170918

‘Joohyun. Hey, Joohyun!’ Joohyun flinches as a hand lands on her shoulder, and she immediately shrugs it away out of reflex. Once she has taken a safe step back, she turns around only to face surprised looking Seungwan Son.

It takes a moment for the older to regain her mental footing.

‘Seungwan,’ She clears in a weak attempt to appear unfazed. ‘It’s you. Did you want something?’

‘..Just to say hi, I guess?’ The singer frowns deeper, looking at the other girl with suspicion. ‘Didn’t see you the whole of yesterday. What got you so arsed up all of a sudden?’

Joohyun only chuckles weakly, pressing her Spanish textbook closer to her chest, as if for protection. She has never thought of herself as vulnerable or cowering before adversity, but the past three days are really starting to take a toll on her. Because it is one thing to be mocked for something she fully believes in and is ready to retaliate to, but another to try to react to something which she does not even know how to begin to understand.

‘Nothing, it’s nothing. I’m a bit preoccupied with the midterms at the moment, is all.’ It is dodging on her part, but effective one nonetheless, for it takes Seungwan’s attention away from the topic at hand. The younger immediately groans at the mention of the upcoming exams.

‘I’m ready to jump of the roof over my biology paper, I kid you not. Normally I’m not one to care for my mother’s rubbish talk, but I got such ear-bashing two nights ago, I went straight to Baekhyun Byun for help, not that that’s gonna make any difference…’ She mumbles. ‘I’m positive he thinks both Chanyeol and I are dimwits, and he’d be about right. I can’t retain a single piece of information that doesn’t have to do with English, music or our band.’

‘There is still over a week left, you’ll have enough time to prepare…’ To be perfectly honest, Joohyun cannot guarantee the truth of her statement, seeing how she does not even know Seungwan well enough to be making a sound judgement of her learning skills, but she nonetheless goes with a less assuming and more comforting approach. Seungwan only sighs dramatically, continuing her tirade.

‘I am now confident that should I get anything less that 60%, my mother won’t for a bloody second hesitate to send me straight to Marion, this time for real.’

‘Who’s Marion?’ Joohyun asks, confused, setting the pace as the two girls begin walking towards the staircase.

‘Marion is a what, not a who. Marion Military Institute is my mother’s preferred chamber of torture for her one and only daughter,’ Seungwan snorts. ‘She’s been threatening to send me there since I turned seven. She’d love to see me being disciplined by their hand – that’d just give her one more reason not to care about her own parental duties.’

‘Your mother worries about you, Seungwan,’ Joohyun says with conviction to which the younger just rolls her eyes.

‘Never mind Trent - the only reason why I’m still even on the territory of this beautiful land is because my father refuses to let my mother ship me to the US. But if I give them reason enough, they just might finally reach an agreement and seal my fate.’

‘When was the last time you saw your father?’ Joohyun cannot help but ask, taking note of the other’s tone of voice. Bitterness is there, but most importantly, hurt.

‘When I was fourteen, I think?’

‘Fourteen?! Wasn’t that almost four years ago?’ Joohyun really is surprised now. She knows, of course, that Seungwan’s relationship with her parents is not ideal, but at least her mother does check up on her every now and then, whether the singer likes it or not.

Seungwan snorts again.

‘Bollocks, isn’t it. Him getting to decide what I do with my life, considering he most probably wouldn’t be able to even pick my face out from the crowd at this point.’ Joohyun sends her a sympathetic look, because that is the only thing that she can do. The matter briefly allows her to forget her own worries. ‘And where the heck is Alabama? Who has even heard of that?

‘Anyone who has ever taken Geography in year 7, Seungwan,’ Joohyun responds, meaning to lighten up the atmosphere. She can tell that despite her anguish, the younger girl is actually far from being depressed about it and more in a whiney mood, which happens quite often.

‘I can’t concentrate right now. We have two more rehearsals before the performance on Sunday and then I promise, I will study like crazy the entire week. Like I’ve never studied in my entire life.’

‘That I have no problem believing,’ Joohyun quietly observes, but not quietly enough for Seungwan not to scoff at her and playfully hit her shoulder. The older laughs at the singer’s indignation.

