exchanged between them.

She asks him about everything and anything that she can think of, but his replies are usually limited to a single sentence at best. Joohyun does not dare inquire about the cause of his distress directly for one time she did, he closed himself off completely. She does not want to press further than necessary just yet, though perhaps she should. His problems are always on her mind.

‘He needs help, Joohyun,’ is what Yixing Zhang says to her one day, having sought her out in the girls’ dormitory. He waits for her in the lobby and when she descends, he sends her a serious look. ‘Maybe he should see somebody. Somebody who could really help him, you know. I don’t think either of us is doing a good job, to be completely honest. Not for the lack of trying – we just don’t know what we’re doing.’

Joohyun sees his point, but arranging counselling is not as easy as it sounds, and the girl still does not know how much of the story she really wants out in the open. Or whether her brother would be at all willing to go through with this kind of intervention. She make a mental note to talk to him about it as soon as she can.

But surprisingly, it is Jongin Kim who comes to the proverbial rescue – and in a completely different to what could have been expected form. Joohyun has not seen or heard about the boy since their one and only confrontation in October, and she supposes that it is only understandable that he should avoid her.

It is Tuesday afternoon that Sehun approaches her, a big smile on his face so uncharacteristic these days that Joohyun does a double take.

‘I got a job,’ her brother announces happily, waiting for her reaction. She does not say anything for a moment, merely frowning. Since when was a job an option for him?

‘A job?’

‘Jongin got me an interview at the kebab place he’s working at and I got it.’

‘A job?’ Joohyun only repeats, not quite sure what to make out of this new development. It is not necessarily that she thinks Sehun above part time employment, but with everything that he has going on, it also does not seem like a real solution to all the problems piling up in his life. ‘Sehun, I don’t think you need a job right now.’

Her younger brother frowns at that, having clearly expected a much warmer reaction.

‘In case you haven’t noticed, I no longer have a home or a family, so I at least need to make some money to eat.’

Joohyun sighs deeply, looking at the boy nearly exasperated. Homeless or not, Sehun can really be dramatic sometimes.

‘Let’s not exaggerate now, shall we. Right now you’re staying here, until graduation. I’ve already paid your tuition.’

Sehun blinks at the news, clearly not expecting it.

‘You’ve paid my tuition? Where did you get the money for that?’

‘Don’t worry about it,’ she hedges, thinking of her grandma’s fund. A part of it has always been Junmyeon’s possession but she has little choice now – her twin will probably not understand, but Sehun needs the money more.

‘What do you mean, don’t worry about it? Now I’m really starting to worry,’ Sehun presses, looking at Joohyun warily.

‘It’s my university savings, I withdrew part of it.’ That has her younger brother agitated and immediately on his feet.

‘You can’t do that, I do not accept-‘

‘It’s already done, it’s not like I had any other choice right now. You don’t have any money and father refuses to pay for your education any further. I’m sure you are aware of it.’ She wishes that she did not have to speak to him so frankly – despite the one year difference between them, she has always perceived him as much younger and fragile. But at the moment, keeping him in the dark would only hurt him more, however painful her words are now.

‘So the school let you pay for me?’ The boy inquires quietly, sitting back down. He suddenly looks defeated.

‘I had a talk with the headmistress. It’s a difficult situation but in the eyes of the British law I’m already an adult, so I can be listed as your sponsor. I changed the records and transferred the money to their account. It was indeed fortunate that I even had it in the first place.’

Sehun fists his palms tightly before releasing them again. He is still a boy, and a helpless one, his sister thinks with a tinge of pity.

‘I’ll pay you back,’ he decides immediately. ‘It’s a loan,’ He adds. She sends him a small smile.

‘Under one condition – you pay it back when you can, which possibly means distant future, and you only work during weekends if you really feel that you have to. You need time to study, Sehun, and you need to use it well. Otherwise it will all be in vain.’

And I’m scared. That, she does not say out loud.

