171001

Dear Lord,

I’ve been well.

…

Actually, that is a lie. Since last Sunday, I haven’t slept through one night in peace. Seulgi looks at me with sympathy, but rarely says a word these days and I know Junmyeon is trying to get her to switch rooms. I’ve never thought I’d say this, but perhaps it is better to end it now while there still isn’t an open conflict between us. I just never imagined that this is the way our ways would part. We were supposed to graduate, enter university together and then I would be her maid of honour. I had long promised her that her hen party would be just the two of us, watching Beauty and the Beast on the West End, before having a fancy tea party at Claridge’s. I can no longer even remember why exactly that was her wish – I think it is one of those things that stick with you when you’re a highly impressionable eight year old, sitting in front of your television, watching elegant people take their tea in elegant hotels, small finger lifted and all.

It’s silly, but the little money I get to save here and there, I’ve kept with that afternoon tea in mind. I had 87 pounds and 57 pence as of today. I should have been more resourceful, I’ll admit that. Not that it matters, since I’ve used it all on my trip to Bath. It almost feels like closure this way.

I wonder if I can make Junmyeon come around after all, but that is doubtful. I know him and I know that if I myself have not yet been able to come to terms with this new development, I have very little chance of persuading him otherwise. Maybe in the future, I’ll still try.

Maybe.

Thank you for not abandoning me. Thank you for getting Seungwan to forgive me. You really do love everyone, don’t You? Please, don’t let me hurt Sehun. This time… I mean it. I’ll take the cat calling. Perhaps I deserve it. Just-

‘I didn’t think I’d find you here, especially so early in the morning.’ Joohyun turns abruptly at the voice. Her younger brother stands a few metres away, observing her carefully, but with a spark of understanding. Shaking off the initial shock, she gives him a half-hearted shrug.

‘I didn’t think I’d find you here at all,’ she admits. Just then, she notices another boy approaching them slowly. ‘Please don’t tell me that you came here… to….’ Joohyun stammers, looking away instantly. It takes Yixing Zhang less than a second to comprehend the insinuation and he chuckles lowly.

‘There aren’t exactly that many places to do the do on the school grounds, but believe me when I say this, the chapel at five thirty am would be my absolute last choice.’ Sehun seconds the mirth at the other’s words. He looks at his sister with a smile.

‘Couldn’t sleep?’ At her confirmation, he adds, ‘Me neither.’

Joohyun moves to the left, making space for the two to sit in the same row.

‘Because of the concert?’ The girl prompts and Sehun sighs lightly.

‘It’s a big day today, but sometimes, I just feel like coming to the chapel and praying, so I do. Early morning, before any of you get down here. I really hate sitting at the front though,’ he cracks a joke and Joohyun’s lips stretch in a semblance of a smile. She, too, couldn’t make herself approach the first bench today. Instead, she retreated to the one usually occupied by her younger sibling and suddenly understood why that back row really stood for – willingness to continue believing despite the self-doubt clouding your mind. Feeling of not being worthy to continue believing.

‘Your family isn’t religious,’ Joohyun observes, catching Yixing’s eye over Sehun. ‘I’d assume that after what happened, you’d want nothing to do with the church.’

‘It is true that I joined the Union because of Junmyeon, but that is not why I stayed. I don’t think anyone could stand his constant nagging if they weren’t true believers.’ The three of them let out airy snickers, almost despite themselves. ‘My faith… has always been different from yours and Junmyeon’s. I’ve known who I am for as long as I remember and came here, believing that being who I am is enough to be accepted by God because what He wants is not pretence but the truth. I still do believe that, which is why I am here. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell Sehun the entire time,’ he gives the younger boy’s hand a light squeeze. ‘

‘I wish I had realised that sooner,’ Joohyun muses, resigned.

‘You’re here now, that’s what’s important,’ her peer replies and the lack of judgment makes Joohyun feel a little better.

‘I miss the Union, but perhaps I miss it for all the wrong reasons,’ she whispers to no one in particular. The same community whom she thought she could always rely on have turned their backs on her, but another group of people is right here, giving her a chance despite everything that has happened between them.

They all lower their heads in prayer.

‘Dude, are you sure you’re all right? You’ve been out of it since yesterday.’ Seungwan frowns, watching Chanyeol mindlessly drumming his fingers against the window sill.