‘You should come to the party at Minseok’s house tonight,’ Seungwan declares once they reach the elder’s classroom and Joohyun frowns, sceptical. ‘It’s going to be fun, I promise.’

‘Oh, I don’t know about that. Right now, going to Minseok Kim’s house is the last thing that I should do, I think.’ Joohyun gives Seungwan a pointed look. Oh.

‘How did it go yesterday? You know, with Jongin..?’

‘What do you think? It went horribly. Not that I expected anything else,’ Joohyun adds as an afterthought. ‘I felt utterly humiliated.’

‘Yeah, well. Imagine what Jongin must have felt like,’ Seungwan does not mean for it to sound bitter, but it still comes out that way. The older sends her a quizzical look, but does not comment.

‘I suppose you’re right.’

‘Did you apologise to them, though?’

‘Do you mind if we don’t talk about it? Not to be rude, but it’s between me and them.’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ Seungwan parrots and Joohyun only sighs.

‘Look, I’m sorry. I just really don’t feel... comfortable…’ The older trails away as her eyes land on a group of girls standing outside her class.

It’s one of the few classes that she does not share with Yixing Zhang, whom she has taken to sitting with in the last few days. His presence is not really a comforting one, but it is always better than being by herself. She reasons that she should be there for him, and he pretends that he does not mind the fussing, and that is how they get through the class. It’s not that Joohyun needs the moral support; her heart has long hardened while spreading the word of Lord, for not everyone is equally keen on it as she is. Or used to be.

But it is one thing to be brave when one has the whole army of God behind them. Another, when the only person who could potentially stick up for you is Seungwan Son and her gang of social rejects.

Not rejects, Joohyun mentally chastises herself. She does that every time old habits come into play. They’re Sehun’s friends and by extent, they are now Joohyun’s company. If she cannot accept them for what they are then both Seungwan and Sehun are right – her being there for her younger brother will not amount to much. The only problem is, people of their kind are few and oscillate on the margin of the school society and Joohyun is used to being in its immediate centre. So right now, even having to endure the condescending stares of two mere underclassmen has her world shaking.

Seungwan notices the way her companion spaces out and follow her gaze. She scoffs.

‘Those girls giving you trouble for hanging out with me?’ She guesses, turning back to Joohyun who lowers her head. In embarrassment or anxiety, she does not know herself.

‘Nothing I can’t handle,’ she assures quietly. ‘I’ve been called worse.’

‘What is it now? Hypocrite? Pagan?’ When Joohyun does not reply, the realisation downs on the singer. ‘They’re calling you a dyke, aren’t they.’ It is more of a statement than a question.

‘You should go, the class will start soon.’ Seungwan, however, has other ideas.

‘Awfully gobby for somebody who can’t even say any of those things to your face.’ Before Joohyun has a chance to react, the younger grabs her hands and flaunts it around for good measure as she raises her voice, mocking,

‘What are you two, sad arses, staring at? Never seen a lesbian before?’ The lowerclassmen quickly disperse, probably mildly terrified of a possible direct confrontation with somebody as forward as Seungwan Son, but it’s not their behaviour that takes the vocalist by surprise.

‘Seungwan, no!’ Joohyun breaks the physical contact almost as soon as the younger initiates it. The pure shock of the outburst makes the latter release the hold on Joohyun’s hand, while the older quickly looks around for witnesses.

It takes Seungwan less than a second to comprehend what just happened. She takes a deep breath, but is ultimately unable to keep the iciness out of her tone as she says,

‘Oh, I see now how it is. Don’t worry, Joohyun, I’m not contagious. Though there are still five minutes left till the bell rings – you might want to run to the bathroom and wash that hand.’

‘Seungwan, wait, that’s not-‘ the rest of the sentence lost in the sea of noisy students trying to get to their destination on time. The singer walks away without a second glance, leaving the other with a feeling of deep regret.

‘Minseok, the food in your fridge looks a bit manky, are you sure that is what you want to- Oh.’

‘Yes, oh,’ Minseok mocks. ‘Did you really think I’d serve my guests mouldy leftovers from last week? Which, by the way, Jongin was supposed to get rid of, seeing how Jongin was in charge of kitchen cleaning last week,’ he sends his cousin an accusatory look, to which the latter only smiles sheepishly.

