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Dear God, I’ve been really confused recently, I’m afraid. In my own stupid way, I’m doing all I can to stay positive, even if sometimes it just doesn’t work. Please believe me; I know I’m failing You but it’s not for the lack of trying.

I… I-I am terribly sorry that I haven’t been praying properly for the past few weeks. I know that what I’m going through has nothing to do with You and that it’s wrong to punish You for other people’s mistakes. I’m just… I just really feel annoyed at the world, You know? Annoyed and trapped. I get all defensive and then I fall back into my childish habits.

And sorry for the weird jokes about You. Yeah, I know. It’s total rubbish. But I personally think that You would also find them funny.

Recently I’ve had this irrational fear that Junmyeon knows – I think that deep down, he does know, actually, and it’s honestly just a matter of time before he catches me red handed. Yixing keeps repeating that You love everyone, and that apparently also includes me. …You do, right? Love me, I mean. Regardless of how I am.

I sincerely hope that You do because I kind of need You right now.

Oh, and can You, please, not send Seungwan and Chanyeol to hell just yet? I think you might be surprised if You give them another chance.

‘Sehun.’ The boy’s head shoots up, blinking away the dizziness. Chanyeol’s hand on his shoulder prompts him into motion and he stands up, stretching his arms above his head and cracking away the stiffness of his back. Just how long has he been seated motionless? He’s completely spaced out, bent over his Literature essay.

He turns to his red head roommate and finds him in the state of complete undress, with barely a towel around his hips. Upon noticing Sehun’s confused expression, Chanyeol just tsks and walks up to the window to wrestle it open. The frame is really old and barely moves, unless pulled forcefully.

The moment he manages to do so, another messy read head appears in sight. Its owner pulls herself up on the windowsill and wiggles her way through the narrow gap, before falling flat face first, right at Chanyeol’s feet. Standing up straight doesn’t do her any more good, though – she collides with her friend’s chest instead.

Massaging her pounding head with an open palm, Seungwan sends Chanyeol an annoyed look, nearly crossing her eyes in the process. Her fringe has become unbearably long and she can’t see anything.

‘Must you be so tall, you troll?’

‘My, my. Look at her witty jokes. I’d get back at you for this but I don’t wanna stoop to your level.’ Chanyeol smirks, stepping away and easily losing his towel, throwing it on his bed. Seungwan groans and immediately turns around.

‘You’re so gross sometimes, Chanyeol Park, I don’t know how I’m still friends with you. Can’t you see that there’s a lady in your quarters? Must you be so indecent?’ She wails for dramatic effect. Chanyeol just snorts.

‘Of course. Once a lady actually does appear in the vicinity, this gentleman will make sure to put some nice cargos on. In the meantime, allow me to pull my trousers up and have a smoke first. My hands are seriously shaking.’ Chanyeol does exactly that – having dressed himself in a pair of comfy shorts and a worn out You read my t-shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day t-shirt, he loosens a plank underneath his own bed and takes out a half empty pack of Benson & Hedges and a lighter.

Sehun, who has been watching the exchange with mild amusement, shakes his head.

‘That was one brilliant rendition of Pride and Prejudice that you just had there, folks, but can I have my friends back now?’

‘It’s your fault to begin with, you sod.’ Seungwan turns to Sehun, sending him a slightly offended look. ‘I knocked on that darn window for good five minutes. You try hanging off the drainpipe this long, then you can talk.’

‘You left me alone in the chapel. In the first bloody row. Junmyeon’s preaching nearly drove me bonkers. So maybe, just maybe, my subconsciousness decided that you deserved all that hanging.’

‘He totally spaced out at his desk just now.’ Chanyeol, seated next to the open frame, pipes in. ‘It’s a good thing the shower room was virtually empty, otherwise I would have taken longer. Now who’s your most awesomest friend?’ Sending the girl a playful smile, he leans away from the other two and exhales the smoke into the night air.

Despite it being late September, the weather is still exceptionally warm.

‘Most awesomest doesn’t exist, you moron, and when I see him, I’ll be sure to point him out to you.’

‘That was so weak, Wan, I’m speechless.’ Chanyeol laughs easily. Seungwan just yawns and lowers herself to sit on the floor. ‘Going soft on us? It was you who wanted to drink tonight.’

‘Is anyone else coming?’ The girl asks, not bothering with a proper response to the last question.