The two of them got there first and have been waiting for the rest of the bandmates to do one last run through before heading out to Oceana. Admittedly, performing four songs is not the same as a concert, but to them it might as well be a Wimbledon stadium. They don’t really have illusions of keeping the group running, not even beyond next year when Minseok is set to graduate. It has always meant to be hobby; well, to everyone but Chanyeol, anyway. But Seungwan knows that her mother will never pay for something as useless as a music degree, so she’s long given up that hope. Instead, she is determined to enjoy it while it lasts and being given the whole of twenty minutes to sing her own songs on a crowded Sunday night has her shaking in her boots.

‘Pre-debut jitters,’ he turns to look at her before looking away again, back to the window.

‘Doesn’t seem to be that way. What’s up your arse? You haven’t spoken to me once since the party.’ In the end, they had collectively agree not to conduct a rehearsal on Saturday, most of them too indisposed to even think about it. ‘Did you know that Joohyun showed up that night?’ The singer probes further when met with no reaction.

‘Huh? Oh, yeah. Minseok mentioned in passing. She’s gonna be at the party tonight again, isn’t she.’ When Seungwan shrugs, Chanyeol adds, ‘Jongin won’t take it well.’

‘You know what, Jongin will have to get over it eventually,’ the girl says, making her best friend turn around again.

‘Harsh,’ he notes, frowning at her.

‘Wasn’t it you who said just a few days ago that it’s always better out than keep hiding?’

‘Well, yeah, what was I supposed to say? Sehun was sitting there, bloody shaken to the bone and scared out of his mind for his own safety. It’s not exactly the same situation and you know it. It was Jongin’s decision to make and Joohyun took it away from him. What Junmyeon did divided Jongin’s entire family.’

‘They didn’t deserve him in the first place.’

‘They didn’t,’ Chanyeol agrees. ‘But maybe in his case, pretending for a bit longer could have been easier than being kicked out on the street with no money and dealing with as much as he has.’

‘Coming out is never easy, Chanyeol. But I guess a person like you would never understand it, now would you. Your family supports you all the way.’

‘I can’t believe you of all people would say that to me. If you’re having a bad day, don’t ing take it out on me. We don’t need another fight right now.’ The hurt look on his face makes Seungwan feel instantaneously guilty. She merely wanted to know what bugged him, but she turned it into a spat the moment she felt that Joohyun was attacked. She really is hopeless. ‘Plus, I don’t remember you ever confiding me about your coming out party, so here we are,’ he snorts weakly. They don’t hold each other’s gaze for too long as the boy diverts his eyes quickly and suddenly Seungwan knows exactly what’s going on.

Chanyeol is sad. And Chanyeol is many things, but never sad.

‘What’s going on?’ She stands up to approach the boy, who cowers away even more. ‘Chanyeol.’

‘I made a mistake. But it’s nothing I can’t handle on my own.’

‘Chanyeol, listen. You don’t have to-‘

‘What are you doing, not warming up? We have less than two hours to get this circus going,’ Minseok announces as he enters the garage with Sehun and Tao in tow, both carrying their respective instruments.

Seungwan sends one more helpless look towards the window, but the red head is already gone, tending to his business behind the drums. The girl has no choice but to let it go for now.

Thankfully, the music has always been able to heal whatever it is that is giving them grief at the moment so having enjoyed the almost flawless rehearsal, the five leave Tao’s house in high spirits. His brother, who works in the club’s management and is therefore already on site, texts them to approach the back door instead, and they do, marvelling at it as if they did not stand there just three weeks prior, waiting for Chanyeol to finish his last cigarette for the night. Most of the equipment is stationary, though both Sehun and Tao insisted on using their own and Seungwan can’t blame them. It feels good to have a familiar anchor to hold on to when everything else seems overwhelming.

They stop in front of the small stage in the otherwise empty club and take a moment to appreciate it. It really is not much but that’s not how it feels at the moment.

‘You guys, this right here is the very peak of our musical career,’ Minseok declares and as insulting as it sounds to their possible future prospects, the rest cannot help but nod their heads dumbly. ‘So treat this temple with utmost respect.’

