171205

Three weeks.

Nearly three weeks have passed since that Monday when Joohyun stepped in to prevent the simmering fight between Junmyeon and Yixing, but it has since proved to backfire completely, as her twin found an outlet for his yet to be understood fixation in her humble person.

‘Look at you, sneaking in here like a thief. That’s not how it used to be.’

If she were not already kneeling, she would in that moment close her eyes, begging the Higher Power for patience. She chooses not to answer and finish her prayer instead, which lasts a couple more moments. She feels Junmyeon sink to his knees right next to her after the apparent lack of interest on her part. So close, yet so far away – both at once. It is not how it used to be, but this is how it is now.

Joohyun refuses to cower and take the blame for the sudden decay of their relationship; not when she has tried so hard to talk herself out of it in the first place. There is no space for doubting her new direction right now.

‘I prayed for you, Joohyun. Just now. I miss you,’ Junmyeon finally confesses quietly. ‘I can’t stand you living in this sin- No, never mind. I don’t even understand why you’d suddenly be on their side… When you know they’re wrong and we’re right. Why? Why did you abandon me like that, when we promised each other that nothing would come between us?’

Words like these, accusatory words that otherwise would deeply hurt the girl, now have suddenly stopped emotionally affecting her. After three weeks of what can only be considered uncomfortable encounters between the siblings that alternated between mockery and deep offense on her brother’s part, Junmyeon’s calm voice somehow came to sound like begging. And maybe he is – Joohyun does not know. It would be a bit naïve to say that Junmyeon and her are two halves of a whole, but with being as close as they have always been, it is an avoidable thought. There has never been any doubt in Joohyun’s mind that she and Junmyeon would always gravitate towards each other; after all, they have a special bond that have allowed their lives to shape as they are now.

That is why it still pains Joohyun more than she would admit when she says,

‘There’s no us and them, Junmyeon. Sehun is our brother. Sehun is our responsibility, whatever it is that he does or feels. That was also a promise that you and I made a long time ago, or did you forget? To never let go of his hand, no matter what.’

‘We were eight and he got lost in an amusement park…’ Junmyeon weakly argues his case, trailing away. When he does not add anything else, the girl steps in.

‘That right there - that is why I never gave up on him. Because I used to think that he had lost his way in sin and that it was my responsibility to bring him back. That’s why I kept bothering him even when I thought that he was a wrong doer. But now I’ve realised that maybe Sehun is not lost at all; maybe he knows exactly where he is going, but the path that he’s chosen is a difficult one and he needs my help and support as he moves forward. Maybe I don’t need to see the whole map, God will take care of the rest. Maybe all I need is to not lose sight of him.’

‘Don’t you dare involve Him in this. God doesn’t accept… people like Sehun.’ It is clear that only a quick, nervous glance towards the altar stops the boy from describing his brother in a much cruder way. ‘I cannot accept that, I just cannot.’ He turns around to his sister, grabbing her hand tightly. ‘It’s not too late, Joohyun. You two could still come back to the Union. Even- Even Yixing,’ he forces out. ‘Just stop this madness now and we can survive this. We will all go to the Christian camp next year and pray…’

Junmyeon continues his tireless tirade that his twin sister momentarily tunes out. She looks at him, this time really looks at him. Ever since Junmyeon discovered her in the chapel after dark one night, he has come back without fail every evening, warning, threatening and now even begging her. As the words spill out of his month, the girl decides that her younger by two minutes brother is just…

Ridiculous. Probably blinded by his own sense of right and wrong, but still… ridiculous.

Is this really what being humane sounds like according to their church? Is this how she sounded to those around her? Self-righteous, stuck up and simply insane?

‘Sehun doesn’t want to go back, Junmyeon,’ she interrupts the boy firmly, having had enough of his blabbering. Junmyeon quietens, somewhat uncharacteristically for him, and blinks furiously at the exclamation. It is clear that he does not comprehend the meaning of her words - not really. Joohyun signs and adds softly, ‘He does not want to go back to the church, and especially not if you’re going to be like this. Don’t you understand? You do not make the rules anymore. So get over yourself, Junmyeon, like I’m trying to, or you will realise one day that not only does he not need you anymore, he’s also too far ahead to catch up to.’