‘Apparently Jongin, and he’s bringing real food.’ Chanyeol is done with his cigarette and slides in next to Seungwan. She immediately grimaces.

‘Budge up. Or better yet, go brush your teeth. You stink.’

‘What’s the point? I’m gonna be eating in a moment anyway.’

‘The point is, you stink. I told you not to smoke so much.’ Seungwan keeps nagging, unsuccessfully trying to push her companion out of her personal space. He leans even more, intent on annoying her.

‘And I told you that you’re not my bloody mother. Besides, it’s only my second today, so give me a break.’

 They stop their bickering eventually, realising that Sehun, still seated on his desk chair, remains even quieter than usual. Both red heads look at him in slight concern.

‘Mate, you all right?’ Chanyeol frowns. Is Sehun all right? He himself doesn’t know.

He’s had a lot on his mind lately; all he knows is that he is terribly conflicted. It’s come to the point when he appears to no longer be able to concentrate on his every day matters and even his friends have begun noticing. Brushing off his relatives is one thing – he has been avoiding telling them anything important about himself for as long as he remembers; it has already become his second nature. But lying to the people with whom he is actually close – the same friends who, although sometimes insensitive and short-sighted, are always ready to jump into fire for him… That’s a bit harder.

He’s probably a hypocrite, though. After all, he’s walked this fine line for many months now, and he fared decently. It’s just that recently, things seem to have been getting out of hand and it would really help to be able to share the burden. But he’s promised he wouldn’t, so he can’t, no matter how tiring it is.

Sehun’s mouth stretches into a resemblance of a smile. To anyone else, it might look a bit forced, but he knows that they won’t worry. They recognise it as his natural facial expression.

‘Am I all right? Definitely not. Thanks to your, guys’, rumbling I’m completely whacked and the evening hasn’t even started. Right now I need a headache medicine, not alcohol.’

‘How about some kebab instead?’ The three heads turn to the newcomer. Having knocked once, Jongin Kim opens the door and ushers himself in. He’s carrying two paper bags that smell of strong spice and well grilled meat. When the pink haired boy notices the three pairs of eyes hungrily staring at them, he chuckles and passes its contents to the closest person, eager to avoid the inevitable fight for food.

‘How much do I owe you?’ Seungwan takes out a few quid from the back pocket of her denims.

‘Oh, it’s fine…’

‘No, really. It’s on me. It was my idea to meet, anyway.’ Jongin takes the money then, still looking hesitant.

‘I think you gave me too much.’ He insists, counting the money carefully. His voice is quiet, but clear. He’s always been more on a timid side.

Chanyeol’s hand wraps around Jongin’s and the red head firmly closes it, making sure that his friend accepts the payment.

‘Seriously, Jongin. Gotta milk the gnome while you can. She’s totally minted.’ The comment earns Chanyeol a whack on the head from behind. ‘Ouch, geez. I’m only telling the truth.’

But Seungwan doesn’t say anything else, glad that her best friend spares her the trouble of arguing with Jongin. Sure, she does have money – or rather, her divorced parents do, but it’s pretty much the same thing. And she knows that a few notes here and there mean nothing to her. They do, however, mean a lot to Jongin and Seungwan is not about to exploit her friend just because he happens to work at a fast food joint and frequently brings them greasy products of his hard labour. The pink haired student is the sort of person that would never ask his friends for repayment, but it’s common knowledge that every time he does bring them something, he covers the bill from his own pocket, so it’s up to Seungwan and the guys to make sure he gets his money back.

Chanyeol is not the most sensitive lad out there, but he does get the message across, because Jongin finally smiles, amused. He puts away the pounds and the case is forgotten.

‘What are you guys talking about?’ The newcomer sits down next to them, passing around the napkins. Eventually, even Sehun leaves his chair in favour of making himself comfortable on the floor.

‘About Joohyun Bae.’ Seungwan cheerfully announces the first thing that pops into her head, biting into her sandwich. Jongin, on the other hand, grimaces like he’s tasted something rotten and puts the food that he was about to bite in away.

‘Can we not? Unless you’re planning on serving that roach what she deserves, just stop. I’m losing appetite and I had a long six hour shift at work today. I’m beat. I need my proteins.’

‘Wanna crush here for tonight?’ Sehun asks, concerned. Out of the three of them, he’s the closest to Jongin due to their involvement in the school dance club. They were also roommates the previous year, before life went downhill for Jongin and Sehun had no choice but to room with Chanyeol instead.