It is the same afternoon that Seungwan joins her at the canteen. Joohyun is still at the table, mindlessly looking through the courses that she has applied to. The results of her applications are supposed to be out the next day but although a big step towards her future, her thoughts are still very much with the present situation at hand. She thinks that she needs to contact Jongin, perhaps thank him for coming through and being there for Sehun but understandably, she is not looking forward to another confrontation.

She is tired.

‘You’ve been here since lunch?’ Seungwan inquires, putting down her half written essay and a bag of pepper flavoured Walkers. The girl remains addicted to snacks and junk food, despite Joohyun’s utmost efforts to make her aware of the fats that she consumes.

'Had nothing to do,’ she admits. She is not ready just yet to talk about her brother. She needs a break before she dives into the subject again.

They both turn back to their respective tasks, amicable silence upon them for the next half an hour or so. Joohyun eventually notices the pensive mood that her girlfriend is in and the glances thrown her way from time to time. Having taken a quick look around, Joohyun gently places her hand over the other’s, drawing her attention to herself.

‘Is there something wrong?’

Seungwan appears reluctant to bring up the topic.

‘Not really,’ she responds dismissively but the elder is not having it.

‘You can tell me.’

Seungwan purses her lips, nearly withdrawing again but ultimately says,

‘I really want to tell Chanyeol. About us, I mean.’

Joohyun takes a deep breath but in the end closes , unsure what to say to that. She is at a loss. Telling someone – anyone – feels like a big, and somewhat cementing step towards being categorised and Joohyun does not know if Chanyeol Park can understand what she is currently going through.

‘I was thinking… I know your relationship with him is bumpy at best but to me, he’s a really important person. He’s crude and a real headache, but he’s my headache and it just doesn’t feel good hiding it from him. It’s been so long – to me it has. I’ll respect your decision regardless but it would really make me feel better if I could share with him.’

‘As long as he does not pass it forward… you can do it,’ Joohyun responds after a moment, squeezing the hand that she has been holding. It is a reluctant permission - it is hard to pretend otherwise - but she feels that she needs to push herself more, she needs to face her situation head on. It is mortifying, but it also seems exhilarating.

If that even makes sense. Joohyun’s life has recently been full of paradoxes.

‘Really?’ Seungwan blinks stupefied, not expecting such development.

‘Yes, of course. I’m not the only one… in this relationship,’ Joohyun says, making sure that she looks directly into Seungwan’s eyes as she conveys the last words. ‘And I should tell Sehun. I don’t know what’s been holding me back.’

Her girlfriend immediately notices Joohyun’s thoughts drifting away towards her brother so she responds resolutely,

‘I think he would appreciate your honesty. He’s really shared a lot of himself these past few weeks.’ Joohyun nods, averting her eyes. ‘Hey, you know what?’ Seungwan prompts again and her girlfriend looks back up. ‘How about this. I’m gonna go talk to Chanyeol now and later, you and I are going on a date.’

‘Huh?’ Joohyun’s once again shocked into speechlessness.

‘We’ve been together for what, a month already?’ She says, grinning again. ‘I haven’t even taken you out once. My treat. Let’s go out to have a romantic dinner.’

‘You’re insane.’ Joohyun laughs but is not exactly opposed.

‘Whatever you say, M’Lady,’ Seungwan bows in an exaggerated manner, earning another chuckle.

‘Alright,’ Joohyun easily agrees, honestly already looking forward to it. ‘Can’t wait.’

Seungwan nods and gathers all her books. Right as she is about to leave the table, she turns around one more time. She can’t help herself.

‘Hey, Joohyun, wanna hear a joke?’ Seungwan prompts out of the blue, being her silly self. The older girl turns to her, focusing her attention on the pretty eyes and the wide grin, and even the horrible blue hair that Joohyun is resolute to finally groom to a presentable state. She smiles again.

‘You know what? Yes. Yes, I do.’

A/N: Life, my dear friends. Life is busy. I should be back to updating regularly, I really aim to finish this story by the end of this year. Thank you for sticking around, as always, and have a good day. (Upvote if you liked).