Taken aback, the male twin considers the words for a moment before responding,

‘I can still call father about this. Sehun is not of legal age yet, they will take him back home at once.’ Joohyun looks at him with a mixture of pity and resentment. How much lower can Junmyeon stoop? He just does not understand; but Joohyun does – she does now.

‘If you as much as utter one word about this before Sehun is eighteen, you will never see that money, Junmyeon. Never, I promise you. This is what we’ve agreed on. At least behave Christian enough to honour your word.’

Junmyeon blushes furiously at the insinuation. He does not like having his morals questioned.

‘What about you then? How is blackmail Christian?’ He hisses, standing up. Joohyun follows suit.

‘Standing up for your family is Christian,’ she shakes her head in exasperation, swallowing hard.

‘I am also your family, Joohyun. Your twin at that. Why did you abandon me, then?’ He means to aim for where it hurts the most; she knows that. But somehow, she cannot help but think that the anguish he feels is just as deep, if not deeper.

She shakes her head again, trying to compose herself.

‘You hit him. You were supposed to protect him, yet you harmed him. I might not know if what Sehun and Yixing are doing is right, but I am certain that what you are is not. I’ve never known you to be this violent, but you punched your own brother and seriously injured your best friend-‘

‘Yixing is not my friend,’ Junmyeon rejects the idea harshly, without as much as batting an eyelid. Joohyun eyes him a long while, before averting her eyes, disappointed.

‘You know, Jongin Kim once said these words to me. If I’m going to hell, at least I’ll be in good company, that’s what he threw at me. I feel like I’ve suddenly realised what he really meant by that.’ When Junmyeon does not respond, she adds, ‘There will be time when you need a friend, Junmyeon. And Yixing will be there for you, even though you probably don’t deserve it after what you’ve done to him. But whatever you two do is between you. All I’m going to say is, do not touch Sehun again. If you refuse to care about him anymore, I cannot do anything about it. But do not touch him ever again or you will not see a single pence of grandma’s savings.’

Seulgi Kang does not talk to Joohyun much, not anymore, so the latter tends to feel lonely despite not being alone in the dormitory room. Her roommate is there, at her desk, when the brunette comes back from the chapel. Seulgi barely spares her an apologetic glance before going back to work on her French essay. The language is not her forte and normally she would be asking her best friend for help, but instead she is struggling in silence. Whatever Junmyeon told his girlfriend clearly worked; she keeps away from Joohyun as much as possible.

Joohyun gathers her toiletries and leaves for the shower room. With so many thoughts tangled up in her mind, she takes her time removing make up and washing herself. Her nightly musings remain mostly uninterrupted due to late hour. When her grandmother passed away seventeen years before, she left a certain sum of money behind. Not an awful lot, looking at it objectively - some fifty thousand pounds or so. The elderly meant for the money to go towards the twins’ higher education and considering how high university fees have become, dividing the money between the two of them would just about cover the tuition for a three year course without lodging. Sehun does not have such fund; he was born five months after elderly Bae’s death, otherwise the money might have had to be split in three.

For a reason that Joohyun is not privy to – perhaps a simple administrative mistake – only the girl was mentioned in the will. The document omitted Junmyeon’s name, but there was never any doubt in either their parents’ or Joohyun’s mind that the money would be shared between the siblings. However, now the small legacy have become the leverage that she has over her brother. The money is legally hers, after all, and no amount of pressure from anyone could make her give it up, should she choose not to. And Junmyeon is not stupid; he knows that satisfaction coming from outing their younger brother’s sins is temporary in comparison to three years of financial security during his chosen degree at university. He does not care to execute God’s Word to the point of risking the possible Earthly privileges.