 The pink haired boy shakes his head.

‘I can’t stay; I actually have to get going soon. I left all my school stuff with Minseok before I headed to Kebabalicious. It’s more convenient to just go back to my uncle and aunt’s place.’ It’s turning 9.30pm – the school would close the main gate in an hour. Like Tao, Minseok and Jongin commute to school from inner parts of the city and that inevitably means being well orientated in bus transportation schedules and bus stop designations.

Seungwan really wants to raise the topic of Joohyun again, but she doesn’t dare. She knows that Chanyeol would just laugh in mild amusement at what he always calls her strange infatuation, mostly because he lives for creating havoc; and Sehun, although more conflicted, has long lost interest in or any sort of compassion for his uptight sister. But Jongin? Jongin loathes Joohyun, and not in a she’s insane, laughable kind of way.

Jongin loathes her, because she indirectly cost him his family.

So Seungwan falls silent instead, chewing on her kebab thoughtfully. Chanyeol sends her a quick glance, before looking away. He knows what is going through Seungwan’s head at that moment. They’ve always understood each other without needing words. It is actually spooky, now that Seungwan thinks about it. Comfortable and useful, yes, but terribly spooky.

The tall drummer doesn’t let the heavy atmosphere linger for too long, anyway – as if prompted, he engages Jongin in a long and pointless discussion about the reasons behind Nottingham Forest’s loss against Leeds United in their most recent match, and how they will never be able to advance to Premier League at this rate. The talk gets so heated that later on, Jongin has to sneak out through the window and jumping over the lowest part of the Trent College’s brick fence, he runs to the bus stop to catch the last Y5 home.

‘So what’s the progress with the preacher’s daughter, anyway?’ Chanyeol mumbles from his place on the floor where he sleeps on the rare occasion that Seungwan decides to stay over in the boys’ room. They ended up not drinking at all, but the food was aplenty and that usually lulls the red head drummer to sleep better than any ale. On the other side of the room, Sehun is already in deep slumber, deaf and blind to any conversations his two friends might be having.

‘Can’t deny that I like messing with her. She’s an easy target.’ Seungwan responds in a whisper from Chanyeol’s bed, eyes wide open and grinning to herself. Late night is when the vocalist is most active – writing songs or having fantasies about Joohyun Bae, she’s done it all. In a very creative way. ‘But I do like her, a lot. Not just physically. And I don’t really believe that there is nothing more to her than just mindless reciting the chorals.’

‘No matter how I look at it, she’s a horrible person. I can’t accept her as my sister-in-law.’ Chanyeol refutes, stupidly laughing to himself under his breath.

Ok, so maybe he did have a sip or two of the beer.

‘Whatever. You’re not even invited to our wedding, you wanker. And if she’s a horrible person, then what does that make us? We’re pretty dodgy ourselves.’ She laughs along, but eventually ends up sighing. ‘I think that deep down, she’s a good person and that she wants to do good deeds. I know that from her perspective, it looks like we’re the spawns of hell, but to me, she’s the one who is actually lost. If that prick Junmyeon is blinded by his sense of self righteousness, then Joohyun has lost sight of what is really important. Friends. Family. Because with all due respect to the One above, if He has sent us all here just to make each other’s lives miserable, then He kind of .’

‘..Darn, Wan. That was deep. Try not to do it in public too often, though, because you’ll just space out and end up awkwardly staring at somebody’s crotch.’ The somber seriousness with which the statement is delivered provokes a fit of quiet giggles from Seungwan. ‘Hey, don’t laugh! It has actually happened to me. More than once.’

‘Are you sure it wasn’t intentional? Because your eyes always seem to stray to Baekhyun Byun’s willie.’

‘Willie? What are you? 12?’ Chanyeol snorts. ‘And they do not.’ He quickly adds, affronted.

‘They do, too. And I can be crude. Does sound better to you? Or maybe something more exotic? Joy’s cousin said that they call it a tockley down in Aus.’ Seungwan mocks quietly, feeling herself getting more tired by the minute. The yawns take away any heat that her words might have.

‘Remind me to wash your roommate’s mouth with soap when I see her next. She’s too young to know these things.’

‘You’re a bloody hypocrite, Chanyeol Park, and my roommate will eat you for breakfast if you ever as much as stand within a ten feet distance away from her.’