‘Well,’ Tao scratches his head, ‘Anything goes in this household.’

‘Are you implying that we have no consideration for the hygiene?’

‘I’m saying that your parents are gone half the time, you’re never here on the weekends anyway and Jongin works in the most unhealthy and unsanitary place within the ten kilometre radius from our school, but the conclusion is up to you,’ the guitarist shrugs, moving away just in case the older feels like getting up from the coach and swinging at him. His fists might not look big, but the aim is precise enough to knock you out for a few good minutes.

‘You all right there?’ Seungwan lifts her head from where she is arranging the bottles of beer – Minseok and Jongin have bought some alcohol, but it is to be expected that the guests will take care of their own beverages, anyway. Chanyeol seems to be towering over her even more than he usually does, a frown marring his face.

‘Huh? Why wouldn’t I be?’ She shoots right back and her friend sighs dramatically.

‘I don’t know, I can just tell. The big toe of my right foot has been tingling-‘

‘Oh, sod off,’ she scoffs and the boy has audacity to laugh at her in his most boisterous voice.

‘What did you think, you dwarf? You’re standing in the corner by yourself, with a big frown on your face. And don’t get me started on your deathly aura-‘ He guffaws again as she attempts to strike him with a pillow she picks up from the worn out armchair. ‘Honestly, though, what’s eating you up?’

A silent moment lingers between them, before she eventually opens up.

‘All I want is to be friends with Joohyun, but she hates the very core of my existence,’ the girl sums up, shrugging more casually than she actually feels. When Chanyeol says nothing to that, she sighs and turns around, ready to mindlessly rearrange the bottles again. ‘Go ahead, say it. I deserve it. You have told me so, over and over again.’

She feels a heavy arm on her shoulder and whether she likes it or not, she is suddenly being squished to the boy’s much larger frame. Before she has a chance to protest the suffocating position, he says,

‘You deserve nothing of that sort, Wan, and don’t let any prick tell you otherwise. If Joohyun Bae doesn’t want to snog you, that’s her problem. But if she’s giving you a rubbish attitude because of who you are, she has another thing coming from me.’

‘You’re suffocating me, you oaf’ comes a muffled, much meeker than expected response. The red-haired drummer shrugs as he releases the girl. ‘But thanks, Yeol,’ she adds even more quietly. Deeming his friend appeased enough, Chanyeol cheekily says,

‘But I mean, don’t sell yourself short. You’re not such a bad kisser. I clearly remember-‘

‘Bloody hell, Park, we swore to never speak of that incident again,’ Seungwan groans and the taller just continues to laugh at her. ‘You’re such a loser.’

‘Takes one to know one,’ he winks and she ends up laughing, feeling defeated but much better at the same time. Temporarily, at least.

It’s not much later into the night, when the party is in full swing, down to the attendance of Minseok’s grown-up university friends, when Seungwan is forced to think about Joohyun again.

Her band mates are all there, as are her other friends. Jongin, whose alcohol tolerance amounts to a virtual null, is strictly forbidden from drinking, but his social attendance has always been conditioned more by music than liquors. He’s swaying left and right with a much older girl to the rhythm of some sleepy r&b tune, while his boyfriend argues his tipsy case through a pointless political debate with a few of his own friends from the law department. Sehun and Yixing haven’t stopped making out in their corner the entire evening and Seungwan thinks, not without a dose of bitterness, that for a guy who stayed in a closet for the past two years, Sehun sure has no problem letting everyone know just how much he’s enjoying himself now. Her annoyance is misplaced, though, and even she herself is aware of it; it just feels better than dwelling in drunken self-pity.

Chanyeol who, while completely plastered, turns much more courageous, is animatedly explaining some story to a group standing around him. Seungwan notices Baekhyun Byun among the tall boy’s audience and takes a mental note to tell Chanyeol that his crush actually laughed at one of his jokes, just in case the drummer cannot remember anything in the morning.