Joohyun does not enjoy blackmailing her twin, not at all. It nearly physically pains her. But what Junmyeon is doing is not Christian; he is simply being unreasonable and cruel. Arriving at the gym only to see one brother furiously punching the younger, helpless one… Even after all those weeks, Joohyun has not been able to forget it, nor has she confessed to anyone just what kind of dread overwhelmed her in that instant. She is not even sure if she could ever describe the feeling, even if she did try. She had seen it once before, her father hitting cowering Sehun with a belt. To see it again, and coming from Junmyeon… Joohyun feels sick. She feels sick when she cannot help but remember the smell of Yixing’s blood in the air. She takes a deep breath to calm herself down. The worst part is, there does not seem to anyone around to whom she can show her weakness.

She stands under the shower stream for a few more minutes, letting the warm water wash over her. No amount of body wash, however, will erase the distaste she also feels for herself. She has been the greatest influence in Junmyeon’s life and she has, to a degree, helped shape his personality. Now that she has so drastically changed her behaviour, she has lost him somewhere along the way. He is alone and feeling betrayed. There is no way of knowing what could be the result of harbouring such strong emotions. Right now, he seems like a ticking bomb just waiting for somebody to poke him the wrong way.

Joohyun finally gets out of the cubicle, quickly drying and redressing in a night gown. That is when she hears the sounds of vomiting in one of the toilet stalls, and not just from anyone. To somebody so familiar with Seulgi Kang like Joohyun is, the quiet groans are unmistakable.

‘Seulgi?’ She knocks on the door twice, clearly startling the person behind it, for she temporarily halts her movements and brief shuffling can be heard, perhaps poor attempts to rearrange herself. ‘Seulgi, it’s me,’ Joohyun repeats, now more worried.

It takes a moment, but eventually Seulgi re-emerges, looking sheepish, but mostly tired. She has taken care of residue but still, Joohyun cannot help but involuntarily grimace a little at the lingering smell of meat casserole mixed with stomach acids. No doubt, Seulgi did not enjoy her dinner long.

‘Are you all right?’ Joohyun is next to her friend in an instant, disregarding the other’s stiff posture. The latter looks like she really needs a hug, and so she is enveloped in a tight embrace, soon reciprocating, although a bit reluctantly. ‘Are you ok? Are you hurt?’

‘N-no… I’m-‘ Seulgi mumbles weakly, hiding her face in the brunette’s shoulder, busking in the unexpected comfort.

She really does need that hug.

‘Are the girls from our choir giving you hard time again?’ Seulgi Kang has a weak personality and everyone, her included, are aware of the fact. She tends to lean on people around her for protection and when faced with stressful circumstances, her body sometimes reacts violently. Vomiting is not an unusual aftermath of self-induced tension and nervousness

‘No, it’s- My tummy has been giving me problems for the past few days. The nurse told me to lie down for the afternoon, but it’s not going away…’ She groans quietly and removing herself from the embrace, she rushes for the toilet bowl again. She must have already fully emptied her stomach, though, because there is nothing else to spill. She groans again.

‘I think we should go see the nurse now,’ Joohyun nods to herself firmly, ready to grab her friend by the arm and it surprises her when Seulgi evades her touch.

‘I’ll be fine,’ she mumbles, clearly unable to raise to her feet. She hopelessly sniffs, trying to compose herself. ‘I just feel so sleepy... I wish it would go away so I can finish my homework and go to bed.’

‘I’ll help you back to the room. I’ll finish your essay if you want me to,’ the other girl readily offers, but she receives another rejection.

‘I should do it myself…’ The answer is a highly unconvincing one, when they both know just how many times Seulgi accepted Joohyun’s help without feeling ashamed - and just how many times she completed Joohyun’s art projects in return.

‘Let me help you, Seulgi,’ Joohyun insists, extending her hand. She is pleading now.

‘I shouldn’t talk to you,’ Seulgi finally makes up her mind, slowly getting up and approaching the basin to rinse . Her roommate winces at the statement. ‘Until you’re my friend again, Joohyun, it’s better if we don’t talk.’

‘But I am your friend, Seulgi. I never stopped being your friend.’ Joohyun does not raise her voice, because she already knows where this is all going. She knows all too well.

‘You’re not well, Joohyun, and I’m scared for you. Both you and Sehun are not well. The other day I saw him holding hands with- with-‘

‘Did Junmyeon tell you not to talk to me?’ Joohyun disregards the blubbering and instead asks her own question.