Silence follows after the bickering, and just as the red head vocalist begins to think that their pointless exchange has finally exhausted her tall friend, he opens his mouth again, words even quieter than before.

‘Sehun prays sometimes, you know. When he thinks I’m not looking.’

‘Of course he does. And he should if he wants to.’ Seungwan responds, briefly glancing in the direction of the second boy, but even if the brunette just so happens to be still awake and listening to his friends’ conversation, there is no way of knowing. It’s too dark.

‘These days I feel like being around us makes him think that he cannot give a snot about certain things just to fit in. I don’t care about the rest of those twats, but I want to be fair to him.’

‘Who’s deep now?’ Seungwan snorts at that. ‘Seriously, though, Sehun is smarter than you will ever be, Park. He probably wants to spare you the shame of exposing your ignorance.’ Chanyeol says nothing to the playful accusation. Seungwan turns her head and look back to the ceiling. ‘Personally, I have nothing against religion. I’m just strongly against it turning everyone around me into brainless robots. God loves us all. You and your rotten attitude, me and my sarcasm. If there is one thing that I believe in, this would be it. I hope that Sehun’s family understands it, too, for his sake. Maybe not today, but someday. And I think that he himself wishes for it, too; that’s why he still has any s left to give about them, be it out of love or pure loyalty.’

‘I could never.’ Chanyeol states with a new found determination, his tone turning eerily dark. ‘I could never.’ He repeats only, but says nothing else. Seungwan wishes she could say that too much parental supervision is better than none at all, but unfortunately for Sehun, it doesn’t seem to be the case here.

‘Seungwan Son.’ Joohyun Bae looks up from her notes as soon as she catches the sight of what used to be white tennis shoes approaching her. The red head singer tends to give them a truly royal treatment, drawing on them with various colourful pens, usually in moments of desperate boredom.

The older brunette sighs, suddenly feeling a wave of justified exhaustion overcoming her.

‘Is there anything that I can help you with?’ She struggles to be polite.

‘May I sit at your lunch table today?’ The red head eyes the only other person already present around Joohyun, her best friend Seulgi. When Seungwan glances in her direction, Junmyeon’s girlfriend sends her an uneasy smile, as if she were conflicted whether to stay impartial or actually side with Joohyun on this one.

‘No, you may not.’ The president replies categorically. ‘I told you to come to tomorrow’s service, not to give me indigestion every second of my life. I’m having a stressful enough day as it is.’

‘I really didn’t come here to mock you this time. You said you’d give me a chance, so here I am.’

‘No, you basically blackmailed me into allowing you to be seen in my presence. There’s a difference.’ Joohyun hisses, looking around to see if anyone has noticed their proximity yet - it’s common knowledge that the two girls do not exactly get along – but it’s still too early for the hungry crowd to appear in this part of school. A few individuals linger here and there, chewing on their Jamie Oliver lunch options while finishing their homework for the afternoon class.

‘Well, then, if you put it this way, I guess I can just sit with you anyway.’ Seungwan grins and takes the chair situated directly in front of the brunette. The latter grits her teeth.

‘Can’t you just go to your own friends? I’m sure all these nasty comments are greatly missed at their table. After all, you guys are all professional bullies, aren’t you?’ Joohyun bites back, but unlike Seungwan, she doesn’t seem to be enjoying their exchange at all, because there is no ounce of playfulness in her eyes.

The red head’s expression slightly falls at the gravity of the statement and twitches. It’s not the first time that Joohyun Bae shoots her down, quite on the contrary; but it’s the first time Seungwan can actually feel the venom oozing from her words.

‘Takes one to know one, Joohyun.’ The singer eventually responds lowly, any traces of laughter now gone. ‘You better think twice before you accuse somebody else of the crimes that hang heavily on your own conscience. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, isn’t that what Jesus said?’

They regard each other with a prolonged cold look and the younger sees the brunette the first page attached to her clipboard in pure resentfulness. A moment later, however, the tension is abruptly broken. Somebody else catches Joohyun’s eye over the red head’s shoulder and Joohyun relaxes her position, rising her hand in amicable greeting.

‘Yixing, Baekhyun. Why don’t you sit with us today?’ Seungwan turns around to see the two boys queuing to the cash register nearby with their trays in hand. Having heard Joohyun’s invitation, Baekhyun Byun looks to Yixing for approval, and after what feels like a second of uneasy hesitation, the latter smiles and nods in the direction of the girls. Just before the two friends reach their table, Joohyun squeezes Seungwan’s palm tightly, drawing the younger’s attention back to herself.