When she thinks she has had enough of the cheerful noisiness surrounding her, she puts on her jacket and readies herself to go outside for a moment, mostly to get some air and clear her head of any tipsiness that might linger. She does like to drink every once in a while, but their performance in Oceana is in two days, and tomorrow they’re supposed to have their last formal rehearsal, so she figures that it is better not to risk it. She muses that she should probably also stop Chanyeol from having too much – as a drummer, he’ll have the hardest time matching the rhythm coming from his sticks with the pounding in his head, should he be nursing a major hangover the next day.

But all of those thoughts leave her the moment she notices Joohyun and Minseok standing in the front door. Almost despite herself, she approaches, unable to stay away when Joohyun’s business is involved.

‘…feel when he realises that you’re here? I don’t want you here, Joohyun, you’d better leave.’

‘I’m actually just looking for-‘ The two girls’ eyes meet. ‘-Seungwan. She invited me.’ Minseok’s gaze follows his peer’s and he sighs, rolling his eyes.

‘Of course she did, without asking me once,’ the boy sends the vocalist a sour look. He, too, looks inhibited and therefore unable to argue for much longer. ‘Take it to the kitchen – or better yet, take it outside. Don’t let Jongin or Kyungsoo see you or there will be hell to pay. Just because I’ve decided to let this go doesn’t mean that Jongin did. I’ve no intention of having the night mucked up because you couldn’t keep it in your pants.’ He gives Seungwan a once over, before chuckling lowly. ‘Figuratively, of course.’ He pats her shoulder once as he walks away.

‘Yup, that was Minseok pissed out of his mind,’ Seungwan confirms to temporarily stupefied Joohyun. ‘His jokes are downright terrible when he’s drunk. But he still meant every word that he said, you know.’ The singer regards the older girl apprehensively. When the latter doesn’t respond, Seungwan prompts. ‘What are you even doing here?’

‘You technically invited me here,’ Joohyun observes, but there is guilt in her eyes – guilt that Seungwan just has no strength left to deal with tonight.

‘You made it pretty clear that you wanted nothing to do with this,’ she makes a general gesture with her hands. ‘Or with me.’

‘Seungwan-‘

‘Look, Joohyun, time and time again I let you walk all over me, and time and time over I tell myself that I should stop, but then you do something that makes me believe that maybe I’m just blowing the problem out of proportions. And then today happens and we’re back to square one.’

She exits the house, checking pockets of her flight jacket for her valuables. She was going to spend the night at Minseok and Jongin’s house before heading back to the dormitory in the morning – along with everyone else – but she just does not feel like partying anymore. She mentally assesses the amount of effort she’ll have to put to climb up the drain pipe on her way to her room. Joy will most probably open the window for her, but Seungwan will never hear the end of it.

Still, it sounds more reasonable than staying here with Joohyun Bae.

‘Seungwan, I’m sorry.’ Joohyun’s voice breaks as she finally turns to speak when they reach the bus stop. The night is exceptionally chilly, considering that just a few days prior it still felt like summer. A little puff of white steam leaves the older girl’s mouth as she hopelessly repeats, ‘I’m so sorry.’

Seungwan turns around, hands deep in her pockets as she’s trying to envelop herself tighter with the thin jacket she has on. She’s not even angry anymore – she’s just… sad.

‘You have no idea how dirty you made me feel today. You might not know it, or refuse to acknowledge it, but you are someone to me, Joohyun – and probably someone important, seeing how I just can’t seem to shake you off, no matter how many times I tell myself that I should and I will. I can take mockery and offence from strangers, but when people who make me believe they care for me later turn their back on me like that… it hurts,’ she lets out, nearly chocking in anguish. She notices that Joohyun’s eyes are unnaturally shiny and she averts her own, lest she might burst in tears at the sight of Joohyun’s. ‘It’s just ing hurts. At least when you hated my guts, I knew there was no chance of us ever becoming close. I could laugh about it, I could daydream all I wanted – the hell would sooner freeze than Joohyun Bae would as much as spare me one friendly glance.

‘But this… you come to me and you say that you want to be friends. That you want to start anew and you want to support your brother. You spend time with me, you laugh at my lame jokes. You go out of your way to deal with Junmyeon and you protect Yixing, and then… in one moment, you just destroy it all. All the faith I had in you.’