‘I’ve heard a lot of bull over the years, but this has to take the cake,’ Zhoumi laughs as he passes by on his way to the bar. ‘Though we do host bands like yours here every other Sunday, and to all of them this feels like the ultimate success in life.’

‘They’re probably right,’ Seungwan mumbles under her breath, suddenly overcome with dread. Less than twenty people in total have heard their songs until now and suddenly it’s going to be more than three hundred.

‘Kyungsoo’s promised Chanyeol a ten pack of menthols if he manages not to wet himself up there,’ Tao jokes but it falls on deaf ears, because the tall drummer looks like he might not win the ridiculous bet after all, that’s how pale he is and how heavy his breathing sounds.

‘So whom should I say is performing?’ The stage manager, previously introduced to them as one David, approaches the group with his clip folder. ‘You must be the only nameless band I’ve seen in my entire time here. Usually they take so long thinking up the name, there’s not enough time to make sure they actually sound decent,’ he snorts, albeit jokingly.

Minseok looks to all s for confirmation before he smiles and says,

‘We are Verbal Explosion.’ All of them grin at the name they agreed on during one of their last rehearsals. Now it feels real.

Seungwan knew that Joohyun was going to be there, but the reality of her watchful eyes doesn’t really sink in until after the performance. The older girl had not approached them beforehand, lest she might break their concentration which in Seungwan’s case would be completely justified. The five of them tried to shrug off the nervousness and joke around for as long as they could, but after first bands started their run-throughs, the group retreated to the back, solemnly awaiting their turn in silence. Even the beer that Minseok, the only one among them to be able to legally drink, bought for himself as a form of stress relief, ended up untouched. Seungwan invited tons of people, but in that moment, she really did not want to know who exactly was going to watch her sing her heart out.

In retrospect, Seungwan Son does not remember much of what happened at the club. The first milestone was David calling them out on stage before Seungwan - the only one with a mic apart from Tao, but they all knew he would rather choke than say anything publically – managed to come up with some decent greeting for the audience. The second memory was when she nearly slipped on stage, a moment that will surely haunt her years later, when she’s become a boring person with a boring job, just trying to fall asleep after a hard day’s work. Nobody noticed, Minseok would assure her, himself still out of breath, and he would be right; by the time they got to stand up there, many present were already mildly tipsy. So many of her friends appeared, though, despite the inconvenient time and possible consequences at school the next morning. Seungwan was only really hit with that realisation when Joy Park came over to pat her on the back and with a single good job returned to her table to continue arguing about something with Jongdae Kim. Jongdae, a good chap at heart, looked like he was deeply regretting his life choices. The singer was not certain which ones those would be, but chances were – all of them.

Seungwan did not even remember having invited Joy who in her opinion was much too young to be there, but she supposed that she should feel honoured and her purpose in life fulfilled. Getting Joy’s approval strangely felt close enough.

But the one single moment of the night that Seungwan is sure she will remember long after the dream that is Verbal Explosion fades into oblivion along with other sixth form memories was when she spotted Joohyun, casually talking with Sehun and Yixing on the side. As if sensing the other’s gaze on her, the older girl looked away from the conversation and their eyes met over her younger brother’s shoulder. Seungwan smiled shyly and was surprised when she received a big grin in return. Joohyun excused herself from her company and approached the singer in a few quick strides, carrying a small flower bouquet that given the location, seems distractingly out of place - as did Joohyun’s modest green Sunday school dress and a black cardigan over it.

Seungwan accepted the flowers before putting them away onto the nearest table top and throwing her arms around the other in a happy, perhaps too bold a gesture. She knew that she’d taken the older by surprise and was ready to withdraw when Joohyun hugged her back.

‘That was fantastic,’ Joohyun declared right into Seungwan’s ear. Admittedly, the club was as noisy as they get – cue the proximity – but it felt like the sweetest lullaby nonetheless. ‘You all did a great job and you are an amazing singer, Seungwan. I was really moved by your lyrics,’ she adds the honest praise and Seungwan preened, grinning widely. ‘You were just so beautiful in there,’ Joohyun whispered and cradled the vocalist’s face in her hands, placing a short, yet passionate kiss on her lips-

‘You do realise that I was standing right there, don’t you,’ Sehun deadpans, interrupting the narrative. ‘And there was absolutely no kissing involved between you and my big sister.’