‘To be a smartarse, you first need to be smart, Seungwan. Otherwise it just makes you an arse. Not that you weren’t already.’ Joohyun hisses, before pushing the read head’s hand away from herself, making it drop heavily on the table. When the younger looks up next, she notices a radical change in her crush – the girl in front of her smiles pleasantly at the newcomers, asking Yixing to sit next to her and inquiring Baekhyun about his recent whereabouts.

Seungwan’s own words from the night before suddenly come to mind. It’s rather hard to admire and believe in the genuineness of affection that Joohyun holds for the others after the nasty attitude she’d just been given. Seungwan sighs, her mood unusually dampened.

But the singer has never been one to dwell too much on things that she has no control over. Once Joohyun pulls Yixing into a conversation involving something on her clipboard, the red head singer just shrugs the incident off and turns to Baekhyun, who is seated on her other side. Catching his eye, she sends him a kind smile which he reciprocates.

Baekhyun is a classmate that Seungwan doesn’t usually interact much with – their social circles not really overlapping, unless one counts the long hopeless stares that usually forward Chanyeol sends the shorter boy, of which Baekhyun is entirely unaware, that much is certain. But the latter is not by any means an unpleasant companion. He might not be as crazy as most of the girl’s friends, but his well balanced personality makes him refreshing normal.

‘I saw you at the service yesterday. I didn’t realise that you were part of The Pur- of the Union.’ Seungwan bites her tongue at the last moment, but Baekhyun heaves a small laugh nonetheless. He’s caught the verbal slip of hers.

‘It’s all right. I’m well aware of the Union’s informal designation circling around our school. And no, I’m not part of it. But I’m still a Christian and as far as I’m concerned, one doesn’t need to be part of anything to be close to God, or do they?’ Baekhyun’s smirk is always slow and deliberate, and quite frankly, it always confuses Seungwan as to the boy’s true intentions. But, she decides, even if he is indeed mocking her, it’s the kind of playful mockery that she can definitely take. There aren’t that many good verbal sparring partners around that would insult you without any real offence and Seungwan can appreciate that.

‘Whatever floats your boat.’ The girl agrees, still observing Yixing and Joohyun from the corner of her eye. She immediately recognises the latter’s behaviour – perhaps due to her own frequent attempts at activities of similar nature, Seungwan does consider herself well versed in the language of romance. And although the brunette is subtle, to the red head, all the signals are unmistakeable – Joohyun is flirting.

Whether to annoy Seungwan or out of genuine affection is not clear, but probably the former. Seungwan has never once noticed the older girl giving the Union’s secretary any more attention than to a casual classmate and she sure has been watching her like a hawk. But the president is doing all of the typical hand touching, playing with her hair things that would probably raise blood pressure in the veins of any healthy young man, and well, in this case, some women, too. The fact that Yixing either doesn’t realise what’s going on or possesses the willpower not to pick up on it is already admirable enough in Seungwan’s eyes.

‘Can you stop being so erse for one second?’ Joohyun remarks, disgust written all over her face as she closes the flaps of her uniform jacket even tighter. Woken up from her trans, Seungwan blinks several times, until the realisation of her actions finally downs of her.

What Chanyeol warned her about has really happened, after all. Deep in her thoughts, the read head girl spaced out and ended up staring at Joohyun’s s.

Not giving her own body a chance to catch on and hit her with the dread of embarrassment, Seungwan does what he does best  - she musters her signature greasy grin. Joohyun just scoffs.

‘It’s your luck and my misfortune that we are short of hands today.’ The president announces, standing up and clearing out her tray. ‘Come to the Eastern building after class. Maybe you can finally use some of that misplaced eagerness for the greater good.’

A/N: I would like to take the time here to apologise for the subscribers-only tag problem. I personally consider it unnecessary and a cry for attention, which I usually don't practice - none of my previous fiction carries that designation. However, I was forced to move the story under the trigger-warning tag. Releasing trigger warning requires that you tag it as M first, and once I've marked TPC as a possible trigger, it automatically tagged it as subscribers- and members-only. In other words, an unavoidable mess. If it were up to me, it would be completely open, but I can't do much about it now. So sorry again. 

I will update the next chapter after Aug 14.