‘You told me not to talk to you,’ Joohyun frowns at the accusation. ‘Not to talk to people like you. You told me that I am weak and if I want to follow God’s Word, I need to avoid temptation, because Satan targets the weak. You’re not yourself, Joohyun, but I cannot help you. Junmyeon only advised me to pray for you and to let others save you instead.’

‘If you saw Yixing Zhang holding my brother’s hand, then you must have also seen his bruised face. Junmyeon did that, Seulgi, to his best friend. Yixing spent four days in the infirmary, did you know that? Junmyeon also punched Sehun, out of anger. Do you really think that he is trying to help me?’

Seulgi Kang’s eye widen, despite the fatigue still reflected in them. It is clear that she has absolutely no idea what Joohyun is talking about. She takes a moment to collect herself, tightly grabbing the stone counter behind her.

‘I-I don’t know what happened between them. But what they’re doing is not right. If what you’re saying is true-‘

‘Have I ever lied to you?’ Seulgi blushes, knowing that she has crossed a line this time. There was never anything but honesty in their friendship.

‘I don’t know what happened,’ she repeats only. ‘But I cannot trust you. You yourself told me-‘

‘I know what I told you and I should be ashamed of it. I’d always thought I was merely looking out for you, but now that things have come to this, I just feel regret. I understand why you feel this way, I used to feel that way too, but Seulgi, Junmyeon is not right about this. He’s not. And I just miss you, a lot. I miss the things we used to do together, midnight snacks and doing homework together.’

‘I see you hang out with Seungwan Son all the time, though,’ comes a somewhat bitter answer. ‘You used to hate her, but now you’re with her all the time. And I just feel so alone, Joohyun,’ Seulgi finally lets out a hopeless sob, cowering in herself. ‘I’m so tired and confused, and you’re not here for me.’

Joohyun’s lower lip quivers, struggling not to give in to the mood. She takes a deep breath, before she replies,

‘Seungwan Son is not a bad companion, but I have and will always have only one best friend. You, Seulgi. Even if you think otherwise, I’m always here for you. You just need to reach out to me. I’m always here.’

For a second, Seulgi looks like she might dive in straight for another comforting hug, but then she shakes her head, barely holding back the tears.

‘I cannot. Junmyeon told me not to talk to you just because of loneliness. He told me to call him when I need comfort.’

Joohyun has nothing more to say to that. After all, just like with Junmyeon, this is all her fault. She did this to her best friend. She told her what to think and what to believe in, and then she removed the rug from under the other’s feet when she suddenly took Sehun’s side. She should take full responsibility for her twin brother and Seulgi’s confusion. Junmyeon’s frustration turned into anger. Seulgi’s mostly into distrust.

‘I’m always here if you need me,’ Joohyun says again, sighing deeply. Seulgi does not acknowledge her words directly.

‘I’ll go now,’ she mumbles and leaves quickly despite the continuing pain. Joohyun leans against the counter and hides her face in her palms. She needs to get used to feeling like the villain of the story, but it is getting harder and harder with each passing day.

On a whim, still carrying her towel and cosmetic bag, Joohyun walks down the stairs and finds herself in front of Seungwan and Joy’s door. A bit hesitant to knock, she finally does when she hears something falling down on the other side.

‘Sorry, sorry, we’ll be- Oh, Joohyun,’ Seungwan says breathlessly, opening the door a little. Her hair is completely tangled up, hanging over her shoulder in strands. Behind her, there is a battlefield of random objects lying on the ground and most importantly, Joy Park furiously tearing pages out of her colourful glossy magazines.

‘What’s going on here?’ Joohyun asks worryingly, momentarily forgetting about her own bad mood. Joy Park looks mad, although there is no sound coming out of . The murderous aura is definitely there, though, as is the nearly inhuman strength with which her delicate fingers perform such a cruel act.