‘Hush, don’t ruin Seungwan’s fantasy. I’ve been here for the past twenty minutes and this story is getting steamier every time she re-tells it to whoever has the misfortune of coming in to retrieve a beer,’ Tao guffaws, his newest girlfriend Andrea giggling by his side.

‘All right, so maybe she did not exactly kiss me-‘

‘You’re bloody correct that it’s exactly what did not happen. She patted you on the back and try to pry you awkwardly from clinging to her for far too long.’

‘She did hold me, she did tell me that I’m a great singer and nothing about it was awkward,’ Seungwan defends, sighing dreamily and taking a swing from her bottle of Proper Job. It’s much stronger and more expensive than what they usually drink, but they all put their money together, deciding that it’s the one occasion they should really splurge on. ‘You can ask her yourself.’

From the semi open kitchen area where they are all standing, leaning against the counters, the view on the sitting room and open door to the attached terrace is quite good. Joohyun is standing there with her cousin Yoona, holding a casual conversation and laughing over a drink that Minseok has handed her, clearly challenging her to reject and make a scene. She accepted it with grace and has been sipping it since.

Tao’s line of vision aligns with his friend’s and he whistles lowly.

‘Joohyun really is making amends, isn’t she. Maybe she’s not beyond salvation,’ she snorts into his vodka shot, but it’s not malicious.

‘I guess Minseok has been more forgiving because unlike Jongin, he didn’t really lose anything. My sister and Junmyeon have just made his life more difficult – instead of dating in peace like they used to, he now needs to cross those hundred and seven miles nearly every weekend to see her. And that is not cheap, either,’ Sehun responds, sighing.

‘But Yoona seems to have forgiven her,’ his friend observes. Sehun shrugs at the words.

‘My cousin knows what it’s like to grow up in a family like ours. Her own is pretty nuts too, after all.’ He looks to both his sister before smiling ruefully. ‘Joohyun paid for Yoona’s ticket to come here tonight, though I think she’ll have to leave in a few hours if she wants to make it to her class tomorrow, otherwise her parents will get a wind of it. But I think Minseok is appreciative, nonetheless.’ They all laugh when they spot their leader wandering around, wanting to give his girlfriend space to talk but also running out of patience to just whisk her off to the dance floor.

When he eventually does, Seungwan picks two bottles of Old Slug and ditches the current company to follow Joohyun.

‘It begins, eclipse… In the shadows where you and I meet…’ Seungwan hums as she approaches and Joohyun turns around, having heard the shuffle behind her. ‘Love between us, born out of fate…’

Joohyun smiles, recognising the tune. Seungwan grabs the spoon left on the table and treating it as a microphone, re-enacts her earlier performance in a much exaggerated fashion.

‘I can’t keep my eyes off you, so will you be mine forever..?’ It might be the alcohol, but she thinks that she sees Joohyun blush despite the overall calm exterior she is sporting. Seungwan then lets out a series of sounds that mean to imitate the beat of Chanyeol’s drums, but end up with her choking which prompts the other girl to laugh in mirth.

How are you so bloody beautiful, Seungwan nearly says out loud but stops herself at the last moment. She admires the other until it clearly becomes too much and Joohyun frowns in silent question.

‘Nothing,’ Seungwan reassures her, motioning at the open door with a single hand movement. ‘Wanna sit outside for a while? The weather’s so unpredictable these days, might as well enjoy the evening while we still can.’

Joohyun spares her half empty glass a glance before abandoning it and following Seungwan and the two beers she’s carrying in her hand. They find a spot closer to the fence where an old bench threatens to fall apart at the slightest pressure of weight. Still, the two decide to take their chances and sit down.

‘I don’t think you should drink anymore tonight,’ Joohyun observes, but does nothing to stop Seungwan; in fact, she accepts the bottle that has been opened for her.

‘Ah, I’m in the mood tonight,’ the singer laughs. It is so easy to satisfy her, she knows that. But she cannot stay mad for long, it’s just not in her nature. She could not when Gina Torres purposely destroyed her art project last year, angry that Seungwan told off her best friend, and Seungwan got zero; she certainly cannot now when Joohyun apologised for and regrets her mistake, no matter how hurtful it was.