‘I really didn’t mean to, Seungwan,’ Joohyun whispers, not trusting herself to speak properly. ‘It’s like a reflex. Those people keep getting in my head and I just… I just…’

‘You just what?’ When the other is unable to respond, the younger shakes her head, not even caring that there are tears running down her face. Just a few minutes ago, Seungwan thought that she was already too tipsy, but now she realises that she is nowhere nearly drunk enough for this kind of conversation. ‘I’m so done with this, Joohyun. I’m only seventeen. I don’t ing deserve to feel like about myself all the time, and yet I always let myself be pulled into these unhealthy situations. But maybe that’s exactly my problem – I do this to myself. It’s like a never ending story.’

‘I know that my apology is worthless to you, and I know this is not about me either, but just try to look at what happened from my perspective,’ Joohyun pleads again. ‘My entire life, all I’ve heard was that this is sin, that it’s sickness. That I have every right to flinch away from it and that I should hate it. I’m not saying this to justify myself,’ she adds hurriedly, when Seungwan opens to interrupt. ‘I’m merely saying this because I’m still struggling, and sometimes I can’t help when I do something that pushes you or my brother away, even when I don’t want to.’

Seungwan does not know what to say to that, or whether she should even respond at all.

‘I feel horrible, I’ve felt horrible the entire day. Because I know I made you feel like you were disgusting, which you are not, Seungwan. You are not. If anyone is… that would be me.’ She looks at Seungwan properly, lower lip quivering. ‘I’m the one who is sick, but I just don’t know how to change myself.’

Seungwan can’t stand looking at Joohyun Bae crying what are probably the most honest tears in her life. She bites her lip to refrain from feeling even more pain than she already does.

‘I know that I hurt you, and I keep thinking that next time, it might be Sehun. It kills me to think that I could push him away and ruin what I’ve been trying so hard to build back between us. It’s just so hard to be alone, Seungwan. I know that it’s nothing in comparison to what you and he have been through, but I’m alone in this. I need to be there for Sehun and act like I got it all together the entire time, but the truth is that I don’t. I can’t bring myself to completely abandon everything I’ve ever believed in, but recently, all I do is worry that if I don’t, I’ll lose my brother the way I lost you today. I’m stuck, Seungwan, and I’m ing tired of it.’

‘You didn’t lose me. Not today.’ Seungwan’s voice is hoarse and maybe somewhat resigned, too, as she steps forward to embrace the other. Joohyun does not struggle, neither rejecting nor accepting the brief hug. Once they both calm down, Seungwan lets go and says, ‘But I told you this before and I’m going to say it one more time. Your brother is in love with a man and that is never going to change, Joohyun. Even if Sehun ever decides to break it off with Yixing, he will eventually meet somebody else. And that person will also be male. So if one day you involuntarily flinch away from him, I can bet you all money in the world that you’re gonna make him feel even more awful about his own existence than he already does. And believe me, he feels pretty darn low.’

Joohyun nods weakly, surveying the ground and unable to meet the other’s eye.

I’m a bloody moron, Seungwan thinks to herself as she observes the older from the corner of her eye. Even after all of this, I’m here, forgiving and nearly ready to forget that it ever happened.

They stand in silence for a few more minutes, when the night bus finally rolls in and the girls get in. Joohyun takes a seat at the front and the singer right behind her. The usually proper and elegant upperclassman sits bent low, trying to make herself look smaller than she even is.

This will not end well, Seungwan thinks, biting her lower lip before letting out a deep sigh. It just can’t ing end well for me.

A/N: Hey, everyone. So... three months, no show. I'm so sorry. Life just has this funny ability of getting in the way of the things that I actually want to do. In the meantime, I've changed jobs, lost a PhD supervisor, gained a new PhD supervisor and passed my progress exam; I also went travelling for a bit and finally bought my Red Summer and The War albums. I'm dead tired but also ready to get back to my routine so I'll try my best to follow my usual schedule of updating every two weeks - both for the sake of the story's continuity but also for my own. Writing helps me get things off my mind for a little bit.

Thank you all for sticking around despite the lack of updates.