‘She’s- Well, we have a bit of a situation,’ Seungwan shrugs sheepishly. To Joohyun, it looks like the singer is unsure whether to let out her real opinion on the matter at hand or whether to humour the younger roommate. Ultimately, the fear of being murdered in her own bed later that night wins and Seungwan murmurs with a grave face,

‘Joy has been betrayed.’

‘What do you mean? By who?’ Joohyun is still totally disorientated. She takes a few tentative steps into the room, trying not to stomp on anything thrown to the floor. There is a lot of it, from tangled sheets to ripped paper, to various items of stationary that must have been shoved aside in display of anger.

‘By…’ Seungwan carefully clears and points a thumb over her shoulder where a single piece of once majestic-sized poster is hanging sadly by one corner. ‘Him.’

‘A singer betrayed her?’ Joohyun repeats rather dumbly, for she has little experience with idolising men – unless you maybe count worship of the Lord as one. Joy Park does not make a sound, but it is obvious that she has heard the exchange, because she gives up on tearing the magazine page by page and instead, throws it against the wall. It bounces back with a thud and falls on her bed.

‘Where is her friend? That little girl… Yerim Kim? Maybe she can make her feel be-‘

‘Yerim doesn’t get it!’ Joy is done ignoring their presence. She looks Joohyun evenly in the eye. ‘She told me it was not a big deal. I told her to off.’

‘That she did,’ Seungwan is quick to second the statement, making a face. ‘I was right here.’

‘It’s all over the news…. It’s on SHINee’s fan café. Taemin ruined everything for them.’

‘What did that… Taemin do?’ Joohyun is more careful with words now, trying not to spur another passive aggressive attack. When Joy does not reply immediately, only blankly staring ahead, Seungwan chimes in,

‘It would seem that he went to the club, got pissed out of his mind and touched some girls inappropriately. Two women accused him some hours ago of harassing them. Joy’s been like this since.’ The vocalist adds awkwardly, rubbing her neck.

Joohyun looks back to the youngest girl in the room and belatedly notices tears pooling in her eyes. Joy furiously rubs them, trying not to give in to the sadness, but it is a lost battle. A quiet sob escapes her the moment Joohyun sits down next to her, offering a shoulder to cry on – and quite literally, too. Unlike Seulgi, Joy Park does not think twice before clinging on to the older – despite her bigger frame, she has never looked smaller or more child-like.

‘What he did is just- it’s just so gross. Touching anyone like that, without their permission. It’s just too nauseating.’ Joohyun pets the other’s hair in comfort, sighing sadly. ‘When I think about all the hours I spent streaming his songs and buying his CDs… I spent all my birthday money on a Global Package for his concert in Japan last summer,’ she rumbles and the two let her, even though they have little idea what she means. ‘I thought about him hours on end… but he doesn’t even respect women, he just does what he pleases. I can never look at him the same way again. I’m so stupid.’

‘You couldn’t have known. I’m sure he seemed like a nice boy.’ The final words leave Joohyun’s mouth with a degree of difficulty as she still vividly remembers all the provocative photos she saw on Joy’s walls the last time she visited.

‘You don’t have to lie, I also know it’s ridiculous to get attached to somebody you’ve never met. But I still can’t help but feel that I’ve lost somebody important today.’ More of Joy’s tears wet Joohyun’s night gown and that’s when the other breaks down too, startling Seungwan who has all this while been standing aside.

‘I feel like I have lost somebody today, too,’ she confesses, to which Joy sobs louder. Thinking about the confrontation with her best friend, Joohyun cannot deny the finality of it. She is still here if Seulgi needs her; the problem might be, however, that Seulgi has decided she cannot trust Joohyun anymore. That one thought makes the girl’s heart ache.

As the two shed silent tears, still embracing tightly, Seungwan sighs, making a sad face. Her own thoughts go back to the emotional conversation she had with Chanyeol earlier that day.

Karma. This is all karma.

A/N: You can expect more chapters from Joohyun's persepctive from now on. The first part of the story was purposely done so that the reader can get to know Joohyun through Seungwan's eyes. Now we will have a bit of a change.

Oh, and I love Junmyeon and Taemin, I think they are both lovely blokes. Their represantation here is for narrative purposes only.