‘Listen, Seungwan, I-‘

‘Please, don’t apologise again. I don’t want to think about it any longer. Let’s just go back to being friends, shall we?’ Seungwan waves her hand in dismissal and the older girl stares a moment, as if weighing her words.

‘I just wanted to thank you,’ she eventually says, looking away. The singer frowns, not expecting this development. ‘For sticking up for me all this time. Cheers,’ she thanks Seungwan again, raising her bottle and taking a sip.

Seungwan does not feel fit to accept the sentiments, seeing how half of the time, she does it out of selfishness.

‘Are you having fun?’ The younger asks instead and Joohyun smiles.

‘Turns out that less people around here hate me than I originally thought. Some people actually came forward to congratulate me on getting rid of my backwardness,’ she gives the singer a pained smile. She’s not nearly comfortable enough to joke around about her faith.

‘Hey, that’s awesome,’ Seungwan extends her hands and Joohyun lets out an incredulous laugh, eventually high-fiving her. She quickly becomes sombre again, though. Not willing to let the mood down, the blue-haired girl continues. ‘You brought Yoona to see our performance. I bet Minseok was over the moon.’

‘He did let me into his house, didn’t he,’ Joohyun gives her a tight-lipped smile. ‘You knew about them.’

‘Yes, of course,’ Seungwan confirmed, leaning against the older girl heavily, without even realising. She feels tired all of a sudden. ‘He’s taken up that part time job in Asda with the sole purpose of funding his trips down to Bath. He’s away nearly every weekend.’

‘He told me on Thursday that they were still together, probably more to throw it in my face than anything else, but honestly? I just felt relieved. Relieved that I didn’t completely destroy something so precious to them.’

‘You’re here for your cousin now, that’s what’s important. You’ve made amends. You came to our concert and it really meant the world to Sehun as well.’

‘And these days, I feel that half of it wouldn’t even be possible if it weren’t for you, Seungwan,’ Joohyun confesses and Seungwan, still draped over the other’s shoulder, rapidly looks up.

‘You are able to do all of it because of your brother,’ she dismisses.

‘He’s not the only one I’ve come to worry about,’ they stare each other for a moment, before Seungwan leans away, quickly reddening. ‘I’ve felt hard grief because of you in the past, but it was also you that accepted me first when even Sehun was suspicious of my intentions. You’ve helped me time and time again, and forgave me when I’d promised I wouldn’t try to hurt you again and still did.’

Seungwan looks away, not knowing what to say.

‘Last night I took National Express down to Bath to pick up Yoona and I just couldn’t stop thinking about what happened between us on Friday. We have something, Seungwan, something that has long extended beyond my concern for Sehun. I’m just sorry that it took me this long to acknowledge it. You’re the reason why I still have friends and people to sit with in the school canteen. You’ve protected me every time your band mates wanted nothing more from me. And I cannot understand why, but thank you.’ Joohyun takes Seungwan’s left palm in hers and intertwines their fingers, giving them a light squeeze. She looks up at the singer again. ‘I probably don’t deserve it, but thank you. Not even Seulgi gave me that benefit of the doubt.’

Seungwan stares at her in wonder, no longer caring that they’re both blushing at such bold proclamations. Seungwan is bordering on drunk, that much she can’t deny, and it probably isn’t a good idea, but the words slip from before she manages to take reign of them.

‘You’ve once asked me if I was expelled from my old school. Perhaps you’d like to hear the story now?’

A/N: Sorry to leave you all with this clifhanger, it sort of came out this way. I just wanted to put some content out there before I leave for holiday tomorrow. It's a short trip but I won't have time to write in the next two weeks, so I wanted to keep my word of updating anyway.

As for the songs Verbal Explosion supposedly own in this story, I imagine Seungwan singing Kim Lip's Eclipse (it's my fav song of the year and I also call it the best Red Velvet song never sung by Red Velvet - the dude who wrote it, also write a lot for the Velvet side and it is my suspicion that this song was meant for them before SM rejected it), Taeyeon's Lonely Night, Dream Catcher's Fly High - I don't care that all of them are in Korean haha Also, maybe Demi Lovato's Give your heart a break - I was listening to it while writing this chapter.

Also, try Old Slug if you never had. It's my fav British brew.